No Shadow (Prodigal Sons of Cane) (11 page)

Realizing she’d
misunderstood his dazed stare, Andrew murmured, “I don’t think you’re a freak.
I can’t believe you’ve been overlooked.” His eyes and mouth softened. “I can’t
believe no one wants you.”

It wasn’t true.
He
wanted her. Deeply. Desperately.

Her face was
still flushed, but this time she didn’t look away. They lay side by side on the
blanket on the grass. Not touching. Not doing anything but holding the gaze.

And Andrew lost
his breath anyway.

It
felt
like they were touching. The shared look was so intense, so intimate, that he
was sure she had to know how he felt. That the feelings he’d been trying to
fend off for weeks had risen to the surface, had spilled over into the gaze.

For the first
time, he felt a flare of hope. That maybe—miraculously—Helen might return those
feelings. That she might see something in him, however unworthy, that she
wanted too.

He wanted to
take her hand. He wanted to kiss her. And soon the urge was so strong he had to
hold himself back by the force of his will. Finally, he had to turn his head
and look back up to the bird’s nest, still shadowed in the tree. If he hadn’t
looked away, he wouldn’t have been able to stop himself from reaching out to
her, and then there would have been no turning back.

Helen cleared
her throat and sat up on the blanket. “Well, that’s nice of you to say,
although I’m afraid my dating track record speaks for itself.” She rubbed her
face, as if she were trying to dispel cobwebs. “So why did you come back? To
your faith, I mean?”

Andrew stared
up at her for a minute, amazed and touched by what her words had implied.
“Thank you for assuming I have.”

“Oh. I just
assumed…I mean, you’re committed to God now. Right?”

“Right. It’s
been a process. During my twenties, I basically tried to ignore God, but for
the last several years I’ve been on my way back. Now, I think I’m almost there.
I just seem to be missing one last thing. Peace, maybe.”

Helen nodded,
as if she’d understood this about him already. It reassured Andrew. She wasn’t
deceived about him. She understood his spiritual struggles and neither ignored
them or made too much of them.

She idly
glanced up into the tree again and smiled as she noticed something. “Look. The
bird’s nest is in sunlight now.”

Andrew followed
her gaze and couldn’t help but smile at how brightly the nest and the perched
bird were lit. They were too far away to see the eggs, but he knew they’d be
there.

“It doesn’t
take much to break the shadows,” she murmured, meeting his eyes and obviously
meaning so much more than the surface of the words. “Just the sun.”

Just the sun
.

She was in the
sunlight now too, her braided hair and rosy face lit by the bright fall of
light.

Andrew wanted
her so much, and he wasn’t sure how he could keep denying his feelings, just
because he knew that he didn’t deserve her. It seemed selfish to saddle her
with his conflicted soul, even if she was gracious enough to receive it. He
still had so much to work out with God and himself.

But maybe if he
could finally find peace, then he could find love as well.

***

For the next week, Helen waited
to hear from Andrew.

She’d come down
from the mountain on an emotional high. For the first time, she actually
considered the possibility that he might be interested in her romantically. The
personal nature of their conversation and his willingness to open had felt
significant.

She could no
longer deny that her feelings might be mutual. He’d looked at her so intensely,
so hungrily. As if she were what he’d been waiting for his whole life. At one
point she’d been sure he was close to kissing her. She didn’t have much
experience with men, and she’d been wrong about men before. But she was sure
she wasn’t deceived in Andrew’s attentions to her.

In church on
Sunday after the hike, she saw him across the sanctuary. He smiled at her—and
there was a certain resonance in his expression that made her blush. But she
got waylaid after the service by a couple of the women in the church, and Andrew
was gone before she was able to get across to aisle to speak to him.

But she hoped
for a call, perhaps. Maybe even an invitation on a date. She felt like there
was some kind of understanding between them now. Unspoken, perhaps, but there
nonetheless.

So she went to
work on Monday jittery and excited, but she didn’t hear from Andrew that day.

And so she
hoped that he was just waiting until the next day to speak to her, since she’d
arranged to have dinner with Melissa on Tuesday anyway.

But when Helen went
over to the Cane’s house on Tuesday, Trish answered the door rather than Andrew,
and he didn’t put in an appearance for dinner, as she’d half expected. Since
she was feeling uncertain about the whole thing, she made a point of not asking
Melissa where he was.

