“RED RUM, RED RUM!” the lobster advised.
“Okay. I’m waking up now.”
“HELTER SKELTER!” the lobster maintained.
__________
Atomik Lad’s eyes opened groggily in the darkness which turned out to be very unquiet and nonstill in his general vicinity as a spider was violently thrusting its legs against his cheek. “I’m so glad that this is yet another dream, because the thought of a spider on my face would make me flip out in a very embarrassing way.”
“Do not taunt me, vile Anti-Arachnor! Though I may be but one spider, I refuse to walk silently into death. You’ll have to drag me into the Depths as I strangle you with my final breath!”
“A talking spider,” he smiled to himself. “I wonder where my subconscious picked that up.”
“I will not be mocked by the likes of you!”
“I remember something from the other night. The storage closet. But those couldn’t have really been talking spiders in there.”
“Insult me no more, beast! Destroy me and complete the circle of your corruption!” Anne skittered down to his chest and held out several of her legs in an act of submission. “You have taken my people and shattered them in mind, body, and soul. Now I am the last, our bloody wars finally at an end. With only rage in my heart, I vowed to take vengeance upon you in the names of all our dead.” Her fervor disappeared, replaced with sullen tones. “But in my quest, I have come to face a horrid truth.”
“I think I want the lobster back.”
“My people were divided into two opposing camps, two schools of thought, each meant to reunite us but serving only to splinter us forever. I am the only survivor of this eternal conflict, thus one ideology finally proved its worth over the other.” Anne fidgeted nervously. “But I must confess, I do not know which one.”
“Yours,” Atomik Lad answered with a yawn.
“That’s just it. We haven’t known which side we fought for, not for generations, I believe. We only knew the Other was the Enemy and they were a constant threat to our way of life because they were different. But which faction defended which theory of Spiderversal Complementation, I cannot answer.” Her many shoulders slumped. “We placed all we knew to be evil on you, but it was truly within ourselves.”
Atomik Lad slipped out of the covers and stretched. “Sounds like an identity crisis.” He scratched his belly. “Which I suppose I can understand. I lost my parents so long ago, and then I had to grow up at light speed to take care of Nuke and defend the city against constant villain attacks. There never really was time to ask myself what I was doing, if I was happy with it, or if it was even the right thing to do. I mean, who am I to say who is a villain? In another world I might be some kind of heartless murdering dictator. Maybe I really am.”
He began pacing back and forth quickly as he talked. “Maybe Menace and the others are trying to effect some much needed social incentives. Maybe I’m hindering progress and in a hundred years me and Nuke will be scorned in history books as forces of rampant and unstoppable evil. I was just a kid, you accept the reality you’re told, how was I supposed to know about all the implications of this hero business? It’s not like that in the comic books. It’s not until you grow up that you learn everyone’s a borderline psycho and there is no right or wrong, only an amorphous gray blob that almost takes a shape when you see it from the corner of your eye but then completely escapes definition when viewed head-on. I’m glad I can help so many people, but I never feel quite right.
“Why me? Why am I the one? It’s not so bad, I guess, but sometimes I’d like to live like other people, in a house. In the city. Go to work. I’m trying to do my best, but what if it isn’t good enough? But even worse, what if I’m wrong?” The pacing stopped. He turned and faced Anne who still sat on the covers. “But the most compelling question this whole episode raises is: Why does my subconscious feel it necessary to bring these issues to light through the mouthpiece of a little spider?”
Anne eyed and eyed and eyed and eyed etc. Atomik Lad. “Wait. You’re not Anti-Arachnor.”
“Hm?”
“The Ancient Texts describe him as being fantastically enormous, whereas you are merely considerably huge.”
Atomik Lad scratched his chin.
“Plus, it specifically mentions that he’s a blond. You are not.”
“So is my subconscious telling me that my issues are really centered on Nuke? That he’s the source of my identity anxiety? That makes sense. When we first met, well that was a rather stressful time in my life, what with my Atomik Field killing my parents and all. Maybe I repressed some memories. I think I read a myth about how spiders spun webs to catch memories and when they ate them, that’s how people forgot things. That could explain why you’re a spider.”
Anne’s Hover Drive had already taken her back to the Danger: Floor. “That’s good. I’m outta here.” The Danger: Door
fwoosh
ed behind her and she was gone.
