“That’s Barlow’s car,” she breathed as Kenny stopped by the driver’s side.
“Turn your head to the left. I don’t want them to see your face.”
She shivered from his touch. The light ended a few feet behind them, casting their shadows on the icy pavement.
Thankfully, he didn’t kiss her neck, but the nuzzling didn’t dull the increasing, insistent throb in her body. How much longer could she ignore it without going supernova?
“Conversation looks heated. I wish we could get closer.”
A rustling sound near a garbage can made Meredith cringe. God, she hoped there weren’t rats in this alley. If one ran over her foot, it would be hard not to scream. Better to close her eyes. Unfortunately, that only enhanced her other senses. Tanner’s cedar and musk aftershave tickled her nose. His touch was protective and arousing at the same time.
“Kenny is headed back inside. He looks pretty upset.” He dragged her further into the alley. “Barlow is speeding off.” He stopped touching her and rested his forearms against the brick on either side of her.
She hunched her shoulders as a gale blew a mist of snow off the roof and into her face. “Do you think this is proof of Barlow’s involvement?”
“I doubt they were arguing about his last oil change.”
Her teeth chattered.
He stared at her, shifting from business to personal in a second. “I didn’t give you enough time to put your scarf on.” He wiped away the moisture on her cheek with a gentle hand.
He hadn’t pulled his gloves on either. The friction of his fingers against her bare skin made her want to purr. He tugged the scarf around her neck twice and played with the ends. When he looked into her eyes, his face shadowed in the darkness, she knew she was in trouble.
His tenderness eroded all the walls she’d erected.
“That’s better. We should go now.”
He stared at her a moment longer, his gaze dipping to her mouth. She licked her dry lips, willing him to take the decision away from her again and simply kiss her like he had before. When she stayed still, her gaze arrested on his face, he ran his hand down her back, pressing her closer. She jumped when someone slammed the pub’s front door, the crack echoing through the alley. Tanner stepped back.
Coward!
For once, Meredith agreed.
He took her hand and led her to the car. Though it wasn’t unusual for him to open the door for her, the gesture put her more off balance.
How was she supposed to stop from giving into his exclusive-or-else ultimatum when he treated her like this? If she gave in, would she have the story she’d come to Dare to write? Would he be her hero in Nora Roberts Land?
Could she even admit he was The One, given all that it would mean?
Just thinking about it made her experience the first symptoms of a panic attack. She took deep breaths to calm herself. When he rubbed her hand, she leaned against the window, off center.
She
could
fall in love with him…She knew that. Maybe she’d always known it.
“Let’s get you warmed up.” He turned on the car and cranked up the heat. He checked his phone, which he always kept on silent when they were on a “date.” Listening to a message, he pulled out of the parking space with one hand. She jumped again when he swore viciously.
“I need to drop you off,” he uttered in the flattest tone she’d ever heard. He punched up the speed.
She gripped her seat belt. “What’s the matter?”
“My source is in trouble. I need to go.”
He took a hard right turn, and the tires shimmied on the ice.
Her internal temperature dropped twenty degrees. “Let me go with you.”
“No, I won’t put you at risk. Plus, I need you to get help if I don’t come back.”
He ran a stop sign, making her heart throttle like the engine. “What are you talking about? Let me go with you.”
He screeched to a halt in front of Jill’s house. The locks clicked open. “No. Now, get out of the car. We’re wasting time. I’ll call you later.”
When she didn’t move, he reached across her and flung the door open. “Please, Meredith.”
“Dammit, Tanner!” she exclaimed, seeing his clenched jaw. He wasn’t going to back down on this one.
“Be careful. And you damn well better call me. If I don’t hear from you in a couple of hours, I’m calling the police.”
“Don’t bother. I don’t think we can trust them now. Get inside and lock the doors.”
When she hesitated, he kissed her firmly on the mouth. “Move!”
The minute she slid out the car, he yanked the door shut and sped off.
She walked slowly to the front door. Dammit. Why did he have to be a hero? He was racing after his source to do what? Protect him? The guy was a drug dealer.
Her mind clicked like the locks when she threw the deadbolt.
