On Her Own (15 page)

Barbara straightened with a weary sigh, easing the kinks out of her back. She’d only been working an hour, and already she felt as if the strength had been drained from her body.
Maybe I wasn’t ready to come back yet, not even for a short time
. Tears flooded her eyes, and she willed them away. She loved being in the shop, where the subtle smell of leather mixed with the tangy aroma of linseed and neat’s-foot oil.
Just take it slow
, she told herself.
If you work a few hours each week, soon you’ll be up to working full-time again
.

“Are you okay, daughter?”

Barbara whirled around. She hadn’t realized her father had come up behind her. “I–I’m a bit tired,” she admitted. “Maybe I should call it a day.”

He nodded soberly. “I should think so. You’re paler than a bucket of fresh milk. And look at your hands—they’re shaking.”

Barbara clasped her fingers tightly together.

“I can’t believe you’re out here today,” he said with a frown. “You ought to be up at the house, taking care of that new boppli of yours.”

Barbara’s cheeks warmed. “Dad, I’m a grown woman, and I know my limitations. Mom’s watching Joseph, Zachary, and Davey, and if the boppli needs me, she will send Joseph straightaway.” Barbara’s voice quavered, but she hoped her father wouldn’t notice.

Paul stepped up beside them. “Is everything all right?”

Barbara opened her mouth to respond, but her father cut her off. “She’s not ready for this yet. Just look at the way she’s trembling like a baby tree in the midst of a storm.”

Paul frowned. “I should have been watching closer. Sorry about that, Samuel.”

Barbara stomped her foot. “I am not a little girl who needs to be pampered. No one has to watch me or tell me when I should quit working.”

The men stood silently, apparently dumbfounded by her outburst.

“Your daed’s right about how tired you look,” Paul finally said. “But if you want to continue working, it’s your right to do so. After all, this is
your
shop, and
you’re
the boss.”

Not this again
, Barbara fumed.
Why does he feel the need to keep reminding me that I’m the boss?

She drew in a deep breath. “Actually, I should probably check on the boppli. So if I’m not needed for anything else, I’ll go on up to the house.”

“I’m sure we can manage,” Paul said, glancing at Barbara’s father.

“Jah, with Aaron’s help, we’ll do just fine.”

“All right.”

As Barbara headed for the door, Paul tapped her on the shoulder. “Can I speak with you a minute, outside?”

Barbara nodded.

When they stood outside the shop, she asked, “What is it?”

Paul stared at the ground and pushed the toe of his boot around, making little circles in the dirt. Barbara listened to the
soft swooshing sound and wondered when or if he was going to tell her what was on his mind.

“I was wondering if you’ve thought anymore about Saturday,” he mumbled.

“Saturday?”

“Jah, my invitation to take you and the boys to the pond for a picnic and some fishing.”

Barbara hated to disappoint the boys, and she didn’t want to send the three oldest ones with Paul while she stayed home with the baby. What if one of them fell in the water and he didn’t see him in time? A lot could happen with three little boys.

“It will be a lot of fun,” he prompted.

“Jah, okay. We’ll go.”

His lips lifted at the corners. “That’s. . .uh. . .great. I’ll check with my brother and see if he has a pole I can borrow.”

Barbara thought about loaning him David’s pole, but that idea didn’t sit well with her. It wouldn’t seem right to see someone else using her husband’s fishing rod. “See you Saturday if not before,” she said with a nod.

He turned back to the shop. “You can count on it.”

B
arbara didn’t go out to the harness shop the rest of the week. She needed to rest as much as possible if she was going to feel up to going on the picnic. Despite her misgivings about spending time with Paul outside the harness shop, she looked forward to taking the boys to the pond. She had packed some food they would eat for supper. Paul had promised to come by the house as soon as he closed the harness shop at three.

Barbara glanced at the kitchen clock, and a sense of apprehension crept up her spine. Should she have accepted Paul’s invitation? She’d gone to bed early the night before, but she was exhausted. Maybe a little time spent at the pond would do her good. She used to like going there when David was alive. The children deserved to have a little fun at the pond, and maybe she did, too.

