Obsession (Magnetic Desires Book 4) (13 page)

“That should have been my choice to make.”

“You would have stayed.” This conversation was one I’d run through in my head, over and over.

“Damn right, I would have stayed. I only needed you to tell me what was going on. I would have been there no matter what happened. Don’t you realize that?”

“But I didn’t want you to. Not when I couldn’t give you more than a day at a time. For a long while there I had no idea what the future was going to hold.”

“We would have gotten through it together.” There was such determination in the way she said it that if I hadn’t regretted keeping it secret from her before, I certainly did now.

“It was more than that.” I scrubbed a hand over my arm. Admitting the effect cancer had had on my ego was harder than telling her why I’d left. “After the surgery I didn’t feel like enough for you anymore. The idea of not being able to satisfy you, to make you scream my name, terrified me. I wanted you so much, but not like that.”

“You didn’t want to have sex?”

“Not for a long time, even after we broke up. I didn’t want anyone to see me naked or have to explain what had happened.”

“You were never just a dick to me.”

“That’s not what you said the other day.” I chuckled.

She fluttered a hand to her mouth, her cheeks going a deep shade of pink. “I didn’t know. I would never have said it if I’d known.” 

“Don’t get all flustered over it.” I brushed my knuckles over the pink. Such a sexy shade on her. “Honestly, when I suggested we hook up, I didn’t know if I would be able to. I mean I wanted to, more than is probably healthy for an adult male, but that feeling of not being enough weighed me down. Hell, it wasn’t until I dragged you out of Wolf’s the other night that I finally felt like the man I used to be. The one who got whatever he wanted. Including you, sexy legs.”

I’d had enough space between us to last me a lifetime. Pulling her into me, I wrapped my arm around her neck and dragged her mouth to mine, sucking her bottom lip between my teeth. “And believe me, I do have you. You can hum and haw about it all you want, but I don’t give up on getting what I want. Once you’ve done whatever it is you have to do out here, I’m taking you away, you choose where, and we’ll hole up in some fancy hotel until you make up your mind to move back home.”

“You’re so bossy, Mr.
I always get my way
.” She turned the radio up and settled back against me, singing along to some tune from the eighties. The old and familiar ease with which we could spend an afternoon not saying anything, but being perfectly content, made my chest swell. It was possible I’d forgotten what happiness felt like.

“I don’t exactly know why I’m going back.” She turned down the radio, her brow screwed up. “Is that funny? I just know I have to find some kind of closure on what happened back then, find some way to put it all behind me.”

“Do you think you’ll ever forgive him for leaving?”

“It wasn’t the leaving so much. I mean yeah, I hated him for doing that to us. Hated how my mother fell apart. Finding her…” She shuddered. “But he should have come back, shouldn’t he? I couldn’t understand how it was so easy for him to forget he still had one daughter that needed him. That isn’t right, is it? Parents shouldn’t just walk away, should they?”

I squeezed her hand, my chest aching for both of us. Her life and mine had followed such a similar path. “No, it’s not right. There’s something wrong with them, but it’s not your fault he’s an asshole.”

“I don’t think I can forgive him. I wouldn’t even know where to start. How can Lola put the past behind her so easily?” She shifted position and laid her head on my shoulder.

“Your sister’s had a difficult life, but it was different for her. That’s all I can put it down to. She has her own issues to deal with.”

She nodded, contemplating her nails against my arm. “I don’t want to be like him. I want to forget that I share his genes.”

“You have to stop thinking you are. I get it. I really do, but you’re not him and you don’t have to follow his path. You’re a fucking hurricane, love. You tear through whatever stands in your way and make your own path.”

Her stomach grumbled loudly, filling the pause in conversation, and she laughed as she rubbed her belly. “Are we going to stop soon?”

“Hungry? We’ll stop in the next town.”

“Starving.” Another grumble punctuated her answer. “You?”

I slid my hand up beneath the hem of her skirt, with a half-smile. “Famished.”

