Authors: R. M. Grace
Five
“
Close your eyes.”
“
Cade, I already know where we are.”
“
Just do it, will you? Humour me.”
Love sighs and does as he is bid.
Behind the sparse and shedding trees, the pathway leads into the park. With them both growing up in this area, they know the place well; they spent their childhood playing here.
“
I want you to see the place with fresh eyes, like a child on an adventure.”
“
It's a park, Cade. Besides, it's not like I can feel much.”
“
You are so cynical and old.”
“
We're the same age,” Love reminds him.
“
You think age is just a number?”
“
No, but I can't be a big kid like you.”
“
Why not?” Cade's body brushes against his as he wraps his hands across his eyes, causing Love's long eyelashes to flicker against the shield like a butterfly inside a glass bottle.
“
I said close your eyes.” The whisper slips inside his ear in one warm and calming wave. The act is a beautiful contrast to the chill in the air.
“
I guess I haven't been here since.”
“
Since what?”
Love takes a hollow breath in, then exhales as though the weight of the universe slumps on his shoulders. He swallows the thick build up of saliva and ignores the question.
Not since my world fell apart.
“So what's the secret?”
“
Nice try. You've got to get in the park first.”
Cade pushes his knees into the back of his to force him to walk while he keeps his eyes covered. They stumble together from side to side down the pathway and over the grass.
When Love's foot drops into a shallow dip, he tries to raise his arms to keep his balance, but Cade nudges them down with his elbows. “I've got you. Trust me.”
Loveren fingers fall back against his jeans where they drum on his thighs. He wants to cover the hands that blind him to steady his heart. Yet, he doesn't want to appear freaked out by the whole ordeal. Sure, he is incapable of fear, especially over something so trivial, but it is better than Cade knowing the real reason for his need to reach out and touch him.
***
There was no reasoning behind the 'get up and go' attitude, other than spontaneity. He has thought hard about coming clean to Love for days. Now, he has concluded this is his opportunity, and if he doesn't take it now, he never will. How he takes his secret is anybody's guess, but at least he cannot get angry.
The gate slaps shut behind them after he struggles to hustle it open without removing his hands. They trample over the soggy bark from the earlier shower as they head over to the playground within the gloom. The lamp on the pathway illuminates enough to keep him from losing his footing, or shoving Love face-first into something. Yet, it's not enough to dispel the ominous shadows that stretch along the grass, or gravel.
“Be c
areful when you sit,” he whispers beside his ear. A plume of grey breath slips from his mouth and is gone seconds later.
As he eases Love onto the plastic, metal tingles from beside him. He can tell the sound alerts his mate to where he is sitting in an instant by the way his body tenses. Yet, he remains silent.
“
Right, open your eyes.”
When he takes a seat next to Love, the damp soaks through his jeans, but he couldn't care less. He is too busy watching Love wrap his fingers around the chains like he did when he were a child.
Cade mimics the action on his swing with the cold kissing his skin, but he doesn't mind. Infact, it's plesant even though the chains gather rust in places and scratch against his fingers.
“
Aren't you going to ask what we're doing here?” He glances through the darkness beyond the fence as he digs his heels in and pushes backwards.
“
You said you had a secret.”
“
I see the medication hasn't made you any more patient.”
“
Oh, you have no idea how patient I am,” Love sighs. “So are you going to tell me?”
“
Soon.”
Cade halts his movement and glances around their surroundings until he locates what he is after. “Do you remember when we were messing about on that?”
Love spins around and snorts. “You mean, when you were messing around, fell and knocked your front teeth out?”
Cade turns away from the wooden see-saw's horse heads which he smacked his mouth on. His lip swelled like a water bomb and his gums bled down his chin that day. They were six, but he held the tears back because he didn't want Love to see him acting like a baby. Truth was, he was more angry that he acted so stupidly and embarrassed himself.
“
As I recall, I was balancing in the middle and you were slamming it back and forth until I fell.”
“
That's what happens when you don't hold on,” Love comments with no empathy.
The shuffle of feet within the bark forces Cade to glance at his company. The light glimmers orange along the smooth hollow of Love's cheek and, for a moment, he mistakes the vivid hue for flames.
“
Out with it then. You didn't bring me here for a trip down memory lane.”
The teeth that grew back to replace those that flew out his mouth grit his plump lip before a frown takes over. “Don't you remember how it feels to have fun? Back then we didn't have a care in the world.”
“
A lot has happened since then.”
Cade bows his head. “I hate seeing you like this. I know you're still you, but I miss you.”
What can he do about that though?
Loveren scowls and glances away.
“
Is that what you brought me here for? Today hasn't exactly been the best.”
“
You need to get on with your life. I know you say you can't, but I—”
The chains rattle as his mate pushes himself to his feet. He tries to flee from this conversation's direction, but Cade pulls him back down by his jacket It may not be the strongest of tugs, but he is powerless not to fall back onto his backside with his feet not balancing properly.
“
I'm sorry, okay? Just hear me out,” Cade rushes to spew out.
