Of Love & Regret (9 page)

“Madison,” Mr.
Brooks said again, but this time there was steel in his voice. “Blow out the
candles.”

“What’s wrong?”
Mrs. Brooks asked, her voice much gentler. “Are you feeling okay? You look
pale.”

I shook my head,
unsure whether it was in response to her question or to this farce. I took a
step back, almost stumbling as I tried to put some space between me and the
candles, which seemed to burn even brighter. I felt suffocated and panicky, and
I instinctively lurched back when Mrs. Brooks put her hand on my shoulder.

“Maybe you should
lie down for a bit, dear,” Mrs. Brooks suggested, looking worried. “You look
like you’re about to faint.”

“She’s fine,” Mr.
Brooks said implacably. He had a bland expression on his face, but his eyes
were warning me. “Madison, blow out the candles or Cassie’s mother will be very
disappointed.”

It seemed
impossible to feel the heat of the candles, considering how small the flames
were, but I suddenly felt their oppressive warmth, and I backed farther away
until I bumped into a hard, unyielding object.

Logan’s arm
immediately came up around my waist, and I felt relief rush through me. Despite
the ugly words we had just thrown at each other, he still felt like a safe
haven. A
sane
safe haven, something this
household seemed to lack.

“We’re leaving,”
he announced, his voice hard. “We’re not doing this anymore.”

“Doing what?” Mrs.
Brooks asked, looking confused. “What are you talking about?”

Logan’s expression
softened when he turned to her. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Brooks, but we have to leave
now.”

She looked helplessly
at the cake. “But the candles…”

Logan grabbed my
hand, and without another word, he pulled me towards the front door. I was numb,
and allowed him to guide me. Mr. Brooks caught up to us before Logan could open
the door.

“Don’t do this,”
Mr. Brooks said to me, his voice quiet but urgent. “She needs you right now. If
you leave like this, she’ll spend the rest of the day wondering what went wrong,
until she’s unable to handle the confusion and has a breakdown.” His expression
turned grim. “You know how much your presence means to her today. You were like
a daughter to her. Don’t turn your back on her now.”

“Bullshit.”
Logan’s tone was harsh and his hand tightened around mine. “Don’t put this on
Madison. It’s not her fault that you’re unwilling to make Cassie’s mother face
the truth. I’m not going to stand here and let you push Madison to her breaking
point.” He took a deep breath, seeming to try to get a handle on his emotions.
When he spoke again, his voice was calmer. “I can’t even begin to imagine what
it must be like to lose a child. But you have to remember how close Cassie and
Madison were. Madison has gone through so much grief; don’t burden her with even
more by making her responsible for Mrs. Brooks’ happiness.”

Cassie’s father’s
gaze dropped to our intertwined hands, and I immediately let go of Logan’s,
feeling guilty. Mr. Brooks’ eyes narrowed as he studied my face, ignoring
Logan.

“Is there
something you’re not telling me?” he asked. I didn’t miss the edge in his
voice.

“No. I don’t know
what you mean.” I tried to sound convincing but my voice was unsteady. His look
of displeasure deepened.

“Madison, I
expected more from you. It’s obvious that there’s something going on between
you two. Cassie trusted you, and you’re repaying that trust by getting involved
with her boyfriend. How can you do that to her when you know how much she loved
him? Or does her death make him fair game?”

“Fuck this shit,”
Logan bit out, no longer willing to try to reason with Mr. Brooks. He flung
open the front door and grabbed my hand again, nearly dragging me to the car. I
was in a state of shock over Mr. Brooks’ words. I couldn’t believe his hateful
expression and accusatory tone. But instead of feeling outraged by it, it
reinforced everything that I had tried to forget. I had betrayed Cassie.

I let Logan guide
me into the car. I stared blankly out the windshield as he stalked to the other
side and slid into the driver’s seat. He started the engine without another
word and pulled away from the Brooks’ home. We didn’t speak for a few minutes.
I was trying to process everything that had just happened, willing myself not
to break down, when Logan finally broke the silence.

“Do you still want
to go over to your father’s?”

We had planned to
drop by my father’s house after visiting the Brooks, but I knew I couldn’t hide
how upset I was and I didn’t want to worry him.

“No,” I whispered.
I cleared my throat, trying to speak louder. “Let’s just go home.”

