Not Meant To Be Broken (10 page)

“Brian, nothing of it was your fault. You couldn't have done anything even if you'd been there. There were three of them.” My voice got stuck in my throat as the images of that day flashed up in my mind and I closed my eyes tightly in an attempt to banish them.

“Amber.” His pained voice drifted into my ears, and I opened my eyes and looked at him with a weak smile. “I’m okay,” I said.

“When you are with Zach, you seem so much more relaxed than with me. Why?”

I bit my lip uncertainly. “With you, I have the feeling that you're always watching me, waiting for me to freak out or break down, and it makes me feel scrutinized.”

“I never meant to put pressure on you, Amber. I'm just always so worried about you.”

“I know, but maybe you can pretend I’m a normal girl and not a broken porcelain doll,” I said softly, smiling hopefully.

“I'll do my best,” he promised.

“That's all I'm asking for.”

“About Zach—”

I held up my hand. “I know, you don’t want me to spend time with him. But I can’t help how I feel.” At the look on his face, I said, “I don’t even know if I’ll act on my feelings. I don’t even know what exactly they are. I don’t know if I even want to figure them out. I’m not exactly girlfriend material either.”

“Don’t say that.”

“We both know it’s true,” I said. “I know you worry and you want to protect me but I need to find my own path. Please don’t threaten Zach. It’s not his fault that I like him. He probably doesn’t even feel the same way, so you have nothing to worry about.”

Brian snorted. “I wish that was true.” He shook his head. “I need to get out of here for a while. I’ll be back in a couple of hours.” I stepped back as he passed and a few moments later the front door was thrown shut. What did he mean? Had Zach said something to Brian? I really wished I knew if Zach was interested in me.

I walked into the kitchen. Zach stood in the open fridge, drinking out of a milk carton. He quickly lowered it when he saw me, smiling apologetically. He looked like a child caught with its hand in the cookie jar. “Sorry. I was planning on finishing it.”

I smiled. “Good, I don’t want your cooties.”

He laughed, then downed the rest of the milk.

“That’s kind of gross, you know?” I asked, still in the doorway. My eyes traveled over his body, from head to toe. The way his abs strained against his thin white shirt, the way his biceps flexed, his broad shoulders and the outline of a tattoo on his back shining through. I couldn’t make out what it was. Then I realized what I was doing. Was I really checking out Zach?

His eyes met mine. “I know, that’s why I’m only doing it when I’m alone.” Had he caught me staring? Heat flooded my cheeks. He chucked the carton away, then turned back to me.

“Good to know.” A swarm of butterflies fluttered in my stomach. I tried to remind myself of what Brian had said about Zach, that he wasn’t good for me, that he wasn’t boyfriend material, but my heart and body didn’t want to listen to reason. I’d never felt like this.

“So, did you talk to Brian?” Zach asked as he leaned back against the counter, arms crossed over his chest.

I nodded. “Yes, we straightened things out.”

“I'm glad you did.”

“Me too.” My cheeks still felt hot, but I couldn’t look away. Some crazy, daring, normal part of me considered bridging the distance between us, touching my lips to his, pressing my palms against his strong chest, leaning against him, feeling safe in his arms.

Could I even feel safe in someone’s arms? Could I feel safe in Zach’s arms?

Zachary

Amber averted her gaze. With every other girl I would have said that she was attracted to me but with Amber I wasn’t sure. She had been staring at me but was she actually checking me out? I wasn’t vain but I knew the effect my body had on many women. It’s why I’d never had trouble finding someone to spend the night with, but Amber wasn’t like that. I didn’t want to misinterpret her actions. Too much was at stake. She'd gone through so much. If I did something wrong, not only would Brian hunt me down and probably castrate me, but I would hate myself as well. I knew how toxic people could be for each other. My father hadn’t managed to be faithful to my mother for longer than a few months at a time. It fucking broke her heart. He always told me I was exactly like him, and I feared he was right. Could I risk getting close to Amber?

Our time spent on the ice had been great and I just wanted to take her hand again but I wasn’t sure if she wanted me to. Fuck, I wanted to kiss her, wanted to run my hands over her body, wanted to…And that was the problem.