Love agrees with reluctance, but leans over onto his knees to show he is not happy about it in the slightest. If it were lighter out here, Cade knows what he would be seeing—a scowl harsh enough to form visible indents around his mouth through the stubble. Under other circumstances, the expression would set his insides on fire because Love doesn't realise just how adorable he looks when he's sulking. Right now though, the thought of him scowling has him wanting the ground to open beneath his feet and swallow him whole.
Although he wants to say something, the nerves force him to remain silent. He wishes he could just spit the words out so he can crawl into bed and sleep this day away.
“
I lied to you.”
The words snap Love's attention back, but when he turns to face him, he cannot glance into his eyes.
“
Alec and I kind of broke up.”
“'
Kind of'?”
“
We broke up,” Cade admits with a pang of guilt. “Months ago.”
***
Love chews on the information for a moment. On one hand, he is as elated by the news as the medication will allow. On the other, he wonders why Cade couldn't tell him before now.
Are we not that close any more?
“
Why didn't you tell me?”
“
I thought you had enough to deal with without worrying about me. Hold up, where are you going?”
This time, when Love gets to his feet he isn't restrained. Without the blindfold of Cade's palms, he crosses the playground in seconds. He is out the gate and slamming it before Cade can stand.
So he's been pretending to be in a relationship this whole time?
Loveren's mind swirls with all the stories Cade told about he and Alec and what they were getting up to. A surge of an indescribable force ploughs through his being as he grips at his head and tries to make sense of this.
Loveren doesn't realise he is muttering under his breath until Cade catches up with him at a jog and tries to grab him again.
“
Why are you angry?”
“
Angry?” When Love turns, the heat must radiate from him like a furnace because his mate's features scrunch together as though he is being physically scolded. “I'm incapable of anger, or have you forgotten that? I'm nothing but a shit mate who's reduced to a damn zombie.”
This time, when Cade grabs his arm, he allows his fingers to tug on his elbow. For many reasons he cannot stand the closeness right now, but cannot resist it either.
“I didn't mean what I said to sound like that. I'm sorry.”
“
So, what did you mean—I don't care about anyone because I'm too absorbed in my own shit, or I'm incapable of handling the truth?”
“
No, I lied again. It's not your fault I said nothing.”
“
So, what is the truth then? You're so damn confusing.”
Cade sighs. “Maybe I'm just too scared to tell you, okay?”
Love allows Cade to hustle him across the grass and onto the bench where he settles his back against the cold metal with a grimace. Even through his layers, the unwelcome touch is like a ghost inside an unlit room.
The night is encompassing around this side of the park. The closest lamp around the curve ten feet away is now obscured by the tall bush rows. The sky has become black with wisps of stubborn navy, which lends a serene atmosphere to the enlightening conversation neither want to have.
“
The truth is he dumped me and I was too embarrassed to say.”
“
Why?”
“
Not that you'd know, but it's not thrilling to know you're not good enough for someone else.”
I know it better than anyone!
“
Did he say that?”
“
No. He said it was because of me. He said I wasn't 'there'. I was there physically, but he said it felt like I didn't want to be.”
“
Did you?”
Cade releases a heavy breath. “I thought I did, or at least I convinced myself I did.”
You made it sound like you were madly in love and ready to settle down.
“
So why did he think that? I thought you more than liked him by the way you spoke about him.”
Cade shuffles on the damp metal, obviously wishing he could retract this entire conversation. After chewing his lip for a moment, he mumbles words that whip Love's nerves into a whirlwind he hasn't experienced in months.
“He said he could tell I'm in love with someone else.”
Love's ears prick up at those words, and he turns to glance at his mate, whose eyes fixate on the pond within the darkness. The water glimmers as the moon peeks out from behind the clouds to paint beauty within the darkness.
“
Are you?” He scratches at his eye and prays his voice doesn't give away the hope he hears with his own ears.
“
I guess I spoke about him a lot because I was trying to get a reaction,” he replies, ignoring the question.
“
A reaction from whom?” Love replays the conversation in his mind before it clicks. “From me?”
Cade cannot meet his gaze, so settles for a shifty glance from the corner of his eye. He dry coughs onto his fist before he entwines his fingers against his knees, and Loveren can tell he is wishing he could vanish into thin air with all his might.
“
Were you trying to make me—”
“
Jealous? Yeah. I know it's stupid, you can't even feel anything like that.”
“
Hey, I'm not a robot. I feel emotion, you know?”
Cade hunches over and leans his elbows onto his knees, then dips his head. Perhaps to hide further embarrassment, Love cannot tell.
Why would he want me to be jealous, unless he . . .
***
“
Did it work? No, actually don't answer that,” he amends before he can hear the rejection.
His back hits the back rest with far more force than he intends, but he doesn't care. He has basically said what he wants without speaking the words, so he might as well come clean. Even if Loveren doesn't want to talk to him again, the risk is worth taking.
But what if he doesn't? That will fucking kill me.
“
I love you. I have since that day on the see-saw, perhaps even before then. It's all I've ever known, so I trust that feeling because it's the only thing that's real to me.”