Off Limits (6 page)

“You look so happy,” he said. “You love skating, don’t you?”

“Yeah.” We both skated slowly now, doing lazy circles around each other.

“Why’d you quit?”

“You know why.”

He nodded. “I guess. But that was one bad competition.”

“It wasn’t just one. I loved skating, but I could never conquer my nerves.”

“You could’ve maybe seen a sports psychologist.
There are things you can do to overcome nerves.”

I looked at him curiously. “I guess I could have. Have you done that?”

“Yeah, and it really helped. There are mental skills you can learn to help stay relaxed under pressure. Learning to focus on what’s important and let go of everything else. Learning how to rebound from mistakes, how to handle the self-doubts and negative thinking.”

“Is that
how you became a Stanley Cup champion?”

“It’s part of it, definitely. It’s easy to beat yourself up when you screw up, but you have to be able to put that behind you and focus. The pressure can be intense, but you need to concentrate on the game and ignore all the other stuff going on—worrying about the opposing team and where you are in the standings and the fact that you haven’t scored a goal
in four games.”

“I admire that so much. It was where I was lacking. And maybe some coaching about that stuff would’ve helped me, but I don’t know if it would have been worth it. I wasn’t
that
good. It wasn’t like I was going to be world champion or anything.”

“You were really talented.”

“Aw. Thank you.” And I’d always admired his talent. He too was a great skater, even if he couldn’t do a triple
axel. I’d been in awe of how fast he could skate, while controlling the puck and reading the game at the same time.

“I always…well, it was fun watching you. I still don’t know how you do those jumps.”

“Like this!” I took off and this time did a single loop. Easier than the axel. Laughing, I skated back to him.

Just as I got close, some boys who were horsing around skated near us. One of them
going backward came right at me and before I could get out of his way, he crashed into me, knocking me to the ice. I went down hard on my hip and slid.

“Jesus fucking Christ!” Andrew skated up fast, stopped hard in a snow shower, and dropped down beside me. “You okay, Jenna?”

I shook my head, stunned. “I think so.” I didn’t seem to be in too much pain. I moved my limbs and Andrew helped me up.
“Yeah. I’m okay. Damn.”

“Those assholes,” he muttered, looking around. He spotted the kids and then he was off, chasing after them. I watched in shock, brushing snow from my butt as he skated up to them, said something with some sharp gestures, and then returned with the kid who’d hit me.

“This dude wants to apologize to you,” Andrew said, his jaw tight.

“Sorry,” the kid muttered. “We were
just playing around.” He paused. “Are you hurt?”

“I think I’m okay.”

He nodded. Andrew released his grip on the kid’s jacket and the boy skated away.

“Be more careful,” Andrew yelled at him, then turned to me and set his hands on my hips. “Fuck. You sure you’re all right?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

Dad, Daniel, and Connor skated up, obviously having seen the drama from way across the pond. “What
the hell?” Dad said.

“I’m okay,” I said yet again. “Just an accident.”

Andrew’s face still wore a frown. He was really annoyed. He stayed close to me the rest of the time we skated, like he was my personal bodyguard or something.

I loved it.

I was so fucking pissed when that kid plowed into Jenna and knocked her over. Jesus! She was such a little thing, she could’ve been hurt. But she was tough. I’d always admired that about her. She’d pushed herself hard in her skating, and although mental toughness might have been an issue for her, she’d come back from injuries more than once. I’d watched her practice those triple
jumps, falling over and over and getting back up every goddamn time.

I stayed close, distracting her with jokes and playing around.

Her cheeks got red, her blue eyes sparkled, and her smile flashed like a beam of light. Her dark hair flowed out from under a dusty blue knit cap. A matching scarf circled her neck and big thick knit mittens kept her hands warm. In her puffy black jacket and leggings,
she looked like a teenager.

I skated close and picked her up. She shrieked and grabbed me. “What are you doing?”

“Pairs skating.” I grinned. “I’m going to lift you over my head and spin around.”

