Nothing Left To Want (8 page)

He grinned and grabbed for it. “A present for me? What for? It’s not my birthday, it’s not even my sister’s birthday, which reminds me ... ”

“
Daddy! Open it.”

“
Okay, I will, since you asked so nicely.”

We both laughed and he tore the double wrapping paper off and lifted up the black Chanel football with his initials monogrammed into it.” He held out his arms to me and I ran around the desk to hug him.

“
A Chanel football. It’s perfect, little girl.”

“
I know, right, 'cause you have the team and I thought, see, I had your initials put on it and ... ”

He squeezed me tighter. “I see them. I love it. I love you, Carey K. So, does the football mean you’re not mad at me for … ?” I didn’t want him to say it. I knew he meant because of his new girlfriend who he had introduced me to at lunch a week earlier – Amerinda – or, as my mother called her, 'Amaretto'.

I didn’t care if he had a girlfriend. She made him happy and that made me happy. I just didn’t want to have to talk about it because it made my stomach hurt, so I put my hand over his mouth and nodded.

“
I’m not mad. It’s okay, Daddy.”

I wasn’t mad, I didn’t mind. I didn’t. I didn’t even mind when he moved out of the apartment to his club two weeks later. Daddy’s girlfriend was not why I got drunk on crème de menthe with Milan and Christy at the mini bar in their parents' room. It was just a dumb kid experiment, everyone does it, and it wasn’t my fault that the sickly sweet drink rocked my blood sugar and made me faint. And it wasn’t Daddy’s fault either; it was just three teenage girls trying to get a little high, that’s all it was.

Sylvia heard about it from the Marin’s maid when she came to pick me up, and she told my mother, and my mother didn’t give a damn. It was only later that night that she must have seen a way to work it to her advantage.

All I knew was that the next morning I didn’t go to Dwight. Instead, George drove my mother and me to Teeterboro where the company jet was, and we flew to Topeka, Kansas, and my mother signed me into Menninger’s Adolescent Substance Abuse Clinic. Then she flew home to New York and called Daddy and told him I had gone on a drinking binge out of despair at his being gone and what did he plan to do about his out-of-control daughter and her shattered home life?

Chapter 9

The whole rehab thing wasn’t a total disaster; some good comes out of everything, right? Sure it does.

I read that in a fortune cookie once, so it must be true.

I actually got a lot out of my stay at Menninger’s. I met my first sort of boyfriend, lost my virginity, took my first psychotropic drugs and had my first suicide attempt there.

So, yeah, lots of firsts, and after I came home, Daddy was back in the apartment. He seemed to have shrunk a little and his eyes looked almost as dead as mine. On the upside, my mother seemed a foot taller and she was a woman who looked like she had won the war. I guess you have to take the good with the bad, and every cloud has a silver lining.

I heard those things at treatment, so they must be true.

The whole drug and alcohol treatment admission might have turned into a kind of embarrassing debacle for mother but, luckily for her, I wasn’t aware that twenty-four hours after she had dropped me off, the confused staff was talking about having her turn right around and pick me up. I didn’t know a thing about it, so after crying and screaming for six hours after being admitted, I settled down for my first night’s sleep after a big fat shot of Halidol. I refused the gray sausages and green eggs they offered me for breakfast the next morning, and screamed at the nurse who lectured me on taking care of my diabetes and, despite my resistance, I was dragged into group.

I didn’t show that I was totally interested in the stories of the other five kids - three girls and two boys - who talked about using, but I was. They made it sound like an interesting way to live, and since my knock-out shot from the night before had worn off, I was taking in what they had to say, and wondering too if I picked up my chair, and smashed the fat bitch counselor over the head, if I could have another one. One of the two boys was pretty cute in a kind of scraggly, stoner way. He had done the inspiring, 'Hi, my name is Jeff, and I’m an addict' speech, which was good since I had been dying to find out his name. I hadn’t got on board with the whole 'I’m Carey and I’m a drunk' thing that morning, but fortunately the counselor had introduced me to the class. “This is Carey and it’s her first time, so we’ll let her observe today.” They responded, “Hi, Carey.” It was really adorable. The whole fucking set-up in treatment is so supportive. That must be why we all keep going back over and over again. Where would we all be without the Dr. Drew’s of the world?

Jeff was seventeen and I found out later that it was his third time through Menninger’s. One of their success stories, I guess. When he offered me a cigarette, I didn’t want him to think I was a loser, so I took it, and I remember feeling kind of proud because I didn’t choke on the first drag. It was something to do with my shaking hands anyway.

It’s funny that they let us smoke in group. Even nowadays, treatment is one of the few indoor places where lighting up is still okay. The theory behind that is we addicts, being all traumatized about our various issues - heroin, child abuse, bulimia, cocaine, incest, meth, anorexia and what have you - should be able to at least smoke our way through the trauma of confession. And then, over time, while working on our progressions to our new 'healthy lifestyles', we will eventually lose the stink weed habit too, maybe replace it with Scientology, or at least pink berry fro yo. It sounds pretty good in theory but I’ve noticed over time in various rehab facilities, or healing centers - whatever they are called - that most of us keep doing the drugs in between rehab and that no one ever gives up their cancer sticks.

When Jeff’s turn to talk came, he told a pretty cool story about blowing up his Principal’s car at the school for emotionally fragile kids in Calabasas where he had been sent after his second go round at Menninger’s. I got a little shiver listening to his bad boy, bad attitude, bad parents stories, and sat up a little straighter in my chair.

For the first time since hitting that hell hole, I was sorry I had ignored the nurse who had offered to let me shower that morning and I kind of shifted around so that he hopefully wouldn’t notice my insulin pack and ask me what was wrong with me. I toyed with the idea of saying that it was a new kind of time-release heroin thing my family’s company had invented. That is the kind of 'like me, please like me, anybody, somebody' bullshit that I have always suffered from.

