“I don’t know. I think you need some time to yourself. I’ll order the food. That is, if you’re still up to eating.”
“Okay,” she said, somewhat disappointed.
After undressing, she eased into the bath water. It felt so good. She laid her head back and thought about Kevin. She couldn’t believe that he was so nice to her. She felt so much older than she was.
Life is so confusing
, she thought. Kevin was different compared to Josh. After Joy had fallen for Josh, he completely changed on her. And she put up with all his shit for it to end like this. Her mind was telling her she should be cautious because she had been fooled once. But she just wanted to ignore this warning. She liked Kevin and wanted to see where things would go with them. She just hoped things would be different. Laying her head back, she closed her eyes and remembered the time when Josh first showed his true colors.
Chapter Six
It was almost the end of their freshman year, and Josh and Joy were always together. They went to the movies a few times, but they mainly just chilled at Joey’s, Josh’s cousin, apartment. Well, it was really his girlfriend’s apartment, but while she was at work they chilled there, usually after school.
While Joy was getting ready for school one morning, Josh called her and asked her to meet him at his cousin’s apartment before school. When she asked him why, he wouldn’t say. He rushed her off the phone and said that it was really important. Joy didn’t really want to miss school, but decided to go because she cared more about disappointing Josh than anything else.
She arrived at Joey’s apartment 45 minutes later. She knocked on the door and waited until Josh let her in. After opening the door, he stepped back. Joy noticed Josh had a blunt hanging from his lips. He closed the door behind them and guided her to one of the bedrooms. Joy, somewhat speechless, just allowed herself to be led.
“I didn’t know you smoke,” she said, sitting down on the bed.
“Yeah, I just haven’t done it around you before because you be acting so uptight. You wanna hit?” he said, blowing smoke in her face.
“Why are you acting like this?” she asked, turning her face away from him.
“See, that’s what I mean about you,” he said, reaching over her to place what was left of the blunt in the ashtray by the bed.
“What does that mean? I didn’t know you smoke was all I said.” She rose from the bed, upset at the way he was talking to her.
“Shut da fuck up,” he snapped, grabbing her by the throat and pushing her back on the bed.
Joy grabbed his arms and tried to remove them from her neck. Josh didn’t let go, but he did release some of the pressure he applied. He began to kiss her, and Joy could smell the alcohol on his breath. She tried to turn her face but he held her there. She started crying, but that only turned Josh on even more. He moved a hand up her shirt and grabbed one of her breasts. He then pulled her bra down so that he could get a better feel. His other hand slipped down and then both were moving all over her.
“Josh, stop!” Joy screamed.
“I waited long enough, don’t ya think?” he said, unbuckling her jeans and sliding his hand in her panties.
“I don’t want my first time to be like this, Josh,
please
,” she begged.
“Do you love me?” he asked her, removing both hands and looking into her eyes.
“Yes,” she answered, crying harder.
Joy knew she was going to do whatever he said. She didn’t want to lose him. She felt like she had nobody, and she loved Josh with all her heart. Josh didn’t want her to talk to even the few friends she had because he said they were all smuts and he didn’t want people to think his girl was a smut too. She didn’t care, because he had called her ‘his girl’. She imagined her first time would be special, and she did want to share that with him, but she wasn’t ready now, not this way.
“Joy, did you hear me?” Josh asked, snapping her out of her thoughts.
“No,” she said.
“I said that you been teasing me for months, only letting me kiss you and touch you. If you love me, you would want to please me like I want you to. If not, I’ll have to find someone willing to,” he said seriously.
“Josh, I do want you, but can you be more gentle?” she implored, deciding that he was right. She
did
love him, so she
should
do what he said. She laid back on the bed as he undressed her. He started out gentle, but once he reached her underwear he ripped them off. He then began to kiss her roughly and stick his fingers inside of her. She felt a burning sensation and tried to back up, but he placed his weight on her.
“Ouch, Josh,” she screamed out.
He ignored her, placing another finger inside her. She laid her head back and cried, hoping he would just do it and get it over with. Josh didn’t seem to care that she wasn’t enjoying herself. Joy could feel his dick against her leg, and it felt big. She was scared to look at it. She knew that if his fingers hurt at first then she that thing would definitely do some damage.
When she was wet enough, he put his dick in her and the worst pain Joy had ever felt in her life shot through her body. She begged Josh to stop. She started smacking him and scratching him, trying to get him off her. That made him more excited, and he started hitting it harder and grunting loudly. Somebody started knocking on the door but Josh didn’t stop. Not even when the door opened and Joey walked in.
“Josh, man, she’s crying and screaming. Maybe you should stop. I don’t want the neighbors telling my girl about the noises they heard and shit,” Joey said, trying not to look in their direction.
“Aight. Get da fuck out and close the door,” Josh yelled. “Shut your fucking mouth, bitch,” he then yelled at Joy.
She grew still real fast, terrified of the look on Josh’s face. Joey left, closing the door like Josh said. Joy felt like her insides were on fire. She closed her eyes and wondered when the pain would end. Everybody else seemed to enjoy sex. On TV, in the books she read, and the girls in the bathroom at school, that’s all they talked about. “Getting some dick.”