Often, in the
past, he would be working in his office when Helen came over, but he’d always
come out at some point—sometimes just before she left—to say hello.

He didn’t
emerge at all on Tuesday, and Helen went home sorely disappointed.

On Wednesday,
she still hoped for a call. She and Andrew had shared something on
Saturday—something real and intimate. He’d treated her like she was special.

She was sure he
wasn’t the kind of man to lead her on or play with her emotions.

But Thursday
came and she still hadn’t heard from him. By the evening, she was starting to
give up hope. She’d been mistaken about men before. Had believed men were
interested in her when they obviously weren’t. Perhaps she’d read too much into
his words and expression.

He’d said he
couldn’t believe any man hadn’t wanted her before, but that didn’t necessarily
mean
he
did.

She was eating
leftover pizza on Thursday evening and trying not to feel sorry for herself
when the phone rang. She leapt for it, snatching it up on the second ring. She’d
never in her life been so eager for a phone call.

After her
greeting, a male voice said, “Helen? Hi.”

She let out a
breath. Not Andrew. “Hi. Yeah, it’s Helen.”

“It’s Thomas
Harrison calling.”

She greeted him
with as much enthusiasm as she could muster. She genuinely thought he was a
nice guy. He just wasn’t Andrew.

Earlier that
week, Judy had taken her off the manuscript duty. The appraisal had come in,
and Thomas was accepting offers for purchase. Helen wasn’t qualified to
negotiate the sale, so someone else at the college was assigned that
responsibility.

At this point,
the whole thing was out of Helen’s hands. She’d been so distracted with Andrew
that the situation hadn’t bothered her as much as it would have otherwise.

She was pretty
sure the library didn’t have much chance of successfully buying the
manuscript—not if the Dean refused to up their offer. Andrew would get it. She
was no longer hurt and angry about his behavior. She believed that—whatever
conversation he’d had with the Dean—he hadn’t intended to betray her. This was
just one of those things that were out of her hands. It was bitterly
disappointing. But, had she started to date Andrew like she’d been hoping, the
edge of the disappointment would have blunted quite nicely.

“You heard I’m
accepting offers for the manuscript this week, I guess,” Thomas said, after a
little small talk.

“Yeah. I’m sure
you’re relieved to finally get down to business.”

“It does seem
to have taken a long time, but I’m also glad for another reason.” He cleared his
throat. “I’ve been waiting until you no longer had responsibility for dealing
with the manuscript because I didn’t want there to be a conflict of interest.”

Helen sucked in
a breath, instinctively understanding what was about to happen.

“I was wondering
if you wanted to go out to dinner with me on Saturday night.”

Six weeks ago,
Helen would have said yes without any hesitation. Thomas was a good man and a
pleasant companion. While she wasn’t inordinately attracted to him, that was
something that might change.

Now, Andrew had
taken over her interest so completely that she hadn’t even thought about Thomas
much for almost a month.

But Andrew had
never spoken a word to her about pursuing a dating relationship. In fact, he’d
been extremely careful in all of his dealings with her—giving her no direct
signs of romantic intentions.

She’d been
convinced that his expression and his opening up to her on Saturday had meant
something deeper. But a week had gone by, and he hadn’t followed up.

More than that,
he’d obviously been avoiding her.

She’d been
wrong so many times before. For once, she’d been trying to follow her father’s
advice and not assume she belonged in the shadows. That, as unlikely as it
seemed, maybe a man as incredible as Andrew Cane might fall for her.

But her
romantic dreams had always been crushed in the past, and it seemed they would
be now too.

She couldn’t
put her life in neutral as she dreamed of Andrew—when he’d gone out of his way
to show her that he wasn’t going to ask her out.

So, after a moment’s
pause, she said weakly, “Uh, yeah. I guess that would be all right.” There was
nothing wrong with going to dinner with Thomas—to at least figure out whether
they had any potential at all.

He wasn’t Andrew,
but Thomas had at least asked her out. Something it seemed more and more
evident that Andrew had no intention of doing.

“Great,” Thomas
said, sounding relieved. “Should I pick you up at about seven?”

“That would be
fine. Thanks for asking.”

“You’re
welcome. I’m looking forward to it.”

