“It’s such a beautiful colour.” She murmured. The green was vivid, like a dappled spring forest leaf. It brought out the best in her hair.
“It suits you.” He opened the third box and pulled out loop after loop of polished leather that was about the width of her hand.
“What’s that for?” She asked curiously and he circled her once
, before falling to his knees before her.
“Gift wrapping.”
He said drily. “Hold your arms up and be still kitten.”
He measured out the middle of the leather and began to wrap it around her, starting from just beneath her breasts and methodically layering it down the length of her torso. After a few moments, Noelle laced her fingers at the nape of her neck and closed her eyes, losing herself in the music and the sensation. It was peaceful to be dressed in such a way, being carefully wrapped as though each inch of her was precious. He was wrapping it tightly too, as though it was an external corset. The leather was soft and pliable
, but it wove a rigid cage around her that was as comforting as it was noticeable. It reminded her of being tied to the table...secure, fragile, valuable. He
was
gift-wrapping her. He was doing it as a gift to himself, and in a way it gave her a powerful sense of belonging. As long as she was wrapped and safe within his presence, there was nothing that could touch her.
He worked in silence, the music flowing seamlessly around them. Noelle felt almost in a meditative state
, when she realised he was no longer moving. Opening her eyes, she realised he had finished the wrapping with a gold clip and was simply kneeling with his forehead resting against the bindings.
“Gabriel?” She lowered her hands and ran them through his hair, cupping his head to her gently. “Are you alright?”
“I don’t deserve you.” He murmured, so quietly she almost didn’t hear it over the music.
“What makes you think that?” She asked carefully and he looked up at her with so much raw pain on his face that she felt flayed
to the soul by the emotion of it.
“You don’t deserve a man that wants to break you.” His voice was thick and choked with feeling and she leaned down to look right in his eyes.
“Everyone deserves a second chance Gabriel.” She said firmly. “You won’t break me. I’m a lot stronger than you give me credit for.”
“I hope so.” His eyes were haunted and it hurt to gaze into them. Swallowing the lump in her throat, she kissed his forehead. It cut her to the bone that someone had damaged this amazing man so profoundly.
“I know so.” She said firmly. “Thank you for the dress. And for the experience. It is...was beautiful.”
“I’m not done yet.” His eyes were still lost, but a ghost of his usual smile touched his lips as he rose once more to fetch the last box.
“No outfit would be complete without shoes.” Setting it by her feet, he lifted the lid away to reveal a pair of knee length leather boots with a small wedge heel. They were exactly the same colour as the leather of the binding and she smiled as she allowed him to pull them on and zip them up.
“They’re gorgeous.” She exclaimed, genuinely meaning it. If she’d been choosing shoes for herself
, she couldn’t have found any that were more perfect than these.
“I’m glad you like them.” He sat back on his heels and looked up at her. “What do you think of the outfit?”
“I love it.” She truly did. “I look like a warrior princess. All I need is a bow and arrow and I’ll be like a dryad defending the forest.”
He burst out laughing.
“Now that you mention it, yes. I can see where you’re coming from. But you like it?”
“Yes, I do.” She ran her hands down the neat layers of leather corseting her body, liking the way the supple
material felt beneath her finger tips. “It’s like nothing I’ve ever worn before.”
“Would you wear it again?” If she didn’t know better
, she’d have thought he was holding his breath as he waited for the answer.
“Of course.”
She turned to the side, noticing how it made the most of her small waist while letting the silk flare out over her hips. To make him smile, she rapped her knuckles on the leather. “I’d take this over Spanx any day.” She put on a cheesy advertisers voice. “Smoothing out those unwanted post Christmas pounds the warrior’s way...”
“You don’t have any extra pounds.” His brows drew down in a frown. “You’re perfect.”
“I’m glad you think so.” She blushed at the compliment, even as she sighed inwardly that he’d missed the joke. She held her hands out to him and he surged upright to envelop her in a hug.
“I’m glad you like it.” She could hear the amusement in his voice. “I was hoping you’d let me dress you like this for the concert. I got the silk in three different colours.”
“I’d like that.” She both loved and hated that he was so generous. It was hard not to be grateful and overwhelmed for the things he gave her, but she couldn’t silence the small voice in her mind that said she was getting far more out of the relationship than he was. Shaking it off, she thought about the concert. “I never got a mask.” She realised out loud and he chuckled.
“I did. It matches the belt
, but you can’t have it yet. I want it to be a surprise.”
She snickered softly with laughter. “Gabriel, every day with you is a surprise.”
“Then I’m obviously doing it right.” He scooped her up and spun around the floor with her in time to the music as she laughed out loud.
They opened their presents over breakfast, laughing at each other’s antics. Noelle had made smoked salmon and scrambled eggs and Gabriel kept refusing to put his knife and fork down to open gifts. They were running so late that he had to rush through getting changed for them to make it to church in time for the morning service at eleven.
“You look beautiful today Miss Winters.” The pastor said kindly as they stepped out of the church after the service. “It’s wonderful to see two young people so clearly in love.”
She flushed crimson. “It’s still early days father.” She replied shyly. “We’ve only been dating a few weeks.”
“Sometimes it only takes a second.” He squeezed her shoulder. “Happy Christmas Miss Winters.”
“And to you.”
She ducked her head shyly and felt Gabriel take her hand.
“Happy Christmas father.”
They smiled at each other and then he led her away and home.
They spent a quiet couple of days together, messing around but mostly just being comfortable in each other’s company. The father’s words played heavily on Noelle’s mind. Was she in love with Gabriel? It was hard to know.
