Authors: S. H. Kolee
I woke up with a
scream lodged in my throat and the cold fingers of a terrifying nightmare still
pulling at me. My clothes were soaked with sweat, and I gasped for breath. I
forced myself to focus on my surroundings, telling myself that it was nothing
but a dream. I took long, shuddering breaths, trying to slow my erratic pulse.
Dawn was on the
brink of breaking, bathing my bedroom in an eerie, pale light. It had been a
while since I had dreamed about Cassie. I welcomed the dreams that were happy
memories of the past. I dreaded the ones that were nightmares about her death.
Unfortunately, I had woken up from the latter.
I glanced at the clock
and saw that it was barely five o’clock in the morning. I lay in bed, staring
up at the ceiling, trying to blot out the visions that crowded my mind by focusing
on the good memories of Cassie. I remembered the first time I had seen her. I
had walked into the fifth-grade classroom, so nervous that I could’ve sworn my
knees were knocking together. As a painfully shy ten-year-old, there was
nothing more terrifying than having twenty sets of curious eyes studying me
while the teacher introduced me.
I clearly
remembered focusing on Cassie in the crowd of students. It was hard not to
notice her because she stood out, even then. Her blonde hair was so shiny that
it practically gave her a halo and flowed down her back in golden waves. She
had a barrette clipped on each side, and I remembered wishing that my mousey brown
hair would cascade like hers. I immediately recognized her as one of the
special people. The type of person everybody flocked to and wanted to be
friends with.
She had smiled at
me when I passed by her desk on my way to my designated seat in the back of the
classroom. I had looked at her blankly, confused by her friendliness, and then proceeded
to spend the rest of the morning mentally kicking myself for not smiling back.
I was naturally introverted and at an awkward stage, and I had been flummoxed
by her gesture of friendliness. I told myself that her smile didn’t mean
anything because I doubted she needed any more friends.
I was right in my
assessment when I saw the other girls competing to sit next to her at lunch. We
were assigned tables by class, and I sat at the end of ours, a few seats away
from the rest of the group. I tried to concentrate on eating my sandwich, but
my stomach was roiling from nervousness and embarrassment. I had no one to talk
to, no friend to whisper secrets to, and I felt like an outcast.
I had dumped most
of my lunch untouched in the trashcan and gone outside for recess. I sat near
the swings on the wooden boundary that ran the perimeter of the playground,
apart from everyone else. I was trying to look engrossed in digging at the dirt
with the toe of my shoe when I saw a shadow fall over me. I looked up, and
there she was, smiling down at me like we were already friends.
“Hi,” she said. “I’m Cassie Brooks.”
“Hi. I’m Madison Bailey.” I winced at how
squeaky my voice sounded, but I smiled to try to mask my nervousness. I was
surprised when Cassie sat down next to me.
“Where did you move from?”
“Indiana. My dad and I moved here ‘cause he
got a new job.”
Cassie cocked her head at my statement.
“What about your mom?”
I felt my face getting hot from
embarrassment. I hated explaining about my mother because people either felt sorry
for me or thought I was weird. I hated both reactions. “She doesn’t live with
us. She left when I was little.”
Cassie nodded her head with more understanding
than was to be expected from a ten-year-old. “My Uncle Richard left, so my
cousin Robbie only has a mom now.”
I was unsure of how to respond, so I just
stayed silent.
“Do you have any brothers or sisters?”
I shook my head. “No. What about you?”
“I’m a lonely only, too!” she said
enthusiastically, as if she had just found out we were twins that had been
separated at birth. “Cool!”
She dug into her pocket and opened her hand
to reveal two Hershey Kisses.
“Want one?” she asked. “Kellie gave them to
me because she wants me to go over to her house today.” She rolled her eyes,
looking more like an adult than a child. “I hate going to her house. She always
makes me play pretend with her lame Barbies. I’m a little too old for that.”
I took one of the Hershey Kisses and
silently unwrapped it, putting it in my mouth. The chocolate started to melt on
my tongue and I relished the sweetness of it.
