Nobody Loves a Bigfoot Like a Bigfoot Babe (9 page)

ON THEIR RETURN to Big Beaver, Agents Johnson and Merlot parked their shiny black sedan outside the Flucker residence on Mill Road. The house was a white clapboard affair, replete with a white picket fence, and an avenue of rose bushes leading up to the porch.

Willis knocked on the door and waited with a look of trepidation on his face. He turned to Merlot, "Leave the questions to me."

Merlot saluted Willis.

Rose Flucker opened the front door to the FBI agents wearing a brightly colored floral kimono, and a shoulder length blond wig.

Agents Johnson and Merlot flashed their ID badges for Rose to get a good look at, which she did, making sure the faces matched the IDs.

"Willis Johnson, is that you?" Rose said with a smile on her face. "I'd heard the FBI were looking for our Beau."

Willis remained serious faced. His tone was strictly professional and to the point. "Indeed . . . we'd like to speak with you and Walt about Beau's disappearance."

A troubled look flittered across Rose's face. She looked somewhat dubiously at Willis, totally ignoring the female agent. "You really want to speak to Walt? Are you sure? I mean, you and he never did hit it off."

"Be that as it may, we need to speak to both of you in order to clear this mess up. The sooner we do that, the sooner we can leave."

Rose shrugged her shoulders and gave another smile. "Okay, come on in, but I can't be responsible for Walt."

Agents Johnson and Merlot stepped into the hallway of the Flucker residence.

Willis gave the décor a discerning look. On the walls were stuffed heads of animals and Rose's delicate paintings of flowers and local scenery.

Rose closed the door behind them. "This way," she said cheerfully as she led the way down the hallway.

From her cheerful manner Willis realized Rose Flucker wasn't taking her son's disappearance seriously, even though it had been a full two days.

As Rose walked down the hallway she informed her guests, "Walt is in his spaceship, don't you know."

The FBI agents stopped momentarily and exchanged questioning looks.

Merlot grinned and whispered, "His spaceship . . . this I gotta see." She drew out her cell phone in readiness.

Willis didn't respond. His expression was serious. They'd both read the report on Walt Flucker and his alleged alien abductions. The man was a major league nut job. Just like most people in Big Beaver.

"Oh yes . . . his spaceship. He spends a lot of time in there, these days. It's down in the basement."

Walt's make-believe spaceship was in the basement.
As good a place as any
, thought Willis. As they followed Rose Flucker, Willis recalled that as a teenager Walt used to watch a lot of sci-fi on TV, especially Star Trek. As he got older it was the X-Files. It figured that Walt would make up a story about aliens abducting him.

Rose reached the basement door first and opened it.

The light was already switched on allowing them to see into the depths below. They remained in the hallway and peered down the wooden stairs that led into the basement. There was a lot of clutter down there, noted Willis, but no sign of a spaceship.

"This way," Rose cheerfully said, as if calling to pets.

The FBI agents shrugged and followed Rose. At the foot of the steps Willis gave his surroundings a quick look. There was still no sign of a spaceship. But what did he really expect? Some crappy kid's model made out of tinfoil?

Rose pointed over to a closed, inconspicuous yellow wooden door. "It's in there." She walked over to the door.

The agents followed, not knowing what to expect.

Willis approached the closed door with trepidation at coming face to face with Walt Flucker. His pulse rate went up a notch.

The wooden door looked just like any other wooden door, thought Willis. He'd at least expected the door to Walt's "spaceship" to be made of some kind of metal and be gray in color.

Rose pressed the communication panel on the side of the door. It gave several loud clicks. She spoke into the communication panel.

"Greetings, Captain Flucker . . . Agents Johnson and Merlot are here."

There was no reply. A moment later the door automatically swung open accompanied with a swish noise, just like in Star Trek.

The FBI agents exchanged quizzical glances before stepping inside Walt's "spaceship."

The first thing Willis noticed was the steam, like a sauna. The second thing he noticed was Walt Flucker immersed in a hot tub, like a sauna. There was something different about Walt, but he couldn't quite put a finger on it?

Merlot suppressed a giggle. Her eyes were wide with amazement.

"Pinch me, Agent Johnson . . . am I seeing what you're seeing?"

