Nothing Left To Want (26 page)

I took the passbook.

The people in the walnut-paneled elevator all looked away from the sobbing blond girl with her disheveled hair and cigarette-burned Chanel. They probably thought that I was a newly cast-off mistress dropped from financial security by one of the city's power brokers who worked in the building.

If that is what they thought, they weren’t too far off. I had been let go, discarded. My father, the one person who I had always thought would love me, had just separated my money from his. He had taken away his love with this move - that was the only way I could see it - because, in my family, things like time and affection, and the security they might provide a kid, had never been on tap, so instead there was Daddy’s wealth. The houses and planes and credit cards were the way, at least as I understood it, of saying, “I’m here for you, little girl”, and now those were gone.

Twenty-five million dollars sounds like an enormous fortune but, by the standards of my family, it wasn’t the price of, say, a once-yearly home in Vail. But I wasn’t crying about the money. I didn’t know enough about money then to gauge whether or not twenty-five million was a lot or a little. It was the separation from Daddy’s money that felt like a separation from Daddy that shook me to my already shaky core.

At the time, I wasn’t thinking of the more ominous things I had heard, or not, heard in Herbert’s office.

He hadn’t, for example, explained why my mother was one of my trustees and, worst of all, he hadn’t answered my question about what could happen if the trustees decided to cut me off from access to my own money.

I was too upset about being cut off from my father to think about either of those things, or to think about how I might need to start being more careful. I had never been taught to be careful. I was twenty-one and I felt like I was losing everything so, instead of going home and curling up with Petal, instead of calling Milan - or even Carly - for advice, I decided to do the only things that had ever helped me through a crisis.

I went to Bergdorf’s.

I picked out a hideous LaCroix dress and told them to charge every ugly twenty-two thousand dollar inch of it to Daddy’s account. I went to my dealer and wordlessly handed him one earring of a pair of canary diamond studs that Aunt Georgia had given me for my last birthday. He, in turn, wordlessly handed me a few grams of coke. I called Michael’s cell phone until his voice mail filled up. Late that night, high and lonely and sick, I called for a car to take me and my ugly dress and my cocaine out to Endpoint in the Hamptons. Herbert had loaded the gun for me, but I’ll admit I was the one who fired it.

Chapter 27

There are these bad old nineties movies,
Escape from L.A.
and
Escape from New York
, and they are all about how the world has come to an end but all the really bad shit has either, depending on the movie, started in either New York or L.A., the message being that even alien invaders know that those are the most important places in the country. So, if you want to get noticed, go after one of them, or maybe it’s just typical Hollywood craptastic stuff, because who would go to a movie called 'Escape from Boise'? Everyone born outside of our two major cities already spends most of their time fantasizing about escaping to them. It does kind of illustrate how even people in Boise or South Dakota, or wherever, agree that if it’s not happening in New York or L.A., it’s not happening at all.

Everyone, that is, except New Yorkers. No born-and-bred New Yorker ever dreams of escaping the city. I mean, yeah, we all periodically whine and bitch about the heat, or the cold, or the traffic, and it’s not a problem because, in a half hour helicopter ride, we can be in the Hamptons or on the Vineyard. A week away is more than long enough to make any Manhattanite ready to tear off their skin to get back into the city, trips to Amalfi and the Seychelles being an occasional exception.

My point is that there is no better city, no better life. No one lucky enough to live there ever wants to be any place else. We don’t think there is any place else. I didn’t fantasize about giving up Fifth Avenue for a day’s shopping at the malls of Beverly Hills. Ask any New Yorker and they’ll all tell you that, to us, L.A. is just a blinged-up sunnier version of New Jersey and, except for the novelty of maybe seeing the Academy Awards live once a decade, it’s a place best read about in tabloids, not lived in.