When she hung up,
Helen stared at the phone.

It was
ironic—in a slightly bitter way. She’d spent all week hoping to get a call for
a date, and she finally had.

With the wrong
man.

But there was
no reason to assume he was the wrong man. She’d known all along the prince of
the story would never fall for a quiet, unassuming librarian.

She’d let her
imagination get away from her again. It had happened all her life. But she was
going to be mature and reasonable about it now.

And she wasn’t
going to let Andrew Cane break her heart any more.

“Does this look all right?”
Helen asked, staring at herself in the full-length mirror in her bedroom. She
wore a brown skirt and a pink crocheted sweater. She wasn’t sure where Thomas
was planning to take her for dinner, but it seemed rude not to dress up a
little. “I don’t want to look overdressed.”

“No. It’s
perfect. You can go anywhere in that.” Lorraine was lounging on the armchair in
Helen’s room, having come over for counsel and company as Helen got ready to go
on her date on Saturday evening.

Helen peered at
her hair, which was hanging in a shiny fall down her back. “What should I do
with my hair? Put it up like normal?”

“No. I
wouldn’t. It’s so pretty when you wear it down.”

She supposed
most women her age wouldn’t get in such a tizzy about something as simple as a
date, but dating wasn’t an everyday occurrence for her—or even an every-
year
occurrence. Plus, she was too old-fashioned to be able to treat dating as
casually as a lot of women seemed to.

Helen pulled
the top layer of her hair back, securing it with a large barrette she grabbed
from the top of her dresser. “How’s that?”

“Good. You look
great. Just not that excited.”

“I am excited.
It’s just…I don’t know.”

“It’s not who
you want to be going out with.”

“I like
Thomas,” Helen insisted. “I do. He asked me out, and I haven’t been on a date
in four years.”

“Uh huh.” Lorraine
looked unconvinced.

“I’m not going
to let a silly crush get in the way of my life.”

“Is that what
it is? You just have a silly crush on Andrew?”

“Of course
that’s what it is,” Helen said, praying it was true. “I’ve known him less than
two months, and we never went out or anything.”

“But you were
glowing when you came back from the hike on Saturday.”

Helen shrugged
and rooted through her jewelry case, looking for earrings to wear. “I got my
hopes up. I admit it. But obviously nothing came of it. Why shouldn’t I go out
with Thomas?”

“No reason.
Unless you know you could never be interested in him. Then it seems a little
cruel.”

“I don’t know
whether I could be interested in him or not. That’s why I’m going out with him.
I’ve been distracted by Andrew for the last several weeks, but that doesn’t
mean Thomas is a hopeless case.” Helen stared at Lorraine’s thoughtful face,
suddenly worried about her decision-making. “You don’t really think I’m being
cruel to Thomas, do you? It’s just a first date. To sort of test the waters. I
never led him on or made him think I had feelings for him. Please tell me you
don’t think I’m doing the wrong thing.”

Lorraine’s face
softened. “No. I don’t think it’s wrong.  I just think it might be a little…a
little futile.”

“What do you
mean by that?”

“I mean it’s
pretty obvious that you’re too far gone on Andrew to even consider another
man.”

A wave of
aching feeling slammed into Helen, and she slumped to sit on the edge of the
bed. “That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it?” Lorraine’s
face was sympathetic now rather than wry.

“It can’t be. It
can’t be true. What kind of an idiot would I be to let myself fall for a man I
knew I could never have?” Despite her words, Helen experienced a heavy feeling
in her gut, proving to her that Lorraine was right.

“I’m still not
convinced you can never have him. You’ve never given yourself enough credit.
Why shouldn’t Andrew fall in love with you?”

“Well, I’m
telling you that he hasn’t. He’s avoided me all week. Maybe he had a few stray
feelings, but he’s not about to act on them. I’m not just going to sit around
and mope about it.”

“I’m not
suggesting you mope, but maybe give yourself and him a little more time to sort
things out. Couldn’t there be another reason why Andrew hasn’t tried to contact
you this week?”

Helen stuck her
chin out, trying to fight back rising despair. “Like what? What could possibly
cause him to avoid me, except that he doesn’t want me to get the wrong idea?”
She rubbed her face, a wash of embarrassment causing her cheeks to burn. “He
probably suspects I’ve been silly enough to develop feelings so he’s trying to
let me down easy. I’m so stupid. He’s way out my league.”

