Not Meant To Be Broken (21 page)

Robert put a hand on Zach’s shoulder. “Think of your future, of Amber’s future, and then do the right thing and cut her loose as long as this isn’t serious. If you wait longer, it’ll only get worse.” Zach’s father shrugged. “If you’re too selfish to let her go, then keep her on the side. If she’s good in bed, then for all I care keep her for that, though I can’t see the appeal unless you like them meek and submissive.”

I stumbled back, not able to bear another moment. My heart was pounding in my chest as I hurried back toward the kitchen. I’d always thought that Zach could do better than me. Apparently, I wasn’t the only one who thought like that. What about Zach? He hadn’t disagreed with his father. Maybe deep down he knew that we wouldn’t make it. Maybe he’d realized that I wasn’t enough. Maybe he was tired of vanilla sex. Maybe he wanted to escape but couldn’t because his conscience wouldn’t let him. Brian and my dad had made sure he knew how fragile I was and seeing my suicide scars probably hadn’t helped matters. I wasn’t sure what to think anymore. Zach’s father right with one thing: I couldn’t live like Zach’s mother did. Knowing that my husband was cheating on me and drowning my sorrows in alcohol. I’d gone through too much, had come too far to let that happen to me. I had a past I hated being reminded of; I wanted at least a future to look forward to. And there was another thing I was absolutely sure about: I wouldn’t force anyone to stay with me by threatening him with suicide. I’d been pitied by everyone around me for years, I didn’t want Zach to be with me out of pity or duty.

Zach

I ground my teeth together to keep back the things I wanted to call my father. He was a cheating, misogynistic, money-grubbing asshole but he was still my father. When I was sure I wouldn’t curse him, I said. “Don’t talk about Amber like that. You don’t know anything about Amber, or about our relationship. I can’t leave Amber because I love her.” Shock shot through my body at the realization. I did love her. I should have realized it sooner.

“Love, please don’t be ridiculous, Zach.”

I glared. “Just because you aren’t capable of loving anyone except for yourself that doesn’t mean I’m the same way. I’m nothing like you.”

“You are. Tell me now that you’ve never once considered cheating on Amber and then maybe I believe that you are less like me than I think.”

I tensed, and my father let out a sharp laugh. “Maybe you aren’t ready to accept it yet. Keep your Amber for now, string her along, but mark my words: that girl won’t be at your side once you take over my company.”

“Coming here was a mistake,” I said firmly. “Amber and I are leaving now.” I turned around to pick up Amber in the kitchen.

“Yes, run away. But you can’t run from the truth of who you are, Zach.” I pushed through the door and almost ran toward the kitchen. Amber was inside, staring out of the window – alone.

“Where’s my mother?” I asked.

Amber glanced over her shoulder. She looked shaken. “She said she needed to go upstairs.”

God, was my mother getting wasted with Amber in the house? “I need to check on her,” I said and went upstairs. Mother was in the bedroom, bent over her vanity. I approached her cautiously and put a hand on her shoulder. “Mom?” She raised her head a few inches. The remains of cocaine dusted the vanity and her chin. “I thought you stopped with that shit?” I whispered harshly. I helped her to her feet and led her toward the bed, where she lay down with a hazy smile. “I did. For a little while. A little while. But I need it to feel something, to feel numb, and forget.”

Did she realize that she contradicted herself? There was only one thing cocaine did: ruining your life. “Does Father know?” The answer was obvious. Cocaine was expensive.

“He tells me to be careful.” I closed my eyes for a moment, then pressed a kiss to my mother’s forehead and left. I wasn’t even sure when I’d found my mother like that the first time. I was young, maybe seven, and father had lost it completely. When I came back downstairs, Father was putting on his coat. “Where are you going? Mother just sniffed coke, you can’t leave her alone.”

“Nina is on her way.”

“You’re going to let the maid take care of Mother?”

He glared. “It’s worked for the last few years. Now leave, and get your affairs sorted. I’ll be back in a couple of hours. Don’t worry, I’ll spend the night with your mother.”

I wanted to hit him so much in that moment. Instead I walked into the kitchen and took Amber’s hand before leading her outside. Father was already getting into his Porsche when we stepped onto the porch. “Is your mother alright?”

