Authors: EJ Valson,Michelle Read
After we leave Astrid’s we go to pick up Olivia. On the way to his parents’ Joe has several more questions about the past year. I obligingly tell him anything he wants to know. After the weight of our past relationship and the roles we played in each other’s lives are no longer in the way, I feel that I can finally let go. I feel like Joe has been put on the same playing field I have been on all alone for so long. He can relate to me.
Joe admits he thought I was losing my mind earlier that night. He explains that he was extremely doubtful of Astrid’s ability until she told him she knew he was in love with a girl with the initial “R” and that she saw him holding a new baby. He said at that moment it was like his mind flipped upside down, along with the rest of his world. He could see everything differently. He was frightened, but reassured at the same time. I’m grateful he has accepted this situation so quickly and now believes me.
Astrid let us leave with the videotape of Jesus, John recorded. She knew I would want to show it to Joe to explain that I wasn’t the only one with this experience. She invited him to come on Sunday as well, but he still doesn’t fully understand what that will entail. I will have to explain that later, when the time is right.
As we make our way through the winding hillside streets, I sit back and roll down the window. I close my eyes and let the cool summer air tousle my hair and the setting sun
caress my skin with its last few rays.
Joe makes the pick-up with Olivia quick while I wait for him in the car. On the way back to the house, Olivia is happy to see us together and getting along again. We share this moment as a family, singing along to the radio. There is truly no animosity or strings attached. Joe is in love and going to be a dad again. I am in love with Michael and soon will be on my way home. This is not something normally celebrated, but I know in our unconventional way Joe and I are doing just that. Olivia begs Joe to stay the night. He agrees, as he still has a few changes of clothes at the house and I don’t mind.
“Will Rachel be OK with that?” I ask.
“Trust me, she knows that I am
very
committed to her,” he assures me with a smile.
I think about how strange it is that this isn’t “weird” for me. When I look at Joe, I don’t see
my
ex-husband, or feel any romantic ties. I see Olivia’s dad and the face of an old friend. I have respect for the life he will get to live with Rachel and I only hope that it is as full of love as Michael’s and mine was and hopefully will continue to be.
After Olivia goes to bed, Joe and I grab a couple of beers from the fridge and head out to the back patio. The night is cool, but tolerable. The sun has set and I can only make out the silhouettes of the mountains in the distance. It reminds me of the night we had our anniversary barbecue. That feels like decades ago now.
“What are we like, in your other life?” Joe asks me out of the blue.
I sit quietly for a moment, thinking of how to respond. The truth is sad in a way. We don’t really speak. We mostly communicate through his parents, and sometimes Rachel sends me an email
to coordinate visits with Olivia, but other than that our contact is minimal.
“Well, we don’t really talk,” I answer.
He looks at me, surprised. “We don’t? Why?” he asks.
I shrug. “You know, I honestly don’t remember,” I chuckle. “I guess we just put up the walls so thick and high between us that we didn’t see the point of breaking through them.”
“Hmmm,” he responds, and takes a swig of beer. “Well, I hope that changes,” he says.
I feel a ping of sadness. It won’t be the same between us if I return, and that is disheartening. I now see what we could have been had we taken a more mature approach to our split from the beginning. Olivia wouldn’t have had to be caught in the middle, and we may have been able to be some kind of family unit like we are now.
“So, exactly how will you get back?” he asks.
I consider my answer, which is that I really don’t know. Like some crazy science fiction movie,
I’m supposed to take a serum and hope it knocks me into a dimension that leads me back to the right time and place.
He has a hard time understanding this and he accepts that fact. He continues on to ask what will happen if I do make it back. I tell him that we think everything here will just stop, like a story that didn’t get finished being told or a movie that pauses in the middle and never gets played again. No one will be harmed, or affected or remember anything. No one but possibly me.
“What happens if it doesn’t work?” he asks.
I finish my beer. “I will have to show you,” I answer.
We make our way to the living room and I get out our camcorder so I can play the tape. Joe helps me connect it and set the television to the right mode. My heart begins to race as we sit down and press
Play.
Joe listens, fascinated by Jesus’ tale. He is sitting upright, completely absorbed in what Jesus’ brother says. I stand leaning against the wall, watching Joe’s reactions to the film. In the moment the camera gets a view of Jesus on the mattress, I see his lips part in shock.
He looks at me, his eyes wide. “What happened to him?” he asks.
I shrug.
“They aren’t sure,” I reply.
When the tape ends Joe gets up and walks over to turn off the TV. He is silent and seems overwhelmed again. His head is down and his hands are on his hips. He is deep in thought. “You can’t do this,” he says to me. “It’s too dangerous.”
