“What the fuck were you thinking?!” Noelle surfaced slowly as Jax roared into the room.
“What’s wrong with her?” Gabriel sounded terrified.
“You’ve beaten her right into subspace. You’re a fucking idiot. This is Noelle. Noelle! How could you? She’s a school teacher. Not one of your pathetic little pain sluts.” Arms slid around her.
“Noelle honey?” Fingers feathered across her face and she smiled, instinctively leaning into the sensation. “Sweetie can you hear me?” She tried to say something, but her lips seemed to belong to someone else. “She’s too deep. I’m taking her to mine.” There was a jerk and Jax growled. “Don’t you fucking dare!” He snarled. “You did this to her.” The ground fell away and Noelle was flying again.
The next time she surfaced, she found herself in an unfamiliar room.
“Are you awake?” Jax sounded exhausted and she startled, realising she was lying cuddled up
in his lap on a sofa she’d never seen before.
“Where am I?” She blinked. “What happened?”
“You’re at my house.” He explained slowly. “How lucid are you?”
“Lucid?” She blinked. What the hell had happened? “I’m okay.
Tired and confused, but okay.”
“Then we need to get you in the bath
, before you stiffen up and bruise. At least your words aren’t slurring any more. I’ll explain everything when we’re there.” She winced as he shifted her to the side, gasping as pain flared in her thighs. “I’m sorry.” He moved as gently as he could. “I’ll get you some aspirin too.”
He returned five minutes later and roused her from her doze. “Thanks.” She accepted the tablets and glass he held out to her, painfully aware that she appeared to be naked underneath the blanket.
“Don’t try and get up.” He easily lifted her, the cords in his neck standing out as he brought her up to his chest. “This is going to be slightly awkward, but I need to be with you. It’s too soon to let you bathe by yourself. I don’t want you to drown.”
Certain she was misunderstanding him, she frowned. “You want to watch me bathe?”
He blew out a laugh, setting her bouncing against his chest. “Believe me, I’d rather bathe with you under any circumstances other than these.” He pushed through into a bathroom filled with steam. “Let go of the blanket. You can trust me Noelle. I just want to do what’s right for you.”
Uncertainly
she hesitated, but the look in his eyes was genuine concern and she reluctantly released her grip on the blanket. With clinical detachment, he removed it from around her without jostling her too much and then lowered her into the warm water. She cried out as her skin flared in agony.
“I’m sorry. I couldn’t make it any cooler.” Distressed, he set her down in the bathtub.
“It’ll ease off soon, just hang in there.” He scooped a hand under her leg and massaged her calf. “You’re going to be sore for a few days.” He warned, soothing the ache out of the muscle before he moved onto the other one.
“What happened?” She ached everywhere, despite the magic his hands were working on her legs.
“Gabriel got carried away. He pushed you into subspace.”
“What’s subspace?” She stared at him as he tried to think of a way to explain it.
“It’s pretty rare. It’s a transcendental state some submissives get into during a session. I don’t understand the exact mechanics of it, but from what I’ve read, the mix of pain and pleasure and fear floods the body with various chemicals and you end up totally stoned.”
“Stoned?” She repeated incredulously. “I was stoned?”
“Noelle, you’ve been out of it for almost four hours.” He gave her a rueful smile. “You talked a lot of gibberish.” Her face flamed with embarrassment and he looked away, giving her a chance to gather herself. “What’s the last thing you remember?” He moved on to her thighs and she closed her eyes, leaning back against the end of the tub.
“I was flying.” She said softly. “I remember the pain
, and then he made me come and I flew.”
“That sounds like subspace alright.” He shook his head.
“How do you know so much about this stuff?” She asked, opening her eyes again, and he flinched. “Are you into control too?”
“No.” His bitter smile was twisted and self-deprecating. “I’m just a cog in the wheel of the dark side of the industry. I was so young back then.
