Of Love & Regret (24 page)

Emily looked as
shocked as I felt. “Are you sure? That doesn’t seem like something Logan would
say.”

“There was no mistaking
his intention. He made it clear that he was looking for nothing more than a
roll in the hay.” I was too ashamed to tell her about how I had allowed Logan
to touch me. “I think humiliating me was his way of getting revenge on me. He
said he had wasted so many years waiting for me that he deserved some kind of
compensation for it.”

“What a pig!” she
exclaimed with a look of disgust. “L.A. must have corrupted him. Even though I
never knew Logan as well as you did, I can’t imagine those words coming out of
his mouth. Especially to you!” She bit her lip before continuing to speak. “Did
you notice anything about Kristina?”

I shook my head,
confused. “What do you mean?”

“She looks like
you. I mean, she could be your freaking doppelganger. Don’t you think it’s a
little creepy that his new girlfriend looks so much like you?”

I frowned at her.
“I don’t think she looks that much like me. Sure, we both have long brown hair
and green eyes, but that’s about it.”

Emily gave me a
skeptical look. “It’s more than that. It’s not like you guys are Siamese twins,
but if I didn’t know better, I would think you two were sisters. And it’s more
than just her appearance. You said yourself that she’s different from all the
other women he’s dated. She’s more down-to-earth and normal. Pretty in a classy
way instead of over-the-top like those other women Logan’s dated. She reminds
me of you.”

I couldn’t deny
that there were some physical similarities between Kristina and I, but I
thought Emily was taking it a little too far.

“Is that why you
acted so weird when you saw her?” I asked. “You looked dumbstruck.”

“Seriously, it’s a
little creepy.” Emily wrinkled her nose. “It’s like he found himself a stand-in
because he couldn’t have the real thing.”

“But he could have
if he wanted to. He’s the one who rejected me in the end. I was the one asking
for another chance.” I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, and I angrily
swiped them away before they could escape. I was tired of feeling pathetic.
“Let’s just go home. I want to go to bed and forget this night ever happened.”

We grabbed a cab,
and I declined Emily’s offer to come over. I wanted to be alone in my misery,
and I was sure she was tired of hearing about my problems with Logan. When the
cab dropped me off in front of my building, I promised to call her the next day.

I was relieved
when I was finally inside my apartment. I took my dress off and threw it on the
floor of my bedroom. I would never be able to wear it again without thinking of
Logan and what had happened tonight.

I stripped off my
bra and tossed it next to the dress. I was reaching for a t-shirt in my dresser
when I caught sight of my reflection in the full-length mirror next to my
closet. My mind was instantly filled with images of Logan’s hand on my breast,
teasing my nipple until I ached for him. I caught my breath as I remembered
what his tanned hand looked like against my paler flesh as he caressed the
aroused bud. There was an answering wetness between my legs at the memory and I
couldn’t resist reaching up and touching my nipple. I rolled it between my
thumb and forefinger, twisting it as I imagined it was Logan’s hand arousing
me.

I whimpered at the
thought and slipped my other hand beneath my panties, finding the wetness that
I already knew would be there. I stroked myself as I continued to caress my
nipple with my other hand, all the while imagining it was Logan who touched me.
My eyes fluttered closed as I tipped my head back, and my breathing grew
labored. My touches became more frenzied as pressure built up inside me. In my
mind, Logan’s face darkened with desire as he stroked my swollen flesh.

I opened my eyes
and looked at myself in the mirror. The fantasy fell away, and I saw that I was
utterly alone. I dropped my hands as my arousal deflated. I was only torturing
myself because there was nothing left to salvage between us. The sooner I forgot
about him, the better.

My dreams believed
otherwise, torturing me further with images of him even in my sleep. I woke up
gasping from one particularly bad dream in which I watched him making love to
Kristina. The worst part was when she turned her head to look at me, it was
Cassie’s face I saw.

I was too afraid
to go back to sleep after that nightmare, so I spent the rest of the night
laying in bed wide awake, wishing Logan had never come back to Chicago.