She opened the back door and spotted Aaron and Joseph sitting on the top porch step with a jar full of ladybugs. “You two need to go out to the barn and look for your fishing poles,” she said.

Joseph jumped up, but Aaron sat unmoving.

“Aaron, did you hear what I said?”

“I don’t wanna go fishing.”

“Why not? You love to fish.”

“Only with Pa when he was alive.” Aaron’s shoulders trembled.

She took a seat on the step beside him. “Grandpa’s busy today, and Paul was nice enough to invite us. Don’t you think you should go?”

He shook his head.

“It might hurt Paul’s feelings if you don’t come.”

“I don’t care.”

“But you can’t stay home alone.”

“I can go over to Grandma and Grandpa’s.”

She took hold of his hand. “You’d rather be with them than fishing?”

“Jah,” he said with a sober nod.

“We won’t get home until after supper.”

Aaron shrugged.

Barbara gave a weary sigh. “All right, then. If it’s okay with Grandma and Grandpa, you can stay at their place.”

Paul couldn’t remember the last time he’d been this enthused
about going fishing. Was it the anticipation of catching a mess of catfish, or was it the idea of spending time with Barbara and her boys?
A little of both
, he admitted as he shut down the gas lantern hanging above his workbench.

He reached under the bench and grabbed the fishing pole his brother Monroe had loaned him, then headed out the door.

When Paul reached the house, Zachary and Joseph were sitting on the porch, each holding a small fishing pole. He grinned at their enthusiasm.
Those two must like fishing as much as I do
.

“We’ve been waitin’ for you,” Joseph said eagerly. “Want me to call Mama?”

Paul stepped around them and onto the porch. “Sure, if you don’t mind.”

“Don’t mind a’tall.” Joseph jumped up, leaned his pole against the porch railing, and scurried into the house. A few minutes later he returned, lugging a wicker picnic basket. Barbara followed, holding the baby.

“Are you sure you don’t mind me bringing David along?” she asked. “I just fed him, so he could be left with my mamm for a few hours.”

Paul shook his head. “I think he’ll be fine under the makeshift tent I’ve got stashed in my buggy. Besides, if you bring the boppli along, we won’t have to hurry back if the fish are biting real good.”

She smiled. “That’s true, and I appreciate your making a little tent for the carriage.” She nodded at the baby carriage on one end of the porch.

Paul reached down and scooped up the carriage, then glanced around. “Say, where’s Aaron?”

“He ain’t comin’,” Joseph announced.

Paul glanced at Barbara.

“He said he’d rather stay with his
grossmudder
today,” she said.

“Ich wolle mir fische geh,”
Zachary said, looking up at Paul with wide eyes.

Paul smiled and started for the buggy. “I’m glad you want to go fishing, Zachary.” If Aaron didn’t want to go, Paul couldn’t do much about it.

He loaded the carriage and Barbara’s two boys into the backseat. Then he helped Barbara and the baby get settled up front with him.

As they pulled out of the yard, Paul caught a glimpse of Aaron heading for the barn. Barbara waved, but the boy didn’t look their way.

“Aaron’s missing his daed,” she said. “They used to go fishing together every chance they got.”

He nodded. “I figured as much.”

“I guess going to the pond today would be a painful reminder that his daed’s not here anymore.”

“He’ll come around in time.” Even as the words slipped off Paul’s tongue, he wondered if they were true. Aaron might never completely get over his father’s death, and he would probably never take a liking to Paul.

Barbara kissed the top of her baby’s head. “At least Aaron will have some memories of David, which is more than this little guy will have.” She glanced over her shoulder. “For that matter, Zachary probably won’t remember his daed at all. I’m not even sure about Joseph.”