He
was
a hero. A no-frills, rough-and-tumble hero…just like in Nora’s books. Who else would work as an embedded journalist in Afghanistan and Iraq? Not some milquetoast person, that’s for sure. She hadn’t really seen it until now.
She sat down on the couch, shaking, not bothering to take her coat off.
Fully realizing that the time ticked by slower in a crisis, she looked at the phone anyway, and then pulled Jill’s afghan over her for her long vigil.
She cared what happened to him. What a time to admit it. She prayed she’d be able to tell him.
After tonight, she didn’t plan on being anything but exclusive with him—even if it meant learning how to give someone everything she was again.
Chapter 28
R
ay’s car was gone, and all the lights were off in his apartment. He tried Ray’s cell again, cursing himself. He should have followed Barlow. His gut had told him the heated argument between Kenny and Barlow had something to do with Ray, but he hadn’t pursued it. Hindsight was a bitch.
He listened to the voicemail again. “Professor McBride, I’m sorry to call, but you said I could if I was in trouble. And fuck, man, I think I am.” He spoke so fast he didn’t take a breath. “I just left the garage after talking to Kenny. I didn’t want to meet him, but he told me that if I didn’t, he’d come to my place. He kept pushing and pushing me about my numbers, so I told him I couldn’t do it anymore.”
The kid panted on the line. “He got all quiet like. Freaked me out. Then he asked for the drugs back, especially the ones from the party. I told him I didn’t have them. He shoved me against the wall and got all crazy, yelling that I’d better bring them. I’m scared, man. I told him I flushed them, but I don’t think he believes me. He told me I’d better keep my mouth shut. When I got home from class, my room was a mess. Someone had been in here! My whole stash is gone besides the stuff I gave you.” He sniffed. “I’m freaking out, man. Call me!”
Tanner hit the off button and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Jesus. This was bad. Here he was back in the U.S. with a security situation, and he wasn’t even sure he could call the police.
He pulled into a parking place in front of Ray’s, praying the kid would come back. Over an hour later his phone rang. He jumped a foot. It was Ray’s number, he realized, his heart stopping. Thank God. He clicked on.
“Stay out of our way,” the muffled voice said. “This is your only warning.”
Tanner threw the phone aside when it went dead. Pounding the steering wheel wasn’t enough of an outlet for his rage. He got out of the car and pounded the hood until he cracked his skin. Fuck. Shit. Damn.
When he got back in the car, he called Meredith. “I didn’t find him,” he said gruffly. “I’m heading home.”
“Do you think he’s all right?”
“Let’s hope so.” He knew he was lying. He couldn’t bear to tell her about the warning call now. He’d failed to protect another source. A fucking twenty-year-old kid. He’d tell her tomorrow.
He didn’t want to, but he couldn’t risk her safety.
“Why don’t you come over here? I’ll make you some coffee.”
Her invitation made him grip the steering wheel. “No thanks,” he managed to say over the roaring in his ears. “I need to get some sleep.” The lie flowed smoothly off his lips. “I’ll see you at the pool tomorrow.”
He clicked off before she could say more. When he drove past the road to her house, he turned the corner. The front light was still on.
Part of him wanted to make sure she was safe. The other part wanted to accept her invitation. He could give a flying fuck about coffee. He wanted to wrap his arms around her. He wanted to take comfort in her.
He parked the car and sat in the silence for a moment, fighting the urge to go in. When the house finally went dark, he pulled away. He could not allow himself to need her.
He was only going to lose her in the long run anyway. No reason to add to his growing list of sins. She deserved better.
She deserved someone who hadn’t been sent to crush her to pieces by her ex-husband.
Someone who could protect a scared college kid.
Someone other than him.
Chapter 29
M
eredith arrived at the pool at their usual time only to find Tanner already slicing through the water like he was chasing Olympic gold. He didn’t pause when she jumped in after pulling on her swim cap and goggles. He made his turn and kicked off, water frothing at his ankles.
Her stomach quivered. Did he know anything more about his source? She pushed off the wall and searched for the peace swimming always brought her. She didn’t race him today. Challenging him didn’t seem like a good idea. He was fighting his own demons. Well, so was she.