Chapter Eighteen

I spent most of
Sunday moping around my apartment. I called Emily to let her know I was okay but
took a rain check on brunch. I had absolutely no desire to go out in public.

I tried to keep my
mind off Logan, but it was impossible. Breaking up a year ago had devastated
me, and it had been a while before I was able to function like a normal human
being again. As months passed, I had become better at pushing him to the back
of my mind. I had reached a point where I was almost able to convince myself
that I could move on with my life without being haunted by the memory of him.
But all of that had been shattered when he had reappeared in my life. The
gaping wound that I had patched up was raw again.

It was even worse
now because of Kristina. Every time I thought about the two of them together,
how their casual affection spoke of a comfortable relationship, I felt physically
ill. Emily’s insistence that Kristina looked like me burned like acid, although
the more I thought about it, the more I believed it was just a coincidence. I
was thinking way too highly of myself if I believed Logan was so desperate to
be with me that he had found a replacement for me.

It was starting to
get dark, but I just sat on the couch, not bothering to turn on any lights. The
setting sun matched my despondent mood, and I welcomed the darkness as it
enveloped me.

It was almost
completely dark in my apartment when my cell phone rang. The sound was jarring
in the silence, and the screen was a beacon of light in the shadows. My heart
caught in my throat when I saw Logan’s name flashing across the screen.

My hand hovered
over my phone as I debated whether I should answer it. A part of me was
desperate to snatch it up and hear his voice on the other end, but I knew the
healthy thing to do was to ignore his call and hope he would just leave me
alone. I didn’t want to go down a path of self-destruction. I had survived Logan
leaving me once before. I didn’t think I could survive it again.

Unfortunately, the
masochistic part of me won, and I answered it before it could go to voicemail.

“Hello?” I
answered tentatively.

“I was afraid you
weren’t going to answer.”

“I almost didn’t,”
I said honestly. “Why are you calling me?”

Logan hesitated
before answering. “I wanted to apologize for last night. I don’t have an excuse
for my behavior. I never planned for any of that to happen. I truly wanted us
to be friends again. I don’t know how things got so out of hand.”

I wasn’t willing
to just swallow his apology. He had known exactly what he was doing last night.
“Things got out of hand because you let them. The things you said to me… You
made me feel like a worthless piece of trash. We both hurt each other in the
past, yet you seemed hell bent on getting revenge on me last night. I’m not
going to take the blame for everything that happened between us a year ago.”

“I’m not asking
you to. Like I said, I have no excuses for last night. I called to tell you I’m
sorry and also to ask for another chance.”

“Another chance at
what?” My heart pounded against my chest at his words.

“At being friends.
I meant everything I said before about missing our friendship. Can we just
pretend that I didn’t behave like an ass last night and start fresh?”

I felt stupid that,
for one moment, hope had flared and I thought he was asking for another chance
at a romantic relationship. It reinforced the fact that I was far from over him
and that it would be dangerous to pursue anything with him, even friendship.

“I don’t think
that’s a good idea,” I said. My heart twisted a little, even though I knew it
was the right choice. It would be painful to cut him out of my life again, but
it was better to do it now rather than later when my emotions would be even
more invested. “We’ve already proven that it’s too easy for us to cross the
boundary of friendship.” My tone became hushed as I voiced a fear that had
plagued me since Logan’s party. “We don’t want a repeat of what happened in the
past.”

“Maddie, I can’t.”
Hearing him call me by my nickname was both painful and pleasurable. “I can’t
just pretend like you don’t exist, especially now that we’re living in the same
city again. I had a lapse in judgment last night. It won’t happen again. I care
about Kristina, and I’m not planning on cheating on her. I promise that I won’t
cross the line again.”

I felt a slice of
pain when he expressed his feelings for Kristina—more evidence that
pursuing a friendship with Logan was a bad idea. Despite knowing that, I
couldn’t completely close myself off to the idea of having Logan in my life
again. He was like an addiction for me, and now that I had gotten another hit,
it was even harder to walk away.