Willis didn't reply, but gave Merlot a friendly punch in the arm as he followed Rose into Walt's "spaceship." The steamy heat of the room made an instant impression. He could feel beads of sweat on his brow.

Merlot pretended to rub her sore arm as she followed her partner.

The door closed behind the FBI agents with another swish.

Willis gave his surroundings a disdainfully quick glance. If he didn't know any better he would say that he was in a Swedish sauna room.

The walls, from floor to ceiling, were made of paneled cedar wood. There was even a massage table in a corner. And on one side of the room was a long wooden bench.

Seated on the wooded bench were six life -size female dummies with blond wigs dressed in kimonos, and standing to the side of them was a life-size plastic cutout of a pudgy Elvis Presley dressed in his white Las Vegas regalia.

Over in another corner of the room was a small glass-paneled room. Inside the room was a shower cubicle. The only other things that stuck out like sore thumbs-as did everything else, were several '70's-style, groovy, wax lava lamps. Very trippy indeed!

This is too weird
, thought Willis, as he tugged on his tie to loosen it and allow some of his body heat out. The sweat on his brow trickled down his face. He could feel his shirt sticking to his back.

Walt remained in the hot tub and watched the two agents approach. His eyes narrowed as he focused all his attention on Willis. His lip curled into a snarl, just like Elvis.

"Shit, if it isn't Willis Johnson? I heard you'd joined the Feds."

Willis hadn't expected a warm welcome. "We'd like to ask you a few questions about Beau."

"What for . . . Beau is just fooling around." Walt looked pleased at Willis' discomfort. "You look a little hot under the collar, Willy boy. You and your hot partner fancy a dip?"

"No, we would definitely not fancy a dip," Willis said curtly, as if offended by the very suggestion of immersing himself in the hot tub with Walt Flucker.

Now, if it had been Lou in the tub . . .
no, don't go there you idiot. Get into character-the rock. That's better
.

"When did you last see Beau?" Willis demanded.

"Well . . . before he went missing," Rose said in a matter-of-fact obvious way.

"Uh-huh . . . did he seem . . . upset about anything?" Merlot asked, emphasizing upset.

Willis shot Merlot a look to keep quiet, but knew beyond all doubt she wouldn't be able to keep her big mouth shut.

Merlot poked out her tongue and shrugged.

Rose thought for a moment and smiled. "Beau's a fun-loving boy . . . why would he be upset if he's having fun? Always has a smile on his face."

Walt looked affectionately at his wife. "Have to admit, Beau sure takes after his sweet mother . . . wouldn't harm a fly."

Walt and Rose smiled lovingly at one another.

"So you don't think he could have run away?" Merlot asked, as she undid several buttons of her blouse, revealing cleavage.

Walt looked incredulously at Merlot. "Not our Beau . . . he'd have no cause to, would he, Mother?" Walt smiled at Rose who agreed with a nod.

Walt turned to Willis and asked, "Well . . . what do you think of my spaceship?"

Willis paused for an incredulous moment before he dared to reply. The asshole couldn't think he was actually in a spaceship, could he? If he did, he was all the way nuts.

"It's just a sauna," Willis sighed in an irritated way.

Rose gasped with shock and put a hand to her mouth.

Walt's face reddened with rage. He took in a deep intake of breath, repeating that rapidly to calm his anger down. He looked absolutely stunned by what Willis had just said. His eyes widened with indignation.

"Well, yeah . . . it is a fucking sauna, asshole . . . but it's much more than that. I'll have you know this is an exact replica of the room the aliens had me imprisoned in," Walt implored in an indignant tone of voice. "You see the massage table over there?"

Both agents glanced at the massage table then looked back at Walt.

"Don't tell me . . . it's Doc McCoy's surgical table," Merlot said with a chuckle.

Walt faltered, giving Merlot a condescending look before continuing, "No . . . it's just a massage table, little lady. These gorgeous female aliens massaged my entire body, and when I mean entire, I mean down there." He pointed to his genitals floating free in the hot tub. "And it was done on a table just like that. Not two or three female aliens, but a whole horde of them, and all at once. Their touch sent shivers down my spine. And they did strange things to me which I cannot go into detail about." Walt indicated with his eyes that Rose would be upset if he went into detail. "I lie awake at night thinking what they did to me."

