Old Jews Telling Jokes (14 page)

She goes out and finds Mr. Rabinowitz in the waiting room.

He says, “What’d the doctor say?”

“You’re gonna die.”

During my dad’s tenure as a criminal judge, he started the Adult Substance Abuse Program, or ASAP. It’s the only judicially supervised in-custody substance abuse program in the state of New Jersey and makes it possible for drug-dependent people to help themselves while incarcerated. I’m really proud of him for that.

Some years ago, they were celebrating Neil Armstrong’s landing on the moon. It was the thirtieth anniversary, and they said, “Mr. Armstrong, it’s amazing—the feat that you did, and how you went down in history. Especially that wonderful quote: ‘One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.’ ”

And Neil Armstrong says, “I never said that.”

“What are you talking about? Everybody knows you said that. It was all over the news! On television! It’s recorded! It’s taught in schools!”

He says, “That may be, but I never said that.”

“Well, what did you say?”

“I said, ‘One small step for man, one giant leap for Manny Klein.’ ”

A pause. “Really?”

“Yes.”

“Well, where did that come from?”

And Neil Armstrong says, “When I was growing up in Brooklyn, our family lived next door to the Kleins—Manny Klein and his wife. The walls were very thin, and I used to hear Manny begging all the time that his wife should give him oral sex.

“And she would always say, ‘Manny, when a man walks on the moon …’ ”

Norman Stiles wrote and produced a television show,
Lomax, the Hound of Music
, for PBS. The hound dog hero is named Lomax as a tribute to Alan Lomax, the American folklorist and ethnomusicologist who traveled across America collecting and preserving American folk music. Alan Lomax is one of the inspirations for our website.

Parachute training in Israel: Guy comes back from his first flight trying to make his first jump.

His friend says, “Well, how did it go?”

He says, “Oh, it was really scary. I was the last one ’cause I couldn’t go first.

“So, I was last in line, and everybody was jumping and I’m getting seriously scared. And finally it’s my turn and I’m holding on and I say, ‘I can’t do it, I can’t jump, I can’t.’

“And the sergeant barks at me, ‘If you don’t jump, I’m gonna fuck you up the ass.’ ”

His friend says, “Did you jump?”

He says, “A little at first.”

You know that awesome Apple Store on Fifth Avenue at Fifty-ninth Street? The one with a glass cube entrance sitting on the plaza above? Putting the store there was Harry Macklowe’s idea.

Sam and Becky are happily married for many, many years. They’re approaching their fortieth anniversary, and every night they make passionate love.

Becky says to Sam, “You know something? You fill me with such enjoyment, but you always have the lights off. I’m going to turn the light on, for once.”

And with that she reaches over and throws on the light switch. Then she looks down and sees Sam lying there, holding a vibrator.

Becky says, “My God! How can you explain that!”

Sam replies, “Darling, I can explain that if you can explain our two children.”

According to Rosenthal, any fame and fortune that he finds by telling these jokes will go toward rebuilding Grossinger’s, Brown’s, and all of the Jewish Alps resorts.

There are these two Jewish whales, swimming in the ocean. One is Esther, and the other is Hymie. They’re just swimming there, having a good time, and all of a sudden Hymie says to Esther, “Oy, I think we’re in trouble.”

Esther asks, “Why?”

“Well, see that ship down there? That ship is going to try to harpoon us.”

Esther says, “Harpoon us! What is a ‘harpoon’?”

Hymie says, “Well, it’s like a big bow and arrow.”

“Oy, Hymie, what are we going to do?”

“Well,” he says, “we have to swim over there, and through our blowholes blow very hard and turn the ship over and drown all the sailors.”

“Oh, okay.”

So they swim out to the ship, they do the blowing, the sailors go over, and Esther says, “So, Hymie how did I do?”

“Oh, you did terrific, but we still got trouble.”

“What’s the matter?”

“Well, you see that other ship over there? That ship is going to come here, save all the sailors, and then they’re going to try to harpoon us again.”

“Oy,” says Esther. “What do we have to do?”

“We have to go there and eat all of those sailors.”

Esther thinks for a minute, and says, “Hymie, you talked me into that blow job but I’m not swallowing the seamen.”

Louise Yohalem, the mother of my dear friend Eve, is a cabinet-level college administrator and an expert and educator in human sexuality. She has devoted a tremendous amount of time and energy to educating young people about prevention of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. This includes a stint on the New Jersey governor’s Advisory Committee on Adolescent Pregnancy and nine years as the executive director of development at Union County College.

The Shwartzes have been married for many years and they hear about this therapist who does amazing things for people who have been married for a long time. What the heck have they got to lose? They’ll see the therapist.

They get to the therapist’s office, and she says, “I have a very unusual way of working. I’m going to take each of you separately into my examining room and I’m going to examine you. If I feel we can work together, then we’ll proceed and if I feel there’s nothing in my techniques to help you, well, there’ll be no charge for the session.”

So she takes them each separately into the examining room and she brings them together and she says, “I think we can do great things together.”

So they have their session and at the end of the session she says, “I have some homework for you. On your way home I want you to stop at a supermarket. You, sir, buy a bunch of grapes. And when you get home, your wife will disrobe and you’ll take the grapes and lay them on the bed, in a line between her legs all the way up to the opening of her vagina. You, madam, buy a doughnut. And when you get home and your husband’s member is erect, place the doughnut on your husband’s erect member and eat your way all the way around it.”

Well, it sounds very strange, but what have they got to lose, they’ve paid this person. They go home, they do what she said, and it’s just amazing what it’s done for their marriage. And they’re so happy they tell all their friends about it.

So one night the Cohens say, “You know, the Schwartzes have had such an extraordinary experience. We’re married a long time, why don’t we go and see this therapist?”

So the Cohens go to see the therapist and the therapist says, “I have a very unusual way of working. I’m going to take each of you separately into my examining room and I’m going to examine you. If I feel we can work together, then we’ll proceed and if I feel there’s nothing in my techniques to help you, well, there’ll be no charge for the session.”

So she sees them both separately and she brings them back together and she says, “I’m very sorry, I don’t think this will work. There’ll be no charge.”

The Cohens say, “What do you mean you won’t work with us? The Schwartzes raved so about you. You have to work with us!”

She says, “Look, I really don’t think that my methodology is right for you.”

“Please! Please!” say the Cohens. “We’ll pay you! We won’t hold you responsible.”

The therapist shrugs and says, “Okay.”

They have a session and at the end of the session she says, “I have homework for you. On the way home I’d like you to stop at a market. You, sir, buy an apple. You, madam, buy a box of Cheerios.”