“I don’t know,” I
finally said with a sigh. “I have to think about it.”

“That’s good
enough for now,” Logan replied, sounding relieved. “Maybe once you give it some
time, you’ll see that a friendship between us can work.”

“Well,” I said
awkwardly after a brief pause. I had nothing left to say. “I guess I’ll be in
touch when I have a better idea of how I think we should move forward.”

“What about the
Fourth of July?” Logan asked quickly, as if he were loathe to let me off the
phone. “I was thinking of having a barbecue at my place.”

“A barbecue?” I
asked skeptically, recognizing that I wasn’t in any hurry to end the call,
either. “How are you going to have a barbecue in an apartment?”

“Hey, just call me
resourceful.” His change in tone made it apparent that he was trying to inject
some levity into the situation. “I have a hibachi grill and a balcony. What
more do I need?”

“Is that even
legal? I’d hate for you to get kicked out of your apartment when you’ve just
moved back.” I tried to match Logan’s light tone, but it wasn’t easy.

“That’s for me to
worry about. So will you come?” He sounded so hopeful, but I knew better than
to agree right away.

“I need to think
about it,” I said, trying to make my tone serious. The Fourth of July was only
a few days away, and I didn’t know if that was enough time to give me some
space and perspective. “Can I let you know on Wednesday?”

“Sure.” He sounded
a little deflated that I didn’t agree right away, but I tried to ignore how his
disappointment made me feel. “Feel free to invite Emily.”

I felt both a
sense of relief and emptiness when I disconnected the call with him. I sensed
that I was on a precipice, and my decision as to whether I was going to give
our friendship another shot would determine if I was going to be pushed over
the edge.

I told myself over
the next couple of days that I definitely wouldn’t be going over to Logan’s on
Thursday for the Fourth of July. I even told Emily I was sure I wasn’t going to
go when I told her about my conversation with him. Yet, when I called him on
Wednesday to graciously refuse his invitation, I found myself agreeing to
attend.

“Are you sure
you’re up for this?” Emily asked when the cab dropped us in front of Logan’s apartment
building. I felt a sense of déjà vu—it was the same exact question she
had asked me the night of Logan’s disastrous party. Although I probably should
have known better this time, my answer was the same.

“I’ll be okay. If
it gets to be too much, we can just leave.”

We made our way up
to Logan’s apartment, and I tightly gripped the bottle of wine I had brought as
we waited for him to open the door.

I was irrationally
disappointed when Kristina opened the door instead of Logan. She looked
effortlessly pretty in a pink sundress that made her look like the epitome of
the girl-next-door. I felt instantly drab in my jeans and tank top. I had
dressed casually since it was a barbecue, but I had a feeling I was woefully underdressed.
Emily was dressed as informally as I was so at least we would stick out like
sore thumbs together.

“I’m so glad you
two could make it!” Kristina exclaimed as she ushered us inside. I tried to not
seem too awkward as I returned the enthusiastic hug she gave both of us. I was
surprised when I saw that no one else had arrived yet and my worry about being
underdressed vanished as another worry took its place. Where was everyone?

“Thanks for
inviting us,” Emily said, handing her the bottle of wine she’d brought. “We
weren’t sure what to bring so we just brought a couple bottles of wine.”

“Thanks!” Kristina
said with a wide smile. “We already have some beer and wine, but these will be
a great addition.”

I wordlessly
handed her my bottle as she waved us towards the living room and told us to
make ourselves comfortable before disappearing into the kitchen.

“Uh, where the
hell is everyone else?” Emily asked under her breath as we sat down on the
sofa.

“I don’t know,” I
whispered. “Maybe we’re really early or the other people are really late.”

Our hushed
conversation was cut short when Logan strode into the living room. Even in
jeans and a t-shirt, his presence was overwhelming; he seemed to fill the room.
His smile when he saw us was a mixture of eagerness and caution. We stood to
greet him, and I felt a thrill of awareness when he leaned down to give me a
quick kiss on the cheek.

“Thanks for coming
over,” he said as he looked down at me with his bottomless blue eyes. “It means
a lot to me.”