Nina waved at me from a way down the street. “She’s…as she’s always been.” That was the only way to describe it. I couldn’t remember a time when my mother hadn’t been addicted to something. Pills, anti-depressants, alcohol, pott, cocaine. She was getting worse at hiding it; that was what really worried me.

Amber was awfully silent during our drive back to Boston. She was probably shocked by the state of my family. Some people equaled money with happiness, but that wasn’t true. I didn’t think my mother had been truly happy in many years. “Are you okay?” I asked eventually.

She looked almost surprised that I’d spoken as if she’d forgotten that she wasn’t alone in the car. “Yeah. Tired. The country club was exhausting.”

“I know. It’ll get better. Eventually your facial muscles learn to keep a constant smile and the right words will come naturally.”

Amber crunched her brows together as if she doubted that. And maybe she was right. Some people just weren’t meant to be part of this kind of backstabbing, two-faced group.

When we returned to the apartment, Amber led me into my room at once and began undressing me almost desperately. I was startled by her initiative. She slipped my shirt over my head, her lips hot against my chest as she kissed me. Her fingers fumbled with my belt, then the buttons of my business pants. Finally she pushed them down. I was already rock hard. Her expression was so intense, so focused. I sank down on the bed and Amber removed my last pieces of clothing, freeing my cock.

“Amber, are you okay?” She didn’t reply. She knelt beside me on the bed, bent her head over me and closed her mouth around my cock. I closed my eyes and put a hand on her head, stroking her hair as she worked her mouth up and down, licking and sucking. It was only the second time that she’d given me a blowjob, and I’d missed it. I loved the feel of her warm, wet mouth around my cock. I shifted my hips up and down. “Yeah, that feels so good, Amber. Yes, honey.”

Sometimes her teeth graced me by accident but I was so horny by Amber’s boldness that I didn’t even mind. I could feel myself getting closer and closer, and when Amber cupped my balls and began massaging them, I almost came at once. “Amber, I’m going to come,” I warned. I tried to move her away, because I didn’t want to come in her mouth, but she didn’t budge. Instead she sucked even harder and I couldn’t hold it in anymore, I threw my head back and exploded in her mouth. I groaned, as my cock twitched and my balls tensed. Amber kept sucking and it felt so fucking good. I opened my eyes and watched her sucking my softening cock slower and slower. That was a fucking fantastic sight. I ran my hand gently over her head and kept my eyes on her as she kept her lips on me until the aftershocks of my orgasm were over. She sat back on her hunches and wiped her mouth. I sat up and helped her out of her dress and bra, suckled and licked and kissed her breasts as I peeled off her panties. Then I slowly moved down her body and started licking her. She was already wet but I took my time nibbling and teasing her clit. I pushed one finger into her and began pumping slowly as my mouth worked her clit. I wasn’t sure what had gotten into Amber to make her so horny, and I didn’t care. Seeing her like that was fucking hot.

Amber

This was the last time. The thought kept whirring in my head as Zach licked me. I needed him. Just one more time. I pushed his head back. Zach looked surprised. I couldn’t say anything. Instead I made him sit back against the headboard and straddled him. Zach released a low breath as I curled my fingers around him and slowly guided him into me. He wrapped his arms around my back, our chests pressed against each other as I started to move. We kissed, slowly, unhurriedly. I wanted to taste him one more time, wanted to feel him one more time. Zach suckled my throat as he guided my hips in a slow rhythm. I could feel pressure building in my core. I moved faster and wrapped my arms tightly around Zach’s neck, burying my face in his hair. Tears started to trickle down my cheeks, as I relished in the feel of our skin sliding against each other. I bit back a sob. Zach snuck a hand between us and rubbed my clit, driving me higher and higher. My orgasm gripped me and I cried out as pleasure shot through my body, moved my hips faster and faster until Zach’s hand grabbed my hips and he groaned when his own orgasm overwhelmed him. I clung to him as the tingling ebbed away and he softened in me. I didn’t move, couldn’t move. I wiped the tears off my face, so Zach wouldn’t see and stared at the wooden headboard. This was it.