“Maddie,” he
started tentatively. He immediately cursed under his breath. “I’m sorry. I
didn’t mean to call you that. It just slips out sometimes.”

“It’s okay,” I
choked out. I took a long, shuddering breath and suddenly the dam burst. I
buried my face in my hands as my body was wracked in violent sobs. I felt the
loss of Cassie all over again, and the guilt of betraying her. It was my fault.
Everything was my fault.

I was barely aware
of Logan pulling the car over to the side of the road. I didn’t resist when he
unbuckled our seatbelts and leaned over to put his arms around me. I shouldn’t
be finding solace in his embrace, but I couldn’t deny the need to be close to
him.

“It’s okay,” he
said gently, stroking my back. “Let it all out.”

I sobbed even
harder at his words, feeling a confusing mix of despair and comfort by his
presence. His arms tightened around me, and I burrowed deeper into his embrace,
wanting to lose myself in him. I resented the middle console that prevented me
from getting closer to him. His head dropped to rest on top of mine, and I felt
his lips press against my hair.

When my tears
finally subsided, I felt my heart start to beat faster, and I found myself unable
to fully catch my breath. I pulled back to break the embrace as warning bells
went off in my head. I was dangerously close to crossing a line with Logan, and
once that boundary was violated, I wouldn’t be able to be friends with him
anymore.

I stared down at
my hands resting on the console, afraid to look at him. I made an involuntary
sound when he gently wiped away the tears that had tracked down my cheeks.

“Maddie,” he
whispered. I felt compelled to lift my head and meet his gaze. His eyes searched
my face as if he were looking for some sort of sign. My lips started to tremble
when he leaned in closer, and I knew we were crossing into dangerous territory.
Yet, I didn’t pull away. I could have easily drawn back and avoided his kiss,
but I felt a primal pull towards him, and instead of evading his lips, I leaned
forward to meet them.

I felt the faint
whisper of his breath before his lips met mine, and then I was too lost in a
sea of sensations to give thought to anything else. His mouth gently caressed
mine as our lips clung to each other, and the kiss quickly deepened. The taste
of him and the warmth of his soft lips had me pushing for more. He gently held
the sides of my head to hold me captive, as if he were afraid I was going to
pull away, but I didn’t think I could have even if I had been capable of
conscious thought.

A soft moan
escaped me, urging Logan to push for more. The pressure of his lips increased,
and I opened my mouth, aching to be as close to him as possible. My whole body
was enveloped in a sensual heat and an almost painful ache was growing in
intensity at my core.

Despite his
passion, up to this point Logan had seemed to be in control. This abruptly
changed when I placed my hands against his chest, my fingers digging into him
and grabbing his shirt to pull him closer to me. Suddenly, his control snapped,
and his hands slid to the back of my head, gripping my scalp as his lips became
more demanding. He pushed his tongue into my open mouth, laving it against my
own.

I was caught up in
a tide of uncontrollable desire, just trying to keep my head above water. I
eagerly welcomed his invasion as our tongues tangled around each other wildly,
and our lips feverishly came together. Logan groaned when my tongue entered his
mouth, and seemingly impossibly, our kiss became even wilder.

I heard a whimper,
not realizing that it was coming from me, and it stirred Logan to push for
more. His hands slid down my back to my bottom, and he pulled me towards him.
He growled when the console between us prevented him from pulling my body
against his. His hands gripped my waist as if he were going to just pick me up
and place me on his lap.

“Maddie,” he
rasped when he realized that feat wasn’t going to be so easy in the limited
confines of his SUV. “Swing your legs over to my side.”

Hearing him call
me by that nickname was like having a bucket of cold water thrown over me. My
conscience came flooding back with a vengeance. I pulled away, horrified by
what I was doing, especially on this day.

Logan lifted his
hand as if he were going to make a grab for me, but I moved back, pressing
myself against the car door to evade him. He was breathing heavily, and his
eyes pierced me with their intensity. I couldn’t draw in a full breath, and I
just stared at him as a dozen emotions went through me.

“Don’t,” he rasped
in a low voice. “Don’t pull away from me.”

I shook my head, unable
to speak. For a few moments, there were only the sounds of our heavy breathing.
When I was finally able to find my voice, it was broken and trembling.

