No Strings Attached (The Pink Bean Series Book 1) (13 page)

To her instant relief, because in the brief instant between opening her eyes and turning her body to look she’d feared the worst, Robin was still there. She lay curled into a ball with her back to Micky, hogging most of the sheet.

Micky fell back onto the mattress, letting all the memories of the day before flood her brain. How could she possibly resume her life after a day like that? How could she face her children? She was lucky they were both in a phase of their teenage years that had them mainly focused on themselves. Perhaps they wouldn’t notice how, overnight, Micky had changed.

And there was that word again: lesbian. Micky figured she had moved quite a bit on the spectrum in the space of one day. Even if she hadn’t reached full-blown lesbianism on the scale just yet, she’d at least engaged in some very lesbian activity. And she had enjoyed every single second of it. But this morning, in the clear light of day, she would have to face the consequences. She would need Amber. But, perhaps, before all of that… She turned on her side and ran a finger over Robin’s magnificent back. Even from this point of view, she was beautiful. Irresistible.

Micky remembered those nights in college when she would drink so much that, the next day when she woke up after a few hours of sleep, she’d still feel intoxicated. That was how she felt now. She wasn’t silly enough to think that this was love, but Micky was surely—unequivocally—in lust.

Robin stirred and rolled onto her back, displaying her ample chest to Micky’s gaze. There was no more doubt in Micky’s mind that they were real. After two pregnancies, Micky’s own breasts, compared to Robin’s, looked a little sad, but instead of comparing herself to Robin’s younger, worked-out body, Micky had told herself to enjoy it. After all, Robin had repeatedly said that she would be leaving Sydney at the end of the year. Micky had to take full advantage of the time she was there, and she would worry about the shape of her own body later, once Robin had left.

What an excruciating thought. Robin leaving.

“Morning.” Robin opened her eyes and stretched her arms over her head.

“Hey.” When she looked into Robin’s sleep-crusted eyes like that, Micky did, for a split second, wonder if she’d only fallen in lust. If this wasn’t more already. But how could it be? If it was, then she was just projecting or it was some other psychological trick her brain was playing on her. People in puberty fell in love in a flash. That was what was happening to her. Lesbian puberty.

“What time is it?” Robin grabbed Micky’s hand.

“A bit after ten.”

“No CrossFit again for me today. You’re ruining my fitness.” Robin smiled while lifting both their hands in the space between them.

“You’re improving mine.” Micky’s heart flooded with a strange sensation. What could possibly be more heavenly than to wake up next to another woman on a Sunday morning?

“What are you doing today?” Robin kept playing with Micky’s hand.

“Not much. Possibly meet up with Amber.”

“What would you do if I weren’t here?”

“Exactly the same, plus feel sorry for myself because you weren’t here.” Micky didn’t stop the impulse to press a kiss to Robin’s cheek. Granted, she didn’t know much about the whole friends-with-benefits thing, but she knew this was not it. This scene, in her bedroom on a glorious Sunday morning, was not one of a couple of friends having just spent the night together and happily, freely, and with a few friendly orgasms in their pockets, going on their way, continuing their lives as though this had no impact on their souls.

“Well, I’m here so no need to feel sorry for yourself.” When Robin smiled, the first pinch of dread settled in Micky’s stomach. Already, she was feeling anxious about the moment Robin would leave, when they would say good-bye—awkwardly, most likely, because Micky wouldn’t know what to say.

“Do you want to make another friend?” she asked. “You met Amber briefly at The Pink Bean last week. I’m pretty sure she would love to get to know you better.”

“Because I’m fucking her best friend?” Robin trapped Micky’s hand between hers and the spot just below her naked breast.

“Well, yes, if you put it like that.”
Speaking of fucking
.

“I don’t know if it’s a good idea. Yesterday and last night were great fun.” Robin gave Micky’s hand a little squeeze. “But maybe we should talk instead of being formally introduced to friends.”

Micky remembered Robin asking her if she wanted to talk last night, but talk had been the very last thing on her mind. It still was now, but for a different reason. Any conversation they would have now would ruin the spell she was under, these blissful moments of complete ignorance, of being another, brand new version of Michaela Ferro. Moreover, Micky knew she
needed
to have the conversation, lest she lose control over her feelings even more. Her lusty brain had to be put in its place—but the renewed throbbing between her legs wasn’t helping.