Amber took a few steps into the kitchen, and leaned against the counter, an arm length away. One of her hands rested on the counter top and she was drawing small circles with her forefinger. It would be so easy to reach out. I’d never been nervous around women but with Amber everything was different. I was turning into a fucking pussy.

So close up I could see the soft dusting of freckles on her nose and that her eyes weren’t exactly brown. They were brown close to the center but turned a dark green toward the corners of her irises. They were fucking amazing. She tilted her head to muster me and her long hair fell to the side, revealing her slender neck. I wanted to trail my tongue over it, wanted to taste her, even though it was wrong. “Brian told me to stay away from you,” she said. She might as well have thrown a bucket of water into my face.

“He did?” She nodded. “What else did he say?”

She shrugged. He’d probably told her about Brittany and the other girls, and God knew what else. It was probably for the best. “I should go to my room,” I muttered.

She put her hand on mine, stopping me. I stared down at her small pale hand on my tanned skin. Slowly I lifted my gaze. “You don’t want me to leave?”

She shook her head.

My skin tingled were she touched me. It would be so easy to turn my hand around and close my palm around her hand, pull her against me and press my lips against hers. “But I thought Brian told you to stay away from me.”

“He did. But I can make my own decisions.”

“And what did you decide?”

She smiled. “I like spending time with you. I don’t want to stay away.”

“Good. I don’t want you to stay away.”

She pulled her hand back. Disappointment washed over me. What did this mean? That we would only be friends? We’d been so close we could have kissed.

“How about a midnight snack?”

“Sure,” I said quickly, trying to drag my thoughts away from kissing. “I could go for a grilled cheese sandwich.”

She straightened, eyes on my face. She licked her lower lip and every muscle in my body tensed in anticipation. Then she turned, opened the fridge, and the moment was over.

***

I dreamed of Amber that night. Of how her skin had felt against mine, of how pink her lips had been, of how it would feel to run my hand over her body. I hated myself for always going there, for always imagining how it would be to see her naked and touch her. I actually had a fucking boner. “Fuck,” I muttered. Brian was right. I should stay the fuck away from Amber.

I rose from my bed and stretched my arms over my head. I needed to take care of business in the shower.

There was a knock at my door and before I could react, it swung open and Reagan entered. I casually dropped my hands so they covered my hard-on. What the hell was Reagan doing in my room? She closed the door and turned around to me. I raised my eyebrows inquiringly. I wasn’t wearing anything but briefs but Reagan didn’t seem to be bothered by it. Actually, she ignored my body completely.

Reagan walked past me and sat down on my bed, patting the place beside her. I frowned and didn’t move from my spot in the middle of my room. She was dressed in running shorts and a tanktop, but at least she wasn’t sweaty.

She narrowed her eyes. “Sit.”

“Are you getting all dominatrix with me?” I asked as I plopped down beside her.

“No. Not that I don't think that you don't need a woman who tells you what to do now and then.”

“Where's Kevin?”

“He's still asleep. It's the weekend after all.”

“You do realize that sitting on my bed might look strange?” I said. I didn’t want to imagine how Kevin would react if he found his girlfriend in my bed. I doubted that he'd give me the chance to explain the situation to him. Maybe I was a man-whore but my friends' girlfriends were definitely off limits.

She rolled her eyes. “Don't be stupid. I'm not attracted to you. Nobody would think that I'd have an affair with you.”

“You break my heart,” I said in a fake hurt tone.

Reagan crossed her legs, a determined look on her face. “We don't have time for this nonsense right now. I came to talk to you before Amber wakes up. I don't want her to know that I'm here.”

Now she had my undivided attention. “Is anything wrong?”

Reagan shook her head. “Nothing is wrong, except for the fact that you don't tell Amber about your feelings.”

I opened my mouth to protest but she cut me off. “Don't deny your feelings, they're obvious.” Her eyes softened slightly. “Listen, Zach, you need to do the first step and tell Amber. She's too scared that you might reject her. I can see how good you are for each other. You just need to admit your feelings for each other.”