“You don’t really talk much,” she commented.
I felt myself flush again, not sure if she
was insulting me.
She continued with an encouraging smile,
seeming to have noticed my discomfort. “I like that. Everyone around me is
always talking, talking, talking. Sometimes I just want to yell at everyone to
be quiet so I can hear myself think.”
I smiled a genuine smile, feeling proud that
Cassie admired a trait in me.
“Wanna come over today?” she asked as she
unwrapped her Hershey Kiss.
“Why?” I blurted out without thinking. I
didn’t understand why she was trying to befriend me—a small quiet girl who
spent most of her time inside her own head.
Cassie laughed like I had said something
funny. Her laugh was lilting and musical and completely infectious. I started
giggling as well, although I had no idea what she found so funny.
“I like you, Maddie,” she announced with
conviction. “I think we’re going to be really good friends.”
I usually hated the nickname Maddie, but
coming from Cassie’s lips, I suddenly didn’t seem to mind it anymore.
That had been the
start of a decade-long friendship where we had become more like sisters than
just friends. My chest ached at the memory and the loss of her in this world
and in my life.
I tried to clear
my head. It was only natural to be preoccupied with thoughts of Cassie since
her birthday was coming up, but dwelling on her loss wouldn’t do me any good.
I got out of bed
and padded to the bathroom, grimacing at my wild hair and sleep-bleary eyes
that looked back at me in the mirror. After a quick shower, I had coffee and
toast and then turned on my computer to work on this week’s article.
Despite the
distractions of Cassie’s memory, I was able to get a decent amount of work done
for my article. It was about a local restaurant that was 100% volunteer driven,
where customers could get a hot meal and pay whatever they could afford. The grumbling
of my stomach finally distracted me from my writing, and when I checked the
time, I was surprised to see that it was already almost one o’clock.
I went into the
kitchen and opened the refrigerator, staring at the dismal contents. I hadn’t
gone grocery shopping in a while, and it showed. I ended up just nuking one of
the frozen meals that I always kept stocked in the freezer and called it a day.
As I ate, my mind
wandered to Logan. I wondered if he was eating lunch or if he was too busy working
to take a break. I knew he often skipped lunch with his insane workload, and I
found myself worrying about him. I frowned, realizing that I should be thinking
about Adam instead of Logan. I gave Adam a quick call, but his phone went
straight to voicemail, and I hung up without leaving a message.
After lunch, I
went back to work, but it was harder to concentrate this time. I found myself
frequently glancing at my silent phone until I finally forced myself to put it
in my bedroom and switch the ringer to silent so I would stop obsessing.
My discipline paid
off, and I spent the rest of the afternoon diligently working on my article. It
was six o’clock when I finally turned off the computer. I stretched with a yawn
and rolled my stiff shoulders, feeling the strain of having been hunched over
my computer for so many hours.
I was disappointed
when I retrieved my cell phone from the bedroom and saw that I had no missed
calls and the only text I had received was from Emily, complaining about her
difficult client at work and how she wanted to commit hari-kari on herself to
avoid the woman.
I wrote back a
suitably sympathetic response and decided that the only thing I was going to do
tonight was sit in front of my television and eat Chinese food. After I ordered
some Kung Pao Chicken and fried rice, I turned on the television and waited for
the delivery to arrive.
I was rewarded by
the buzzer to the entrance of my apartment building sounding only twenty
minutes later. I pressed the button to unlock the front door without bothering
to check that it was the delivery guy through the intercom since I wasn’t
expecting anyone else. After a few seconds, there was a knock at my door and I
grabbed my wallet before opening it. I blinked in surprise when I saw Logan
standing in front of me instead of a man bearing Chinese food.
“What are you
doing here?” I blurted out. The last person I expected to show up unannounced was
Logan, especially considering how our last meeting had ended. Despite having
spoken to him on the phone yesterday and having watched
Rear Window
together, I still felt uncomfortable seeing him in
person. I was still keenly aware of his physical presence—something I thought
would have worn off by now. He was dressed for work in a grey suit that was
perfectly tailored to his body. His black dress shirt was unbuttoned at the
collar and showed off the tanned expanse of his throat. His tie had been
discarded sometime during the day, which combined with his mussed blond hair, made
him look like a sophisticated, urbane man coming home from a long day at work.