So hungry for the money and the fame.” He shook his head. “Gabriel’s always been a little wild with his women. When we were young it wasn’t so bad, but then he found a sub who got off on pain and, once he got a taste for it, he got out of control. There was an incident...” He trailed off with a shudder. “Anyway, word came from the record company. We took him in hand, or we lost everything. We couldn’t contain him, so we enabled him. I got into the fetish culture to source subs for him. I’d be blind not to pick up a few tips along the way.”
“So he called you when I lost it?”
“He panicked. He was only a step away from calling an ambulance.” He made a sound of disgust. “After all this time he still hasn’t learned. He should have recognised this for what it was.” Checking the flex of her legs, he turned the hot tap on to warm up the water and moved on to her arms. “He wouldn’t accept training to become a proper dom. He’s too damaged.”
“Thank you. For coming to help me, I mean.” The words tasted bitter. She hated being helpless, but she meant it.
“Don’t mention it. You’ll have to stay here for a few days. I can’t let you go home.”
“Why?” Panic flooded her as she wondered if the press had got hold of the story.
“Because you might well go into a subdrop and you need to be around someone if that happens.”
“What’s a
subdrop?” Feeling stupid for not knowing any of this stuff, she let him rotate her shoulder gently.
“Again, I don’t know the mechanics of it, but sometimes when subs come down from subspace they crash real hard.
It can manifest as anything. Full body shakes. Crying. Feelings of depression. Aches and pains.”
“When will it happen?” She asked, wondering if she was already suffering the aches and pains.
“The most I’ve heard was about four days after a session.” He admitted, turning the hot tap off again. “Can you call in sick on Monday?”
“If I need to.”
The reality of what had happened suddenly hit her. “I can’t believe I let him do this to me.”
“Why didn’t you safe word?” His voice sounded husky
, as though he was holding back emotion, and she shrugged, sending pain all across her shoulders.
“I don’t know. I get so confused. He’s so overwhelming and even though I kn
ew I didn’t deserve to be punished, I didn’t feel like I had the right to stop him. We argued. I accused him of using sex as a weapon. He got angry and I was scared.”
“I know it’s none of my business, but you need to get this under control Noelle.” He left her arms and looked her straight in the eye. “If you don’t, he’ll get carried away again.”
“It
is
your business when you have to come and rescue me.” She hung her head in defeat. “I’m done Jax. I can’t go back to him after this. I’ll lose myself.”
“Okay.” His voice held no judgement, no pity. It was just concern. “How are you feeling now?”
“Like I got hit by a bus. What did he do to me?”
“Part of it was the
restraints; part of it was the spanking. He really went to town on you. The problem with subspace is that it massively decreases your sensitivity to pain. When you didn’t respond to his smacks, he ramped it up, not realising you were flying.”
She shook her head slowly. “This is too much to take in right now.” She admitted. “I’m so tired. I don’t even know what to think.”
“Then we’ll get you to bed. Do you think you can stand?”
“I’m not sure.” She replied honestly. He
pulled the plug, rose to his full height and reached down to help her up, steadying her as her abused muscles screamed in protest.
“We okay?” He asked, ducking his chin to look into her eyes.
“Peachy.” She gritted out through clenched teeth.
“That’s my girl.” Amused, he grabbed a towel and briskly rubbed her down, trying not to put too much pressure on the reddest parts of her skin.
“I can’t believe I’m naked in front of you. This is so embarrassing. God, I’m so sorry.” She felt afire with shame.
“Hey, don’t be like that.” He threw the towel in the laundry basket. “If this were under happier circumstances, this would be the best day of my life.” Before she could protest, he lifted her warm
, damp body out of the bath and carried her through to the bedroom. “If we were in a relationship, I’d make you sleep naked with me. Skin to skin contact is the best way to prevent subdrop. Since we’re not, I’m guessing you’d be more comfortable in a T-shirt?”
“Please.” She couldn’t even look at him, she was so mortified.