Atomik Lad flopped back into bed. “My dreams are usually so boring.”
__________
Anne wandered the silvery wasteland of the Danger: Living Room. Time became meaningless as she stalked through the darkness.
My people failed. Their petty arrogance and jealousies fractured them, then set them against one another. Their one great mission for Unity has ended in solitude. Bah! I speak of them as though I am better than they were, as though I am somehow immune to fault because I survived them. I lived because of chance. And my quest, my personal voyage for vengeance ended in miserable failure with some neurotic biped beast god. And yet I followed the paths to the Anti-Arachnor as described in our holy books. I wonder if there ever was an Anti-Arachnor in the first place. Maybe he was only an allegory representing our own shortcomings, selfish impulses, and the like. An over-simplified example of what not to do, how not to behave so we could perpetuate the social order. All our lives wasted maintaining a set of rules we thought we made. I think I’m insane now. Or am I finally sane?
“Oh, Great Arachnor, hear my—no, if the Anti-Arachnor is nothing more than a story to frighten spiderlings into being good little soldiers, then Arachnor is a figment as well. Never again shall I follow ridiculous superstitions. They are stories, and frivolous ones at that.”
With a despondent sigh, she looked into the bleak heavens without actually seeing. She could hardly remember light. Even her life of battle blurred and muddled in her mind; memories mixing, swirling into one another until emptiness filled her as never before. The full realization of the waste of her entire culture delivered such a shock to her system she finally acknowledged what her various sensory inputs were beeping about.
She stood at the feet of two giant statues, each as big as the gods themselves. They both displayed the Anti-Arachnor’s hated symbol on their chests: two parallel upright columns separated and yet joined by a third divisive column diagonal from the head of the first down to the foot of the second. And around that scene of Sundering, orbited the broken tribes of Arachnor, lost and alone yet connected by intertwining threads of suffering and loss.
How they sicken me, wearing those badges so proudly
. “If you indeed be servants to the One Most Foul, then show him to me!” she called up to them.
Silence was their only answer.
“I should have known better than to trust in that religious nonsense. It is a habit I must break.”
Her wanderings went on for hours until she found herself at the cliffs of the Danger: Coffee Table. “So much pointless loss. I can’t make sense of anything any more. What was it all for? Were we merely a mistake upon the webbing of the spiderverse? I can’t believe we have no destined purpose, I just can’t. There must be a plan. If not by Arachnor, then someone, some
thing
greater than myself.” Anne shuddered with sobs. She threw her head back and yelled into the black sky, “Why have you forsaken me!” before succumbing once more to tears.
Nuklear Man startled himself awake as the result of yet another mysterious dream, this one involving scary wolves with coats of fire and snakes big enough to swallow worlds. He rubbed his groggy eyes and turned to the Danger: TV.
A little mind-numbing television oughta stimulate the ol’ brain
, he thought. His vision focused on some teeny movements originating on the Danger: Coffee Table.
“ACK! A bug! Kill it, kill it!” He recoiled from it, covering his eyes with one hand while Plazma Beaming it and the Danger: Coffee Table into oblivion with the other. “Whew. Stupid gross bug. Where there’s one there’s a hun...dred...of.
Them
.” He curled up into a shaking little ball of Nuklear Fright. His eyes darted to and fro locking on to a hundred traces of movement which were all hallucinated. “Bugs, bugs everywhere, on my skin and in my hair!” he chanted in a whisper. “Bugs, bugs everywhere, on my skin and in my hair.” He could feel them closing in. “Sparky?” he whimpered.
__________
Issue 30 – Adventure into Science!
“I think Katkat should come with us,” Nuklear Man suggested over a Danger: Plate of pancakes.
Across the Danger: Kitchen Table, Atomik Lad finished up his waffles. “He’s not really a hero, you know. He has no powers for Überdyne to study.”
“Oh, but I think he does,” the Hero retorted.
“Do ya now?”
Nuklear Man produced the feline and held Katkat up to Atomik Lad’s face. “He’s a supercutie wutie, yes he is. Aren’t you? Aren’t you!”
