Authors: Lindsay McKenna
Studying her, he shrugged. “It’s made me who I am today, Lia. I know I’m far from perfect, but I like who I’ve become over time. Chief Jacoby was the father I wished I had—I just got him later in my life, but he came in at the right time and helped turn me around. I was a pretty angry young man when I became a SEAL. I was a loner, a fighter and had tons of anger stuffed inside me.” He held up his hand. “Jacoby got the anger out of me with martial arts and Krav Maga. He taught me discipline and probably most important, patience.”
“He saw the good in you, Cav. He saw your heart, the fine person that you are.”
“It was a damned good thing he did, because I was a willful, wayward kid just looking to find someone to hurt. I realize now it was all that stored but misplaced anger toward my old man.”
“Anyone would have those feelings with someone like him,” she replied, urgency in her voice. “He abused you and your mother all the time.”
Straightening, he studied her. “Thankfully, those days are gone, Lia. Jacoby taught me to look at what was good in my life, and that was my mother. Now, when I start going down that rabbit hole of hatred for my old man, I switch to her. I think about the good times we had together. The laughter we shared, and how she held me when I was hurting.” He looked sad for a moment. “But she never had anyone to hold her after he’d beat the shit out of her. I didn’t dare go care for her or my old man would come after me…”
Lia got up and moved over to Cav, kneeling beside him and sliding her arm around his broad, capable shoulders. She wrapped her arms around him resting her brow against his “She had you to support her, and I know how much that meant to her. You loved her and showed her your love. Do you know how important that was to her, Cav? I do.”
He absorbed her words, and the soft press of her breasts against him. “Come here,” he rasped, lifting her and settling her across his lap. “I want to hold you and kiss you…now.”
L
ia whispered Cav’s
name, framing his face with her hands, leaning forward and upward, taking his mouth with all the love she held for him. She heard him groan, felt his hands grip her shoulder more firmly, holding her there, hungrily seeking her mouth. If there was ever a time to cross that great divide between her mind and heart with Cav, it was now.
As she eased away slightly, her heart beating double time, he loosened his grip on her shoulder, allowing her to lean against him. Lia reached out, tenderly touching his flushed face, feeling the intensity of his need.
“You’ve been so patient,” she whispered unsteadily. “Thank you for giving me the time…the space, Cav. I know I’ve tied you in knots. I know how much you want to love me.”
She allowed her hand to rest against his powerful chest, feeling the thud of his heart beneath her palm. “I’m ready now. I’m scared, but I’m ready because I’m falling in love with you…”
She saw his eyes widen with surprise, and then relief.
“I’ve been falling in love with you from the day I met you,” he admitted hoarsely.
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
Lia laughed awkwardly, allowing her hands to rest on his chest, loving this connection with Cav, his large hands so warm and comforting to her now. “You know, looking back on it,” she admitted, “The moment I saw you I was so drawn to you, Cav. It scared me to death. I’d never been attracted to a man like that. Not ever.”
He released her, enclosing her hands with his own. “You’ve been on one hell of a journey with me, Lia. I know we haven’t had a lot of quality time together. But look where we are now.”
“I know,” she said, holding his soft gaze. “And these last few months together have helped me so much, shown me so much about myself, and about you.”
“I was hoping it would.” He placed his hand over hers.
She looked down at their hands for a moment, and then began to tell him about her talk with Dilara on the porch swing. When she finished, she added, “I remember you saying how much Chief Jacoby helped you, showed you that a family could be a happy, healthy thing in your life. Dilara did the same with me, only it was about the wounds, the scars we all carry.”
Silently, Cav blessed Dilara. “How did it help you, Lia?”
She took a ragged breath and whispered, “I’m ready to make love with you, Cav. I’ve been wanting to for the longest time, but I was so scared.”
He nodded, his hands grasping hers tightly. “I kind of figured that. The more I got to know you, the more I realized you were still battling the trauma from five years ago.”
She squeezed his hand to let him know how much she appreciated his patience. “But instead of pushing or crowding me, you stepped back and gave me the room I needed to figure it all out. I’ve never met a man like you, Cav. You gave me permission to honestly relax in your presence, to take things as they naturally unfolded between us.”
