"You insist on making me out to be this cold-hearted bitch."
"How would you feel if the situation were reversed? If I were to pick apart your past and determine your worth in a completely rational manner with no thought whatsoever to your feelings?"
"You're not seeing it from my position, Travis. You want me to spend the rest of my life with you. To raise children with you. Isn't now the right time to be pragmatic? You're an alcoholic." She ticked each item off on her fingers. "You have a terrible temper. And you're completely blind to the faults of your brother, a man I consider to be very dangerous. Not to mention that your ex-wife is living with you, and a baby soon to come. Plus, how much could you possibly be making from the garage? How are you going to support a family on your income?"
"Keep going, Arden, I think there's a little piece of my heart that you haven't stomped on yet."
"This isn't about your heart. It's about my life. You're the one who let your heart get involved. You're the one who keeps pushing me to say these things. I think you're a wonderful man who deserves to be happy. I just don't think I could commit to being with you in such unstable surroundings." Her cheeks were burning and she willed her nerves to cool back down.
Shannon had collected plates and was now tugging on Russell's arm. Russell stared at the space in front of him looking thoroughly depressed.
"Let's give them some privacy," Shannon said. She tugged on Russell's arm again and this time he got up and left with her.
Once they were gone, Arden and Travis stared at the spaces in front of them. "I'm sorry, Travis," Arden said. Her voice was numb and monotone. "I shouldn't have said all of that."
"Why?" he asked, sounding bitter and sad. "It's true, isn't it? It's what you're thinking, right?"
Arden shook her head. Yeah, maybe it was true. But Travis was a good man with strong character. He'd overcome much and was likely to overcome more. Maybe that should be enough for her. Love and proof of character. Maybe she should focus on that instead of the dreadful facts of his life and family surrounding him. "Why do you want me?" she asked.
"I guess if we're judging by your standards--because you're rich, you've lived a sinless life and your parents are good solid citizens."
She looked at him then. He was slumped down in his chair, his eyes glazed over. "Please don't be mean to me, Travis."
Slowly he nodded. "I'm sorry. I feel like shit right now."
"I know," Arden said. "That's why I want to know why you want me. Because I make you feel like shit."
He laughed, then. Then he took a deep breath, exhaled slowly and looked away. "There's no 'why' to love. When we were snowed in together, you were so sweet to me. You listened to me. You took care of me. It got me to imagining what it would be like being married to you. I could picture you pregnant with my baby, a toddler on your hip and a smile on your face. I'd come home from work and you'd rush over to kiss me. We'd have dinner together and afterwards you'd wash dishes while I dried. We'd put the kids to bed and then I'd rub your feet and listen to you talk about your day. We'd take a hot bath together and then go to bed and make love. And it would be that kind of love making that just feels like coming home after being lost for ages." He stared into space, his shoulders slumped. His voice was monotone and quiet. "I'm a fucking idiot. I know that. I tell myself to not get my hopes up...to stop fantasizing about a future that might never happen. I just can't help it. I was fine before I met you, but now I'm so fucking lonely I want to die."
Arden's chest ached. It had been a completely unfamiliar feeling until Travis came along. It spread through her body so that even her skin hurt and she felt the only thing that could relieve the pain was his touch. As he spoke she felt tears sting her eyes. She watched his expression and the vulnerability displayed there. He was a good man. And he loved her.
She took in a shuddering breath. "What..." she started. Then she took another breath. "What would we do? I mean...hypothetically...what would happen if I said I wanted you?"
He looked at her, unbridled hope in his eyes. But thankfully he restrained himself. "Whatever you wanted, Arden. I guess you'd probably want to date for a while. Or we could just skip all that and get married. Or live together. Anything."
Arden nodded and stared down at the table. "I guess we could even just be friends for a while."
"Mm-hmm," Travis said, sounding slightly disappointed. "Or, even better, friends who sleep together sometimes."
