No Regrets (Live Today #2) (18 page)

“That’s because I love you.” He kisses me again. “Can I ask you a favor?”

“You want sex again?”

“Well, yeah.” I feel him stiffen from below me making me giggle. “But that’s not the favor. I know I’m gonna make you really happy in a few minutes.” He chuckles. “But seriously?”

“Seriously, what’s the favor?” I ask. He stays quiet for some time. I turn on his lap to make eye contact with him. “Gabe?”

“It’s just… Well, when I left you on the bed earlier, I said I loved you and you replied with ‘you too’, remember?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, I don’t want you to say that. It bothers me.”

“I’ve always…” He cuts me off immediately.

“No. No you haven’t. You have always since the day I’ve met you, have said the full thing.” He has worry in his voice. I lean in and kiss him tenderly, choosing not to push the subject.

“Of course I’ll say the full thing. I’m sorry Gabriel. I love you.” He smiles.

“I love you too Angel.”

~~~

I stand in front of the full length mirror in the closet staring at myself. My hair is pulled back in a sophisticated bun so I can at least keep it away from my face. Even though today isn’t on one of the cooler sides, I am wearing the same dress I wore when we laid William to rest. Instead of flats, I’ve chosen a pair of heels and have decided to add a few of mom’s jewelry pieces to the dress.

“You look just like your mother.” I turn to see dad and Brennan standing at the door.

“Seriously Jems, you look beautiful.” I try to smile back at them, but it doesn’t quite reach my eyes. Brennan makes his way to me and engulfs me in his arms. “It’s okay sis.”

“I never thought I would be wearing this dress again.” Dad makes his way to us and sits on the chaise that rests in the middle of the room.

“Is this the dress you wore for the funeral?” I nod. “I thought it looked familiar.” My face scrunches up. “You made the paper remember?”

“I forgot about that. Guess since I went straight to rehab, I didn’t have to deal with the paparazzi all over the place. The center was real confined.”

“Tell me about it. They refused to let Gabe in. He went every day. Talk about being a mess.”

“Seriously?” Dad asks. We turn to him and nod. “Wow, that man really does have it bad doesn’t he?” He chuckles.

“You would too.” We hear Gabe call from the bedroom laughing. “She’s worth it.” We all begin to laugh.

“Whipped.” Brennan hollers, knowing Gabe can hear him.

“Leave him alone Brennan. It’s not like you wouldn’t do it for Ashley, right?” His face twitches. I narrow my eyes at him. “Bren? Something the matter?”

“Well, I was going to wait to say something when we were on our way to LA for the money, but…” He pauses. Gabe makes his way into the oversized closet now.

“But what?” Dad asks. Brennan’s eyes trail to Gabe before coming back to mine.

“Well, uh. When you two went shopping to get your rings before the wedding…”

“Yes?” I ask. Gabe stands behind me waiting for whatever Brennan has to say.

“Uh, never mind. I’ll tell you later.” His eyes meet Gabe’s before he sits by dad. “What made you decide to wear that dress?” He changes the subject.

“Thought it was pretty. And honestly, I wouldn’t wear it for any other reason.” I brush the dress down straightening the nonexistent wrinkles away.

“Well, it’s beautiful princess.” Dad comments. “I’m so proud of the woman you have become. I know your mother is too.” He wipes a tear from his eye.

“Daddy.” I whisper, sitting beside him. “I wish there was something I could do.” My teary eyes meet Brennan’s.

“The fact that you’re here with me is exactly what she wanted. I just wish I was stronger than she was and had the courage to bring you two closer to her before she left.”

“I do too. It’s so hard for me, not knowing her. From what I remember, I know I loved her so much.”

“She loved you two more than you will ever know. The sun rose and set with you and Brennan. It was the least we could do for hurting you.”

“Let’s not talk about that okay?” I hug him tightly. “I want to hear about all the good she did and the smiles she offered to everyone.” He wipes his face and nods.

“Okay. I’ll try.”