"Still looks like a sauna to me," Willis insisted, knowing the lunatic might flip any moment now.

"You FBI got no imagination. I tell you they were Swedish-looking aliens, and they modeled the rooms of their spaceship from an IKEA catalog." Walt looked serious.

Merlot, trying desperately not to laugh, asked "Why do you think they were Swedish aliens, Mister Flucker?"

Walt groaned out loud, "I didn't say they was Swedish, just Swedish-looking . . . but FYI, their planet is called Abba, and they played Abba real loud all the time . . . their favorite tune was Super Trouper."

Merlot exploded with a fit of the giggles.

Rose could plainly see the rage on her husband's face. She tried to defuse the situation.

"Care for some sushi?" She smiled sweetly. "It's what the aliens gave Walt to eat. They told him he would remain healthy, and . . . you know . . . ready for you-know-what if he ate it all the time." She giggled like a schoolgirl on her first date. "My love bunny eats nothing else now."

Willis stared in disbelief at Walt for several moments. Didn't the asshole know that sushi was a Japanese meal? He knew the best thing to do was to leave without getting in too deep with Walt Flucker concerning his alleged alien abduction. However, he couldn't resist one more jab at the crazy coot.

Willis said, "I read your statement on your abduction. You say that you saw the real Elvis Presley on board the spaceship and that he had been replaced on earth by a clone."

Walt glared at Willis, with a mean look in his eye and shouted, "I know what you're doing-you're trying to piss me off, asshole."

Merlot gave her partner a discreet tap on the arm. "Enough said, Willis. Let's move on."

Willis didn't make any attempt to leave the room. He had upset Walt and it felt good. He gave Walt a thin smile.

But the smile soon left Willis' face when Walt stood up in the hot tub to reveal an extremely hairy body—so hairy it covered his goods. That's what was different about Walt!

Merlot looked away, holding her mouth as if to puke, "Hairy guys are so icky . . . that's so gross."

Walt started to chuckle at Willis' and Merlot's unease, "Before I was abducted, I barely had a hair on my body . . . now look at me . . . I think they're changing me into a Swedish Sasquatch."

Willis wrinkled his nose in disgust and looked askance at his partner who had started to snigger again. "I am surrounded by idiots."

Merlot continued to snigger. "I'm beginning to so love this town."

Willis didn't say another word. He turned and left the spaceship to the Fluckers.

Merlot faltered instead of hurrying after her partner, exclaiming, "Hey, I was having fun." Before she left the spaceship, she turned and snapped Walt in all his glory with her phone.

WILLIS SAT BEHIND the wheel of their car, waiting for Merlot with clenched fists.

Merlot hopped into the passenger seat, fiddling with her phone.

Willis looked at the cell phone and up at Merlot's concentrating face, "What the hell you sending now?"

Willis leaned over to get a better look, but his partner covered the cell phone with her hand.

Merlot gave Willis a cheeky look and shrugged, "Couldn't help it . . . sorry." She put her cell phone in her jacket pocket and turned to Willis, "You know something . . . if I was Beau, I would have run away a long time ago with parents as nuts as that."

Willis gave a weary sigh and nodded his head in agreement.

"Where to now, Massah?" she said in a
Roots
voice.

"What have I said about that slave shit?" Willis started the engine and drove off down Mill Road and back to the sheriff's department.

IN A DARK ROOM, a large flat screen TV displayed Debbie's camcorder disc. The antics of the teenagers were there for all to see.

"Freeze that!" Willis ordered. "No, not that frame. Scan back." He shouted excitedly, "That's it!" He got up from his chair and walked up to the flat screen, pointing to a blurred image in the dark woods. "Zoom in on that." He hoped it was Duane dressed as a Bigfoot.

Deputy Dwight clicked the mouse of the laptop and squared off the area Willis had pointed at.

The image, although more blurred than ever, showed a furry shape lurking behind the offending tree.

Willis stepped back to get a better look, "Hello, Duane-o." He turned with a triumphant gleam in his eye.

Sheriff Lou shook her head with dismay, "You cannot expect me to believe that's Duane." She gave Willis a look of disdain. "That could be anything."