He shook his head. “You’re worth any kind of wait, Lia. I’m not going anywhere, and I’m fine giving you whatever it is that you need. Because…”
Because he loved her. It was there, hanging gently suspended between them. Lia felt her heart wrench. “You had so much more to overcome than I ever did, Cav. I see that now. And you’re a powerful role model for me to get over this wound that’s kept me from ever wanting to reach out to someone again…”
Pushing a few curled strands away from her temple, she whispered, “I want to go home with you, but I’ll need your help, Cav.” She touched her belly region, placing her hand over it. “My worst scar…the one that Manuel freaked out on…is right here.” She felt her fear rising again anxious that he would be disgusted once he saw it.
“Then,” he said evenly, his gaze steady, “I’ll let you show it to me when you’re ready. I know this is hard for you, Lia. And honestly, I don’t care what it looks like. It’s part of someone I care for, so it’s all beautiful to me.”
She felt tears rush to her eyes. Cav was utterly sincere, his hands warm and firm around hers. “I-I know that. I mean, my head knows it.”
“I can feel you already starting to close up on me, Lia,” he said quietly. “And you don’t need to. You know that now. I don’t pay any attention to your other scars. Does it make me angry that you were hurt like this? Hell, yes. But I’m not going to let those wounds keep me from you.”
He released her hand and gently brushed his fingers between her breasts. “It’s your heart that I love. And your heart is you. That’s all that matters to me.”
Relief sped through her and she released a rough breath. “You’ve told me that before. And I know you’re being honest. I just have to get Manuel’s reactions out of my way.”
“Well,” Cav said, amused, “I believe it’s time he stopped standing between us. How much power are you giving this guy, Lia? Isn’t what we’ve shared so far miles away from what you had with him? I’ve watched you grow, opening and trusting me more and more over time. That tells me that what we have is solid. Special. We do trust one another. I know you see that.”
Managing a small half smile, she whispered, “You’re right. When we get home I want to show you that scar.”
She was as good as her word. When they arrived back at her apartment, Lia went into the bathroom to get a shower. When she walked out of the shower she wore a pink towel wrapped around her upper body. Her hand clenched the two ends between her breasts.
They had agreed to go to her condo after returning from the horseback ride, stopping on the way home at a diner for an early dinner.
Cav had watched Lia wrestle with her decision, ached for her, wanted to help, but knew this was a path she had to walk alone. His role was as cheerleader and supporter, giving her the confidence she desperately needed to do this.
Now, as she slowly walked toward him where he sat on the edge of the king-sized bed, still dressed, he held her eyes, pouring all his love out to her. He smiled at her bare feet, those small, delicate toes and her slender legs that remained hidden from her knees upward. The late afternoon sunlight slanted through the opened drapes, the more diaphanous, cream colored ones diffusing the light.
“You look like a beautiful goddess transported from Mount Olympus, down through a shaft of light, coming to see her mortal lover,” he teased. Cav instantly saw his words had a powerful affect on Lia. She relaxed her hands, her knuckles returned to their normal pink color, and she relaxed her grip on the towel.
“That’s a beautiful way to see me,” she admitted, her voice almost a whisper. She came and stood hesitantly within an arm’s length of him.
“Well,” he murmured, lifting his hand, moving it down her moist upper arm, “you will always be that young, gorgeous goddess in my eyes and heart.” He felt such chaotic emotions around Lia, felt her waffling, torn and afraid. Yet, also wanting to trust him. He suddenly had an insight. “Hey, let’s make this easy on you.”?” he rasped, His hand moved slowly up and down on the scar on her outer arm that was nearly three inches long where his fingers were resting.
“How?” she choked.
“Come lie on the bed and close your eyes. Let me run my hands over each of the scars that are visible, the ones you don’t worry about. See how that feels to you.”
Cav knew this was called “desensitizing” a person. And he’d been deliberately doing this to Lia from the beginning. When he’d first touched the left side of her face, she’d jerked away. Now, he could touch it with no reaction from her. Being able to show her how far she’d come already, he hoped, would take her the rest of the way with the last scar, now covered by the towel.
“That’s a good idea,” she finally breathed, nodding.
Cav moved aside, allowing her to lie on her back. He watched her keep the towel draped to hide her torso, her hand trembling. Calmly, he sat down, his hip brushing against her calf.