“Helen, stop
it!” Lorraine’s words were sharp, sudden.

She stiffened
and glared at her friend. “You don’t have to yell at me.”

“Someone needs
to get through to you. Andrew is not out of your league. No one is out of your
league. There is no such thing as a league! Love is a gift, totally undeserved.
For
everyone
.”

Helen blinked,
taken aback by Lorraine’s vehemence. Then she smiled, a little poignantly. “I
know. You’re right. It’s just hard to get it through to my heart.”

With a heavy
sigh, Lorraine got up and went over to give Helen a friendly half-hug. “I know.
But if nothing happens with Andrew, it’s not because he’s too good for you or
something ridiculous like that. It’s as likely for him to love you as anyone
else.”

“Right.” Helen
nodded, trying to believe it. “Why shouldn’t he love me? Just because no one’s
ever loved me before.”

“That’s not
true. God loves you. And your family loves you. And even I love you—despite the
fact that you drive me crazy sometimes.”

Helen couldn’t
help but giggle. “I meant men.”

Lorraine stood
up with her familiar, dry smile. “I know what you meant. Just trying to put
things in perspective.”

Despite
herself, Helen was starting to feel a little better. She still had that heavy
feeling in her belly when she thought of Andrew, but she suspected that
wouldn’t go away for a while. “I know. Thanks.”

***

Thomas took Helen to the best
restaurant in Cane.

It wasn’t
particularly expensive or fancy. The food was what was generally referred to as
“country cooking,” and the décor matched the cuisine—with fake flowers,
baskets, and aprons displayed profusely on shelves and tables. But Helen liked
the food, and she was glad Thomas hadn’t made plans to drive them to one of the
neighboring cities to a more formal restaurant.

This felt more
casual and didn’t make her so nervous.

Between them,
they knew about two-thirds of the patrons in the restaurant, and Helen
recognized a lot of intrigued and delighted looks coming their way. She could
just hear the gossip.
Helen Walton has finally found a boyfriend! We thought
she never would! Poor Thomas Harrison has found a new love interest, after his
sweet wife dying so tragically! When will the engagement be announced?

It was an
inevitable part of living in a small town, particularly having been born and
raised there, so there was no sense in dealing with it with anything less than
resigned good-nature.

Helen and
Thomas had a nice time. They chatted about people they knew, their work, recent
books, and the new strip being built along the highway that ran by Cane, which
would include a gas station and fast food restaurant. Helen was more
comfortable than she’d expected to be—although she suspected that might be
because she wasn’t particularly trying to impress Thomas. She felt no anxious jitters
or simmering excitement. She was relaxed and natural, and she basically enjoyed
Thomas’s company.

By the end of
the meal though, she was pretty clear on what she would have to say to Thomas
if he asked her out again. She’d given it a try, and she still thought Thomas
was a great guy.

But he wasn’t Andrew,
and, at this point, Helen couldn’t even begin to consider anyone else.

Her mind kept
slipping back to Andrew, wondering where he was, what he was doing, why he was
avoiding her, and if he’d thought about her at all this week. Why would he have
acted so intimate with her if he was just going to drop her acquaintance the
following day?

Occasionally,
she considered a thrilling possibility. He was spiritually confused. Perhaps he
was waiting until he’d gotten things straight before he made any sort of
romantic advance toward her.

But she
couldn’t let herself hope for that too much. Lorraine and her father were right
about how she shouldn’t assume no one could love her, but it would also be
foolish to let herself be strung along by her dreams, when nothing concrete in Andrew’s
behavior supported those dreams.

The best advice
she’d ever gotten about men was not to read exciting subplots into their
behavior. If they were interested, they would let you know.

Andrew hadn’t
let her know.

But she
couldn’t go out with Thomas again. Not until she got over Andrew, anyway.

***

Andrew’s flight from D.C. got in
at six-thirty, and then he had to drive the hour and a half from the airport in
a nearby city to Cane. He’d been away from his company offices for too long,
and he’d had to make a trip back this week to meet with a few clients and
handle a couple of minor crises that had arisen.

He thought he’d
be glad of the chance to get away and clear his head a bit. It should have been
nice to be home and have some time to himself.