Until my family forced me from the home of my birthright, I had never considered L.A. and its surrounding environs with anything but horror. It’s not some magic factory, it’s a huge messy sprawl of giant supermarkets and Wal-Marts. There are no little corner stores where you buy prosciutto in one little place and flowers at another from some great Italian, Irish or Chinese family that has been running the place for four generations and might have even waited on your grandparents.

New York has Bergdorf’s and F.A.O. Schwartz and the Rockefeller Center, and L.A. has Beverly Center, tacky Rodeo Drive and tanning salons with their own reality shows. When I was a little girl, I used to watch the snow falling over the polar bear enclosure in Central Park and the men and women who would go up the steps of the Metropolitan at night wearing black velvet and gleaming like the white bears. You could just tell that even those sophisticated, lucky people, with their knowledge of all the places in the world you might go, knew that they were already in the best place. In Los Angeles they don’t have any real magic like that, but if you get super-nostalgic for enchantment, I guess you can always pile in the car and drive down the choked freeway to Disneyland.

New York was my home, my world, the place where my bloodline had dictated I would live out my life and make all my memories, and then I was sent away. My family decided I wasn’t right for New York; that I wasn’t good enough to stay where I had started. They exiled me, there is no other word for it and, for me, all the time I had left would be spent pacing the confines of my new cage.

In the end my parents did to me what the people who captured the polar bears for our zoo did to them. While the polar bears I had grown up watching were supposed to be happy in their pretty little park, and they even had their own swimming pool, I knew that they still dreamed of their glaciers. I could really see it in the summers. The bears would turn yellow and lie out on their rocks with these hopeless expressions. Even Manhattan couldn’t replace being taken away from their homes. I get that. People and animals need to be left where they belong. Swimming pools don’t make up for losing your natural place in the world. You’ll always end up lying on a rock somewhere, dreaming of your piece of ice and ocean or, in my case, the little patch of old city I had grown up in. I turned yellow in L.A., or orange I guess - everyone in L.A. is orange. Spray-on tans and fluorescent lighting will do that to skin; drugs and loneliness will too. I haven’t been hopeless every second out here since my exile because I always thought I might get to go home again. Now I know that will never happen, not while I’m alive anyway.

My life in New York ended on a sticky summer night in July of 2002. I didn’t do anything - I didn’t cause it to happen - but I was there in a place my family would have preferred I not be. I was a friend and employee of the perpetrator, as Carly is now called, and the press seized on me and on my family name to keep the story going, and my mother used it as an excuse and, presto-chango, I was 'on board a westbound seven forty-seven; didn’t even have time to think before deciding where to go'.

Well, in my case, maybe my family didn’t think, or maybe they did.

Why not L.A.?
they must have said to themselves,
L.A., land of broken dreams and broken people. Carey will fit right in.
If they weren’t right then, L.A. made them right in time.

* * *

My last innocent, drug-fueled, drunken Hamptons weekend started off like usual. I had asked Carly for Friday off that week so that I could get out to East Hampton early - well noon - but early is subjective. She had rolled her eyes but agreed, saying, “You can take all of next week off, if you want to, Carey. The city's dead for the summer; everybody’s gone south, or south of the border, or wherever.”

I didn’t mention that she had shut down the office for all of last summer to follow her boyfriend around Europe. I didn’t mention it because Page Six, our local gossip rag for the rarefied, had been shouting out headlines for the last two weeks that Scott, the man everybody was pretty sure was going to be Carly’s first husband, had been spotted around town with a Victoria’s Secret model, a girl of limited fortune but, unlike Carly, unlimited looks.

Carly was my friend but she was also older and my boss, and she was the kind of friend who liked to give advice and ask personal questions without allowing the favour to be reciprocated.

She was no different that Thursday.

“
Are you planning to head out to East Hampton?”

I nodded, hoping it wouldn’t go any further. Of course it did, because when you are having man troubles of your own, it feels so good to criticize your friends for their own loser relationships. Carly didn’t let me down. She walked over and perched on the edge of my desk, petting Petal, pretending, like all of us do, to be saying it out of concern.