Somehow, he’d snuck under her armor.
She liked him.
She respected him.
She wanted him.
And she was so scared of everything he churned up in her.
Her hands cupped the water, her legs frog-kicking. She hated to see him hurting, and she knew beyond a doubt he was hurting this morning.
She wanted to comfort him.
She turned at the wall and pushed off. An hour later, she swam down the lane and saw Tanner’s body from the waist down. So, he was finally stopping. And without a cool down. She halted when she reached him, surfacing too. Pulling off her goggles, she studied his tense face. He stretched his hamstrings, breathing hard, his muscles corded with tension.
“Any word?”
His dripping jaw ticked. “No.”
She took a deep breath to calm her heart rate. “Let’s get some coffee.” Then she’d tell him about her decision.
After pulling herself out of the pool, she held out a hand to him. He didn’t take it.
“I don’t want to take you down.”
The words seemed to hold greater meaning. She headed to the locker room with them reverberating in her mind. She showered quickly and dressed in the blue sweater and gray skirt she’d brought, not putting it past him to leave. He didn’t want company right now.
When she emerged from the locker room, he was waiting for her in his standard black fleece, jeans, and boots, fingering his phone. “I got a warning last night,” he said without looking up at her. “From my source’s phone. Someone told me to back off. I don’t think we should go for coffee.”
“But I decided…” Her hands clutched her bag, and she inhaled jaggedly. “We’ll be quick, and then we can talk at your house.” She moved toward the exit.
He grabbed her arm. “Didn’t you hear me? It’s too dangerous for us to be together right now.”
Shrugging free, she decided to joke. “You don’t break up with a girl—even if it’s pretend—when her hair’s wet.”
His quick steps behind her eased at least one knot in her stomach. He opened the door for her and followed her out, scanning the parking lot. When they reached their cars, he drilled her with those intense dark eyes.
“We need to talk about this, Meredith.”
“I know. Coffee first.”
Opening her car door, she turned the key with a shaking hand. He was not getting rid of her. She didn’t care about the warning. They were in this together.
Congratulations, you’ve finally admitted you don’t want to stop seeing him.
She hit the gas, cranked up the radio, and didn’t respond. When she arrived in the downtown area, she parked and waited for Tanner. He approached her like a boxer preparing for a fight, and she took his hand.
He immediately froze. “What are you doing?”
She gripped it when he tried to shrug free. “Holding your hand.”
The wind ruffled his hair. “Why? You never do that.”
“Because that’s what people going steady do.”
“We’re pretending.”
Without answering, she tugged him after her. He followed since he was too nice to dislocate her shoulder. Don’t Soy with Me was quiet for a Monday. Seconds after they walked in, Jill raced across the room, tears running down her face.
Meredith dropped Tanner’s hand. “What’s the matter?”
Her sister practically leapt into her arms. “Larry Barlow was just here. There was an accident.” She pulled back and sniffed. “Another college student. He lost control of his car in Sardine Canyon and went over the side. Died on impact.”
Tanner swore under his breath.
Jill wrung her hands, her black fingernails glittering in the morning light. “I knew him.”
The hair on Meredith’s arms stood up straight. Tanner closed his eyes, the skin stretching tight over his cheekbones. His pain radiated out like a homing beacon.
“That’s horrible,” she managed to say over her dry throat. “His poor family. Is he from here?”
“No, he’s from the Northwest. Tanner, I think he was a student of yours. He told me how much he liked your class when he came in for coffee.”
His whole body jerked as if pulled by a string. “What was his name?”
Meredith could tell that he already had the answer—and how much it cost him to ask.
“Ray Pollack. He was into some stuff, but he was a good kid. Smart. You know? I just can’t believe it!” She pressed her hands to her face. “We haven’t had this much tragedy since those winter campers were killed in the avalanche in Killer Pass four years ago. Remember, Mere?”
“I’ve heard about Killer Pass. Thought about hiking it,” Tanner commented with utter detachment. “I need to go. I forgot to let the dog out this morning. You’ll have to have your coffee without me, Meredith. See you later, Jill.” He turned and strode out, his back rigid.