Of Love & Regret (25 page)

“Want another
beer?” Logan asked, having noticed that my bottle was now empty.

“Sure.” I only
glanced at him briefly and then turned back to Kristina, who had finished
talking about her job and was now asking Emily about hers. I wasn’t really
listening to them. I was just focused on watching Kristina and trying to see
similarities between us.

“What about you,
Madison?” she asked, turning to me. I jumped guiltily, having been caught
staring at her. I also had no idea what she was asking me.

“Uh,” I stammered,
feeling foolish. I made a guess that she was asking me about my job, since that
was the topic of conversation, and I decided to go with it. “I write for an
online magazine called
The Monitor
Reports
.”

“That sounds so
interesting,” she replied. “What type of things do you write about?”

“It varies,” I
said, relieved that I had apparently guessed correctly about her question. “I
write a weekly column, and I’m fortunate enough to get to pick my own topics.”

I accepted the
beer Logan handed me when he came back from the kitchen and took a long sip. He
had also brought out a platter of raw hamburger patties and hot dogs.

“I thought I’d get
these started on the grill,” he said. “Want to help me?”

He was looking
straight at me, and instead of considering whether it was wise to be alone with
Logan, I jumped at the opportunity to escape Kristina’s questions, as innocent
as they were.

“Sure.” I glanced
at Kristina to see if she was bothered that Logan had asked me to help instead
of her, but she was already engrossed in a conversation with Emily again. I
didn’t miss the look Emily gave me, but I ignored it as I followed Logan out to
his expansive balcony that spanned the length of the living room. The balcony
was as impeccably decorated as the inside of the apartment with several
ornamental plants, an outdoor dining set, and two lounge chairs.

“It’s beautiful up
here,” I commented as he closed the balcony door behind us. “This is a step up
from your old place, as nice as it was.”

“Work has been
going well,” Logan said simply. He set down the platter of meat on the table
and started fiddling with the charcoal on the grill that was much larger than
the hibachi grill he had joked about. I watched him silently, aware that we
were in plain view of Kristina and Emily through the glass.

Logan straightened
after he had doused the charcoal briquettes with lighter fluid and lit them.
“We have to wait a few minutes for the fire to die down and the briquettes to
turn gray before we put the food on.”

I nodded though I
knew nothing about grilling. I leaned against the railing of the balcony and immediately
tensed when Logan came closer, but he just simply stood next to me as he gazed
out into the city. Clouds muted the afternoon sun, making the summer heat more
bearable.

We were silent for
a while before Logan spoke. “So far so good,” he said, looking at me with a wry
smile. I knew what he was talking about without him having to clarify.

“I guess,” I said
half-heartedly. “It’s not hard to behave when we’re in front of your
girlfriend.”

“We’re alone now,”
he reasoned.

I made a face at
him. “Yeah, but she can see us through the glass. That’s not really being
alone.”

Logan didn’t
respond right away. When he did, his voice was quieter. “Do you see Adam at all
anymore?”

I gave him an
incredulous look. “Are you kidding me? After what he did with Mrs. Brooks? I’m
just relieved that he’s left me alone. He’s lucky that he never showed his face
again after the stunt he pulled. I would have probably done him some bodily
harm.”

“Are you seeing
someone now?” Logan was still staring straight ahead as he asked his question.

“You asked me that
before, and I said no. Anyways, I don’t think that’s an appropriate topic of
conversation.” Not only was it inappropriate but it was also annoying. How many
times was he going to ask me the same question?

He turned to look
at me, his expression bland. “Why not? We’re friends. Friends can talk about
their respective relationships.”

“We’re far from
being normal friends, Logan. From where I stand, we’re just figuring out if we
can be in the same space without hurting each other.”

“So that means you
are
seeing someone.”

I made a sound of
impatience. “No. I already told you I wasn’t. But even if I was, it’s none of
your business.”

Logan frowned, but
didn’t push the issue. Instead, he changed the topic to another sensitive
subject. “Have you seen Cassie’s mother recently?”