~~~

The church fills up with people who came to pay their respects to my mother. Brennan, Paisley and I stand in the back of the room at the entrance greeting many strangers as they enter. Our father decided he needed a breath of fresh air before the ceremony begins. We’ve got about ten minutes before Drew’s father begins the service. I have spoken to him this morning regarding something special I wanted to do and asked if there was room for it. He reassured me that no matter what was on the agenda, that there’s always room for me.

“Do you think dad’s going to be okay?” Paisley asks. Brennan and I glance at each other quickly before answering.

“You’ve known him the longest Pai, what do you think?” Brennan says. She cringes at his response. “Look, I’m sorry for that, but this is still all too much. Forgive me?”

“It’s okay Brennan. I deserve anything you throw my way. I just didn’t realize it would happen today.” He drapes his arm around her shoulder and apologizes again.

“Pastor Johnson’s given us the nod. Go ahead and take Paisley in, I’ll get dad. Can you ask him to give us a few minutes?”

“Yeah, sure.” Brennan responds before leaning in and kissing my cheek quickly. Turning toward the main entry, I begin my search for dad.

“You hide well, you know that?” I approach him from behind. He’s sitting on a stone bench staring at the small pond just outside of the chapel. “Mr. Johnson’s ready for us.” I sit beside him. He looks toward me.

“I’m not sure I can let go Jenna.” He says wiping his tears away. I’ve been generally numb this entire time. Until now. So many memories of my father and I rush through my head and heart.

“Daddy, you don’t have to let go.” I explain. “Keep her with you. Keep her in your heart. Keep her in your mind. But don’t let go. She may not be here physically anymore, but she’s always here with you.” I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight as we sit there for a few minutes and cry for the loss of my mother. “I don’t remember much, but I loved her with everything I have in me. It’s taken seeing you like this that’s brought it all to the surface.”

“When did you become so insightful Jenna Lynn?” He holds me in return. “Thank you for everything. Thank you for forgiving me for everything I’ve done through the years.”

“One day at a time daddy. We decided long ago that we need to live for today, with no regrets, because tomorrow may never come. We all can die tomorrow, and if we did…”

He nods in agreement. “I get it now princess. Is that how the band got its name?” His voice is still pained, but he’s keeping his emotions under control.

“Yeah.”

“Well, it’s perfect. Especially after what you two have gone through.” He kisses my forehead. “Okay, let’s get this over with shall we?” He stands and offers his hand so I take it.

Moments later, we sit beside Brennan, Paisley and Gabe in the front row. Ashley decided to sit behind us with Drew, Matt and their families. The mic comes to life and Pastor Johnson steps behind the podium.

“Hello and welcome. Today we gather in the company of family and friends not to only mourn the passing of our dear loved one, but we are here to celebrate the life of Ally Munson.” His eyes meet mine before he continues. “I have had the pleasure of spending some quality time with both Ally and Robert over these past few months. And let me tell you, she was definitely a force to be reckoned with. Her personality over everything else in her life simply overlooked the horrible disease she fought. She made some pretty terrible choices in her life that she regretted until her last breath. For a long time, she thought this was the outcome of her life decisions. I reassured her and Robert both, that this was definitely not the case. You see, I have also had the pleasure of meeting Brennan and Jenna, Ally’s son and daughter. And after some strong convincing on how wonderful her children are, I was able to reassure that even though she may have made some wrong decisions in her life, her children have flourished quite nicely.”

“Ally and I have spoken deeply before her passing regarding the service today. Instead of your traditional ceremony, she wanted to do something for her husband and children. Again, this is all Ally’s doing and if you have ever gotten a chance to truly meet her, she was one of the most hard-headed women I’ve ever known. Besides her daughter of course.” He chuckles looking my way. My heart aches a bit, but not in sadness. “So with that being said, I will follow the wishes of Mrs. Ally Munson and we will have it her way, like always. First, Jenna has something she would like to share. Jenna, sweetheart, will you please come up?” He asks. Oh wow, I didn’t think I would be first. I release my father’s hands and slowly make my way to stand behind the podium. Gabe follows me and brings a stool to sit behind me with his guitar.