She looked up and grinned at him then. "I love..." She slammed her mouth shut, her eyes going wide. What was she about to say? She felt terrible as she saw the hope and joy bloom on Travis's face.
"Arden?"
She shook her head. "I don't feel well. I'm going home."
He stood with her and followed her to the door. He put his hand on the doorknob preventing her leaving. "Arden?" he asked again, softly and looking into her eyes deeply. He started to reach for her.
"Don't touch me," she said. "I need to go home." She shoved his hand out of the way and ran out the door, to her car, driving home as fast as she could to get away from him.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
It was Sunday afternoon. Arden was still in her pajamas. She sat on her bed with her knees hugged to her chest watching TV. Well, the TV was on. Her thoughts were elsewhere.
"Since when did my life become so filled with drama?" she asked. Emma was on speakerphone. Her cell sat beside her on the bed.
"Since you met Travis. Everything was smooth sailing before that."
Arden agreed. Smooth sailing. She wanted it back. She found that she didn't care if Nick cheated, just as long as she didn't know about it. But the thought of Travis kissing anybody else or making love to anybody else just made her want to destroy things. With Nick, she wouldn't have any challenges. Life would be just as it always had been. People would take care of her and everything she needed would be laid at her feet. Life with Travis would surely involve not only physical work and cooperation, but also a mental and emotional sacrifice that she wasn't sure she was capable of making.
And yet yesterday had revealed something to her. She couldn't bring herself to think the words, let alone say them. It was too painful and all she wanted was to shed herself of these feelings and go back to the way things were. Sure, she'd be giving up passion and love and all those good things. But she wouldn't have to deal with the flip sides to those emotions. Anger and hate and fear. It was just better the way she had it planned. So she wouldn't think about Travis's inviting embrace or the overwhelmingly enticing prospect of kissing him, let alone making love with him. She would just not think about those things at all.
"You're right," she said to Emma. "Travis is the root cause of all of my problems. So the logical thing to do is to cut him out of the equation."
She heard Emma sigh in frustration.
"No, really. I'm not going to think about him anymore. I'm not going to see him or talk to him. I'll stay in my room, if I have to, until I'm completely past whatever this is that I feel for him."
"Okay, Arden. Lots of luck with that."
There was a knock on her bedroom door. "Gotta go," she said. She pushed the end call button. "Come in," she said.
Nick walked in looking stubbled and bloodshot. Arden wilted inside. She wasn't ready for this. Then again, she probably never would be.
"Arden, I've been trying to give you some space, but you don't answer my calls and I've been worried sick." He came and sat on the edge of her bed.
"Your lover attacked me from out of nowhere. Excuse me if I needed a little time to recover."
Nick closed his eyes. "Whatever she said, Arden, it ended a long time ago." He opened his eyes and took her hand.
"How long ago?" she asked softly.
Nick hesitated.
"Yeah, that's what I thought."
"I don't want to lose you," he said.
She ignored him. "So, I just want to clarify: at some point in time--last week, last month, last year--you did cheat on me?"
Nick hung his head. "It's complicated."
"Do you love her?"
He groaned and pressed his face into his hands.
"It's okay, Nick. It happens. You can be in love with two people at once. The important thing is that you don't screw around on the one you're engaged to."
Nick looked up at her, his eyes red-rimmed. "I'm so sorry, Arden. I was in love with her. I fell in love with her a couple of years ago, during our last breakup. I tried to break things off. I thought she and I could keep being friends."
Arden figured she would deal with any feelings she might have on this matter later. Now was a time for rational discussion. "If you loved her that much, why did you and I get back together?"
"Because we have a history, Arden. Our relationship is so solid. We're supposed to be together."
"Nothing to do with my trust fund, then?" she asked.
Nick turned red and his expression hardened. "I've got my own money, Arden. But even if I didn't, I resent that you think your money has anything to do with my feelings for you."