At least that is what one of my therapists told me, so it must be true.

Back then, I didn’t know I had a people-pleasing neurosis based on 'deep insecurities and rampant self-hatred' which ran at odds with my 'narcissistic personality disorder and fantasy-based thinking'. I just wanted people to talk to me, to not ignore me, which is apparently the same thing.

On our way out of the group room, Jeff stopped me at the door. “Hey, wait up. Do you need some smokes to tide you over? Commissary isn’t till Tuesday unless your family is visiting tonight and bringing you some.”

He waited, and I licked my cracked lips, trying to imagine how Milan would play this. That didn’t work. It was impossible to imagine Milan wearing bright yellow sweats and being in a place like that. It lacked context.

“
Uh yeah, thanks,” I said stupidly.”

Jeff flicked his long black hair, which I noticed was kind of dirty but looked good on him, out of his eyes and handed me his half-empty pack and a lighter.

“
Sure, here, you can keep the lighter too. I’ve got another one. So no happy families for you tonight, uhm, Carey. Right, your name’s Carey?”

I nodded, turned bright red and stared at the floor. He smiled, and I saw with shock that he had a dimple too. It seemed kind of mystical.

“
Okay, wow, you’re a quiet girl. That’s a nice change. I’m Jeff. Well you knew that from my whole L.A. Confidential thing, right?”

Oh God, he was so hot and so funny, and I was so not either of those things, but thought I could at least show him my dimple.

If he noticed, he was underwhelmed because he asked me, “So what are you in for? You didn’t say anything in group and you don’t look anorexic.”

I wanted to die. He thought I was fat. All I could do was make a bigger jerk out of myself by starting to cry and running down the hall towards my room, and the worst part was I was wondering if he thought I had a big ass.

He called out to me but he didn’t follow me and, when I got back into my ten by six cell room, I went straight into the adjoining bathroom and pulled out one of the cigarettes. Smoking was something I knew made people thinner. The cigarette made me sick, and I leaned over the toilet and threw up. If every cigarette did that, then smoking really would make people thin, but unfortunately that is a short term starter’s effect.

After vomiting, I finally wanted a shower, and I don’t know, maybe it was seeing my little stumpy naked body in the mirror, with a roll of baby fat hanging over my insulin pack, or maybe it was the insulin pack, or probably it was where I was - it doesn’t really matter now, obviously - but whatever made me do it, I don’t think there was some big impulse, just a little one to go to sleep and hopefully make my mother feel like shit at the same time.

I picked up my toothbrush and sat down on the toilet. I had seen a prison movie with Milan and Christy and I knew what to do. I took out Jeff’s lighter and held it to the end of the toothbrush. It took a while because I kept burning my fingers, but eventually I got it right and, when the end of the toothbrush was a sharp point, I took it into the shower with me.

There are no locks on the doors at rehab, and if there had been, I don’t know if I would have locked it anyway since I wasn’t totally committed to being dead, just to making a statement of some kind. I squeezed my eyes shut and pressed down deep on my left wrist until I opened it up. It hurt like fucking hell, a lot more than I had been expecting, so I turned the cold water on and held my wrist under it.

It felt better and the sight of my bright red blood running in pink streams down the drain made me happy in a weird way, made me feel real. In therapy speak, cutting yourself open is a proactive way of handling internal pain.

I guess that could be true.

I don’t know but it didn’t turn me into a cutter or anything. It was a one-time deal. I don’t like scars and, since that time, I have had to wear bracelets and oversized watches.

It was easier with my right wrist, and after that I got dizzy and slid down the wall and rolled over onto my side.

My stupid insulin beeper started going off. I guess all my defective blood leaking out made my sugar levels really low. Anyhow, it was my beeper that alerted the nurse in the hallway.

There is a lot of irony in being me and I try to roll with it. So, finding out the next day that they had been planning on releasing me, but were now keeping me for a thirty day psychiatric review, was kind of funny.

As long as they kept the Klonopin rolling, I could even laugh about it.

Later on it became part of my madcap 'heir head' legend, the crazy blond Carey whose mother accidentally locked her up in rehab, and she tried to kill herself and ended locked up for real. I made sure no one laughed harder than me when the story got told and retold at school, and was later leaked into the papers.

The whole sliced wrist thing ended up working out okay because, since I was officially crazy and had the bandaged wrists to prove it, I could share honestly in group and hold my head up with the other crazies.

Jeff eyed me with new interest. I think he felt like maybe he had contributed to my actions, and every guy loves thinking he has that kind of power over a girl, so he paid me a ton of attention and our asshole counselor even assigned him as my ward buddy, someone to teach me the ropes.

Nobody thought it was weird when we would meet in the lounge at night to sit side-by-side watching old movies and holding hands. The nurses even thought it was cute how he would walk me back to my room late at night. “Ahh, isn’t he a little gentleman?” After a few nights of this, they were relaxed enough to stop watching us closely and, one night, Jeff just followed me right back into my room.

I loved having him lying beside me on the bed, holding me and telling me I was pretty. When his hand moved down my back and strayed to the top of my panties, and the hated blood pack, I grabbed his wrist and put it on my small breasts instead and started frantically kissing him.

Understandably, he mistook my embarrassment for passion, and in a few seconds flat had shoved my panties to my knees and wriggled around with his face all twisted up, and shoved on a little further until he was inside me. It hurt, not as bad as tooth brushing my wrists had, but it still hurt. I tried to shift away and he pressed down harder and, about two seconds later, panted out my name. His breath in my face was rank and I turned my head, so he kissed my ear, and rolled off me.