“What do you want to talk about?” Micky’s voice sounded too petulant to her liking, but she couldn’t take back the tone she’d said the words in.

“I know that yesterday I said there were no rules, but for this to work, I think we will need some, anyway.”

“Why can’t it just be what it is, without having to say it’s this or that? Why can’t we just enjoy each other’s company?” Micky withdrew her hand from Robin’s grasp and let herself fall onto her back.

“To avoid exactly what is happening now.” Robin pushed herself up on an elbow. “I’ve told you…”

“Yes, yes, I know. You don’t do relationships, and you’re leaving at the end of the year.” It’s only March, Micky wanted to add, with great emphasis.

“I just don’t want there to be any misunderstandings between us.” Robin’s voice was kind, as were her eyes on Micky.

“What rules would you even have?” Micky was the one who grabbed for Robin’s hand now. She needed to feel her touch, feel connected to her. “In all these years you’ve lived abroad, have you never… fallen in love?”

“I have, Micky, and then I had to leave. That’s why I can’t let it happen again.”

“How do you even do that? It’s not as if it’s an emotion you can just turn off.”

“By having rules and being vigilant.”

Micky shook her head. “But I want to fall in love. By God, I want it so much. I want to feel what I felt with you last night again and again. I don’t want to be vigilant and have rules about how I’m allowed to feel. I’m too old for that. I’ve wasted too much time. I just want to live and try to be happy. Now that we’re having this talk, I’m not interested in being friends with benefits either. I think it’s a ridiculous concept." Micky looked away from Robin. She could feel her pulse in her throat, throbbing like crazy, as though rooting for her after what she’d just said.

Next to her, Robin sighed. “Then I only have one choice,” she said. “I need to take a step back.”

Micky wasn’t done. She imagined all the words that were spilling out of her right now having piled up in her brain over the past twenty-four hours. Shoved to the side, deemed inappropriate for the moment, until they were too many and came bursting out.

“Why? Why are you like this, Robin? You claim you just want to have fun, yet you suck the fun right out of it with your talk of rules and vigilance. How can you live like that?”

“Because…” Robin pursed her lips together. “I don’t want there to be an imbalance between us. I don’t want you to feel more for me than I can give back and vice versa.”

“What does that even mean?” Micky sat up straighter.

“I’ll tell you what it means. And I know you’ll know what I’m talking about.” Robin fixed her gaze on Micky. “I know because there’s something between us. Something different. Something that, if we don’t pay attention, will turn into much more than the spark it is now.”

“But isn’t that just the most wonderful thing about it?” Micky threw her hands up in exasperation. Of course, she knew what Robin was trying to say, but she did not want to hear those words. “Look.” She placed a hand on Robin’s thigh. “I just celebrated the one-year anniversary of my divorce. I loved my husband, but I would be lying if I said we had a speck of passion left for the past… ten years. There was nothing. Nada. Zilch. Then I met you, and you reintroduced me to what passion really feels like. As though all the passion I had missed out on during the last decade of my life had been compressed in the little time I’ve spent with you. And yes, that’s going to have an impact on me, is going to leave me feeling like a hormonal lesbian-in-puberty, but fuck it, Robin, this”—she pointed at the two of them with widespread fingers—“is exactly what I want. I couldn’t have dreamed of it, but now that I’ve experienced it, I know it’s what I want.”

“I can’t give you what you want.” Robin’s voice didn’t have a lot of smile left in it.

“But you’ve already given it to me.” That pinch of dread in Micky’s stomach was quickly turning into a vise grip of despair around her heart.

“Then it looks like I will have to take it back.” Robin just sat there motionless, making Micky believe she still had a chance to convince her otherwise.

“What are you so afraid of? I don’t understand. What could be more glorious than this?” Of course, Micky could refer to how she felt all she wanted, that didn’t mean Robin felt the same.

“I’m not afraid.” More steel in Robin’s voice. “I had wrongly assumed we were on the same page, what with you barely being out, but I see now that I made an error of judgment.”