She started in. “Carey, do you really think spending another weekend out at Endpoint, hanging around, drinking too much and riding the Bolivian wave is going to make Michael suddenly realize he wants to come back to you?”

“
Gawd, Carly, I’m not doing drugs, and ... ” She narrowed her eyes. I sighed. “Okay, maybe I am right now, but I’m … I don’t know ... this is a weird time, the trust, my mother and Michael. I mean, he’s not, we’re not, well anyway, I know he likes how skinny I am right now,” I finished defiantly.

Carly, who could drink and cuss like a truck driver or an L.A. girl, was very judgmental about drugs. “Did he say he liked the way you looked, Carey?”

“
No but last weekend he couldn’t take his eyes off me.”

“
Did he take you home with him, did he talk to you or did he just look at you because, you know, Carey, you might be mistaking why he was looking at you.”

“
Oh Gawd, Carly, stop it. I don’t need this. You sound like Milan.”

“
Milan’s a smart girl and she knows all about over-exposure, Carey. Maybe you should listen to her.”

“
Over-exposure?”

“
Yeah, come on, don’t play naïve. You’ve been friends with Milan Marin for a billion years. You’ve worked with me for two, and in P.R. time that’s like a hundred years. You know that if anyone, no matter who they are, is seen at the same place, or doing the same thing, too much, they reach saturation. It stops being exciting and starts to be a joke. That’s when the press, or a guy, can turn nasty. Give Endpoint and Michael a rest, Carey. Let him miss you.”

“
You’re wrong, Carly. I know he’s been hard to get a hold of these days, but if he didn’t want me at the Point on weekends, Gawd, it’s his club, he could just tell the doormen not to let me in.”

She laughed. “Oh c’mon, Carey, stop acting like the dumb blond you aren’t. You’re Carey Kelleher, and where you go, other idiots willing to drop ten large on a night at the Point follow. They follow and the paparazzi follows, and while you might end up looking like pretty sad in Monday’s Page Six, his bar just looks like the place to be.”

I winced; there was some truth in what she said. There had been a recent spate of grainy shots of me coming out of the club, dazzled by the daylight, staggering a little, looking sleazy in the night before’s clothes, shots that inevitably ended up in
The Post
, shots I hoped Daddy wasn’t seeing but knew he probably was.

I looked down. “I know you’re right, Carly, but if I don’t see him at the Point, I don’t see him at all, and I … ”

“
Don’t say it, don’t say, '
I love him, I miss him, and I don’t care if I’m making an ass out of myself'.
Think it but don’t say it, Carey. Don’t validate, even to yourself, how bad you feel. I know a little bit about that myself.”

I looked up at her, surprised and more than willing to switch from loser advisee to sympathetic advice-giving friend. She gave me a warning 'don’t even try it' look. Standing, she said briskly, “Listen, I’m going to be out there myself this weekend. Why don’t you hang out with me at Daddy’s place? He’s got a bunch of people coming in but there’s still plenty of privacy at my end of the estate. We’ll do vodka shooters, lay by the pool and talk about everything but the men who are or aren’t in our lives. What do you say?”

I thought about it. Carly’s daddy, Harry Goldstein’s place in the Hamptons was legendary in our circle, not because any of our families couldn’t have afforded to build our own sixty thousand square foot fantasy palaces (I'm thinking Dubai), but because none of them would have. Harry didn’t care if everybody thought his house was way over the top or that we laughed about the three salt water pools he had installed at the edge of God’s salt water pool, the Atlantic. He had made his money in a hurry and I guess, when you do that, you need pink marble floors, and gold hardware, and a chandelier from a palazzo in Rome that is forty feet long and weighs nearly a ton. In his defense, unlike the rest of us with our weekend estates, he actually spent a lot of time out at Gold House, as he had named the place.