“No, you’re not! Put me down!” But she was laughing. I did do a little spin, though not with her over my head, loving her laughter. “You’re crazy.”

“Maybe.” I lowered her feet to the ice, making sure
she had her balance before releasing her.

We went in soon after that, the cold starting to get to us. Daniel immediately walked over to Emily and kissed her. Christopher was sleeping in his car seat on the floor beside her. Jenna paused next to him and studied his little face. She really loved that little dude. Something got warm inside my chest.

She didn’t go to Jon first—she went to the baby.

The warmth in my chest turned to a burn.

“We’d better get home,” Brenda said. “I left some pork in the slow cooker, so we’ll have pulled pork sandwiches for dinner. Church is at seven.”

“That was so much fun.” Jenna walked out beside Jon. “You should have come skating.”

I walked behind them, unable to take my eyes off their linked arms and Jenna’s head leaning close to Jon, and the burn got
worse. I rubbed my chest. Maybe the roast beef sandwich I’d had for lunch hadn’t agreed with me.

I’d driven the SUV I’d rented at the Hartford airport, and Connor, Brenda, and Gary hopped in with me to go home.

“It was nice to see Jenna skating gain,” I said casually as I drove. “She really loves it.”

I sensed Brenda’s look at me but kept my eyes on the road.

“I’m glad she had fun,” Brenda
said.

“Till that stupid kid knocked her over,” Gary added.

My hands tightened on the wheel.

“What? What happened?” Brenda asked.

We told Brenda the story and assured her Jenna was fine.

I headed down to my room in the basement once we were home. A hot shower felt good. I’d played hockey outside many times growing up but now was more used to indoor arenas than frozen ponds. I changed into
black dress pants and a black sweater to wear to church.

The MacFadden family’s attendance at church had slackened off in their kids’ teenage years, but I knew Brenda and Gary attended church more often now that it was just the two of them, and the Christmas Eve service at St. Matthew’s Episcopal Church was a must.

My parents hadn’t been churchgoers and when I’d moved in there, Brenda and Gary
had assured me I didn’t have to attend any religious services I wasn’t comfortable with. But I’d wanted to make them happy, so I’d always gone to church with them. Sitting still for an hour or so was never easy for me, but I tried to take the sermons to heart, and when we prayed I’d always said a thank-you to God for the family who’d taken me in.

Dinner was loud and busy and informal, as usual,
everyone helping themselves to pulled pork, piling it on buns and dishing up coleslaw. I took a bite of my sandwich. “This is really good, Brenda.”

She smiled at me, her eyes warm. “Thank you, Andrew.”

Nobody else complimented her cooking. Since she wasn’t the best cook, she stuck to basics most of the time, but dammit, I appreciated that she made the effort for her family. It was more than
my own mother had done.

To my surprise, Jon wasn’t coming to church. Jenna seemed annoyed and didn’t offer much of an explanation. Apparently Jon was anti-religion or something.

This annoyed me too. Not his beliefs. He could believe or not believe whatever the hell he wanted. But he came for Christmas to meet Jenna’s friends and family, and he hadn’t been making much of an effort, as far as
I could see. There were worse things than sitting in a church listening to Christmas carols for an hour out of your whole life. He’d rather stay home alone? That was just fucked-up.

So I drove Jenna and her parents to church, followed by Daniel and Emily and Christopher in their own vehicle. Connor met us there.

The service was predictable, with familiar carols and hymns about the birth of Jesus.
I gave my usual thanks in prayer, but, achingly aware of Jenna sitting beside me in the pew, I considered that I was harboring inappropriate thoughts about her.

Was it wrong to be sitting in church wanting to touch her, wanting to pick her up and carry her out of there, wanting her in my bed, underneath me, screwing her into next week?

Mostly it was wrong because she had a boyfriend, and also
because even if she didn’t, I knew I could never have her that way. I was supposed to treat her like a sister. I was torturing myself even thinking shit like that.

