Not Another Soldier (13 page)

“I couldn’t be the same guy I was. You know Liberty
didn’t want anything to do with me after my leg was mangled.”

I fight down the rising jealousy and try to keep my
expression neutral. “She should never have left you at such a time.”

Nick shrugs. “She wasn’t that important to me. I’d
never been serious about her, but I realized how much time I’d wasted on
pointless relationships. And with the limp, women saw me differently. Even the
ones I’d known before the shooting. Except you. You always treated me the same.
I never felt pitied and you never hero worshipped me. I was still just Nick.”

“You are a hero,” I say softly.

“No.” His Adam’s apple bobs as he swallows. “No, the
guys who died were heroes.”

I don’t argue the point. I know he did all he could to
save those guys, still fighting on even as shrapnel tore through his leg. He
was lucky he didn’t lose his leg. But he’s too modest to ever see himself that
way.

“I always thought you were beautiful,” he continues.
“Always regretted not asking you out first, but once Rob went away, everything
changed. You’re so caring, in spite of everything you’ve been through. And
you’re so strong. You were determined to stick it out with Rob to the bitter
end. Not many people fight like that these days.”

“You did,” I remind him. “They weren’t sure you were
even going to walk again and look, you’re still a soldier.”

“Yeah for all the good it’s done me. I’ll never fight
again. It’s all shuffling papers now.”

I chew my lips and continue to stroke his jaw. “I
didn’t know.”

“You’ve had your own problems, Sienna. Besides I’m
lucky to be alive, I can’t really complain.”

What must it be like, to have spent your entire career
training to do one thing and to no longer be able to do it? I can’t believe
what a good job he’s done, hiding his frustration. It just goes to show how
selfless he is. I laugh. And he thinks I’m caring!

“Why are you laughing?” His brows raise but there’s a
twinkle in his gaze, erasing my guilt for the totally inappropriate reaction.

“I was just thinking how ridiculous it is that you
think I’m caring, but you’ve always looked after me. You’re the caring one,
Nick.”

“Nah. You work so hard to look after people. You’re
like a light to me, short stuff. When I came back from Afghanistan, you seemed
so perfect. Never thinking of yourself, always striving to do what’s right.
It’s a shitty world and you had a shitty marriage and yet you were always so
nice and funny and kind.”

My cheeks are probably scarlet by now and I shake my
head. “Now who’s hero worshipping? I’ve got my issues, you know that better
than anyone.”

“I do. And I don’t care. I’m willing to do whatever it
takes to convince you, Sienna. You and me. This is it. The Real Deal.” I blow
out a slow breath and try to tug away but he hooks a hand under my neck and
holds me firm. “You’re not going anywhere, babe.”

“I don’t want to,” I confess. “But I can’t make any
promises. I want to but I’m still finding my feet here. I devoted five years to
my marriage and look where it got me. I’m just not sure I can give much right
now. I already take enough from you.”

“Take all you want. I don’t care.”

I smile softly. “I know. I’m not saying no to us. I
just can’t offer much right now.”

It’s ridiculous really, one minute I’m declaring I’ll
never get involved with a soldier again and here I am in Nick’s arms. I guess
I’m hoping just a little more time with him and we’ll both get over it. We’ll
realize it’s just attraction and chemistry, and it will be finished. But part
of me wonders if we’re not just heading for heartache. I mean it when I say
can’t offer much. I can’t get serious, not so soon after burying my husband and
I don’t want to be married to a soldier again. I’m not sure I even want to date
one. Nick seems to think he’ll never go to war, but what if that changes? And
what if he gets frustrated because he can’t? And takes it out on me? I shake my
head to myself. No, Nick would never be like Rob but that doesn’t mean things
would be easy. I’m just not sure I can handle the whole army life again anyway.
The moving, the losing friends and having to make new ones. All the bureaucratic
bullshit that comes along with it. Someone else always dictating your life.