Paul wished he could say or do something to ease the pain on Barbara’s face. It wasn’t fair that she had to bear the loss of her husband and try to raise four boys on her own. It didn’t seem right for Margaret, his brother’s widow, to go through life on her own, either. At least Margaret and Dan’s four children were grown, so she didn’t have the responsibility of caring for little ones. Even so, Margaret must be lonely without Dan.

Paul’s thoughts turned to John Frey. Had the man considered Margaret as a candidate for marriage? She was closer to his age than Barbara. But she’d only been a widow a few weeks. It wouldn’t seem proper for the bishop to court a newly widowed woman. Would the man consider someone else in this small Amish community for a wife?

When Barbara’s baby gurgled, Paul set his thoughts aside. He glanced over at Barbara. “Is the little fellow doing okay?”

She nodded. “I think he’s enjoying the ride.”

Paul looked over his shoulder. “The boys in the back must be, too. They’re fast asleep.”

Barbara chuckled. “As soon as we pull up to the pond, they’ll be wide awake and raring to go.”

“I sure hope the fish are biting today,” he said. “Wouldn’t want to disappoint the kinner.”

“Zachary’s not old enough to do much fishing yet, so I doubt he would care whether or not they were biting.”

“Joseph might, though.”

“Maybe. But he’s so taken with you, he’d probably be happy just sitting on the grass by your side.”

“Sure don’t know why. I’ve never been that comfortable with little ones. I think most of ’em feel the same way about me.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Don’t rightly know, but I am sure of the reason I’m leery of them.”

“Why’s that?”

“I dropped my brother Elam when he was a boppli, and it left him with a fat lip and a lump on his forehead.” He blew out his breath. “I was afraid of holding any bopplin after that.”

“That must have been scary for both of you. But you were only a boy, and what happened was just an accident.”

“Jah, well, I still get
naerfich
around kinner—especially little ones. I never know what to say to them.” He grunted. “Take your boy Aaron, for example. He doesn’t like me; that’s obvious enough.”

“Don’t take anything Aaron says or does personally, Paul. He’s still struggling with his daed’s death.”

He shrugged. “Guess you might be right about that. Even so—”

“I believe Joseph sees something you don’t,” she said, reaching over to touch his arm.

The feel of Barbara’s slender fingers on his bare skin made Paul’s arm tingle. He inhaled deeply, searching for something else to talk about. “We’re getting close to the pond. I can smell it. Can you?” he asked as she pulled her hand away.

“Jah, I believe I can.”

A short time later, they pulled onto a grassy spot. Paul had no sooner secured the horse to a tree than the boys woke up and clambered out of the buggy. “Here, let me help you down,” Paul said, offering Barbara his hand.

She leaned forward and gave him the baby. “If you’ll take Davey, I can get out of the buggy a little easier.”

“After what I said about dropping my little bruder, are you sure you trust me to hold him?”

She nodded. “I’m sure you’ll do fine.”

Reluctantly, Paul took the infant. He’d never held a baby this young before and wasn’t sure if he was doing it right. He laid the baby against his shoulder, then patted the little fellow’s back, feeling more awkward and nervous by the minute.

As soon as Barbara stepped down, she took her son. Paul felt a rush of relief. He’d seen many fathers hold their babies and look perfectly comfortable, but he doubted he ever would if he became a father.

Paul reached under the front seat and grabbed an old quilt. He handed it to Barbara. “If you and the boys want to get settled, I’ll get the rest of the stuff unloaded.”

“Joseph can help,” she said.

Paul nodded toward the shoreline. The boys were already romping back and forth, throwing rocks into the water. “Let him play. I can manage.”

“All right.” Cradling little David, Barbara headed for a grassy area not far from the water.

In short order, Paul had a little tent set up for the baby carriage. Barbara put the infant inside and draped the piece of netting she’d brought over the sides. After Paul got the boys’ fishing poles ready, he baited Barbara’s hook and handed her the pole.

“Danki.” She placed it on the ground and took a seat on the grass. “I’m not used to having someone wait on me, you know.”