We returned home. Jon wasn’t around, possibly up in his room. I watched Jenna stalk into the kitchen and start messing with something. I followed her in there. “What are you making?”

“Mulled wine.”

I paused. “Can I help?”

“Sure.”
She shot me a determinedly bright smile. “You could open this bottle of wine for me.”

“You’re pissed, aren’t you?” I used a knife to cut open the foil cover on the bottle.

She sighed. “Sort of. I think I’m more…” She paused, her head bent, her dark hair falling over her face.

“What?” It was just the two of us and I set my hand on her back and gave a gentle rub, leaning closer.

“Oh hey, you’re
home.”

Jon’s voice behind us had both of us jumping apart. We’d been standing close together and I’d been touching her and Jon was scowling at me.

“Yes, we’re home.” Jenna opened a little package of some kind of spices that smelled all Christmassy, keeping her back to Jon. Ack.

I removed the cork from the bottle and handed it to her. She dumped it into a big pot.

“Mulled wine,” Jon said. “Nice.
Oh wait, you’re not using that Merlot we brought, are you?”

I felt Jenna tense. “No.” She still had her back to Jon and began to stir the wine. “I used a bottle that Connor bought yesterday. It’ll be ready in a bit. I’ll get out some cookies.”

Tension shimmered around us.

“I’ll, uh, sit down with your folks.” I left the kitchen and joined the rest of the family in the living room so Jenna and
Jon could be alone. The tree lights were on and the floor beneath the tree was now covered with gifts in a variety of sizes and shapes, wrapped in bright paper or gift bags. Boney M. was playing on the stereo and Brenda was rocking a wide-awake Christopher in her arms.

“What’s Jenna doing?” Brenda asked.

“Making mulled wine.”

“Yum.”

“Think I’ll stick with beer.” Connor grimaced. Our eyes met
and I grinned.

Conversation flowed, easy and fun as it always was. Jenna and Jon joined us a few minutes later, each carrying two cups of wine. “Who wants mulled wine?” she asked.

“I’ll try some,” I said. She shot me a small smile and moved to hand me a mug. Jon gave one to Brenda.

“It’s good,” I told the other guys after a sip. “Try some.”

“All right.” Gary went to stand but Jenna waved him
down.

“I’ll get it for you, Dad. Daniel? Connor?”

They exchanged a look and said, “Sure, okay.”

She hustled out and returned with three more mugs, then made another trip for a plate of cookies—more from the church bake sale. The ladies at the church must like that Brenda didn’t bake, since she’d apparently bought a shitload of goodies.

Jenna was being all busy hostess, but I got the feeling
she was avoiding dealing with what she was feeling about Jon not coming to church. She’d almost told me what the feeling was, but then he’d interrupted.

I wanted to be there for her. But that was so fucking awkward. Jon kept looking at me like he thought I was trying to steal his girlfriend, which was ridiculous.

Sort of.

Did he know about our history? I wondered, because I’d been nothing but
brotherly toward Jenna the whole time they’d been here.

Neither of them looked very happy, but nobody else seemed to notice. Daniel and Connor were arguing about their NFL team rivalry. Christopher started getting fussy and Emily yawned and stood. “I think Christopher and I are both ready for bed.” She crossed over to take Christopher from his grandma. “What time are we opening presents in the
morning?”

Jenna spoke up. “Seven!”

Everyone else groaned. Except Emily. “I’ll be up then.” She smiled. “Me and this little guy.” She rocked him a little.

“I’ll come over at ten,” Connor said. “No earlier, dammit.”

“Fine.” Jenna smiled. “Ten it is.”

“I bought cinnamon buns from Sweet Treats,” Brenda said.

We all sat around awhile longer, finishing off the mulled wine and talking. Then Connor
headed out to his own home, Daniel joined Emily, and Brenda and Gary decided to go to bed too. That left me with Jenna and Jon. Still sensing the air prickling around us, I was outta there. I jumped to my feet. “Okay. Night all. See you in the morning.”