I shook my head.
“No, I’ve only seen her once since you’ve been gone. It wasn’t too long after
you left.” My expression turned grim. “It didn’t go so well.”

“What happened?”
he asked, looking concerned.

Logan was the last
person I should be confiding in. I wasn’t sure if sharing confidences was smart,
because it would only bring us dangerously closer together. But he was the only
person who understood the mess of my past and its repercussions because he had
been a part of it all. It felt natural to share confidences with him.

“I decided I was
sick of pretending. I was gentle, but I tried to get Mrs. Brooks to admit that
Cassie was gone.”

“Good for you,”
Logan said. “It’s about time she faced the truth.”

I shook my head.
“It was a mistake. I pushed too far. She became hysterical to the point where I
was afraid she was going to hurt herself. I was stupid enough to think I was
the one who could get her to face the fact that Cassie is dead. Instead, I just
made things worse. Mr. Brooks had to sedate her before she became too out of
control.”

Logan gently put
his hand on my shoulder, squeezing lightly in sympathy. “I’m sorry you had to go
through that.”

I looked up Logan,
reveling in the feeling that he cared about me, even as just a friend. It was
something I had desperately missed.

“It was my own
fault,” I said with a sigh. “I thought I could somehow save her, make her see
the truth. I realized that she’ll never be able to face the truth until she
makes the decision to do so on her own. I didn’t go to their house for Cassie’s
last birthday. I know it’s not my place to try to force Mrs. Brooks to face
that Cassie is gone, but I also can’t pretend like she’s still here. I can’t do
that to myself, and I can’t do that to Cassie anymore.” I dropped my head to
stare at my hands. When I spoke again, my voice was much quieter. “I still miss
her so much. Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that she was so vibrant and
alive. When will the pain go away?”

Logan’s hand
lifted from my shoulder, and he raised it until it was just hovering over my
cheek. I held my breath, unsure if he was about to caress my face, a gesture
that used to be so natural between us, but instead he dropped his hand to his
side, his hand clenched into a fist. I glanced quickly through the balcony door
to see if Kristina was watching us, but she was looking in Emily’s direction as
they talked.

“I don’t think
you’ll ever stop missing her,” he said quietly. “And I don’t know if the pain
will ever go away. But I think not participating in the charade of her being
alive will help a lot. How can you properly grieve for someone if you have to
pretend they’re still alive?”

I didn’t respond
because I had no reply. We were silent for a while, but this time it was
companionable instead of awkward. I felt oddly bereft of his company when he
went to place the meat on top of the grill, even though he had only moved a few
feet away from me. The distance burst the bubble we had been in, and I was once
again reminded of how different things were between us now.

Logan didn’t
really need any help, so I just stood there and watched him grill the food.
Kristina and Emily came out to join us on the balcony after a while and the
conversation turned casual. We ate outside since the weather was so nice, and I
relaxed enough to enjoy everyone’s company, even Kristina’s. After eating
enough hamburgers, hot dogs, and the potato salad Kristina had prepared to make
us feel uncomfortably full, we spent the rest of the waning afternoon on the
balcony. I drank enough beer to feel pleasantly buzzed, and it muted the sharp
pain that pierced me whenever I saw Logan and Kristina acting affectionate towards
each other.

I didn’t comment
when Emily asked to use the bathroom and Kristina showed her to one right off
the living room. Apparently, there was more than one bathroom in Logan’s
apartment, and he had purposely taken me to the one that required going through
the bedroom the night of his party. But it didn’t matter anymore, and I let it
go.

By the time the
fireworks began over Navy Pier which we were able to see from Logan’s balcony,
I was starting to believe that this could actually work. I could be friends
with Logan, and I could come to terms with him being with someone else. After
all, what was the worst that could happen?

Chapter Nineteen

After spending the
Fourth of July at Logan’s apartment, we came to a tenuous understanding about
our relationship. We had a fragile friendship, and I knew that we would never
be as close as we used to be, but that was probably for the best. We
occasionally texted each other, but even those exchanges were somewhat forced,
and I found myself weighing my words carefully before sending him anything.