“Good,” he soothed. “Now, close your eyes. I’m not going to do anything before I tell you what I’m going to do first. And I won’t do it until you tell me it’s all right, okay?”
She licked her lips nervously but managed a nod.
“Good,” he soothed. “Close your eyes, baby. Just trust me.”
Lia tried to be brave and to cling to his warm, hazel gaze. She saw the tenderness burning in his eyes, and also noted how relaxed he was. And that helped her relax, too.
“Okay,” she whispered, “let’s just get this over with.”
He chuckled quietly, his hands on his thighs. “You make it sound like you’re in the dentist’s chair.”
That got a small smile out of her. Cav knew he could tease and coax her with his voice, his humor. It had always worked in the past and he saw it working now.
Her hand stopped moving restively against her stomach and lay across her. She was still protecting that region.
“You’re right. I’m closing my eyes now.”
“You’re so brave,” he said. “And that’s what is going to make this easier than you think, Lia. I’m going to lay my hand on your right arm, over your scar. Ready?”
She licked her lips and nodded. “Yes…go ahead.”
Cav allowed his fingers to trail the length of the scar, watching her face. She’d closed her eyes and scrunched them shut. With each gentle stroke, he saw her face relax. For the next few minutes, he caressed each scar. And each time, Lia relaxed more.
He could feel the trust simmering between them; feel her wanting so desperately to let herself be free of the past.
Finally, he said, “I’m going to lay my hand on top of your hand that’s over your stomach. Are you ready?” He saw a slight wrinkle form on her brow, but she opened her hand from the fist that it had been in, trying to relax.
“Yes,” she whispered shakily. “Go ahead…”
Cav laid his hand over hers. Even now, with the towel as a barrier, he knew he was touching some parts of that scar. Feeling her tense, he whispered, “It’s all right, Lia. You’re safe here with me. Let the heat of my hand relax you…”
And he saw his low, gruff tone create a small miracle as she did exactly that. Cav waited, allowing all that tension dissolve. He didn’t move his hand. He remained still, giving Lia time to adjust to his physical touch on that hidden scar.
“You’re doing well,” he encouraged her.
Lia whispered, “It’s a step…”
“A good one. Now? Will you pick up my hand and gently place it against your belly with the towel in place? Can you do that for me?”
Cav watched Lia hesitate, but then she pulled her hand free of his and allowed it to rest against the towel. He loved her so damned much for that act of bravery. And he was so proud of her because he could feel how much she loved him.
“Good,” he crooned. “Now, I’m going to just let my hand rest here until you’re okay with it.” He saw her nod, felt her trying to relax. The towel was thick and fluffy, but he knew his hand completely covered the scar over her belly region because it was so large.
Cav couldn’t feel anything with the towel as a barrier. “Now,” he said, “let me gently move my hand across your belly back and forth a little, just getting me familiar with being there.”
“Yes,” she breathed, opening her eyes. “This isn’t as bad as I thought it would be,” she admitted.
Smiling a little, Cav began to lightly move his hand across that portion of her, feeling the soft roundness of her belly. “In awhile, after you realize it’s like all the rest of your scars, it won’t bother you at all,” he promised. He could see in her eyes how much she wanted to believe him.
It took another five minutes for Lia to fully relax. More and more, she trusted him and he was moving closer and closer to asking her to let him remove the towel, to actually place his hand over the scar itself. Would she allow it? Or was this is far as Lia could go?
Cav wasn’t sure. He just knew he wasn’t going to force her. She had to truly want him to touch her and see it.
“You’re doing so well,” he praised her, his voice low. He stilled his hand. “Want to go the last mile with me, Lia? Can I open up that towel and place my hand over it again?”
Cav’s breath hitched because he felt her tense.
“Y-yes, go ahead,” she whispered raggedly. She took her hand and placed it against her throat, as if to steel herself against her fears.
“This isn’t going to be anything to write home about,” he said. Instead of pulling the towel open, Cav simply slid his hand between the folds, leaving them in place. Her flesh was still moist from the shower as he skimmed her belly with his hand. There was a scar there, no question, and he lay his palm against it, allowing her to adjust to the physical contact.