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- Anorexics feel that their lives are out of control. By not eating, they establish control—

over their bodies.

- Anorexics feel unheard and misunderstood, if you try to change their outlook, even by giving them pep talks, they may feel “talked at.” Empathy works best.

- They also feel lots of shame. About their eating. About their bodies. About all their personal flaws. They need to find out that someone can know the worst about them and still care about them.

- Persistence is important. Recovered anorexics say they appreciate friends and family members who don’t give up.

More later.

Math

Anorexia notes

FACT: Eating disorders are tied to personality types. Esp. obsessive-compulsives (Like MB.)

FACT: Personality traits are partly genetic.

THEREFORE: Eating disorders are partly determined genetically.

Soc. stud.

010

FACT: Under eating can alter brain chemistry. Creates chemicals that give feeling of peace & happiness, makes habit even worse.

FACT: Anorexics are often perfectionists. Always feel inadequate, no mater how well they do. See things in black & white—“thin is good, thinnest is BEST.”

FACT: They may have lots of anger but don’t express it, because they want approval. So the turn the anger inward. Under eating is a form of anger at self.

FACT: They often me from success-orientated, pressured families—with parents who the kid feels are ve

ry critical
.
FA

Lunch

That was not fun. You were almost confiscated in class, Nbook.

But I saved you.

Anyway, here the FACT I was going to mention before I was so rudely

interrupted:

Sometimes a “rigger event” can get an anorexic started.

Like a new, unreasonable demand.

Well, guess what? Maggie Blume has a whole lot of trigger events.

and it’s not only family and school. She totally blew her big chance with her #1

crush, Justin Randall. I’m not entirely sure what happened. I can guess, though. I’m sure it had to do with Maggie’s state of mind. Justin’s a good guy, but how long can he be interested in a girl who’s so hard on herself?

011

I’d be a basket case if this were me,.

I don’t know, Nbook. Maybe the girl’s in more trouble than I thought.

Study hall

Dear Jerk Idiot Hateful Person James,

I don’t know how you managed to open my locker.

I assume you were the one who put the rose petals in my sketchbook.

First of all, I hate red roses.

They’re boring. Plus they stain. And you got them all over the place. In my science textbook. In my sneakers. Everywhere.

If you do that again, I will call the police assistant principal.

You are a monster threat pain in the

Home

3:56 P.M.

I end up not sending the letter.

I show it to Ducky after school. He’s as angry as I am. He can’t believe James is at it again.

But he tells me to work on the text more. He thinks it needs to be nastier.

Ducky hates James. Which makes perfect sense. James disses him all the time.

I will never understand why James does that. I mean, how can anyone diss

Ducky? Because he doesn’t act macho and dress like everyone else? Because he has an outrageous laugh and a wild sense of humour? He is totally adorable—always asking how you are, always trying to help out. So different from James “Enough about you, not let’s discuss how you feel about me” Kodaly.

After school today, for instance, when Ducky sees me walking home, he insists on giving me a ride.

As we drive off, he puts on WPCZ, full blast. We’re both singing along.

Gossiping. Laughing.

I’m feeling so relaxed. Ducky’s putting me at ease. Saying all the fight things.

And then it occurs to me—Maggie should be here. She should be confiding in Ducky, not me.

He knows how to talk. He can as questions without being obnoxious. Give advice without seeming to. Listen and listen and listen as if you are the most important person in the world.

Maybe I’m just the wrong person for Maggie.

I almost tell about Maggie’s problem. But I stop myself.

I can’t. that would be betraying her. Talking behind her back/

She ahs to be the one to approach him.

Ducky stops in front of the house. I invite him inside. I figure, it’s Friday, his parents are still in Ghana, he’s probably facing another night of macaroni & ketchup with his brother. And I’m sure Mami and Papi won’t mind having him over for dinner. Simon Big Tooth Lover Boy freeloads all the time. (OK, he’s Iasbel’s boyfriend, but still.

But Ducky’s face darkens when I ask him to stay. He says he can’t. he had to go to his friend Alex’s. for “damage control.” Meaning Alex is depressed and needs all the friends he can get.