It was about a
week after his barbecue when he texted me to see if I wanted to go to the Half
Pitcher the next night, which was a Friday. I hesitated before writing back,
but I already knew what my answer would be.

That sounds good. I’ll see if Emily is free.

I only had to wait
a few seconds for his reply.

I don’t know if Kristina is going to be able
to make it since she’s been working pretty late hours at her new job. It can
just be the two of us.

We were heading
into dangerous territory, and as tempting as it was to have Logan’s sole
attention, I knew it wasn’t a good idea.

I think it’s better if Emily comes along.

Logan didn’t
respond back, and I tried to not read too much into his lack of a reply.
Unfortunately, when I called Emily she told me she wouldn’t be able to go.

“Why not?” I asked
plaintively, aware that I sounded like a whiney little kid not getting their
way. “I really, really, really want you to come.”

“Madison,” she
said patiently. “I can’t always be the buffer between you and Logan. You know
what I think about you and him being just friends. I don’t think it’s possible.
But if you’re going to have even a chance at making it work, you two need to be
able to be alone without anything happening. Besides, even if I wanted to come,
I can’t. Sylvia sprung a last minute work trip to New York on me, and we’re
leaving tomorrow morning. I won’t be back until Tuesday night.”

I sighed, knowing
that Emily was right, but I was still afraid of being alone with Logan. “Sorry,
you must be sick and tired of the drama between me and Logan.”

Emily’s voice
softened. “Don’t be sorry. I know how hard this is for you, and I want to be
there for you. I just can’t tomorrow.”

“I know. And I
appreciate how much you’ve been there for me already. I hope you’re able to
squeeze in some fun while you’re in New York.”

“I doubt it,” she
said, sounding disgruntled. “I’ll be lucky if I get to sleep at night.”

After I got off
the phone with Emily, I debated what to text Logan. Even though I knew Logan
and I had to face being alone at some point, our newly reformed friendship was
still in its infancy, and I didn’t know if I was ready yet. But instead of
texting him that I wasn’t able to make it on Friday, I found myself asking him what
time I should meet him.

When I stepped inside
the Half Pitcher the next night, the last thing I expected was to see him
sitting at a table with Kristina next to him. I should have been relieved that
we wouldn’t be alone, but instead I felt a swift pierce of disappointment. I
tried to mask it with a smile as I approached the table.

“Hey, guys,” I
said casually. I only glanced briefly at Logan as he got up and pulled out a
chair for me before focusing my attention on Kristina. “I hope you weren’t
waiting for me for too long.”

“We just got here
a few minutes ago,” Kristina chirped happily. “I didn’t think I’d be able to
make it because work has been crazy, but luckily, I was able to get out early
today.”

“That’s great,” I
said, trying to muster up some enthusiasm. “Unfortunately, Emily is out of town
for work, so she won’t be coming tonight.”

Logan poured me a
beer from the pitcher they had already ordered, and I gratefully took a large
gulp of it. I was going to need some liquid courage to face a night alone with
the loving couple.

“That’s too bad,”
Kristina said. “I guess that just means more nachos for the rest of us!”

“Kristina has been
excited to try the nachos ever since I told her how massive they are,” Logan
explained.

“What can I say?”
Kristina said with an impish grin. “I’m a lover of all things cheese.”

“You and me both,”
I said, trying not to be put off by how friendly she was. The fact that I
disliked her for being so likable made me feel like a horrible person. “Just
wait until you see the size of them. It’s probably enough to feed five people
with some left over.”

Logan waved the
waitress over to order the nachos and another pitcher of beer. I tensed when
Kristina excused herself to go to the bathroom.

“I didn’t think
she would be able to make it tonight,” Logan said, almost apologetically when
she had disappeared into the crowd.