I clomped down the stairs to my room. Last night had been a late one, and I’d been up early, but I wasn’t tired yet so I turned on the big TV
down there and played some Xbox for a while, trying to ignore the sour ache in my gut.

I wasn’t sure what I’d expected this Christmas to be like. I’d known that I’d be seeing Jenna again and I figured I’d handled that pretty well the first few years after we’d been in college together, so this wouldn’t be a big deal. I hadn’t expected her to be with a boyfriend. And I didn’t know if it made it
better or worse that I’d taken an instant dislike to the dipshit.

Then there was the announcement that Brenda and Gary were going to sell the house and move, leaving me…I didn’t know where.

I fucking hated this.

My fingers clenched on the game controller.

This place and this family were safety to me. In a world where I’d lost everything, I’d found safety and security here. I’d always done
whatever was necessary to keep it. What could I do now?

I set the alarm on my cellphone so I’d be up by ten, but I woke up before it even went off.

Christmas morning.

I lay on my back in bed and stared up at the ceiling. I couldn’t control what was happening between Jenna and Jon. If she thought she was going to be happy with fuckface, it wasn’t my place to interfere. The thought of her
spending the rest of her life with that guy made my skin crawl and my stomach heave, but clearly that was my problem, not hers.

But I
had
come up with an idea of something else I could do, something that would give me back some control.

I threw off the covers and hit the shower, then dressed in my oldest, softest jeans, a plaid flannel shirt, and thick gray socks. I climbed the stairs to the
kitchen, smelling rich dark coffee mingled with the aroma of roasting turkey as I did so. Fuck yeah. Coffee. With the turkey I would take a wait-and-see approach.

I expected to find Brenda in the kitchen but it was Jenna.

My feet halted in the doorway and I watched her for a few seconds. She wore a pair of red, black, and white flannel pajama bottoms and a red tank top that hugged her slender
shape. A red plush Santa hat perched on her dark head. Christ, she was so fucking adorable.

I walked in. “Merry Christmas.”

She turned. The front of her tank top said, “I do naughty nicely.”
Fuck.
I swallowed a groan, remembering a very naughty Jenna. Then I looked at her face and a frown snapped my eyebrows together.

Her eyes were pink and puffy, her cheeks pale, and the smile she sent me
was halfhearted.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Christ, did I need to ask? Clearly that fuckwit Jon had done something else to piss her off. How the fuck was I supposed to keep my mouth shut?

“Nothing.”

“You look…” I stopped. “You sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Want some coffee?”

“Hell yeah.”

She reached for a bright red mug sitting on the counter. “I bought these for Mom for Christmas last year.
We should use them.” She poured coffee into the mug, then pushed it and a carton of cream toward me, knowing I liked my coffee well whitened.

I eyed the Santa cap. “Nice hat.”

“Thanks.” She touched the white fur brim and gave an impish smile.

I felt a magnetic force pulling me toward her. Had. To. Resist. Must not grab her and ravish her on the kitchen counter.

I gulped coffee, wincing as
it burned my mouth. “No one else is awake yet?”

“I heard some noise so I think they’re rising.”

“I came up with a great idea last night,” I began. Then the back door opened and closed. A draft of cold air swirled into the kitchen, followed by Connor.

“Hey, guys.” He tugged off his gloves. “Merry Christmas.”

“Merry Christmas.”

Jenna regarded me over the rim of her red mug as she sipped her
coffee. “What great idea?”

“Um, I’ll tell everyone a little later.”

She tilted her head, obviously curious. Our eyes made a warm connection that once more pulled me toward her.

“Ahem.” Connor tossed his jacket over a stool. “I’ll have some of that coffee.”

“Help yourself.” Jenna smirked as she moved out of his way, holding her mug in both hands. I looked down at the red-and-white plush slippers
on her feet. Cute.

Steps thumped down the stairs and I recognized them as Gary’s. “Merry Christmas!” he boomed as he entered the kitchen. “Did you hear the reindeer on the roof last night?”

“Dad!” Jenna protested, but we all laughed.