"I don't think marrying for money is necessarily a bad thing. So long as both parties are up front about it. To be honest, your money factored into my decision to marry you. It might still. You and I both bring something to this marriage, financially speaking, and I think relationships work better when two people are as equal as possible."
Nick gaped at her. "This is exactly why we broke up so many times. I keep thinking you'll have changed, but you never do. You're cold and calculating. Kissing you is like kissing a slab of granite."
Arden felt heat rise to her cheeks. "We broke up because it made no sense to try to keep our relationship together when so much distance separated us."
"That's right. You didn't believe in love...or at least, you didn't love me. You think relationships are completely founded on circumstances. It's sick, Arden. Ashley was warm. No. Ashley was hot. Is hot. She can't wait to tear off her clothes in front of me and jump me."
Arden pressed her hands to her ears. "I don't want to hear another word about that little whore!"
Nick stood and faced her. "You're a passionless woman, Arden. That's why I cheated on you. Maybe it will be better when we're married. But..."
"When we're married?" Arden asked. "It doesn't sound to me that you're too terribly interested in marrying me."
"I love you, Arden," he said. "I want to marry you. But you're going to have to make some changes."
Arden laughed. "I'm going to have to make changes? No. That is not how this works. I am who I am and if you don't like it then you can break off this engagement right now."
Nick started to speak again, but she interrupted him.
"I want to marry you, too, Nick. I'm sorry to sound so 'cold and calculating,' as though that's a bad thing, but the truth is, you and I are good together. Socially, financially, physically. We'll make beautiful babies. I don't require passion in order to be happy." If I did, I'd marry Travis, she thought. "But I do require fidelity. So if you want to go through with this relationship, you absolutely have to stop seeing Ashley. There will be no second chances. If I catch you again...we're through. Are we clear?"
It occurred to her that maybe she shouldn't be with a man who would allow her to talk to him this way. A man wasn't a man if he didn't put up a fight now and then. But then again, this was not an issue for her to waver on.
Apparently Nick saw that as well. His jaw muscles flexed while he swallowed her demands. "I have no intentions of ever cheating on you again," he said.
"Good," Arden said, thinking that the discussion was over and now he could leave.
"Now it's time to talk about your little betrayal," he said, raising a steely-eyed gaze to her.
Arden rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry I let him kiss me under the mistletoe, okay? I kissed Pastor Harris on the cheek a couple of weeks ago...do I need to apologize for that, too?"
Nick gripped the edges of the bed. The veins on his neck started showing. "You know good and well what I'm talking about. It's obvious to anyone with eyes that you like him. What I want to know is, how far have things gone."
"I find this insulting, Nick. I haven't lied to you."
"Oh?"
"Yes. Nothing has happened beyond that little nothing of a kiss Friday night. I haven't touched him or kissed him or anything. I've been completely faithful to you."
"Technically."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means thinking about it is cheating, too, Arden."
"You've got to be kidding. You're just trying to level the playing field. I think the fact that I've resisted my desires shows pretty strong moral fortitude."
"Ha!" Nick said, turning to face her. He pointed a finger at her. "You admit it. You do have feelings for him."
Arden huffed and looked up at the ceiling. "I can't believe you're trying to ease your own conscience by making me feel guilty for temporarily having the hots for a guy who rescued me in a snowstorm. Of course I'm going to have feelings for him. It's only natural. But I never acted on them and I don't intend to. And the feelings will pass like a bad hangover, so I don't know why I'm even sitting here defending myself."
Nick stared at her for a long few minutes. Slowly his expression softened. He reached out and took her hand. "You're right." He took a deep breath and nodded. "You're right. The feelings will pass. And what I've done is much worse than what I'm accusing you of. I'm sorry."
Arden sighed, too, and gave his hand a squeeze. "I understand if you feel jealous. I'd like to pummel the shit out of that Ashley."
Nick smiled. "I thought you already did."
Arden shook her head. "It wasn't good enough. I can give her a better beat down than that."
Nick looked at her kind of funny. "What's with this new violent streak, huh?"