“An error of judgment? That’s what you’re calling me?”

Robin shook her head. “Can’t you see? What is happening now is exactly the sort of thing I try to avoid. I don’t need this sort of drama.”

“Oh, sure, next thing you’ll tell me you don’t need love in your life either.” Oh shit. Micky hadn’t meant to say the l-word. That was a grave mistake. She blamed the pile of words rapidly rushing from the back to the front of her brain.

“Micky, Micky, Micky.” Robin started shifting under the sheets. “I think I’d better go.”

“Fine.” Micky could kick herself for saying what she had about love. It wasn’t even relevant. Though she stood by all the other things she’d said. “Go.”

“I’m sorry this is not working out the way you had hoped. I really thought I had been clear from the very beginning.” Obviously, Robin was not the storming-out-in-a-huff kind and liked to have the last word. “I truly am sorry.”

“I don’t even know what we’re fighting about.” Micky tried to sound as aloof as possible. “We’ve only just met. I’m just a lonely divorcée discovering her true feelings for women for the very first time. Don’t mind little old me.” That sounded much more like self-pity than aloofness. Robin made Micky pick all the wrong words from the jumble in her mind.

“I like you, Micky. Otherwise, I wouldn’t still be here. I would have gone home last night. Come to think of it, that’s what I should have done. That was my bad. But this… useless arguing over feelings, that’s something I don’t do. And yes, you absolutely deserve someone who will fall madly in love with you. And you will find that woman soon enough, I promise you. You have a knack for attracting them, take it from me.”

What did that even mean? Why didn’t Robin just go home already instead of messing with Micky’s head more.

“But I can tell you one thing with absolute certainty: I am not the woman you’re looking for.” With that, Robin did get up and start searching for the clothes she had so easily, so willingly and eagerly, discarded the previous night, before hopping into bed with Micky for the second time in one day.

Now Micky’s brand new bed was tainted with the memory of all that they had done in it; and the different person Micky had become in the process: free, curious, exhilarated.

She watched as Robin amassed her clothes and hurried into the bathroom. I guess that shower Micky had dreamed of the two of them taking together was now out of the question.

She could get up, fight some more, try to articulate her thoughts better, but she knew there was no use. Additionally, what right did she have to put any claims on Robin? She was just in lust, any logical thoughts clouded by the new memories she had made and the acute desire to be covered in woman all over again as soon as possible.

The problem, at this very moment, was that Micky couldn’t possibly imagine that woman being anyone but Robin.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

“Jesus, Amber, I’m so stupid.” Amber was the only person in the world Micky would admit something like that to. But it was exactly how she felt. Utterly stupid. “I should have just kept my mouth shut.”

“I disagree. You should say what you feel. What was the alternative?”

“Er, amazingly hot sex.” Micky could barely look her friend in the eye.

“But at what cost?”

“Cost? I have no price to pay here. I have so many years to catch up on, and I had the most exquisite, experienced, enthralling woman in bed, just mere hours ago, and I let her go because of my feelings.”

“Come on, Micky. We are not animals. We can’t just make love and move on.”

Having Amber as a best friend was a blessing and a curse. Amber never—ever—slept with anyone until their chakras were aligned. “You were the one who told me to do this, if I may be so frank as to remind you.” Micky opened an expensive bottle of wine, which she’d snatched from Darren’s collection after he’d moved out, and drank greedily. “You encouraged some mindless fucking.” Micky also hadn’t had breakfast or lunch. She knew as soon as she said the word Amber wouldn’t react well to the f-word.

“I did no such thing. All I advised you to do was to be open to possibilities, which you were. And I applaud you for that. I also think you did the right thing. So did Robin. These things happen, Micky. People have different expectations of one situation most of the time. But this was your first. It would have been pretty naive to believe you were going to fall in love with the first woman you met who tickled your fancy, and end up happily ever after. This is life, not a fairy tale.”

“I know.” This was the blessed part of her friendship with Amber. “I just really, really like her.”

“Which is the problem,” Amber stated matter-of-factly.

“I think she likes me too. I think
that
’s the problem.”