Brian would object to that. “Are you sure that Amber has feelings for me?”

“Are you blind?”

“I don't want to push Amber into anything she's not ready for,” I said cautiously. And what was worse: I wasn’t even sure if I was ready for a committed relationship.

Reagan’s eyes flashed. “Admitting one's feelings and seeing each other, doesn’t mean that you need to get physical. Amber isn’t Brittany.”

Annoyance rocked through me. Why did everyone have to bring up Brittany? “I know that, Reagan. Why do you think I'm being so careful?”

“What’s really holding you back, Zach? Are you worried you can’t go without sex for a while?”

“I’m a guy,” I said annoyed. “Of course, I’m thinking about sex. I’ve never had a serious relationship, unless you count the few no-strings-attached girlfriends I’ve had over the years. I’m not even sure if I could stay faithful to a girlfriend I could actually screw, but with Amber I’d be forced to live like a monk for God knows how long.”

Reagan’s lips tightened with disgust. “If that’s your reasoning, then you’re a pig.” She stood abruptly. “Kevin told me you think you are like your cheating, home-wrecking father, but our parents don’t define who we are or who we become. There’s something like choice. Maybe you should stop following in your father’s step like a mindless sheep and figure out what you really want.” My phone started buzzing on the nightstand, the screen flashing with Brittany’s name. “If screwing around is all you want, then you should answer that call. But then you better stay away from Amber. I won’t watch you break her heart. I expected more from you.” With a last glower, she whirled around and stormed out of my room, slamming the door shut.

“Bitch,” I muttered. I expected more from you? Really? That’s what my father always said to me. I could never do anything right in his eyes and apparently the same applied to Reagan, Kevin and Brian. Fuck them. This was my life. I picked up the phone. “Hey Britt, do you want to come over? I need you.”

***

I thrust into Brittany one last time, the subsiding waves of my orgasm surging through me. Brittany lifted her head from the pillow where she’d buried her face to stifle her moans. She was stretched out on the bed, her butt propped up. She loved that position and I didn’t mind watching her hot ass during sex. I pulled out of her and disposed of the condom. Then I stood and stared down at her sweat-slick skin. She rolled onto her back, arms raised over her head and a satisfied smirk on her face. Guilt gripped my chest. While I’d fucked Britt, images of Amber had kept popping into my head. She’d wormed her way into my brain and I couldn’t get her out. Britt ran her toes up my thighs until she reached my balls. She began massaging them with her foot and a jolt of lust made my softening cock jerk. What was I doing? Sex with Britt was hot, mind-blowing, uncomplicated, and yet deep down I wanted more. I wanted Amber.

I stepped back and Britt’s foot dropped from my balls. She sat up, frowning. “What? Don’t tell me you can’t go another round.”

I could definitely go another round and my already hardening cock wanted to, but I had to stop this madness. Reagan was right. I expected to become like my father. I wasn’t even trying to become a better man. I ran a hand through my hair. I was an asshole. How could I explain my reasoning to Britt without a major scene? Soft steps padded past my door. Amber. I cringed. Had she noticed anything? Fuck. I’d told Britt we needed to be quiet because of Brian, but she had let a few moans slip out.

Her eyes narrowed. “Is that her?”

“What?”

“Someone walked past your door just now and you got a strange look on your face. That was Brian’s sister, right?”

I forced a shrug. “So what?”

“So what?” Britt repeated, rising from the bed. “You almost never invite me over for sex. Did you want to make her jealous?”

I laughed. “No, of course not.”

“Then why?”

That was a good question. Maybe I was trying to push Amber away, but I didn’t want to do that anymore. I wanted to give this thing with Amber a chance.

“Oh my God, you have a crush on that girl.” She grabbed the blanket and wrapped it around her body and walked toward my door. “I’ll clean up and then I’m gone.” I was surprised that Britt didn’t try to fight. I wished she wouldn’t take a shower here, but I could hardly tell her to get dressed reeking of sex. She stepped out of my room but she didn’t head for the bathroom. She was on her way toward the living room. Oh shit.