I shrugged
nonchalantly. “It doesn’t matter. It’s probably better that she’s here.” I let
my gaze drift, idly studying the noisy bar to break eye contact with him. The crowd
was already turning raucous, and I knew from experience that it could get
pretty crazy on a Friday night. “I haven’t been here in forever.”

Logan seemed to
take my lead and let the conversation turn casual. “I thought you would be here
every weekend with how much you love the nachos.”

I made a face at
him. “You’re the one who was obsessed with them! The only reason I came here so
often was because you dragged me.”

“It was only fair
recompense for having to go to the aquarium so damn much.”

The smile that had
been playing around the edges of my mouth disappeared. I hadn’t been to the
aquarium since Logan had left because it was where the beginning of the end had
started. “I haven’t really been to the aquarium much, either.”

Logan frowned. “Why
not? You love that place.”

“I’ve just been
too busy, I guess,” I lied. I grabbed onto the first topic I could think of to
change the subject. “How’s work?”

“Good, nothing too
interesting.”

I pushed Logan to
give me more details because it was a safe topic of conversation. He humored me
with his answers, although I could tell that the last thing he wanted to talk
about was work. Kristina was taking forever in the bathroom, and I was actually
relieved when I saw her making her way back to the table.

“The line was
huge!” she said as she sat back down.

“It gets pretty
crowded here on Friday nights,” I said. “Just wait a couple more hours. It’ll
be even crazier.” Work had been a safe topic with Logan, so I latched onto the
same subject with Kristina. “How was your first week at your new job?”

I kept her talking
about her work, only half-listening because I was too busy thinking of the next
question to ask her so there wouldn’t be a lull in the conversation.

My tactic worked
to fill the silence, but keeping the conversation going was tiring. I was
relieved to see the waitress coming over with our nachos and pitcher of beer.

“Oh my God, you
weren’t kidding,” she exclaimed after the waitress had set our food and pitcher
on the table. “This is huge!”

“I always regret
it the next morning,” I said as we dove into the nachos. “But I can never
resist them.”

As we ate, I
noticed Logan pushing all the jalapenos in my direction. For some reason,
knowing that he hadn’t forgotten how much I loved them made my chest tighten a little.
I didn’t look at him as I continued to eat because I was dangerously close to
crying, and I knew looking at him would send me over the edge. It was stupid to
get so emotional over some damn jalapenos, but in that moment, they represented
everything I had lost.

“Do you mind if I
grab some jalapenos?” Kristina asked me, breaking through my misery. “They’re
all congregated on your side. I don’t want you to think I’m a jalapeno thief.”

Her tone was
joking and she seemed completely unaware of the connotations of her comment. I
tried to smile at her as I grabbed a fork and pushed them over to her side. “Go
ahead. I don’t even like jalapenos.” I jumped up from the table without looking
at Logan. “Excuse me. I have to go to the restroom.”

I had almost made
it to the bathroom when the tears started spilling down my face. Fate, for
once, must have been on my side because miraculously there was no line to the
bathroom. I pushed open the door and locked myself in the first empty stall and
started to sob, trying to be quiet so that the other women in the bathroom
wouldn’t hear me.

The constricted
pain in my chest didn’t loosen as I let the tears flow. I couldn’t do this. I
couldn’t watch Logan be with some other woman. Cutting him out of my life couldn’t
be more painful than witnessing him with someone else.

It took me a while
to stop crying, and I took in deep breaths to calm myself. When I finally came
out of the stall and looked in the mirror above the sink, it was obvious from
my blotchy face and red eyes that I had been crying. I frowned at my reflection
as I washed my hands.

“Are you okay?” a
girl standing at the next sink asked me sympathetically.

“Yeah, thanks for
asking,” I said with a wan smile. “It’s just been one of those weeks.”

She nodded in
understanding. “I know how that goes.”

Despite her
kindness, I was relieved when she left the bathroom without asking any more
questions. I stayed in the bathroom a little longer until my eyes were no
longer red and I looked presentable again.