Gripping my hand with her own, she laughed. “You have a one tracked mind, mister.”

Mellie

We stopped as the sun melted over the horizon and Mike shrugged out of his jacket to put it over my shoulders. “Time to get something to eat and find somewhere to stay.”

“Okay.” I sidled out of the truck after him, pulling his jacket tighter around me as the heat of the day turned chilly. I couldn’t drag my gaze from him. There were no outward signs of what he’d gone through, but it had been worse than he made out. He was always strong, a rock for everyone around him, and yet I could tell that rock had been chipped away at. My heart twisted, knowing that I could have lost him so easily and might never have known why. Not being his was hard, but if I’d never had another minute with him, even as friends… my eyes watered.

“Come on, let’s get inside.” Linking his arms around my waist, Mike guided me up the steps to the diner. There wasn’t much to the town we’d stopped in. Built to service the families on the farms surrounding it, there was a feed and hardware store and a few other shops. A couple of cafés, closed at this time of evening, dotted the main street. The diner we’d pulled up in front of seemed to be the main stop for dinner. Further down the road stood a small hotel with half a dozen rooms, and several neat rows of houses, which hinted at the inner population of the town.

A few truckers sat in booths along the windows, talking or staring out into the deepening twilight, and I slipped into a vacant one, Mike taking the opposite side.

A waitress, Ezzie by the name on her tag, poured coffee into mugs with a welcoming smile, before patting at her frizzy bun, tendrils escaping haphazardly. “Always nice to see new faces. Are you staying long?”

“Passing through.” Mike picked up the menu. “What’s good to eat here?”

“Everything, love, but Jason—he’s the chef here—does a great fry up.”

I ripped open a couple packets of sugar and dumped them in my coffee, stirring it before licking the back of the spoon and sticking it in my mouth. “Sounds good to me.”

“Two of those would be great.” He grinned. “And could we get an extra bottle of ketchup?”

She almost bobbed, her cheeks turning pink under his gaze, before she made her way back to the kitchen.

“You’re terrible.” I leaned across the small space, keeping my voice low. “How you can turn that grin on anyone and get a reaction like that should be criminal.”

“Maybe.” He doctored his own coffee. “But the way you licked that spoon was practically indecent.”

“Oh, shut up.” I flicked an empty sugar packet at him. “I swear to God you have some kind of oral obsession.”

“Fuck yeah, I do. Especially when it comes to you. I don’t think I quite licked everything I wanted to last night.” He gripped my hand, not letting go.

“You did a pretty damn good job of it. I’d ask you where you got the moves, but I don’t think I want to know.”

He chuckled and brushed my hair back from my cheek. “The things I’ve been imagining doing to you would make these pretty cheeks heat right up, but it’s not because I’ve learned new moves. The last person I had sex with was you. I just had a lot of time to fantasize about what I would do to you if you ever gave me the chance again.”

I straightened my spine, staring at him over the rim of my cup. I couldn’t imagine him celibate. The man was built for pleasure, had the stamina to fulfil any girl’s fantasy, and he’d what? Sat at home and waited for the opportunity to get me in his bed again? Cancer had taken more than his health, had hit him harder than anything else could. He’d loved me harder than anything, and I’d hurt him, not just for a night, but continuously for years on end. Would I ever be able to make it up to him?

He regarded me intensely, waiting for something. I wasn’t sure what. Resting my elbow on the table, I smiled as I put the cup down. “So what else is there to lick before you own my body?”

“Your arms, your legs, in between your toes, the length of your ass crack. I don’t know if it’s so much what’s left to lick as much as I will never tire of having your pussy in my mouth.”

“You want to lick my ass?” I stammered, not sure if I was turned on or grossed out by that particular idea. “That doesn’t sound very sanitary.”

“Neither is anything else I want to do to your ass.” He grinned, his thumb stroking a circle in my palm.

Sinking down in my seat, I rubbed my thighs together. “I wonder how many truckies are eavesdropping on us right now.”