I was painfully aware of how grubby I looked in my sweatpants and t-shirt. I
was thankful that I was at least wearing a bra.
“I guess it’s too
much to expect to be greeted with a hug and a cheerful hello,” he said drily as
he deftly walked past me into the apartment. I was still standing there with my
wallet in hand, feeling surprised yet pleased by his sudden appearance. I
closed the door and followed him into the living room. He took off his jacket,
draped it across the back of the couch, and plopped down like he was planning
on staying for a while.
“You shouldn’t
just buzz people up like that,” he admonished. “I could have been some serial
killer pressing on random buzzers until someone let me in.”
I dropped my
wallet on the coffee table and put my hands on my hips. “First of all, I was
expecting you to be my Chinese food. Second of all, you never answered my
question. What are you doing here? I thought hell had to freeze over for you to
leave work before seven o’clock.”
“I made an
exception today since I got so much work done over the weekend,” he explained
easily. “Good choice on the Chinese food. What exactly are we having?”
“
I’m
having Kung Pao Chicken and fried
rice,” I answered acerbically, dropping onto the couch next to him. “I have no
idea what you’ll be having, since I only ordered enough food for one person.”
Despite my tone, I
couldn’t deny how happy I was to see him. I had been afraid that things would
be weird between us, but the momentary awkwardness I had felt when I first
opened the door had disappeared. We seemed to be slipping easily into our
comfortable friendship.
“It’s okay. I’m
willing to share.” Logan picked up the remote and started flicking through the
channel guide. “Nothing good comes on Monday nights,” he commented
conversationally.
I laughed and
grabbed the remote away from him. “Seriously, Logan. What are you doing here?
You never drop by without calling first. Not that I mind. But what’s up?”
Logan quirked his mouth
and shrugged. “I was just going a little stir crazy at work and decided to
leave early. I found myself driving to your apartment instead of mine because I
wanted to see you. Isn’t that enough?”
I flushed at his
words, but I tried to hide my reaction. “Sure, it’s enough,” I said casually.
“I’m glad you stopped by.”
Logan smiled, and
for some reason, my heart thudded queerly against my chest at the sight. I was
saved by the buzzer of the front door, and I jumped up to answer it. Logan made
a movement to reach for his wallet, but I gave him a scathing look. He put his
hands up and shrugged. “Sorry. It’s a habit.”
I quickly padded
to the front door as he called out after me, “Remember to check to make sure
it’s the delivery guy first.”
I obliged, since
he had made a good point about blindly unlocking the door and letting whomever
into my building.
After I paid for
the food, I grabbed a couple of plates and sodas from the kitchen, and plunked
everything down on the coffee table. Despite my earlier protestations, the
portions from my local Chinese joint were obscenely large, and there was plenty
for two people. We both dug into the food as the evening news blared in the
background.
“Are you seeing
Ella this week?” I asked the question casually, although I already knew he was
seeing her tomorrow since I had overheard him making plans with her this past
weekend.
“Yeah, we’re going
out tomorrow.”
“Are you going to
break up with her?” I tried to keep my tone neutral, because I didn’t want him
to think that the answer mattered to me.
Logan shrugged.
“I’m not sure. I’ll see how it goes. Maybe you’re right. Maybe I need to give
her an actual chance instead of just blowing her off because she wants more.”
Great. I wanted to
kick myself for ever having lectured him about his lack of commitment when it
came to relationships. I stopped my thoughts in their tracks as soon as I
realized where they were headed. I should be happy that Logan was giving
someone an actual chance. Sure, I didn’t really think Ella was good enough for
him, but all that mattered was that he seemed to like her. He must, if he was considering
deepening their relationship. I told myself I was happy for him and forced
myself to say the sentiment out loud.