“I have to,” I say, tears welling in my eyes. “I want to go home”.
On Friday, at the end of the workday, I make sure to tell everyone to have a good weekend. Stacy is going to the coast with Lewis, so before she heads out the door I stop her and give her a hug. She is caught a little off guard. “Have the best time,” I say.
She hugs me back, but gives me a long look deep into my eyes before she leaves. I can tell she is wondering what has been up with my mood the last few days. I have been more laid back about work stuff, and more interested in reminiscing and visiting. Steve joked a few times that I needed to get back to work, but I laughed it off. What difference will it make if I just screw around at work anyway?
The building is almost empty when it is time for me to go home. I take my time walking around and shutting off lights. I have a flashback to all of the silly times I had in this department. I smile at the thought of Michael and me joking around during work. I miss those days.
After I get in my car, I head to my mom’s house. I bought her flowers on my lunch break and I want to take them to her. When I arrive, she isn’t home, so I leave them on the front porch with the card I bought her as well.
My next stop is Astrid’s. I pull into her driveway around 5:30 p.m. She calls out for me to let myself in after I knock on the front door. She is in the kitchen cooking something that smells delicious.
“Hey there,” I say as I enter the kitchen. She is stirring some sort of liquid in a big pot.
“Hi, Honey. To what do I owe the pleasure?” she asks.
“I just wanted to get a chance to visit with you in private before Sunday,” I say.
Her face lights up. “Aww, that’s a lovely thought,” she remarks. She puts the ladle down and wipes her hand on a dish towel. “Want to sit outside?” she asks.
I agree and follow her out to the small bistro table in the back yard. The temperature outside is mild, so we can enjoy the solace of her little garden without getting overheated. I can smell a hint of lavender and other herbs in the air. Even with the buzzing of traffic on the busy road so nearby, I feel at peace here. “I have something for you,” I tell her, while reaching inside my purse.
“Oh, that’s sweet,” she says.
I pull out a small bundle of tissue paper and hand her the gift I purchased earlier that day. She is surprised by my gesture and gingerly takes it from my hand. She is careful as she opens the tiny package. When she finally exposes the gift, her eyes change.
“It’s beautiful,” she says. She lifts from the tissue the silver necklace chain from which a small pair of silver angel wings hang.
“You have been like a guardian angel for me throughout this whole thing, Astrid. I just wanted to make sure you had a pair of wings that everyone could see,” I say.
I can tell she is touched by the gift, as she is silent but smiling while she carefully inspects the necklace. “Can you help me put it on?” she asks. I stand up and move behind her. She lifts her long, thick, grey hair away from her neck so I can lock the clasp. “Perfect. Thank you,” she says, while caressing the tiny wings with her fingers.
I return to my chair across from her. We sit in silence. She reminds me of my friend Kelly. She and I can sit in silence and not be uncomfortable. It’s like being with a close family member. It’s just easy.
“I have a son,” Astrid blurts out abruptly.
I look at her perplexed.
“You do?” I ask. I now realize that I barely know anything about Astrid’s personal life. Was she ever married? Does she have a boyfriend? I feel a pang of guilt. She knows almost everything important about me. I don’t even know the very basics about her.
“Well, I
had
a son. He died three years ago from cancer,” she shares.
My heart drops in my chest. I don’t know what to say. I can’t imagine the loss of a child. I feel horrible that she had to endure that. “I’m so sorry, Astrid,” I say.
She shrugs.
“Oh, it’s alright. I have made peace with it. It was hard to see him in pain, so when he went I was grateful he wasn’t suffering anymore. The worst part, though, is that if it would have been caught early on, it might have been completely curable,” she says, letting out a sigh.
I wonder to myself for a moment if she knew he was sick before he did. Did she see the illness inside of him? Did she sense it? “I know what you must be thinking. Did I know he was ill,” she says. I catch my breath for a moment, a bit put off by her practically reading my mind.
“I didn’t. He was like you -- hard to read. And he kept his distance from me anyway. I didn’t know he was sick until he told me about it. When I finally got to see him in person, I knew it was grave,” she explains. “I think about you. I think about how you had this chance to come back in time. I wonder if I will ever be so lucky. I wish I could see him just once more,” she says wistfully.
I think about how I have
again
taken so many things for granted while being here. My chance to see Olivia as a little girl again. My parents at a younger age. My friends and other family members. Astrid slowly lifts her head and makes eye contact. “Enjoy it while you can, Sweetie,” she says.