“Hey.” He cups my jaw. “I’ll take what I can get,
Sienna, but just so you know, I will fight for us. I want there to be an ‘us’.
I’m not going to make it easy on you.”

Now why does that idea thrill me so much?

I fidget in his hold, the intensity suddenly too much.
“Come on, let’s get some food.”

I sense his reluctance as he releases me, but I
appreciate that he does let me go. He lays back, arms behind his head as he
watches me untangle myself from the sheets and walk to my closet to dig out my
dressing gown. Nick looks insanely sexy against my purple sheets, his blonde
hair tousled, chest completely on display for me. All those ripples practically
beg for me to lick my tongue along them.

Self-consciously I shrug into my fluffy robe. “You
coming?”

“I was just taking a moment to enjoy the view.” He
flashes me a grin.

I roll my eyes and try not to simper under his
attention. I can’t help it. Somehow he makes me feel so sensual and beautiful.
Throwing my chin up, I stride out and pray he can’t see my embarrassment.

By the time I start inspecting my fridge, he’s by my
side, sitting casually on a bar stool in only his jeans. He might have run his
fingers through his hair but he still looks like a guy who’s just had a very
good time. I grin as he watches me carefully.

“What?” he says, leaning back against the breakfast
bar.

“You look…” I can’t believe I’m going to say this,
“thoroughly fucked.”

He releases a sharp laugh at my coarse language. “Well
you look… thoroughly loved.” I snap my gaze back to the fridge as he stands and
comes to my side. “Your lips are rosy and puffy from my kisses. Your hair is
messy. You smell…” he wraps his hands around my waist and I feel the heat of
his palms even through the material of my robe as he presses his head into the
side of my neck and inhales, “like sex. Sinful and gorgeous.”

“Nick, behave,” I scold playfully.

“You don’t make it easy.” He draws back. “This,” he
skims a finger over my neck, “I don’t like. Does it hurt?”

“My neck?” I place a hand to it. God, I’d almost
forgotten all about it. “It’s tender.”

Releasing me, he sits down again. “I should have taken
you to the hospital not made love to you.”

Love? That word keeps coming up. I wish it wouldn’t.
Even as my stomach twists in excitement, it sends a shudder of fear through me.
Too much, too fast
, constantly plays through my mind.

“I’m okay, honestly. It will probably hurt more in the
morning.” I still keep my gaze on the contents of the fridge, though I’ve got
no idea what I’m looking at or what I’m going to cook.

“Fainting is not okay. Maybe we should still get you
checked over.”

“I didn’t faint because of what happened… well I did…
but, look, I was just real scared.” I release the fridge door and face him.

The concern in his expression saddens me. I always
secretly longed for Rob to show some kind of concern for me but he was so
indifferent throughout most of our marriage. Now I’ve got someone who genuinely
cares for me, I don’t know what to do with it. I gulp as I consider the fear I
felt earlier. Guilt, sharp and strong, strikes me in the heart, makes me feel
slightly nauseated. It must show on my face because he scowls.

“What’s going on, Sienna?”

Damn, am I that easy to read?

“Nothing… it’s just…” I’ve been longing to tell him
for so long. No one knows what Rob did to me, how much he terrified me. Even
Nick didn’t understand what had pushed me to finally think about leaving Rob.
But he’s been so honest with me. His words to me earlier about how he felt
about his job, his injury
—
they must have cost him. Nick is essentially the most
honest guy I’ve ever met but even he doesn’t want to be seen as weak. Talking
about his injury had to have been difficult. You see so many inspiring guys,
who strive on past their injuries… you can’t be the one guy who complains about
it.

I draw on my courage. If anyone deserves the truth,
it’s Nick. He needs to know everything, to understand why I’m so damaged.
Pressing my lips together, I shut the fridge and clasp my hands together.

“When that guy grabbed me, it brought back memories
I’d rather forget.” I sigh. “You know I was going to leave Rob?” He nods, brow
still furrowed. “He did something… and I knew I couldn’t stay anymore, that
there was no point in trying.”