Zach lay down, taking me with him. I rested my cheek against his chest, breathing in his scent, listening to his quick heartbeat, running my fingertips up his muscled arms. He stroked my back, his touch soft and gentle as he always was with me. I wanted this moment to last forever. One more night, I told myself, and tomorrow I’d break it off before he could break my heart, or worse: stayed with me for the wrong reasons until he learned to regret it, or maybe even resent me. I’d never feel comfortable around the society women who smiled at you while hating everything about you and the business men with their overconfident smiles. That wasn’t my world. But it would be Zach’s soon. It was already Brittany’s. My heart tightened. Reagan had told me to take control, to always be in control. I wouldn’t lose control ever again. Control was what had helped me leave my past behind. I wouldn’t let anyone be the master over my life again.

I breathed in his scent again, letting it engulf me entirely, wrap me into a cocoon of blissful safety. He was the only one who made me feel like that. Only he, but whatever we had, it would – it could never be more than an interlude. Zach hadn’t disagreed with his father and that was as much a confirmation as there could ever be one. Maybe Zach was really too kind to admit it, maybe he was worried he’d lose Brian if he left me, maybe he was worried I’d shatter if he was the one to end things between us, so I had to make it easy for him. I loved Zach, loved him more than I thought possible after what had happened, but he’d never said it back. I’d thought it was maybe a guy thing, but now I realized it was a Zach thing. He couldn’t say it because he didn’t love me. When we’d started dating he’d always said he would try to be a good boyfriend but he couldn’t promise me anything. Trying hadn’t been enough, I realized that now.

One more night. I closed my eyes, buried my face in Zach’s chest. I was suddenly very calm. One more night.

Zach

When I woke, Amber wasn’t snuggled up to me. I sat up and rubbed my face. She’d probably gone to the bathroom, but when I touched the side where she usually lay it was completely cold as if she’d left a while ago. I got out of bed, put boxer shorts on and went in search of her. I knocked at her door but got no response. Eventually I found her in the kitchen, leaning against the counter and staring intently at a cup of coffee cradled in her hands. She looked like she hadn’t slept at all last night. I walked up to her for a kiss but she shook her head and took a few steps back. Confused, I stopped.

“We need to talk,” she said quietly.

Something was wrong, very fucking wrong. “What’s going on?”

“This isn’t going to work. I want to break up.”

Shock shot through me as I stared at her. She was looking right back at me, completely serious. Her eyes were guarded. I’d never seen that look on her face.

“What do you mean?”

“What I said. I think we should break up. When we started dating we always knew it could turn out that it wasn’t working out, and I realized it isn’t going to work out.” She said it like she’d rehearsed those lines all night. When had she decided to break up with me?

“It’s because of yesterday, because of my mother, right?”

She shook her head but I could tell from her expression I’d hit a nerve. She thought she’d end up like my mother if she stayed with me. She’d finally realized what my father had known all along: that I was just like my old man, that I was a destructive force bound to fuck up her life. My father had said the best thing I could do for Amber was letting her go so she could find someone else, someone nicer, someone better.

I nodded once. “Okay. If that’s what you want. It’s probably for the best.”

She looked surprised for a moment, then she put down the coffee and walked past me. “Yes, it is.” And then she slipped out of the kitchen and a moment later I heard the front door bang shut.

What the fuck had just happened? I sank down on the chair and didn’t move for a long time. I’d never felt so fucking empty.  I buried my face in my palms. Why was I feeling so bad? I was doing the right thing. Amber needed someone, a decent guy who loved her, then why was the mere idea of her being with another man feel like a stab in the heart?

“What’s up with you?” Brian asked as he entered the kitchen.

“Amber and I broke up.”

There was silence. “I knew it. I fucking knew it! I warned you not to get involved with her. I knew you’d break her heart. Did you cheat on her? Did get tired of being with only one girl? What the hell is wrong with you, Zach?”

Everything, apparently. I looked up. “She broke up with me, and I didn’t cheat on her.”

“Then what did you do?”

“Does it have to be me who did something?”

He gave me a look.

“She think it’s not working out. She’s probably right.”

Brian shook his head with a frown. “Great, now I have to pick up the pieces. Where is she?”

“I don’t know. She didn’t tell me. She left.”

“You’re an asshole, Zach.” With that, Brian left the kitchen.

“Don’t I know it?” I muttered.