I took a step back
to maintain some distance between us. “Sure. Thanks for inviting us.” I bit my
lip as I tried to think of how to phrase my next question, but there was no
other way to ask except to be blunt. “Where is everyone?”

“What do you
mean?” he asked, looking honestly perplexed.

“You know, the
other guests,” Emily chimed in. “Are we really early or something?”

“There are no
other guests. It’s just the four of us. I thought it would be nicer to have a
smaller gathering.” Logan shrugged. “I guess I forgot to mention it.”

Great. I would
have no buffer between me and Logan. Not only that, I would have a front-row
seat to his and Kristina’s lovey-dovey relationship.

“Logan, get them
some drinks,” Kristina said as she came back into the living room carrying
plates of cheese, crackers, and dip. “Help yourselves to some snacks. I’m not
sure how well Logan’s grilling on the balcony is going to turn out, so we might
be reduced to making a meal out of this. I also have a pizza place on speed
dial in case it comes to dire measures.”

“Hey now,” Logan
said in an affronted tone, but he was smiling. “Don’t start disparaging my
grilling skills before I’ve even tried. I think you’ll be pleasantly
surprised.”

Their easy banter
was grating on my nerves, so I interrupted them. “I’ll have a beer. Any kind is
fine.”

Logan left to get
two beers after Emily said she’d have one as well. Kristina set the platters of
food on the coffee table as Emily and I sat back down. Kristina sat across from
us in the smaller loveseat, and I leaned over to take a cracker to have
something to do.

“So, you and Logan
went to the same college,” Kristina said with an easy smile before taking a sip
of her wine.

“That’s right,” I
replied, trying to force a natural smile. “But I transferred out of the University
of Michigan after my junior year.”

“Logan mentioned
that.”

I tensed as I
wondered what else Logan had mentioned. Had he told her about Cassie?

“Where did you go
to school, Kristina?” Emily asked.

I was grateful
that she was guiding the conversation away from my past.

“I went to UCLA. I
was born and raised in Southern California, so Chicago is quite a change for
me.”

Emily made a face
of sympathy. “It’s a good thing you moved here in the summer. It’ll give you
some time to acclimate before you have to deal with one of our winters.”

“I told Logan that
my love for him is going to face a true test once winter rolls around. He’s
going to have to work hard to make up for the snow and cold I’m going to have
to face.”

“It’s not that
bad,” I said, trying not to grimace at her mention of love. Her critical
remarks about Chicago was also grating on my nerves, although I knew it was
hypocritical of me since I didn’t exactly love the Chicago winters either. “You
get used to it after a while.”

“Is Kristina
complaining about the weather again?” Logan interrupted as he came back into
the living room. He handed Emily and me a beer, and sat down next to Kristina.
I was relieved when he maintained some space between them. I didn’t know if I
could stop myself from throwing my beer at them if they started cuddling in
front of me. It was bad enough when he smiled affectionately at her. “She keeps
telling me I’m going to have to do something big to make up for dragging her
away from a place that’s perennially sunny to a city that’s known for frigid
winters.”

“I don’t blame
her,” I said, trying to suppress my animosity towards Kristina. She hadn’t done
anything wrong in this situation. If anything, I should be feeling guilty for
what had happened last weekend right under her nose. “You’re a great catch,
Logan, but not
great enough to give
up California weather.”

Logan laughed
easily at my joke, and I took a long swallow of my beer. I could keep this up
for a couple of hours. I could be friendly and joke around and pretend that
seeing Logan with Kristina wasn’t ripping my heart to shreds.

“Did you tell them
the good news?” Logan asked Kristina.

“It’s no big
deal,” she said, making a face. “I accepted an offer at an agency yesterday, so
now I’m gainfully employed.”

“That’s great!”
Emily exclaimed. She latched onto the topic and asked Kristina several
questions about her new job. I just listened as I drank my beer. I was
surprised when I lifted the bottle to my mouth to find that it was the last
sip. I didn’t realize I had been drinking so quickly.