Atomik Lad sighed and took his Danger: Dishes to the Danger: Sink. “Look, I don’t think Dr. Genius will appreciate us wasting her time on a cat. These appointments cost all kinds of money. Let’s just get in there and get out.”
Nuklear Man had already given up on the laborious task of listening to Atomik Lad babble. He switched his attention to snuggling and belly scratching the much more adorable Katkat. “Glad you agree, it’s a lot easier than beating some sense into you.”
“Erg.”
“Well, not a
lot
easier.”
“Of course.”
“You’re really weak compared to me.”
“Right.”
“Because I’m so much stronger.”
“I got it.”
Atomik Lad rubbed his eyes. “He’s not coming with us, now get going. I’ve got plans for the afternoon.”
“How’s that possible? I don’t recall giving you any tasks to complete.”
“Yes, you see, I’ve got this thing called A Life That Doesn’t Revolve Around You.”
“Hm. Are you sure?”
“Very.”
“I don’t know. That certainly doesn’t sound like an order I’d give. What was the
Authorization Code?”
“Oh geez. I don’t know, how about Alpha-Niner?”
“It’s an older code, but it checks out. Are you sure you’re not picking up those crazy thoughts I keep warning you about? Like free will?”
“Why me?” Atomik Lad asked the universe as he went back to his Danger: Katkat’s Room.
“Sounds like someone is in serious need of a little ‘mind cleansing.’ I’ll make the preparations.” Nuklear Man did nothing. His was a particularly subtle approach to brainwashing. Let the victim think he
thinks
what he thinks.
__________
Dr. Genius stood on the Überdyne Headquarters roof overlooking the majestic Metroville skyline on all sides of her.
9:15, restate my assumptions. 1) Kopelson Intrinsity is the language of the universe. 2) Everything around us can be represented as a field of intrinsity. 3) If you graph these fields, they reach an infinite capacity to hold and transfer information. Therefore: The universe is the expression of that information. If we can learn the syntax of this language, then we can manipulate the universe at the most basic level. So perhaps the miraculous effects caused by overpowers can be explained as a limited version of this manipulation.
The morning sun hung low, casting its diffuse light against the weekend traffic of tourists and sale hunters. The sparse clouds and blue sky sparkled against the austere glass and steel skyscrapers of the city. Dr. Genius took a deep breath, closed her eyes, and stood on her toes. The rims of her glasses glinted as she slid them off to rub her nose. “It’s so peaceful up here.” A buzzer in one of her lab coat’s many internal pockets went off. “Most of the time, anyway.” She turned to Nameless Technician – a man more aptly named would be hard to find – who manned a portable computer console near the access door that led into the Scientific: Depths of Überdyne. “Power up the generators,” she said.
__________
Atomik Lad touched down perfectly beside Dr. Genius. His Atomik Field dispersed harmlessly just before landing. “Hey, Doc.”
She donned a pair of goggles. “Good morning, John. How are you?”
“Not bad, but I wish we could do these things a little later in the afternoon.”
She flicked her head to the right to dislodge a loose curl that was blown against her forehead by the winds that flared up at this height. “As do I, but this is when the Earth’s magnetic force is at its apex in this region, and we need all the juice we can get.”
Nameless Technician yelled,
“Incoming!”
Dr. Genius and Atomik Lad dropped to their stomachs. “I guess it’s just as well,” the sidekick said. “At least this way it leaves the rest of the day open.”
A golden comet rocketed across the Metroville skyline, shattering windows in its wake. It cut ragged turns between skyscrapers and through a few unlucky ones. Air burst into flames at the comet’s tail as it zeroed in on the Überdyne rooftop.
“See,” Ima said while taking readings with a calculator-ish device in one hand. “It’s not so bad. Besides, doing it this way is a lot easier than having to rebuild the top fifteen floors every time he visits.”
The mad comet struck an invisible wall a few feet above Dr. Genius and Atomik Lad. Thin blue threads of energy coursed through the air and wrapped around Nuklear Man, who was still slightly covered by plaster and dust from his shortcut through a couple highrises. Überdyne Headquarters had become the world’s largest bar magnet. It was the safest way to get Nuklear Man into the building since his usual method of landing involved crashing. The energy flickered briefly and faded away. Nuklear Man hovered in place momentarily before collapsing next to Atomik Lad