“This was a
mistake. We can’t be doing this, especially today of all days. Please, let’s
just forget this ever happened.”

Logan’s face
tightened and his eyes narrowed. “This wasn’t a mistake. You’re just scared of
admitting your true feelings. Aren’t you tired of pretending?”

“I’m not
pretending,” I replied, trying to make my voice firm although I couldn’t hide
the tremor in it. “This is wrong. We’re friends, nothing more. I was just
over-emotional with today being Cassie’s birthday and what happened at her
parents’ house.”

His mouth
tightened, and I could see he was struggling to control his emotions. “Why is
this wrong? We’re not hurting anyone.”

“In case you’ve
forgotten, I have a boyfriend.” I tried to not make my voice accusatory since I
had been just as culpable in our slip-up as he was. Plus, I didn’t want to
agitate him to the point that he would push me about Cassie. “Please, let’s
just move past this. I
need
for us to
move past this so we can stay friends.”

“Friends.” Logan
spat the word out like it was distasteful. He gave me a humorless smile and
turned away from me, putting his seatbelt on angrily and changing the gear to
drive. “Yeah, we’re
friends.
”

I didn’t know how
to take his comment, so I was silent as he pulled back onto the road. I put my
seatbelt back on, and to give myself a distraction, I made a quick call to my
father to explain that I wouldn’t be able to stop by today. I gave the excuse of
having a deadline for work moved up. He was disappointed, but understood and I
promised I would visit him soon.

Not another word
was said between Logan and me on the drive home, and when he dropped me off in
front of my apartment building, he just gave me a curt nod in response to my
tentative thanks for driving.

He waited for me
to unlock the front door and step inside, as was customary, but the moment the
door closed behind me, he peeled off abruptly. I stared at the fast-disappearing
tail lights of his car, wondering if I had lost him for good.

Chapter Seven

The next few days
were miserable. Logan made no attempts to contact me, and the lack of his
presence in my life was painful, especially considering how we had last parted.
Even Adam noticed that I was being unusually quiet when he came over on
Wednesday night.

“What’s wrong,
babe?” he asked in the midst of eating Chinese take-out. It had been his
suggestion, and I couldn’t help comparing him to the last person I had eaten
Chinese food with.

“Nothing,” I
replied, trying to smile at him. In addition to being depressed over what had
happened between Logan and me, I was also trying to deal with the guilt of
having betrayed Adam. Not only had I betrayed him, I hadn’t given him a moment’s
thought while I was busy practically trying to swallow Logan whole.

“Why so glum,
then?” He gave me a sympathetic look. “Is it your article for work?”

I grasped onto the
excuse he gave me. “Yeah, I’m just having a hard time making it all come
together. I’m writing a piece about the recent drop of students’ standardized test
scores in our district, but it’s been difficult to get a perspective on the
issue that feels right to me.”

“I’m sure it’ll be
great,” Adam said reassuringly. “I’m having some problems on a chapter I’m
working on, too. I’m getting too bogged down by my narrative, and I’m trying to
devise ways to make the narrative work for me instead of the other way around.”

I listened to him
drone on about literary devices, grateful that he had latched onto the subject
so I didn’t have to contribute to the conversation. He could easily get caught up
on a topic and talk endlessly about it. Usually it annoyed me, but tonight, I
nodded and made encouraging sounds to keep him talking, although I was barely
listening.

“Madison.”

Adam’s tone of
voice made me realize that he had been trying to get my attention for a while
but my thoughts had drifted off. Not only was I preoccupied with what had
happened with Logan, but I was dreading tomorrow.

“Sorry,” I replied
with a sheepish look. “I zoned out for a minute. I didn’t get much sleep last
night.”

“That’s okay,
babe,” he replied with a sweet smile. “I was saying that I think it’s time to
take the next step in our relationship.”

I blinked at him,
confused by the topic our conversation had veered into. The last thing I
remembered him blathering on about was the flexibility of third-person
narratives.

“What do you
mean?” I asked, genuinely puzzled. Even though we had been dating for three
years, neither of us had ever broached the subject of our future. I was content
to take our relationship on a day-by-day basis, and I assumed Adam felt the
same way.

