Old Jews Telling Jokes (12 page)

“The first time, you remember, Jake, you opened up that little dry goods store on Main Street. You had trouble getting that favorable lease because of that momzer landlord, and I went to go see the landlord. You got the favorable lease, didn’t you, Jake?”

He says, “Well, you’re right on that.”

“The second time, Jake, remember, you were having financial difficulties, you wanted to get a loan at the bank and that no-good loan officer wouldn’t lend you a nickel? You got your loan, didn’t you, Jake?”

“Yeah, that’s true. What was the third time?”

“Jake, do you remember a couple of years ago, you ran for president of the temple, and you were fifteen votes shy?”

Alma Pillot left home at age sixteen to dance on the nightclub circuit, working with the likes of Jackie Gleason and Lenny Bruce. After that, among many other things, she taught dance and served as a regional Hadassah president. At Hadassah, she put her talents to good use, staging fund-raising musical productions that starred enthusiastic temple members. Alma Pillot passed away on September 6, 2009.

Mr. Rabinowitz hires a little girl to start working in his office and she’s a beauty and he’s got the hots for her.

And he tries to make time with her and she ignores him. One day he says, “Let me take you out to dinner. I’ll take you to dinner; you have anything you want.”

She says, “Okay.”

So he takes her to this high-class restaurant, and they sit down and she orders a double lobster cocktail and a big bowl of soup and a gorgeous salad and a big steak with all the trimmings. Crêpe suzette for dessert. And orders a bottle of champagne.

And he’s looking at her and he says, “Tell me, darling. Your mother cooks for you like this?”

She says, “My mother’s not looking to fuck me.”

From Max’s son Rich: “Whenever my brother and I would ask him what he wanted for his birthday, Hanukkah, anniversary, whatever, every time he would say the same thing. ‘All I want are two nice boys.’

“That’s Max.”

Mr. and Mrs. Shapiro go to the doctor and, at the end, the doctor calls in Mrs. Shapiro.

The doctor says to her, “Mrs. Shapiro, you’re fine. You’re husband’s fine. There’s just one problem: Your husband tells me that there’s a little problem with his sex life. Just a little problem there.”

She says, “So, what’s the problem?”

“Well, he says, the first time it’s perfectly fine. But the second time, he starts to perspire and sweat and is completely soaked afterward. You understand that?”

She says, “Yeah. The first time’s in November; the second time’s July.”

Mike Leiderman produces events and fund-raisers for a number of nonprofit organizations, including the Chicago Emmy Awards, the Fox Sports Net Awards for the March of Dimes, the NFL Players Association Mackey Award banquet for BBF Family Services in Lawndale (a section of Chicago), and the annual Jewish United Fund telethon.

Abie and Becky are at the doctor’s office. Abie says, “Doc, it’s our sex life. It’s terrible.”

The doctor says, “Describe your technique.”

Abie says, “Okay. Well, every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday …”

The doctor says, “Stop right there! That’s the whole point. You can’t plan these things. You must be spontaneous. Whenever the spirit moves you, that’s when you have to act—with passion! Come back and see me in two weeks.”

Two weeks later, they come back, and the doctor says, “How’d it go?”

Abie says, “Fan-tastic! You couldn’t believe it! You’re absolutely right! Spontaneity is the key! We were at breakfast. My wife dropped a spoon, bent over to pick it up, and—lo and behold—I got the urge like an animal! Right there on the breakfast table, three times we made love!”

The doctor says, “That’s terrific. Any problems?”

Abie says, “Just one. They won’t let us eat at Howard Johnson’s anymore.”

Many people know that Sidney Kimmel is the founder and chairman of the Jones Apparel group, the producer of numerous acclaimed feature films, and a leading philanthropist—but who knew he could tell a joke?

So these three old Jewish guys are bragging about their sexual exploits.

They had decided to compete and see who could make their wife moan and scream the most.

So the first guy says, “I win hands down. When I’m in the middle of having intercourse with my wife, I use a feather and she screams—she screams!”

Second guy says, “I can top that. I do it the Japanese style and in the middle of it, I use these marbles and it really works and she screams like crazy.”

Third guy says, “I don’t know what you guys are talking about.”

He says, “I just jump on—do my one, two, six—and when I get off, I go over to the drapes, wipe myself off, and you should hear the
screams!”

Korzen played the recurring character of Doris Klompus on
Seinfeld
, and John Turturro’s mother in
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
.

This guy, Lenny, is having a one-night stand. In the middle of the night the lady says to him, “You know, this has been so much fun, I’m gonna let you in on a secret.”

He says, “Really? What’s that?”

“My vagina … can sing.”

“You’re kidding! Let’s see!”

She pulls off the covers, he looks down, and he sees it singing, “Hellooo, Dolly! Well, hellooo, Dolly!”

Well, he’s just astonished.

He says, “This is fantastic! You should go on the road! You should get bookings! We could make a lot of money off of this! I have a friend who’s an agent. I’m going to call him right now.” He calls his friend, the agent, Moe.

“Moe! It’s Lenny.”

“Whaddya want?”

“Moe, you won’t believe this! I have this act! A singing vagina. You have got to listen to this! Listen to this!”

He puts the phone down between her legs.

“Hellooo, Dolly! Well, hellooo, Dolly!”

“You called me at three o’clock in the morning to hear some dumb cunt singing ‘Hello, Dolly!’?”

Mike Marcus was a senior agent at the Creative Artists Agency during its heyday in the 1980s. His client list included Tom Cruise, Sydney Pollack, Robin Williams, Carl Reiner, Mel Brooks, John Landis, David Cronenberg, Roger Donaldson, Frank Oz, David Zucker, and Jerry Zucker.

An old man is sitting on his rocking chair, rocking comfortably away. Over a hill, in front of his house, comes a young boy carrying something in his arms.

The old man says, “What’ve you got there?”

“Some chicken wire.”

“What’re you gonna do with that chicken wire?”

“I’m gonna catch me some chickens.”

The old man says, “Oh, you danged fool! You can’t catch no chickens with chicken wire!”

Of course, later that afternoon, up that hill comes that same kid dragging that chicken wire. There’s a bunch of chickens stuck in it.

Next morning, the kid comes down the hill, carrying something in his hand.

“Hey, kid. What’ve you got there?” says the old man.

“I got me some duct tape.”

“What’re you gonna do with that duct tape?”

“I’m gonna catch me some ducks.”

The old man says, “Oh, you danged fool! You can’t catch no ducks with duct tape!”

Lo and behold, later that afternoon, that kid comes up the hill dragging a roll of duct tape. There’s a bunch of ducks stuck to it.

Next morning, the kid comes down the hill, carrying something in his hand.

The old man says, “Hey, kid. What’ve you got there?”

“I got me some pussy willow.”

The old man says, “Hang on! Lemme grab my hat!”