Merlot chuckled, "Yeah, Bigfoot."

Sheriff Lou got up and switched on the lights. She nodded to Dwight to stop the film.

She opened a door to a side interrogation room and beckoned, "Okay, you three, come on in."

Sheriff Lou, the two FBI agents, Beau's friends and Deputy Dwight-who was also there to take notes, sat around a circular table with the closed laptop on it and several mugs of stale coffee, and a plateful of stale doughnuts.

Debbie was adamant to Willis. "It's just like we told the sheriff. Beau went to . . . you know, take a pee behind a tree, and that was the last we saw of him."

Willis said in his regulation, matter-of -fact voice, "Look, Debbie, we've seen the evidence. Underage drinking and smoking joints is against the law."

Chad nervously giggled. "We'd never do anything like that, Agent Johnson . . . honest."

"Better put us on the top ten most wanted list," Naomi said with a snigger.

Willis regarded Chad with a cold, disparaging look. "Giggle all you like, but if all of you are involved in this charade, be warned, the FBI does not take kindly to having their precious time wasted."

Chad looked desperately to Sheriff Lou. He shook his head.

"Sheriff, I'm telling the truth. Beau's not fooling around this time."

LOU DIDN'T ANSWER Chad's comment. Her full attention was focused on Willis. She leaned forward to put her elbows on the table and rest her chin in her hands. Her thoughts were elsewhere, in another time, long, long, ago, when things had been so perfect between her and Willis.

Ever since she first saw Willis win the pennant for their high school football team, she knew he was the one. She remembered at the tender age of fifteen plucking up the courage to dance with him at the school celebration party. He dared to kiss her. She was in love. For the next two years she and Willis dated in secret as her father was the sheriff at the time and had a penchant for scaring away her boyfriends. Only Duane knew what was going on between them.

During their last summer break, she, Willis and Duane spent a night camping out in the woods. Whether it was the moonlight or sharing a tent together which sparked things off between them, she suspected the latter, but they ended up cuddling and kissing while Duane conveniently went off into the woods to see if he could spot a Bigfoot. And the inevitable almost happened. With a sigh of regret, Lou recalled frantically fumbling with Willis' jeans, but then something curious happened.

Strange animal howling echoed around the forest-howling that was now familiar. Lou was frightened and re-buttoned her blouse. Willis became alerted to the sound of heavy feet crunching through the undergrowth. They both scrambled from the tent to see what it was, but there was nothing to be seen, not even Duane. That was it, her chance with Willis had come and gone for he left town soon after.

Lou often wondered what would have happened if they'd have done it and she'd gotten pregnant, and how their lives would have changed. She would never have become sheriff and Willis would never have left Big Beaver and joined the FBI. Willis would have done the right thing and they would have gotten hitched.

She sighed inwardly at the thought of the domestic bliss she might have had then quickly brushed it aside. Her life had taken a different direction. She was the town sheriff. She wouldn't change her life for anything, not even for him. Or would she?

But here he was after all this time. She wondered if he still had feelings for her.

"You know what happened to the boy who cried wolf?" Willis warned in his stern voice.

Chad turned away from ogling Merlot's body. He was adamant, "So what? I'm telling you . . . Bigfoot or some nut job has taken Beau this time."

Merlot replied with a smirk, "I thought you told the sheriff you didn't know who or what had taken Beau?"

Chad sounded exasperated. "We can change our minds … can't we?"

Willis raised his eyebrows. "Don't you kids realize how serious this is?"

"How serious can Bigfoot taking Beau get?" Naomi asked Merlot.

Willis asked the big one, "Is Duane in on this?"

Chad shook his head no, emphatically, "No way, man."

Throughout the questioning, Lou had allowed her thoughts to wander but she'd been aware of what had been said. She knew they would get nothing more out of Beau's friends.

She gave an exasperated shake of her head, "That's it . . . you can all leave now."

The teenagers were slow to make a move.

"Out!" Lou shouted with a finger pointed to the door.

The teenagers exchanged glances, shrugged their shoulders, got up and without another word leisurely left the room.

Willis nodded to Merlot, "Come on . . . time to pay a visit to an old friend."