Amber

I couldn’t breathe. I rushed out of the building and into the nearby park where I collapsed on a bench. I pressed my chest against my legs, staring down at the gravel, trying to calm my breathing, trying to stop my heart from feeling like it was shattering. Tears burned my eyes.

I’d really broken up with Zach. God, why? Why? Now I realized that deep down I’d only wanted to get something from him, some kind of sign that he loved me, or at least cared about me as much as I cared for him, but he’d given me up without a fight, without much of a protest even. He’d let me go like it meant nothing. Everything his father had said yesterday was right. That’s why Zach hadn’t argued with him. Zach probably hadn’t broken up with me because he didn’t want to leave the poor broken Amber. Pity, was that what had made him stay with me until now?

But I’d survived worse. I would survive this. I’d move on. I wasn’t that broken girl anymore. I was stronger than her. With shaky fingers, I pulled out my cell from my jeans pocket and dialed Reagan’s number. She answered after the third ring. “Hey Amber!”

“I broke up with Zach.”

“Whoa, okay. What?”

“I broke up with Zach.”

“How did that even happen? Do you want me to come over? I could be there in thirty minutes.”

“Yeah, that would be great. I think I need a shoulder to cry on.” I let out a choked laugh.

“I’ll be there soon.”

Then I remembered that I couldn’t go back into the apartment, not yet. If I met Zach now, I’d lose it. “I can’t go back into the apartment. What do I do now?”

“Let’s meet in the Starbucks around the corner.”

“Okay.” We hung up and I stared at nothing for a long time. Then I got up and walked slowly toward the Starbucks. Reagan arrived twenty minutes later, with wet hair and a panicked look on her face. When she found me sitting at table in the corner, she rushed over and hugged me. “Amber, what the hell is going on? Tell me everything.”

And so I did and when I was done, Reagan frowned. “Maybe Zach was just stunned and that’s what he didn’t fight for your relationship. Maybe it’s not really over.”

“It is. He never told me he loved me. He never spoke about the future.”

“Did you sleep with him?”

I nodded, then I blinked quickly to keep tears at bay. “And I don’t regret it. I’ve never felt so loved.” I snorted. “I didn’t think I could ever feel so safe with someone.”

Reagan squeezed my hand. “I could talk to Zach.”

“No,” I said quickly. My phone vibrated for the tenth time. It was Brian and I finally picked up.

“Amber, where are you? I talked to Zach. I’m worried about you. Are you okay?” He sounded close to a freak-out.

“I’m with Reagan, and I’m okay. You don’t need to worry. I broke up with Zach, not the other way around.”

“Did he hurt you? If he did, I’ll kill him.”

“He didn’t hurt me,” I said quietly. “It’s nobody’s fault. It just wasn’t meant to be. Can we talk later?”

“Okay, but don’t stay out too long. I’m really worried.”

“I know.” I hung up, then sighed. “This is such a mess. I thought if I was the one breaking up with Zach before he could, I’d feel better about it. That being in control would make it hurt less.”

“It doesn’t,” Reagan whispered.

“No, it doesn’t. It hurts so much.” I closed my eyes and pressed my face into my palms. Reagan wrapped an arm around me. “Shhh. It’ll get better. And you can still talk to Zach. Nothing’s lost yet. Talk to him about your feelings and worries, and why you really broke up with him. It’ll be fine.”

I didn’t think it would be. If Zach hadn’t felt the need to fight for us, then why should I? But Reagan eventually managed to convince me and we walked back to the apartment together. Brian was already waiting for me in the living room. Before he could question me further, I asked. “Where’s Zach?”

“He went over to Jason to go out. He’s doing what he’s good at. Getting wasted. They want to hit a club.”

Reagan cursed. “What is wrong with him?”

I put on a brave face. “It’s for the best. A clean cut.” I wished I could really believe that.

***

I lay awake almost all night in my bed, but Zach didn’t come home. He’d probably found someone new to spend the night with. After having been shackled to me for months he must have been desperate for a one-night stand.

I could barely keep my eyes open the next morning, but I got dressed and headed out for work in a trance. I managed to smile and take orders without messing it up. Life went on as if nothing had happened. That was a small consolation. In a few years I’d look back to this moment and see it as another step toward becoming who I was supposed to be. God, I sounded like a Hallmark card.