The crowd and music
hit me when I stepped out of the bathroom, and I debated making the excuse of
not feeling well so I could make my escape. I was halfway to the table when a
tall man with dark brown hair and an easy grin stopped me.

“Why are you
looking so down?” he asked with a charming smile. “It’s the start of the
weekend. You should be happy.”

Despite finding
him attractive, the last thing I wanted was be hit on by some random stranger.

“I have to get
back to my friends,” I said, ignoring his question.

“Let me at least
buy you a drink to put a smile on your face. It’s my civic duty as a good
Samaritan.”

His cheesy line
should have put me off, but I felt a sudden surge of anger as I thought about
Logan back at the table with Kristina. Maybe a little fun was what I needed to
get my mind off him.

“I guess I can’t
keep you from doing your civic duty,” I said, returning his smile. “A drink
sounds good.”

His eyebrows rose
as if he were surprised I actually agreed. He guided me to the bar and flagged
down the bartender to order the beer I requested. He handed it to me with a
flourish.

“There you go.
Thanks for letting me do my good deed for the day.”

“No problem,” I
said with a laugh, feeling myself relax a little. Maybe this was just what I
needed to get my mind off Logan.

“My name’s Todd,”
he said, leaning close to me so I could hear him over the noise of the crowd.

“Nice to meet you.
I’m Madison.”

“So what are you
doing here on a Friday night, Madison?”

“Nothing much,” I
said as I took a sip of the beer. “I just came with a couple of friends.”

“You mean someone
as gorgeous as you isn’t here with your boyfriend?”

I suppressed the
urge to roll my eyes at his line. I wasn’t here for the quality of the company.
I was here for the distraction.

“No boyfriend,” I
said. “I’m not looking for anything serious.”

Todd’s eyes lit up
at my statement. Apparently, he wasn’t looking for anything serious either. He
leaned down to speak closer to my ear, his lips brushing against my hair. “I
think we’re both looking for the same thing tonight.”

Before I could
respond, Todd pulled back abruptly. Looking up at Logan’s angry face, I
realized he had wrenched Todd away from me.

“What are you
doing?” he asked. Even though the bar was loud and noisy, I could hear the
undercurrent of rage in his voice.

“What does it look
like I’m doing?” I asked defiantly. “I’m talking to someone.”

“Hey, man, what’s
your deal?” Todd shot Logan a dirty look. “This has nothing to do with you.”

Logan turned to
him. The look on his face must have relayed the level of his anger, because
Todd flinched before Logan even spoke. “You’re fucking around with something
that’s mine. That has everything to do with me.”

Todd put his hands
up in supplication as he shot me an accusing look. “Hey, she said she didn’t
have a boyfriend.”

“I don’t!” I was
enraged not only by Logan’s attitude, but by his words. Last time I checked, I
wasn’t some
thing
that he owned. I
pushed against Logan’s chest, trying to get some space between us. “What the
hell is your problem? Your
girlfriend
is back at the table waiting for you.”

Logan ignored me
and grabbed my wrist. My protests were drowned out by the noisy crowd as he
dragged me towards the back of the bar. He led me into a dark hallway and flung
open a door that said
Employees Only
and
turned on the light
.
I found myself
in a storage room that was filled with cleaning supplies. I ripped my wrist out
of Logan’s grasp as he slammed the door shut. I went to grab the doorknob but
he moved in front of me to block it.

“Are you crazy?
We’re not supposed to be in here. Get out of my way!”

Logan was
breathing heavily, and I should have been frightened by the look in his eyes,
but I felt only rage at his heavy-handedness.

“What were you
doing with that guy?” His steady voice belied the burning anger on his face. I
felt a sudden chill of nervousness and crossed my arms against my chest to try
to hide my reaction. I wasn’t going to let myself be bullied by him.

“That’s none of
your business.” I took a deep breath, trying to get a handle on the situation.
I had never seen Logan so irate, and even though I was pissed off by his
behavior, it was better to neutralize his anger. “This conversation is
pointless. Kristina is going to be wondering where we are. We should get back
before she starts getting suspicious.”