Fifteen minutes later, which felt like an eternity to Joy, Josh pulled out and came on her stomach. He laid his weight on her as he tried to catch his breath. He then slowly rolled off of her and laid on the other side. Joy tried to move her legs but they were stiff from being stretched apart so long. When she looked down she saw blood on the sheets. She looked over at Josh, laying there with his eyes closed. She grabbed her clothes, which Josh had thrown across the floor, and put everything on except her torn panties, which she left there.
She opened the door and went into the bathroom. She turned on the hot water and let it run for a little bit. Grabbing the roll of tissue, she wrapped what looked like half the roll around her hand. She then lifted the toilet seat up and sat down, gently wiping herself before dropping the tissue into the toilet and flushing. While fixing her clothes back, she looked in the mirror. Her eyes were swollen and red. They hurt, and now they were dry. She then noticed bruises on her neck. She closed her eyes and breathed deeply.
Slowly, she opened the bathroom door and saw Josh standing in the living room, talking to Joey. She couldn’t really make out what they were saying, but Joey had something in his hands. Joy squinted to see what it was. Her panties. He put them to his face, smelled them then smiled, before giving them back to Josh. Josh smelled them and then put them in his pocket. Joy walked down the hall towards them. When Josh saw her, he smiled and kissed her on the cheek. She just wanted to get out of there.
“You ready to go?” he asked, opening the door.
Joy nodded her head and walked out the door. Josh put his arm around her as they walked to the elevator. She moved away from him, causing his arm to fall. He stopped walking and grabbed her arm, pulling her and slamming her against the wall.
“What’s wrong with you? You should be happy. Just about every girl in school wants to be with me and will do anything I say. Do you have a problem?” His face was so close to Joy’s that she could feel his spit spray across her skin. Before she could say anything, he pushed her down to the floor and stepped in the elevator that had just opened. A man and a woman already inside the elevator just stared down at Joy. She remained sitting on the floor, not bothering to get up. Josh pushed the button and the door closed, leaving her there. She forced herself off the floor and pushed the down button. When the elevator finally came, she stepped into it, grateful it was empty. She let the tears fall freely down her face. As she watched the numbers count down, she replayed everything that had happened over in her mind, trying to find some explanation for the sudden change in Josh. Had
she
done something to him to make him treat her like that?
Once outside the building, she looked left then right, to see if she could spot Josh. He was nowhere to be found. She started in the direction of her house, which was only ten blocks away. Her cell phone rang the whole way there. She stopped looking at it after twenty calls. She didn’t want to talk to him right now. And from the way he had acted, it seemed that he didn’t want to talk to her, either. So, why was he blowing up her phone? Joy wondered. She didn’t turn it off, however; she wanted Josh to know she ignored him every time. When she reached her room, she couldn’t even remember how long it had taken her to get there, but it seemed to have taken longer than it should have. She ran into the bathroom and turned the shower on as hot as she could stand, then got in. She just leaned up against the shower door and watched the water go down the drain, and cried.
Chapter Seven
The next day, when Joy woke up, her entire body was sore. Her toes even felt like they hurt. She didn’t want to move but she wanted to go to school. She climbed in the shower. Even though she had taken a shower the night before, she still felt dirty. After she got out, she hurried to get dressed. She stuck her head out the door to see if she could hear her parents’ usual morning argument. All was quiet, so she went to their room and knocked on the door. When she didn’t hear anything, she opened the door a crack.
Her mother was in bed with the blanket pulled all the way up to her chin. Joy watched for a moment to make sure her mother was sound asleep. Satisfied that she was, Joy walked over to her parents’ bathroom, where she opened the medicine cabinet and was confronted with many different bottles of pills. Most of them were over-the-counter pain medications, such as Tylenol and Advil. Her mother constantly took different medications because she was worried that someone was trying to poison her, and believed that she suffered one illness after the other. Week after week she would freak out about having some illness, all except the one she truly did have, which was clearly a mental disorder. On a shelf by itself stood an unlabeled bottle. Joy knew that it was Diazepam, which was a generic Valium. Her mother always dragged her along when she copped from the old lady down the street. Everybody knew that the old lady sold all her medication every month so that she could pay her bills. She sold it all, even her blood pressure meds.
Opening the bottle, she took a pill out and cupped her hand under the faucet, filling up her hand with water. Once she had swallowed the pill and made sure nothing was out of place, she rushed out of the bathroom, closing the door behind her. She then ran to her room, grabbed her bag and left for school.
When she arrived at homeroom, Josh’s seat was empty. She sat down and looked around the room to see if he had changed his seat. But he didn’t show up, and a part of Joy wondered if he was okay. After homeroom, she walked out into the hall—very slowly, because she was still in a lot of pain. She also felt very groggy because of the pill she’d taken. Not really feeling up to class, she decided to just go to her locker, get her stuff and go home.
As she got closer, she noticed a guy and a girl leaning up against her locker, kissing. She blew her breath, hating on their open display of affection.
“Get da fuck off my locker with that shit,” she yelled.
The couple took their time breaking the kiss. Joy barely glanced at them, until she heard the guy say, “I’ll call you later.”
“Josh, how could you do this? And on my locker,” Joy screamed, tears burning her cheeks.