Mike glanced around. “I’d say all of them. Let them. They should be so fucking lucky.”

Ezzie approached, carrying two plates piled high with bacon, sausages, eggs, and fries that she set down in front of us. “Here you go, loves, fry up with extra ketchup, like you wanted.”

“Thanks, Ezzie.” Mike dipped a fry in ketchup and popped it in his mouth. “Can we get a refill on our coffee, too? Something tells me it’s going to be a long night.”

I kicked him when she walked away. “You’re being mouthy.”

He winked, dunked another fry in his ketchup and tossed it, catching it in his mouth. “I’m in a good mood, and you’re going to appreciate my mouthiness once we get a room. It’s much better than a bird, any day.”

I snorted, coffee spurting out my nose, and I slapped my hand over my mouth. “At least I can put a bird back in its cage.”

“You’ve got me in a cage, too.” He stole a fry off my plate, ignoring his own.

“What?” I smacked at his fingers hovering over my plate. “You in a cage is ridiculous.”

“Call it what you will. I can’t sleep without you, can’t fucking breathe when you’re so close and so far away all at the same time. This past week has been pure torture and as close as I’m ever going to get to heaven.” He darted his hand around mine, grinning as he shoved another stolen fry in his mouth. “You claimed me, clipped my wings, so to speak, and I don’t care, because there’s nowhere else I’d rather be than wrapped up in you.”

My heart kind of stopped in my chest, flip-flopped painfully, before it skittered back to its normal beat. I couldn’t have explained how I felt about him better if I’d had a thesaurus and the mind to write poetry.  “All of that. It’s how I feel, too. I almost wish you had had an affair.”

I shoved my plate aside and walked out of the diner. God, I wanted it to be easy, to be as simple as falling back into bed with him and never getting out, but he’d loved me as hard as I loved him and still managed to cut me out of his life. At least if he’d had an affair I would have understood. His feelings would have wavered, would have changed, but he’d hurt us both so much—for what?

I wandered along the front of the diner while he paid the bill before joining me. “I don’t get it. Sometimes I don’t understand what the hell goes on in that brain of yours.”

“You wouldn’t, would you?” I started toward the motel. “I spent a long time alone, before I met you. I didn’t need anyone to look after me, or coddle me. I didn’t need you to protect me from this. The fact that you would have rather died alone than let me have to pull up my big girl panties and deal hurts, Mike. Especially when you know exactly how I feel about you.” I shook my head, trying to clear the burn in my throat and the back of my eyeballs.

He pulled me into his chest, and I breathed him in, sunshine and spicy woods tingling in my nose. “You’re not the only one people leave, Mellie. You’re not the only one who grew up alone. Did you think I was well fucking adjusted just because I didn’t run away when shit got hard?”

“You didn’t give me any reason to doubt you.”

“Well, I’m not.” He blew out a hot breath against the top of my head. “I didn’t want to see you fall apart. I couldn’t even handle the worry in your voice when I called you after I found out, let alone be able to deal with you watching me like a hawk. My job was to protect you, to look after you, and I was going to fail. The idea of leaving you behind broke me up inside. I never planned for it to end like it did.”

“You and I are so alike, aren’t we?” I clasped his face in my hands and stood on tip toe. “Two fucked up people who won’t stop hurting each other because we’re not willing to let the other in all the way.”

“Not fucked up.” He crushed me to him. “We’re bent, maybe. We can fix this, can’t we?”

“I don’t know.” I clung to him, demanded his lips on mine, as though being this close might get us through the storm. “We’ve been this way a long time.”

He let me go to take my hand, hurrying up the street to the motel. “I’ll be damned if I’m not going to try.”

“What are you going to do?” I had to jog to keep up with him, trailing behind as he entered the reception area to organize a room.

It took him several minutes to pay for the room and get the key and then he led me along the row of doors, focused on finding ours. He unlocked the door, pushed it open and ushered me over to the bed, pressing me down on the floral quilted cover. “I should have told you. Hell, if I had, you’d be in my bed at home, wrapped around me, without a single thought as to whether it was a good idea or not. But I can’t change it.”