His eyes darken and I see his muscles bunch. “What did
he do?” he asks tightly.

“He tried to strangle me,” I reply quietly as I stare
at my hands.

“Shit,” he whispers.

“I don’t know exactly what I did to trigger it. He was
drunk as usual. Maybe I argued back too much or whatever, but he wrapped his
hands around my neck and squeezed real hard.” I shake my head and crush my
hands tighter. “I thought I was going to die.”

I glance up to see him running his hands through his
hair. “Why didn’t you say something?”

“He was your friend. And I felt… like a failure. I’d
tried so hard and now I was giving up. Everyone says no one tries at marriage
anymore. I used to look at people who had divorced and wonder why they didn’t
work for it. I was ashamed. I didn’t want to admit I’d forced Rob over the
edge.”

I’m still staring at the floor when he stands and his
bare feet come into my vision. He tugs me into a fierce embrace, almost crushes
me against that powerful torso.

“You should have told me.” He presses my head against
his chest and the thump of his heart is loud and steady. I like listening to
it. “You should have told me, babe,” he repeats. “It was never your fault. Never,
understand?” He draws my face away from him and uses a finger to press my chin
up. The vehemence in his voice surprises me.

I nod, unable to come up with a response.

“I scared you, didn’t I?”

I’m tempted to lie but I want to be honest with him
and I think he can take it. Nick is the strongest man I know. “A little. I knew
you wouldn’t hurt me but it brought back the memories.”

“Damn it.”

I expect him to pull back but instead he skims his
lips across mine. His hands come up to cup either side of my head. It’s not a
gentle hold but I feel secure, safe.

“I know you shouldn’t speak ill of the dead but, fuck,
if Rob was alive…”

“I know.” Of course I do. Honorable, chivalrous Nick.
He never would have put up with it. Maybe that’s why I never told him. It wasn’t
up to Nick to save me from my marriage. Though he’s saved me countless times
since.

He drops his hands and drops a brief kiss to my
forehead. “Come on, let’s sort something out to eat. I am starving.”

I giggle as his tummy grumbles on cue, pleased the
mood has lightened, if only for a while. We’ve got a lot of things to address,
including the fact that I was nearly killed over a drug stash I know nothing
about.

***

Nick clears away the plates from the breakfast bar and
I observe. He has a flannel shirt on now but he looks no less gorgeous for it.
Slightly open at the neck, I have a good view of the tanned skin beneath. My
fingers tingle at the memory of touching it.

“Thanks for a great meal,” he says as he loads the
dishwasher.

“Hey, you did half of it.” I try not to smile at the
memory. Cooking with Nick was certainly an experience. He’s not the best of
chefs but I enjoyed it. I’ve never cooked with a man before and though he got
under my feet, we still created a mean steak and homemade fries with salad.

He eyes me under his brow as he finishes filling the
dishwasher. “I chopped some vegetables. Not exactly ‘cooking.’”

“Well I appreciated the help.”

“Liar.”

“Okay, I enjoyed you helping!” I hold up my hands.
“Even if you did get in the way a little and burn the steaks just a tad.”

He wipes his hand on a towel and saunters over to
stand in front of me. He towers over me, giving me time to trace the outline of
his muscles testing the seams of his shirt. My body pulses as a flutter of need
dances through me. I can’t believe I want him again already.

“Give me a barbeque over an oven any day.” His voice
is light but when I meet his gaze I see the same need reflected.

It’s getting dangerous. I need to get my head
straight. Figure out what’s going on with Nick and all the strange things that
have been happening to me. Lusting after him is not going to help. I stare at
the countertop.

“The guy who attacked me said he’d take pleasure in
killing me,” I say quietly.

Nick takes a step back and sinks onto the bar stool.
The whimsical mood has gone but there’s only so long I can revel in whatever
the hell this is between us. I’m forgetting about real life and I need the
distance.