CAROL
: You said it.
JOHN
: No. I did not.
CAROL
: You did.
JOHN
: When?
CAROL
: … you …
JOHN
: No. I never did, or never would say that to a student, and …
CAROL
: You said, “What can that mean?” (
Pause
) “What can that mean?” … (
Pause
)
JOHN
: … and what did that mean to you …?
CAROL
: That meant I’m stupid. And I’ll never learn. That’s what that meant. And you’re right.
JOHN
: … I …
CAROL
: But then. But then, what am I doing here …?
JOHN
: … if you thought that I …
CAROL
: … when nobody wants me, and …
JOHN
: … if you interpreted …
CAROL
: Nobody
tells
me anything. And I
sit
there … in the
corner
. In the
back
. And everybody’s talking about “this” all the time. And “concepts,” and “precepts” and, and, and, and, and, WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU
TALKING
ABOUT? And I read your book. And they said, “Fine, go in that class.” Because you talked about responsibility to the young. I DON’T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS AND I’M
FAILING …
JOHN
: May …
CAROL
: No, you’re right. “Oh, hell.” I failed. Flunk me out of it. It’s garbage. Everything I do. “The ideas contained in this work express the author’s feelings.” That’s right. That’s right. I know I’m stupid. I know what I am. (
Pause
) I know what
I am, Professor. You don’t have to tell me. (
Pause
) It’s pathetic. Isn’t it?
JOHN
: … Aha … (
Pause
) Sit down. Sit down. Please. (
Pause
) Please sit down.
CAROL
: Why?
JOHN
: I want to talk to you.
CAROL
: Why?
JOHN
: Just sit down. (
Pause
) Please. Sit down. Will you, please …? (
Pause. She does so.
) Thank you.
CAROL
: What?
JOHN
: I want to tell you something.
CAROL
: (
Pause
) What?
JOHN
: Well, I know what you’re talking about.
CAROL
: No. You don’t.
JOHN
: I think I do. (
Pause
)
CAROL
: How can you?
JOHN
: I’ll tell you a story about myself. (
Pause
) Do you mind? (
Pause
) I was raised to think myself stupid. That’s what I want to tell you. (
Pause
)
CAROL
: What do you mean?
JOHN
: Just what I said. I was brought up, and my earliest, and most persistent memories are of being told that I was stupid. “You have such
intelligence
. Why must you behave so
stupidly
?” Or, “Can’t you
understand?
Can’t you
understand
?” And I could
not
understand. I could
not
understand.
CAROL
: What?
JOHN
: The simplest problem. Was beyond me. It was a mystery.
CAROL
: What was a mystery?
JOHN
: How people learn. How I could learn. Which is what I’ve been speaking of in class. And of
course
you can’t hear it. Carol. Of
course
you can’t. (
Pause
) I used to speak of “real people,” and wonder what the
real
people did. The
real
people. Who were they?
They
were the people other than myself. The
good
people. The
capable
people. The people who could do the things, I could not do: learn, study, retain … all that
garbage
—which is what I have been talking of in class, and that’s
exactly
what I have been talking of—If you are told.… Listen to this. If the young child is told he cannot understand. Then he takes it as a
description
of himself. What am I? I am
that which can not understand
. And I saw you
out there, when we were speaking of the concepts of …
CAROL
: I can’t understand any of them.
JOHN
: Well, then, that’s
my
fault. That’s not your fault. And that is not verbiage. That’s what I firmly hold to be the truth. And I am sorry, and I owe you an apology.
CAROL
: Why?
JOHN
: And I suppose that I have had some
things
on my mind.… We’re buying a
house
, and …
CAROL
: People said that you were stupid …?
JOHN
: Yes.
CAROL
: When?
JOHN
: I’ll tell you when. Through my life. In my childhood; and, perhaps, they stopped. But I heard them continue.
CAROL
: And what did they say?
JOHN
: They said I was incompetent. Do you see? And when I’m tested the, the, the
feelings
of my youth about the
very subject of learning
come up. And I … I become, I feel “unworthy,” and “unprepared.” …
CAROL
: … yes.
JOHN
: … eh?
CAROL
: … yes.
JOHN
: And I feel that I must fail. (
Pause
)
CAROL
: … but then you
do
fail. (
Pause
) You have to. (
Pause
) Don’t you?
JOHN
: A
pilot
. Flying a plane. The pilot is flying the plane. He thinks: Oh, my
God
, my mind’s been drifting! Oh, my God! What kind of a cursed imbecile am I, that I, with this so precious cargo of
Life
in my charge, would allow my attention to wander. Why was I born? How deluded are those who put their trust in me, … et cetera, so on, and he crashes the plane.
CAROL
: (
Pause
) He could just …
JOHN
: That’s right.
CAROL
: He could say:
JOHN
: My attention
wandered
for a moment …
CAROL
: … uh huh …
JOHN
: I had a
thought
I did not like … but now:
CAROL
: … but now it’s …
JOHN
: That’s what I’m telling you. It’s time to put my attention … see: it is not: this is what I learned. It is Not Magic. Yes. Yes.
You
. You are going to be frightened. When faced with what may or may not be but which you are going to perceive as a test. You will become frightened. And you will say: “I am incapable of …” and everything
in
you will think these two things. “I must. But I can’t.” And you will think: Why was I born to be the laughingstock of a world in which everyone is better than I? In which I am entitled to nothing. Where I can not learn.