He rummaged through his drawers until he found one that came almost to her knees. “Here, let me help.” He dressed her like a child and tucked her under the covers. “Sleep, little one.” He laid a gentle kiss on her forehead. “I’m just going to lock up and then I’ll be right back.” By the time he returned, she was fast asleep.
***
The drop hit on Saturday afternoon. In the morning, Jax had encouraged her to exercise, to try and ease some of the stiffness in her muscles. He lived in a trendy part of town and they had eventually decided to walk into the city centre to get coffee. The clear, cold air had blown some of the cobwebs from her mind, but with clarity came reality and it painted an ugly picture.
She was standing in the kitchen watching Jax make
lunch, when it suddenly occurred to her that she had allowed a dangerously unstable man to tie her up and beat her. Delayed fear and shock set in and, before she knew it, she was shaking all over.
“Noelle?” Jax gathered her up
in a hug and she burst into tears.
“I can’t believe I was so stupid!” She wept. “I could have been so badly hurt!”
“But you weren’t.” He said soothingly, stroking her hair. “You’re okay now. You’re safe.”
“I’m such an idiot.” Her knees failed and she leaned into him. “He said he loved me Jax. He asked me to marry him. How can what he did be love?”
“Love comes in many colours.” He shrugged diplomatically. “He’s a damaged man. He doesn’t have the same reference points as the rest of us. Believing something he meant honestly doesn’t make you an idiot.”
“All morning I’ve been walking around, thinking I’m going to go back to him.” She confessed, each word hurting more than the last. “I told myself that last night was a knee-jerk reaction, that he’ll never do it again. Like I’ve never heard that before...What kind of idiot am I?”
She couldn’t force any more words out. Her whole body was taken over by grief and shame. Scooping her up, Jax carried her to the sofa and settled her in his lap. He stroked her hair and hummed soft music to her until eventually her weeping passed and she drifted off to sleep, exhausted by her emotional turmoil.
She awoke to the sound of the phone ringing. “Stop calling, Gabriel!” Jax sounded irritated, somewhere in the kitchen. “She’s fine. She dropped this afternoon and I don’t think she needs to see you right now. She’s feeling pretty low.” Noelle couldn’t hear Gabriel’s side of the conversation, but whatever he said upset Jax. “Fuck you, man! You shouldn’t have done this to her in the first place.” There was a sharp clack as the phone hit the cradle. Almost immediately it started ringing again and Jax swore. The shrilling sound cut off abruptly as he disconnected the line at the wall.
“Jax?”
Noelle made her way shakily across the room to the kitchen. “Is everything okay?”
“It’s fine.” He forced a bright smile. “How are you feeling?”
“A bit better. I’m sorry. I bet the last thing you wanted to be doing this weekend was dealing with a crying woman.”
“It’s better than what I had planned.” He shrugged easily. “I thought maybe this evening we could grab a pizza and go to the cinema. I know you’re probably not feeling up to going out, but
we need to keep you active to stop you spiralling down.” She hesitated and he smiled. “I’ll get you pick-n-mix at the cinema...” He offered and she burst out laughing.
The last thing she wanted to do was go out. She wanted to stay in and wallow in her misery. It felt a lot like the world was ending. But he knew more about her situation than she did, and they’d forged an alliance based on trust. She gave in.
“Fine. Do you know what’s on?”
“I’ll have a look while you go and clean up. Your hair is a little...” he struggled for a diplomatic word. “...wild?”
“It needs washing.” She admitted. “Can I borrow a towel?”
“Sure. I left a load of stuff out in the bathroom for you. I found a sweater I thought might fit and a couple of pairs of jersey tracks.” He blushed slightly. “I left some boxers in there too. They’re new – I haven’t worn them yet. Just...you know.
..if you needed underwear.”
“Who’d have known the bad boy rocker was such a sweetie at heart?” She joked, fighting the prickle of tears in her eyes at his generosity and thoughtfulness. “Maybe when we go out we can stop at my house for some clothes?”