He took my hand
and squeezed it gently. “What I mean is, we’ve been together for three years. I
love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

I swallowed hard,
shocked by the words that were spilling so easily from his lips. It sounded
like he was on the verge of proposing, and that was the last thing I expected
from him. Hell, just a week ago I had been contemplating ending our
relationship, and here he was professing his undying love to me.

“Well?” he asked
expectantly. “Do you feel the same way?”

“Are you…” my
voiced trailed off. I cleared my throat and forced myself to say the words out
loud. “Are you asking me to marry you?”

“Of course I am,”
he replied with a tolerant smile. “What else does it mean when someone says he
wants to spend the rest of his life with you?”

“This is a shock,”
I said weakly, trying to get my racing thoughts in order. “I mean… we’ve never
even discussed living together, let alone marriage.”

“I’m discussing it
now. Will you marry me?”

I stared at him as
I tried to make sense of all this. I had never imagined being proposed to like
this, in front of cartons of lo mein and tofu stir-fry. Wasn’t he supposed to
get down on bended knee or something? Where was the ring?

I gave myself a
mental shake, trying to get my priorities in order. Never mind that the actual proposal
left a lot to be desired. Even if he had gotten down on one knee and showered
me with flowery prose while offering me a glittering diamond ring, it still wouldn’t
mask the fact that I had never imagined myself marrying Adam. At one point, I
had thought I was in love with him, but even then the thought of marriage had
never entered my mind.

Adam’s smile
faltered as I continued to stare at him. “Are you going to give me an answer?”

“I’m sorry.” I
took a deep breath and tried to be as honest as possible without hurting him.
“I’m just trying to process all of this. It’s coming out of left field for me.
How long have you been thinking about this?”

He shrugged. “I
always figured it was only a matter of time before we got married.”

“Really?” I couldn’t
keep the skepticism out of my voice, and he frowned in response.

“Of course. Didn’t
you?”

I hesitated,
trying to find a balance between honesty and tact. “I never really gave it much
thought. Things are going well between us the way they are now. Why change it?”

He frowned at my
reply. “This isn’t the response I expected. Is it because I don’t have a ring
yet? I thought we could get it together so that you can pick out exactly what
you want.”

I rubbed my
forehead, trying to get my racing thoughts in order. “This is... It’s just a
big surprise. Can you give me some time to think about it?”

Adam nodded,
although he didn’t look too pleased. “If that’s what you need, take some time
to think it over. “

I took his hand in
mine, realizing how difficult it must have been for him to propose, only to be
given a non-answer. “I’m sorry, Adam. I’m unbelievably touched by your
proposal. I just need a little bit of time to think about it. It just took me
off guard.”

His expression
cleared, and he gave me a sweet smile. “I understand. I know you’ll come to the
conclusion that we’re meant to spend the rest of our lives together once you
give it some thought.”

I nodded, although
I wasn’t too sure about his assertion. Adam was overly affectionate for the
rest of the evening, and I found it stifling, which made me even more confused
by what my answer to his proposal would be.

I was relieved
when Adam said he couldn’t stay the night because he had to get up early the
next day for a meeting. I didn’t even bother asking him what the meeting was
about as I ushered him out the door.

I immediately
called Emily the moment Adam left, needing to unload my confusion onto someone.

“What’s up?” she
asked in lieu of a greeting.

“Adam just
proposed to me.”

“What?!” Emily’s
screech almost broke my eardrum and I winced. “You’re kidding me!”

“Why is it such a
surprise?” I asked sourly, although I had been taken just as off guard. I didn’t
appreciate her sounding appalled, as if I had just told her the end of the
world was imminent. “We’ve been dating for three years.”

“Yeah, but you
guys have never even talked about marriage. Have you? I mean, just a couple of
weeks ago, you were doubting your relationship with him. Now he’s asking you to
marry him?”

I sighed heavily,
knowing that she was right. “I know. And we’ve never talked about marriage. I
almost fell off the sofa when he proposed.”

“What did you
say?” Her voice turned alarmed. “You didn’t say yes, did you?”

“I told him I
needed some time to think about it.”

“Are you actually
considering it?” Emily hesitated before continuing. “I don’t mean to tell you
what to do with your life, and you know I’ll support whatever decision you
make, but you can do so much better. You need someone who’ll make you the most
important thing in his life. Adam can’t see beyond his own ego to make you a
priority.”