“I don’t expect you to.”

“There’s not much I can do about any of it, except to say that you’re right.” He kicked off his shoes, and stripped out of his socks. “But I don’t want to wait until tomorrow, or God knows when, to see if we can make it through without pushing each other away.” He stretched his shirt up over taut abs, the dips and angles prominent against the hard V of his hips. Discarding it on the floor he made quick work of the buckle on his belt, his muscular arms flexing with the movement.

“What are you doing?

He growled, guttural and deep in his chest, and undid the fly on his pants, shoving them and his boxers down his thick thighs and stepping out of them. “I’m not trying to get inside you.”

“I’ve seen you naked a million times.” And I’d appreciated the view every single time.

“Can you shut up a minute?” He moved between my legs. “I’m trying to show you something.”

I stared at his abs so close to my face. “I don’t get it.”

“I told you I lost a nut. They had to cut it out, but the cancer had already spread to the back of my abdomen. It’s no big deal now, but for a long time there I was in a kind of depression. I questioned my manhood, my ability to be enough for anyone. I couldn’t even deal with the idea of you seeing me naked.”

“Oh.” I carefully lifted a finger to stroke along his sack. “I didn’t notice any difference.”

“I have a prosthetic. Can you believe that? I was so obsessed with my partial castration that I ended up getting a lump of silicone inserted just so I could feel whole again.”

Cupping it gently, I rubbed my thumb over his balls, one slightly harder and tighter than the other. “It’s barely noticeable.”

“I notice it. But then no one else has touched me like you’re doing now since before the operation. I didn’t want anyone to know.”

“It could have been worse. We were lucky. You’re still here.”

“I know that. But to me this was a big deal.”

I stayed there, with his balls in my hand, frozen. He hadn’t gotten undressed in front of me for the last six months of our relationship. He’d started showering with the door locked, and ignored my advances. I’d thought it was because he was sleeping with someone else, but it all had to do with one tiny lump that shouldn’t have mattered one iota. No one knew about it, or had gotten close to it. Except me, because no matter how inconsequential it seemed, it was a big fucking deal. I didn’t know if we’d make it through the night, let alone the rest of our lives as lovers, or even friends, but he was placing quite literally his ego in the palm of my hand.

“You’re seeing me differently, aren’t you? Now that you know.”

“No.” I glanced up to catch the storminess in his eyes.

“You are.” He growled. “I can almost see those cogs turning inside your mind, and I know what you want to say, so just get it over with.”

“What?”

“Say it. Call me one-nut. You know you want to.”

“I wasn’t going to say that.” I rolled his balls over my fingers, and smiled wickedly. “I was going to say I’ll miss Ben, or was it Jerry?”

He chuckled, his belly rumbling with it. “And you say I have an oral fixation. You loved being on your knees so much you named my balls after ice cream.”

“I did love the way you fucked my mouth.” I scooted forward and ran my fingers up the underside of his cock, feeling it grow rigid with my touch. It waved in my face, dipping toward my mouth, taunting me. I darted my tongue over the head as I grasped it firmly against my palm and stroked it. He groaned, his hips flowing with the movement of my hand, his dick pulsing and a drop of pre cum leaking from the tip. Greedily, I licked up his hot salty taste, and pushed my parted lips down the length of him.

“Always hungry for me weren’t you, sexy legs? Your mouth so hot and tight around my cock. I missed how good it felt.” He cupped the back of my head while I eased him in and out of my mouth, each suck bringing him deeper until he hit the back of my throat. His fingers tightened in my hair, guiding me up and down the length of him while he filled me, my cheeks hollowing.

Groaning, his hips jerked with each tug of my lips, bringing him closer to the edge. “If you don’t ease up, you’re going to make me cum in that pretty mouth.”

“Mm-hmm.” I pushed him deeper into my throat, whimpered with how he filled me, my hand massaging his balls and the sensitive spot behind them.