“Um, hello. My name is Jenna, and Ally was, is my mother. Although I didn’t get to know her as much as you all did, I still reserved a piece of her in my heart.” I look directly at Brennan who appears shocked at the moment. I guess I should have told him about my little surprise. “Gabe and I would like to dedicate this song to mom.” My voice softens as I turn to my fiancé. “Um, it’s called ‘Tears in Heaven’ by Eric Clapton.”

The room goes silent and my father drops his head as I begin singing. Silent sobs fill the room as Gabe plays his guitar and I follow with the lyrics. I try to keep my eyes off my brother until I finish the song.

“I must be strong. And carry on. ‘Cause I know I know I don’t belong, here in heaven.” Gabe finishes the song and the room is silent with the exception of a few quiet sobs.

“Um, like I said before, I didn’t know my mom very well. I’m really not sure if most of you really knew about Brennan and me, but she was my mother nonetheless and she will always be a part of my life. She is responsible for so many things in my life, even though she wasn’t a participant in most of it. It’s important for me to be able to acknowledge that. So with that said.” I turn to the photo of her. “Mom, thank you. I hope you have found peace. Don’t worry about Brennan and me, we will be just fine.” I dab my eyes with the tissue and turn into Gabe’s open arms. He walks me back to my family and I hug each of them tight.

“Thank you Jenna. That means so much to me, your mother would have loved it. Actually I know she loves it.” Dad cries.

“You shocked the hell out of me sis.” Brennan holds me again. Before Matty and Drew lean over and offer their condolences.

“Isn’t her voice beautiful folks?” Drew’s dad says. “Have I mentioned that our children are in a band together? And of course Jenna is the lead singer. With a voice like that, they are bound to go to the top.” He has so much pride in his voice. “You see, Jenna here is best friends with my son Drew. They met during an unfortunate circumstance. However, it takes tough times to bring a light to the surface. The saying ‘Every cloud has a silver lining’ comes to thought. That is something Ally and I discussed several times before her last days here on earth. She was so proud of her children. Usually, a song is chosen from family members that is dedicated to the deceased, but Ally wanted something different. She has a little something special for each of her children and her husband. It’s her song for them.” He says before stepping back and sitting by his wife when the stereo comes to life. I gasp when I hear my mother’s voice once again.

“My dearest Robert. I know you didn’t want me to do anything special for you, but I just couldn’t help myself.” The song ‘I’m Gonna Love You through It’ by Martina McBride begins to play behind her voice. “You’ve been my savior all these years. You were my rock. It was you that kept me holding on during one of the darkest times of my life. I thank God every day for you returning to me. It must have been harder for you than it was for me to be away from you for all those years. Thank you for loving me through it during my tough times. I love you, forever and always.” The song plays and begins to morph into another.

“Paisley, love.” She begins as ‘Carry On’ by Fun begins. “You were such a hidden blessing to me. You might not have thought you were, and I know things were difficult with us. However, in the end, I believe you will be able to carry on. Allow your brother and sister to help you through the trials and tribulations of life. And please help your father during this struggling time for him. He will need your help more than ever.” The song carries on.

Once her song finishes, she begins to speak again while ‘All of the Stars’ by Ed Sheeran slowly begins. “Brennan. My handsome baby boy. I want you to always see the stars. Just like we did when we would lay in the back yard and stare at the sky. Do you remember that?” He smiles. “When I see the stars, I think of you. You are a shining star, a guide for your sisters to always find their way home, to you. Brennan, I love you with all my heart. I always have and I always will. Stay strong my boy. And promise me something… Always stay open and honest with yourself.” She pauses for quite some time after his song ends. The room remains silent while we all wait for what’s next.

“And that leaves my Jenna. My little princess.” The tears in my eyes are brimming. As I let them fall, ‘Smile’ from Nat King Cole begins. She chokes up and remains quiet while the music plays on. I lean into Gabe’s hold as the song plays. My chest feels like it’s being ripped into shreds. After a while, she speaks. Her voice is soft, you can tell, she didn’t want to speak during the lyrics. It must have been too tough for her.