But he’d been
incredibly lonely—without even Melissa for company, since she’d stayed in Cane
so she wouldn’t have to face the stress of the trip. It hadn’t even felt like
he was home, even though he was in the house he’d lived in for eleven years.

He’d missed
Helen. A lot. Hadn’t been able to stop thinking about her.

He left his
suitcase in the hall and immediately went up to the garret suite to see
Melissa. Some of the tension in his shoulders and neck relaxed when she saw him
and ran over to hug him with a wide grin.

“I’m so glad
you’re home!” she said, squeezing him tightly.

He noticed her
choice of words and wondered at it. Then wondered why it really felt like he
was home now, instead of in D.C. “I’m glad to be back. How have you been?”

“I’ve been all
right,” Melissa told him, shooing him into the window seat.

“Trish said you’ve
been withdrawn for the last couple of days.”

She shrugged.
“Not too bad. Just felt a little anxious.”

He studied her
closely. She looked all right. A little paler than she’d been when he left, and
he recognized a lingering unease in her gray eyes that had almost been banished
last week. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure. I
missed you. And… But I’m not heading for a breakdown.”

Her voice seemed
confident, but Andrew wasn’t entirely convinced. She was definitely on edge. He
never should have left her for so long. She’d been doing so well for the
several weeks—making strides she hadn’t made in years.

But all he said
was, “All right. Glad to hear it.” After a pause, he remembered what she’d just
said. “And what?”

“And what,
what?”

“You said you
missed me. And…”

“Oh.” She
glanced away and fidgeted. “Nothing.”

Intrigued and
worried now, he leaned forward. “Melissa?”

She let out a
long breath. “I just wish you hadn’t been out of town this week.”

He felt a pang
of regret and guilt—although he had responsibilities at work that he simply
couldn’t ignore. “It was necessary, but I’m sorry I had to leave you alone.”

She opened her
mouth to say something but then must have decided against it.

Andrew was more
worried than ever at her odd behavior and her restlessness—which had always
been a symptom of an approaching breakdown—but he didn’t want to push her too
hard since he knew that was counterproductive. Instead, he asked, “So what have
you been doing this week?”

Her face
relaxed, and she started chatting in something closer to her normal voice. “I
got through editing the content for those web pages. Did you get my email this
morning?”

“Yeah. Just
before I got on the plane.”

“And I’ve been
trying to train Rat.” Her lip quirked up at his expression—since they hadn’t
yet reconciled on the name of their adopted dog. “He’s walking better now. Just
limping a little. And he will usually sit, although he hasn’t quite gotten ‘shake’
or ‘down’ yet.”

Andrew smiled
and glanced out the window, down at the green backyard. “Did Helen come to see
you this week?” he asked, trying to keep his voice casual.

He felt, rather
than saw Melissa stiffen. “Yes. She came over for dinner on Tuesday and then
again last night.”

Scrutinizing
her face, he saw that uneasy look appear again. “What’s the matter? You two
didn’t argue, did you?”

“No. She’s
great. We get along just fine.”

He clenched his
jaw to keep himself from asking Melissa whether Helen had mentioned him at all.
“That’s good. Is she coming over this evening too?” His question was diffident,
and he kept his eyes on his sister’s face.

She looked down
at her twisting hands. “No.”

“Melissa, what
on earth is the matter? What’s wrong with Helen?” His heart lurched as he
wondered if something had happened to her.

“Nothing’s
wrong with her. She just has other plans tonight.”

Something about
the delicate way Melissa phrased it made Andrew straighten up with a jerk.
“What plans?”

Melissa’s mouth
twisted with concern. “She’s going out on a date. With Thomas Harrison.”

“
What
?”

“I knew you’d
be upset. I’m so sorry, Andrew.”

Andrew raised a
hand to knead the tight muscles at the back of his neck, and he forced down as
much of his jealousy and outrage as he could. “Why is she going out with him?”

“He asked her
out.”

“But why would
she say yes? I thought we—“ Andrew broke off, a knot of emotion tightening in
his chest as he remembered the hike last Saturday, how close he’d felt to
Helen. He’d assumed she’d felt the same way.

“Had you said anything
to her?” Melissa asked urgently. “About your feelings, I mean?”