I tell him Alex is lucky to have him as a friend.

Ducky appreciates that. It shows in is face.

Hmm.

What do you think, Nbook.

Me and Ducky?

Nahh.

4:31 P.M.

Maybe.

Nahh.

Nbook, I’m scared. And annoyed.

The first time the phone rings I figure it’s Rico cancelling tomorrow’s rehearsal or something.

When the person on the other end hands up, I don’t think much about it.

The second time it happens, I’m a little creeped.

I mean, it should be no big deal, right. Just a hang-up.

But I’m all alone.

Mami and Papi are at their offices. Isabel’s working at the women’s shelter.

And suddenly I’m running around the house, making sure the doors are locked.

The third time, I’m angry.

I pick it up and yell, “Who is this?”

Then, click.

I slam the phone down and wish we had caller ID.

Then I remember what Isabel does every time she misses a phone call and thinks it was Simon. She presses a code and the phone automatically calls back the person who last reached her.

I try it.

“Hello?”

It’s Marina. (Remember her, Nbook, sister of James and former good friend?) I freeze. I am totally tongue-tied. But not entirely surprised.

I know I should say, “Your brother the jerk is harassing me over the phone again.”

But I don’t want to drag marina into it. He’s practically ruined our friendship.

This would just upset her and make things worse.

So I pretended I just called her casually. I ask if she’s coming to Vanish rehearsal.

“Am I supplied to?” she asks.

“Nope. Just wondering.”

End of conversation. Good-bye, hang up. Nbook, I hate being dishonest.

I stood there forever. I can’t decide wether or not to call her back.

And then the phone rings again.

This time I wait for the answering machine. It picks up after the forth ring.

012

I ignore it.

I run upstairs.

I jump into bed and bury my head under a pillow.

He phone rings again. And again.

Each time, the machine takes it.

Each time, there’s no message.

Sat., 9/26

3:07 P.M.

Rico’s garage

Vanish rehearsal

This is embarrassing.

I’m running around, fixing things, setting up a tape recorder so we can hear what rehearsal sounds like, basically being a good manager. James is the farthest thing from my mind.

And I notice everyone’s laughing at me.

Rico starts playing some dumb song on his guitar. Justin joins in, singing “Tiptoe Through the Tulips.” Bruce picks up the bass, Patti hit the drum set, and Maggie plays along on keyboard.

I think they’ve all gone nuts. Then I look at the floor.

Rose petals are scattered at my feet. They have fallen out of my folder. I must have missed them in my big rose petal cleanup.

I hold in my temper. I calmly pick up the petals. I explain where they came from.

The moment I mention James, everyone reacts angrily.

Patti goes off about “girlfriend abuse.”

Bruce says, “Kicking him out of the group was the best thing we ever did.”

“We should have tarred and feathers him,” Rico declares.

And the weird thing is, I’m relieved. Somewhere in my mind I’ve been thinking they all hate me, not him.

Let’s face it, it’s my fault that Vanish lost a good guitar player.

013

Justin is OK. But he’s still learning. And, as much as I hate to admit it, I don’t think he has James’s talent.

“We sound better without James,” Patti is saying.

Everyone agrees.

And I don’t agree.

VANISH 9/26, 5:00

014

Nbook, I can’t watch this.

Home

10:57 P.M.

I try to talk to Maggie after rehearsal. But Bruce and Rico pull me aside.

015

What is this, Nbook?

Like I really need this? I’m so fragile I need protection?

Please.

You know what? It’s not just James I’m sick of.

It’s guys in general.

Sunday, 9/27

6:23 P.M.

FURTHER NOTES ON GUYS & UNTRUST-WORTHINESS

Just random, unscientific observations. not to be made public.

- They say “talk” when they mean “threaten.”

- They hate to cry. (How can you trust someone who won’t cry?)

- Everything is a contest. Even relationships.

- If they think they’re losing, they either bail out or make you think that you did something wrong.

- “Giving” meant “expecting something in return.”

- “Sympathising” means “looking for an excuse to play hero.”

Okay, not all guys are like this.

Ducky’s not.

But he doesn’t count. He’s an exception.