(
Pause
)
CAROL
: Is that … (
Pause
) Is that what I have …?
JOHN
: Well. I don’t know if I’d put it that way. Listen: I’m talking to you as I’d talk to my son. Because that’s what I’d like him to have that I never had. I’m talking to you the way I wish that someone had talked to me. I don’t know how to do it, other than to be
personal,…
but …
CAROL
: Why would you want to be personal with me?
JOHN
: Well, you see? That’s what I’m saying. We can only interpret the behavior of others through the screen we … (
The phone rings.
) Through … (
To phone:
) Hello …? (To
CAROL
:) Through the
screen we create. (
To phone:
) Hello. (
To
CAROL
:) Excuse me a moment. (
To phone:
) Hello? No, I can’t talk nnn … I know I did. In a few … I’m … is he coming to the … yes. I talked to him. We’ll meet you at the No, because I’m with a
student
. It’s going to be fff … This is important, too. I’m with a
student
, Jerry’s going to … Listen: the sooner I get off, the sooner I’ll be down, all right. I love you. Listen, listen, I said “I love you,” it’s going to work
out
with the, because I feel that it is, I’ll be right down. All right? Well, then it’s going to take as long as it takes. (
He hangs up.
) (
To
CAROL
:) I’m sorry.
CAROL
: What was that?
JOHN
: There are some problems, as there usually are, about the final agreements for the new house.
CAROL
: You’re buying a new house.
JOHN
: That’s right.
CAROL
: Because of your promotion.
JOHN
: Well, I suppose that that’s right.
CAROL
: Why did you stay here with me?
JOHN
: Stay here.
CAROL
: Yes. When you should have gone.
JOHN
: Because I like you.
CAROL
: You like me.
JOHN
: Yes.
CAROL
: Why?
JOHN
: Why? Well? Perhaps we’re similar. (
Pause
) Yes. (
Pause
)
CAROL
: You said “everyone has problems.”
JOHN
: Everyone has problems.
CAROL
: Do they?
JOHN
: Certainly.
CAROL
: You do?
JOHN
: Yes.
CAROL
: What are they?
JOHN
: Well. (
Pause
) Well, you’re perfectly right. (
Pause
) If we’re going to take off the Artificial
Stricture
, of “Teacher,” and “Student,” why should
my
problems be any more a mystery than your own? Of
course
I have problems. As you saw.
CAROL
: … with what?
JOHN
: With my
wife
… with
work …
CAROL
: With work?
JOHN
: Yes. And, and, perhaps my problems are, do you see?
Similar
to yours.
CAROL
: Would you tell me?
JOHN
: All right. (
Pause
) I came
late
to teaching. And I found it Artificial. The notion of “I know and you do not”; and I saw an
exploitation
in the education process. I told you. I hated school, I hated teachers. I hated everyone who was in the position of a “boss” because I
knew
—I didn’t
think
, mind you, I
knew
I was going to fail. Because I was a fuckup. I was just no goddamned good. When I … late in life … (
Pause
) When I
got out from under
… when I worked my way out of the need to fail. When I …
CAROL
: How do you do that? (
Pause
)
JOHN
: You have to look at what you are, and what you feel, and how you act. And, finally, you have to look at how you act. And say: If that’s what I
did
, that must be how I think of myself.
CAROL
: I don’t understand.
JOHN
: If I fail all the time, it must be that I think of myself as a failure. If I do not want to think of
myself as a failure, perhaps I should begin by
succeeding
now and again. Look. The tests, you see, which you encounter, in school, in college, in life, were designed, in the most part, for idiots.
By
idiots. There is no need to fail at them. They are not a test of your worth. They are a test of your ability to retain and spout back misinformation. Of
course
you fail them. They’re
nonsense
. And I …
CAROL
: … no …
JOHN
: Yes. They’re
garbage
. They’re a
joke
. Look at me. Look at me. The Tenure Committee. The Tenure Committee. Come to judge me. The Bad Tenure Committee.
The “Test.” Do you see? They put me to the test. Why, they had people voting on me I wouldn’t employ to wax my car. And yet, I go before the Great Tenure Committee, and I have an urge, to
vomit
, to, to, to puke my
badness
on the table, to show them: “I’m no good. Why would you pick me?”
CAROL
: They granted you tenure.
JOHN
: Oh no, they announced it, but they haven’t
signed
. Do you see? “At any moment …”
CAROL
: … mmm …
JOHN
: “They might not
sign
” … I might not … the
house
might not go through … Eh? Eh? They’ll find out my “dark secret.” (
Pause
)
CAROL
: … what is it …?
JOHN
: There
isn’t
one. But
they
will find an index of my badness …
CAROL
: Index?
JOHN
: A “… pointer.” A “Pointer.” You see? Do you see? I
understand
you. I. Know. That. Feeling. Am I entitled to my job, and my nice
home
, and my
wife
, and my
family
, and so on. This is what I’m saying: That theory of education which, that
theory:
CAROL
: I … I … (
Pause
)
JOHN
: What?
CAROL
: I …
JOHN
: What?
CAROL
: I want to know about my grade. (
Long pause
)
JOHN
: Of course you do.
CAROL
: Is that bad?