Reagan waited for me when my shift was over, and together we walked over to the apartment. “I think I need to find a new place. I can’t keep living in Zach’s apartment now that we’ve broken up.” It still felt surreal, as if any moment I might wake up from a nightmare. But things like that never happened. I’d learned that in the past.

“You could crash at my place for a while. My roommates wouldn’t mind. They practically have their boyfriends over all the time, so what’s one person more?”

“Thanks. Maybe I’ll take you up on that offer.”

“Did you see Zach again since the breakup?”

“He didn’t come home all night, and I didn’t see him this morning.”

Reagan shook her head. “I can’t believe he’s acting like that.”

“He seems to be coping well with the breakup,” I said miserably. “Better than me.”

Zach

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so wasted. I couldn’t even remember how much I’d drunk. Kevin was giving me the dirty eye. The fuck I cared. I emptied my glass. Day three after Amber broke up with me, but no matter how much I drank even thinking her name still felt like a canyon ripped open in my chest.

Fuck it. Fuck it all. Fuck my father most of all for making me turn out like him.

“Don’t blame your father,” Kevin said in exasperation. I hadn’t even realized I’d said anything aloud. I glared. “There’s a small voice called choice, Zach. You could try it. Try to act like a grown up and don’t get shitfaced. Go to Amber and make up. Tell her you can’t be without her. Tell her you love her and stop throwing yourself pity-parties.”

“I’m not fucking capable of loving anybody. Like my father said. I ruined it.”

“Then why if you didn’t love Amber are you acting like this? I’ve never seen you so miserable.”

“I’m not miserable. I’ve having a fucking perfect time.”

“I can see that.”

“Hey Zach, I’m surprised to find you here,” Brittany said, suddenly appearing at my side. “Where’s your girlfriend?”

“Gone. We broke up.”

“Oh, that’s a pity.” She leaned close to me. “Need some company?”

Kevin shook his head and left. Good. He was driving we crazy with his talking.

“We always had a good time, don’t you think? We’re meant for each other.”

Had she talked to my father? She ran her hand up and down my chest. “Let’s have some fun. You must be hungry after all the vanilla sex with Amber.”

“Don’t talk about her,” I growled.

“Okay, okay. Still a touchy subject.” Her hand graced my groin. “We can go to my place, or we can do it in the alley like old times. What do you say?”

“Alley,” I said simply and she took my hand and led me across the dance floor, through the backdoor into the alley. It was fucking cold. But I didn’t care. I couldn’t believe Christmas was in two days. My present for Amber would rot in my desk drawer for all eternity. Brittany started kissing my lips and I pulled away, gripped her shoulders, pushing her down. She grinned and opened my zipper. I closed my eyes as she curled her hands around my cock. All I could think about was Amber, her smile, her soft lips, the way her hair smelled, her laughter when I tickled her sides. What the fuck was I doing? I pushed Brittany’s hands away, took a few steps back and zipped my pants. “I can’t.” I actually felt like I was going to throw up.

“What do you mean?” She straightened. “Don’t tell me this is because of Amber.”

I closed my eyes, but quickly opened them again when I almost lost my balance. Too much alcohol. I was like the worst possible combo of my father and mother. A drunk cheat.

“You said it’s over between you and her, so what’s the fucking problem?”

“The fucking problem is that I still love her.” I froze. Love. I still loved her. Loved her so much it fucking hurt. I should have told her a long time ago. And it took a breakup and this to figure it out. Too late as always. “I’m sorry. But I can’t do this.”

I stumbled back into the club, bumping into several people and almost falling flat on my face a few times. Kevin stepped in my way, and slung one of my arms over his shoulders. “Already over?” His voice was harsh, angry.

He could be angry with me all he wanted. He couldn’t possibly hate me more than I hated myself right in this moment. I’d lost the first woman I’d ever loved because I was a stupid asshole.

“I couldn’t go through with it,” I muttered. “I still love Amber. I fucking love her so much it hurts. And I fucked it up. I let her go.”

“Let’s get you home,” Kevin said. “Maybe when you aren’t wasted anymore, we can figure out a way to get you back together with Amber.”

Why could I possibly do or say to make Amber give us another chance?