As much as I
wanted to protest against Emily’s words, I didn’t completely disagree with her.
Yet, Adam had a lot of good traits that others didn’t see. It was also nice to
be in a relationship with no drama. We were comfortable around each other and
rarely fought. Maybe there weren’t any amazing peaks to our relationship, but
there weren’t any deep valleys either. A lifetime of equanimity wasn’t such a
bad thing.

My thoughts
drifted to Logan. Whatever we had between us was the opposite of Adam and me.
Logan and I were just friends, but our relationship was more tumultuous than
any I had ever been in. Yet, there were so many moments when just being in
Logan’s company made me dizzyingly happy, for no other reason than his mere presence.

I shut those
thoughts down quickly. They were dangerous and forbidden. Either Logan and I
would repair our friendship or we would part ways. There was no chance of
anything more between us, and he had nothing to do with my decision about Adam.

“Madison, you
there?”

Emily’s voice
jarred me out of my thoughts. “I’m here. I’m not sure whether I’m considering
it or not. Like I told Adam, I need some time to think it over.”

“What about
Logan?”

“What about
Logan?” My voice was more defensive than it should have been, but his name
raised my hackles since I was already conflicted about my relationship with
him.

“Are you seriously
denying that you have feelings for him?”

I hadn’t told
Emily about what had happened in Laurenston, especially since she didn’t even
know Logan had gone with me. It was too complicated to explain to her, and it
would open up a topic that I didn’t want to talk about.

“Emily, I’ve told
you a million times we’re just friends. Logan has nothing to do with my
decision about marrying Adam.”

She sighed but
didn’t push the subject. “What does the ring look like?”

“He actually
didn’t have one. He wanted us to go together so that I could pick out something
I liked.”

Emily groaned.
“How unromantic is that. Who proposes without a ring?”

“He just wanted to
make sure that I got exactly what I wanted,” I replied defensively. “After all,
if I’m going to be wearing it for the rest of my life, picking it out myself
makes sense.”

“You’re making it
sound like you know what your answer is going to be.”

I sighed. “I
really don’t. I still can’t believe it actually happened.”

Emily proceeded to
demand details of exactly how the proposal had transpired, and I obliged by
giving her a play-by-play. It was as much for myself as for her, since I was
still trying to come to terms with it actually having taken place. She wasn’t
too impressed by Adam’s approach, but I could tell she was trying to stifle her
objections.

“Let’s meet for
lunch tomorrow,” she suggested when I was finished. “We can dissect everything
some more.”

“I can’t. I’m way
behind on my article, and I’ll have to work through lunch tomorrow to get my
article to Jameson by Friday.” It was a lie, but I knew that tomorrow wouldn’t
be a good day for me. It was the anniversary of Cassie’s death, and I needed to
be alone. “Why don’t we meet up for lunch on Saturday?”

“Sounds good. I
have to work on Saturday but I’m sure I can squeeze in a lunch. Something of
this magnitude needs to be discussed in depth.”

I laughed at
Emily’s enthusiasm. Despite her opinion that marrying Adam would be a mistake,
she still relished the excitement of drama, and this definitely fit the bill.

My humor faded
after I got off the phone with her. Instead of thinking over Adam’s proposal, I
found myself preoccupied with what Logan’s reaction would be if he knew about
it. Would he be upset? Would he even care? Despite his insistence that there
was something more between us than friendship, I wasn’t sure how much of that
was just remnants of the past. And why was I giving so much headspace to his
possible reaction?

I stopped that
train of thought because I didn’t want to examine my feelings for him too
closely. It was dangerous and fruitless, and didn’t do anyone any good,
especially me.

I decided there
was nothing to do except go to bed. I could ponder Adam’s proposal tomorrow
after a good night’s rest.

Except that
falling asleep was impossible. Adam’s proposal, mixed in with thoughts about
Logan and the significance of tomorrow’s date, became too much for me. I got up
and padded to the bathroom and opened up the medicine cabinet, taking out a
bottle of sleeping pills. I tried to use them sparingly and only when I really
needed them, but I knew I would never get to sleep without them tonight.

After swallowing a
couple of pills with a glass of water, I went back to bed and was grateful when
they started to take effect. I felt my body start to become heavier as I
drifted off into a deep sleep.