I know what she means. Regardless of what life I am living, what decade, what year, it’s all going to be the past at some point. It will all be intangible and at best a memory. I stand up and move to Astrid’s side. “I will see you Sunday,” I say. I give her a quick peck atop her head and squeeze her shoulder as I leave.
I only have a few moments of
this
version of my life left. I need to enjoy them.
CHAPTER 86
On Sunday morning, I awaken to a ray of sunlight shining directly on my face. I squint a little to adjust my eyes before fully opening them. Today is the day.
I look to my right and see that Olivia is still sleeping. She is tired from swimming and going to the fair the day before. She is curled up on her side, blankets tucked under her chin. I lean over and gently stroke her dark hair. I give her a light kiss on the side of her head and snuggle up behind her. I hold my darling daughter while she sleeps. She is blissfully unaware that this may be the last time I get to embrace her like this. I’m painfully aware of it.
My phone startles me when it rings from the nightstand. I hurriedly reach to answer before it wakes Olivia. “Hello?” I answer, in a hushed voice.
“Hi, Love,” Kelly replies. I smile, as I haven’t heard from her in so long. I realize that in my preoccupation with preparing for my departure I almost forgot to call her.
“Hey you,” I respond. “One second. Let me move to the living room.”
I quickly grab my robe and tiptoe quietly out of the room. The guest bedroom door is closed, so I know Joe is still asleep, as he has decided to stay with us until I leave. I head outside to the patio to talk, as it could take a while and I don’t want to wake anyone up. I sit down on the cold patio chair and pull my knees to my chest to keep warm.
“Sorry about that,” I say.
“No problem,” Kelly says.
Whenever I get a call or visit from Kelly it’s a big deal. We have been friends most of our life and are actually more like family. We don’t know the details of each other’s day-to-day lives, but when we spend time together it is as if no time has passed at all.
For the next thirty minutes we catch up and laugh. She makes sure I’m doing OK with the divorce and I assure her that I am. I wish I could tell her what has
really
been going on, but I know it is unnecessary. Even though I’m certain she would do her best to support and believe me, it isn’t the last conversation I want to have with her. So instead I opt to tell her that I will be in touch and that I love her before we hang up. I also make a mental note to follow through with that if I get home. Life is too short to take good friends and loved ones for granted.
When I go back into the house, Joe is sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee. He is deep in thought.
“Morning,” I say closing the patio door behind me.
“Hi,” he says quietly.
I walk towards him and sit in the chair across from his. “Are you OK?” I ask.
He nods unconvincingly. “Are you sure you are ready to do this?” he asks, finally making eye contact.
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“I am,” I answer.
“OK,” he says. “Then so am I.”
We are interrupted by little feet thumping from down the hallway towards us. Olivia jumps into my lap and snuggles into my chest. I look at Joe, who is smiling at the sight of his sweet daughter. I try and take a picture with my mind. Will I remember this moment if I cross over? I hope so.
After making Olivia breakfast and having a cup of coffee, I decide I need to go get ready. We have about eight hours until Joe and I go to Astrid’s, but we are first going to take Olivia to the park and dinner before dropping her at my mom’s house to spend the night. As far as my mom knows, she is just having a night with Olivia. But what I know is that it may be the last time they see me the way I am now.
I let the warm water rush over my body in the shower. I take my time savoring the sensation of getting clean. It’s sort of like a baptism. When I am finished I try to find something to wear that I will miss getting the chance to wear again. I scour through the closet until I find something that suits my mood.
I find a sun dress that I have forgotten about in the back. It was something I purchased with Stacy on our first shopping trip. I run my fingertips over the soft, white cotton, appreciating the simple embellishments and patterns in the dress. When I put it on, I take a long look in the mirror. I appear almost innocent -- unsmudged, pure. And I realize that I need to go into this day with that same mind frame. I need to be at peace.
I slip on a pair of low-heeled wedges and put my hair up half way. I put on a pair of earrings that Joe got me for Christmas. They are small diamond studs, and they are just enough to adorn my ear lobes without being too flashy.
When finished, I grab my laptop and turn it on. After several minutes, it is finally functioning. I open my instant messenger and search for Michael’s contact icon. He is offline, but I can still send him a message that he will get when he signs on later. And I’m actually a bit relieved that I will be able to tell him what I need to without him being able to respond.
I begin to type.
“Hi
, Michael. I am sorry I missed you. I’m also sorry that I haven’t been able to talk much lately. I have been a bit preoccupied. But I just wanted to say…again…that I love you, very much. I want you to remember what I told you in England. Remember it all…and don’t ever forget it. You will forever be MY soul mate.”