She felt so many things when she thought about him, but first and foremost was probably confusion. Her inarticulate shame at the things they did together warred with the sweetness of his nature outside the bedroom. She felt angry at herself for feeling shamed, but at the same time she couldn’t understand his attitude towards it. She was still conflicted over the conversation they’d had on Christmas Eve. How could he preach such morally subversive ideas and still consider himself a man of faith?
A couple of hours on the laptop
, while he was in the music room rehearsing with his band a few days after Christmas, opened her up to the concept of cognitive dissonance...the absolute belief in two opposing premises. It was a fascinating idea and she spent a long time reading through case studies and theories about the psychology of it. It bothered her more than she’d care to admit that it was so common in instances of domestic abuse. For the first time she tried to look at their relationship in an analytical light. Was it wrong? For all the fear she felt at times in the play room, she left feeling grateful that he’d pushed her boundaries. She was learning things about herself that she’d never have known otherwise. The depths of her inner strength seemed to astonish her more every day. He hadn’t yet pushed her further than she was prepared to go.
And t
herein lay the bottomless pit of her fear. How far would she let him go? She had no idea where the line lay that she wasn’t prepared to step over. Two weeks ago she would have died of mortification if someone had told her what he was going to do to her on that table. She wasn’t entirely sure she’d enjoyed it. She still couldn’t even say it – the very thought made her cheeks flame and her insides squirm with something unnameable. Something, once experienced, can’t be ‘unexperienced’. Would she let him do something, thinking she was strong enough to take it, only to regret it afterwards when she felt she couldn’t live with the wildness of her actions? Her uncertainty was eating away at her soul and she didn’t know what to do about it.
The night before New Year’s Eve, they lay in bed talking. “You seem quiet.” He commented, stretching out in the sheets like a tiger, all long lines and dangerous grace. “What’s up?”
“I don’t know that I can do this.”
She blurted out. The soft strains of Allegri’s Miserere haunted the air between them as Noelle laid her head on his stomach and stared at the ceiling. “I don’t know where to draw the line...where this stops at domination and becomes abuse.”
“Isn’t one a causative agent of the other?” He lifted a strand of her hair and coiled it gently between his fingers. “Why draw a line when both are at play? It’s not the acts themselves; it’s the intent of the participants.”
“Define ‘intent’.” She closed her eyes and let the music wash over her.
“The only weapon we have against the destructive nature of who I am is honesty.” He admitted. “I’m honest in that I know what I do. I understand the darkness. I know why it makes me feel the way that it does. You are honest in that you are prepared to explore this with me, but that’s all it is to you.
An exploration. I don’t know that you’re entirely honest in your reasons for wanting to explore it. I don’t know if you think you can fix me...if you think that throwing enough love at me will make me stop wanting to dominate you. In the end it comes down to the intent. As long as you continue to walk into this with your eyes wide open and be honest with both of us about where the boundaries of your submission lie, as long as you continue to want to explore, then it’s twisted and fucked up, but it’s okay.”
“I know I can’t fix you.” She caught the hand playing with her hair and held it to her heart. “I know you’re too damaged. I’m not even sure that I believe in redemption anymore.”
“So why do you do it?”
“Because part of me can’t let go of Christmas morning...can’t accept that somewhere inside you there’s gentleness and you just can’t bring yourself to use it.” She felt her eyes pricking with tears. “That was probably the most honest moment we’ve shared and I can’t bring myself to stop looking for it again.”
“What’s changed?” He asked softly. “It’s not Christmas morning...you only changed a few days ago.”
The fact that he could read her so well made it worse. “It was our discussion about God.” She admitted eventually. “I was trying to understand you. I was reading articles online and came across a load of stuff on cognitive dissonance. It scared me because a lot of it was in relation to domestic abuse.
I suddenly realised that I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here.” She closed her eyes. “Gabriel, you say that for this to work I need to be honest about where the boundaries of my submission lie. The truth is that I don’t know. I never have known. I don’t even know how to judge what is and isn’t a boundary, let alone where they are. I’m flying in the dark here and I’m terrified.”
“Do you trust me?”
“That’s not the point.” She struggled to find the words to make him understand. “I trust you. I just don’t trust myself. I didn’t know I had a propensity for submission. I’m questioning everything that passes between us because I don’t understand it.”
“Love is the greatest of mysteries.” He shrugged. “I don’t think anyone understands it. By its very nature it defies understanding.”
“How can this be love Gabriel?” She rolled over to look at him. “It’s only been a month.”
“I knew you were special the moment I laid eyes on you.” He gave her an easy smile.
“What is love if it isn’t that special connection between two people? Besides, I thought we’d had a discussion on the issue of love just being a label?”
“Love is a concept of everlasting.” She frowned. “A spark between two people is chemistry...
it’s lust. It’s here today and gone tomorrow, with nothing to show for it but scars.”
“You think I will scar you?” He seemed surprised.
“No.” She felt the first tears escaping. “I’m scared that I’ll want you to. I hate that I hope for gentleness, but I fear losing all hope.”
“Come here.” Strong hands pulled her up to lie on top of him in a steady embrace. “Why are you crying? Do I scare you that much?”
“I think I need to go home for a couple of days. Get my head together.” She snuffled. “I know I said you couldn’t break me, but every now and then I need to remind myself where the ground is.”
“You want to go home?” He felt like the air had been sucked out of his lungs.
“Just for a day or two.” She smiled despite herself at the panic in his voice. “I’ll come back. I just need to think, without you overwhelming me with your intensity.” She propped her chin up on his chest. “Gabriel, don’t you think it’s weird that I’m practically living here after such a short time? Doesn’t this intensity strike you as being a little too much?”