From this moment on, Nbook, I am declaring a new policy.

No More Guys.

I hereby swear off them.

Forever.

Monday, 9/28

8:01 A.M.

Great news.

Dawn calls me at 7:45. She’s all breathless.

Maggie finally called her last night. Phoned her out of the blue.

She told Dawn everything. The eating problem. Her mom an the statue. The

pressures.

Plus, Maggie admitted that she’s talked to me too. She swore Dawn to secrecy, but she doesn’t mind if Dawn and I discuss her problem. “Let’s just keep it in the family,”

she tells Dawn.

Family.

I guess that’s what we are.

Families care. Stick together. Support and love each other.

She’s reaching out, Nbook.

I’m not the only one anymore.

WHAT

A

RELIEF!

Dawn’s pretty upset, thought. She’s already suspected Maggie had a problem, but you know DAWN. Always looking on the bright side. She figures it was just a diet that went on too long.

I spent a lot of time telling her what I’ve learned about anorexics.

We talk about ways to help Maggie, but we don’t get too far because we both have to leave.

But I finally feel like I’m doing something useful.

Homeroom

Dawn’s call made me late. I rush into homeroom. Mr. Leavitt’s back is turned, so I tried to slide into my seat. Only this is sitting here.

016

You’re in my seat!” I whispered harshly.

The guy looked startled.

I’ve never seen him before.

He’s kind of cute. His eyes are so green.

Mr. Leavitt turns around and says, “Ah, Amalia. Our last guest. The party can begin.”

I hate sarcastic teachers.

“Sorry,” the guy with the eyes says. He’s fumbling with his stuff, gathering it up.

“I’ll move.”

Now I feel awful. I’ll tell him to stay put. It’s OK. I sit in back, near Cece.

I’m sure the guy hates me now. Some introduction to Palo City hospitality.

Mr. Leavitt has just welcomed New Boy.

He’s Brendan Jones. Formally of Short Hills, new Jersey.

Cool name. (Brendan, not Short Hills.)

He seems pretty quiet.

Cece passes me a note. Three words: BRENDAN = CUTE + MYSTERIOUS.

I give her a look.

She scribbles another one: WEIRD TIME TO SWITCH SCHOOLS, ISN’T IT?

PEOPLE MOVE AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SCHOOL YEAR.

To tell the truth, I hadn’t even thought of that. And who cares?

Typical Cece comment. A mountain out of a molehill.

Personally, I think she’s hot for the guy.

C-

Maybe his family had trouble getting here.

017

Soc. Stud.

I never send Cece the note. The homeroom bell rings too soon.

I’m feeling guilty about yelling at Brendan, so I decide to apologise to him.

But I’m too late.

Rowena Frank had gotten there first. And she’s yapping away: “As your student government president and cool-girl wanna-be, I’m supposed to show you around and impress you...”

Well, something like that.

She walks confidently out of the classroom. Brendan trails behind.

Cece and I are trying not to laugh as we leave the room.

Then I see James.

He’s standing in the shadow of the lockers. Staring at me. Not even smiling.

Cece and I stop laughing. We walk past him.

So now I’m thinking Is he mad? Did something happen? Did Rico or Bruce “talk to him”? Did they say something stupid?

Do I need to be careful?

018

Math

Just back from lunch.

Got 2 write fast. Ms. Sevekow on warpath.

Dawn & I met Maggie on lunch line.

We’re picking out food. D & I keeping out mouths shut. No pressure for M.

M is having rough time. Takes salad from rack but brushes off egg slice & avocado. Reaches for roll, puts it back. Eyes the granola bars but doesn’t even try.

M notices we’re looking at her. Smiles & turns red.

D says the veggie sandwich is good. M stares at it for second & says, “I’ll try it.”

We all leave the line. Sit.

D & I eat. M looks tense. Takes a bite of sandwich and makes a face. As if she just bit into a mouse tail.

“There’s mayonnaise,” she said.

We say oh.

She shrugs.

We shrug.

No one knows what to say next.

Finally M breaks into a big, embarrassed smile. “Sorry, guys. This is hard.” This meaning eating.