I hit
SEND
and log off. I am sure he will get it before I depart, but there is nothing more I can say to him. If I don’t make it back, I pray that he will carry my words with him always. If I do make it back, I will tell him myself.
It is the middle of the afternoon by the time we are ready to leave. While Joe puts Olivia in the car, I take one last look around the house that has been my home for the last year. I take the letters that were hidden in my drawer and place them on the dining room table so that Joe will see them if he comes back. Which would mean I didn’t cross over.
Joe has been quiet and somber all day, but I can’t let his personal feelings affect mine right now. I have to stay grounded in my belief that I am doing the right thing. I need to stay focused.
We spend the day at the park feeding ducks and pushing Olivia on the swings. I enjoy the feeling of the warm grass under my bare feet, and sun kissing my legs as I run from the ducks that are chasing us for bread. Olivia squeals with laughter when she sees me running from a goose that I am sure will bite me. I relish in her delight. I live fully in this moment.
We have a leisurely dinner at a local brewery. I can’t help but watch Olivia and Joe when they are sitting next to each other. They chew the same, drink the same and make the same facial expressions when they enjoy their food. Joe catches me staring at one point and gives me a questionable look. I simply mouth the words, “Thank you.” He gives me a slight nod in understanding. He gave me one of the greatest gifts I could have ever received – my daughter.
At 7:00 p.m. we head over to my mom’s house. Joe waits in the car while I take Olivia inside. When my mom opens the door, she notices Joe and waves, but I can tell she is confused as to why we are together. I step inside and close the door behind me.
“Does he want to come in?” she asks.
“Oh no. We just took Olivia out together today and it ran a bit late so he came with me to drop her,” I ramble out an explanation. She nods and doesn’t pry.
“I’ll take her stuff upstairs,” my mom says, taking Olivia’s backpack in her arms.
After she leaves, I get down on my knees so I can be at Olivia’s level. Olivia is eager to go play, but I need to have this moment with her.
“Livi,” I say while gently cupping her cheeks in my palms. “I want you to know that Mommy loves you soooo much, OK? You are the most wonderful girl,” I say, pausing for a moment to compose myself so I won’t start to cry. Her big blue eyes search mine in confusion. I can tell that she wants to go and be a kid, but for this one moment I need her attention.
“And no matter what, remember, Mommy will always love you and my love is always with you, OK?” I say choking back tears.
Olivia nods her head and leans in to hug me. She wraps her tiny arms tight around my neck and squeezes. I hold her back as tight as I can without hurting her. “I love you too, Mommy,” she says. When she leans back she gives me a quick kiss on the lips and runs off to play outside.
My mom makes her way to the bottom stair and just barely misses Olivia running into her. She laughs at Olivia’s energetic joy. “OK, Honey. I think she is all set,” she says.
I’m
silent for a moment. I take in this moment with my mom. I reach for her and pull her close. “I love you, Mom.” I whisper, while holding back tears that are fighting to be released.
Without questioning my emotion, she hugs me back. “I love you too, Baby,” she says softly.
“Bye,” I say, as I quickly turn away to shield her from seeing the tears that have started to escape.
“Bye, Honey,” she says, a bit confused as I hurry out.
Joe starts the car when he sees me appear on the porch. Before I get in the car, I hear Olivia’s laugh from over the fence in the back yard, and I smile.
When I slide into the seat, Joe asks if I am alright. I nod as convincingly as I can, and stare out the window while I try to compose myself. I fear that if he sees me troubled he won’t let me go through with the procedure.
I ask him to quickly stop by my dad’s house. He agrees, and again waits in the car while I run in to say goodbye. As I quietly approach the screen door, I see my dad sitting in his recliner watching TV. Mary is sitting on the couch nearby and they are holding hands over the open space. At this angle they are unable to see me standing here.
They laugh in unison at something that happens in the show they are enjoying. They are content in their routine, in their life together. I smile. I know they are going to be just fine. I’m grateful that in either version of my life, he has a good woman that loves him. But in all honesty, I am most hopeful that Nancy will be the next person I see holding his hand.
“I love you, Dad,” I silently mouth through the screen. I know that he can’t hear me. I know that he can’t see me. But I decide to leave it at that. I turn around and hurry back to the car.
“That was quick,” Joe comments when I get in.
I shrug.
“I said what I needed to,” I reply.
I lean back and close my eyes. I see Stella’s little face. I see Michael and I see older Olivia. And I feel a sense of calm wash over me. I am ready.