On Her Own (29 page)

Paul shifted on the hard bench where he sat on the men’s side of the room. He was having a hard time keeping his mind on the church service. All he could think about was Barbara. He hadn’t been able to speak with her since the night Aaron had climbed up the silo ladder, but he hoped he might get the chance later today. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say now that he’d had more time to think about things. Maybe it would be best if he kept his feelings for her to himself and waited to see how things went between Barbara and the bishop. In the meantime, he needed to work on strengthening his relationship with Aaron.

Paul glanced across the room and spotted Barbara sitting beside her mother and cradling little Davey. His heart clenched
when she leaned down and kissed the baby’s downy head. Paternal feelings he’d never felt before had surfaced unexpectedly since he had spent time with Barbara and her children. If only those boys were his. If only he and Barbara. . .

Paul jerked his attention to the front of the room when Bishop John began reading from Ecclesiastes 4:9–10. “ ‘Two are better than one; because they have a good reward for their labour. For if they fall, the one will lift up his fellow: but woe to him that is alone when he falleth; for he hath not another to help him up.’ ”

Is the bishop preaching to himself again? Does he think he needs Barbara as his wife because two are better than one?
Paul gritted his teeth.
If only I had the nerve to ask her not to marry John but to marry me instead. But even if I were to do something so bold, she would probably say no. She’s given me no indication that she cares for me other than as a friend
.

Paul felt relief when church was finally over and he could be outside in the fresh air. He ate his meal quietly, sitting at one of the tables under a large maple tree in the Rabers’ backyard. As he ate, he tried to decide exactly what he should say whenever he spoke with Barbara again.

After everyone had finished eating, Paul decided to seek Barbara out. He wandered around the yard but didn’t see any sign of her. He figured she was probably still inside, either visiting with the women or taking care of the baby.

From Paul’s vantage near the barn, he noticed Aaron across the yard, watching a group of older children play a game of baseball. It wouldn’t be long before the weather turned too cold for baseball.

He pushed his thoughts aside as he approached Barbara’s
oldest son. “Hey, Aaron, how are you doing?” he asked, clasping the boy’s shoulder.

“I’m doin’ okay, but I sure wish the older kids would let me play with ’em.”

“Won’t be any time at all until you’ll be included with the older ones,” Paul said, hoping to make Aaron feel better about things. “Why, I think you’ve grown a couple inches since I first came home.”

Aaron smiled, and his face turned a little pink. “You really think so?”

“Sure do.” Paul hesitated a moment; then he decided to plunge ahead. “Say, I’ve been thinking—”

Aaron looked up at him expectantly. “Jah?”

“I’m planning to go fishing next Saturday afternoon, and I was wondering if your mamm might give her permission for you to join me. That is, if you’d like to go.”

“Only you and me? Not Mama and my brothers?”

Paul shook his head. “Just the two of us.”

Aaron’s lips turned upward, and his dark eyes glistened with anticipation. “I’d like that. Jah, I really would.”

“Great. I’ll speak to your mamm as soon as I find her.”

The boy pointed to the house. “I think she went inside to feed the boppli.”

“Okay, then. Guess I’ll just wait until she comes outside again.”

Barbara sat in the rocker and leaned her head back as she fed her
hungry baby. She was glad church had been held at her folks’ place today. When Davey got fussy, all she had to do was walk a few steps to nurse him in the privacy of her own bedroom.

Feeling kind of drowsy, she let her eyes drift shut, enjoying this special time of being alone with her infant son.
Oh, David, how I wish you could be here to see your namesake—to hold him—talk to him—watch him grow into a man
.

She thought about her other three sons. Zachary had been so young when David died that he would never remember his father. Joseph might not, either. Aaron was the only one who would, and he was the one who had been promised the harness shop someday.

If I sell the shop, it will never be Aaron’s. Yet, if I keep it, I’ll have to keep relying on Dad’s help until Aaron’s old enough to take his place
. She groaned.
Dad’s arthritis isn’t getting any better, and it’s not really fair to expect him to keep working for me when his hands are stiff and everything he does causes him pain
.

Barbara drew in a deep breath and tried to relax. She knew she needed to quit worrying, stop being so indecisive, and place the matter in God’s hands. He knew what was best for her and the children. For now, the best thing she could do was pray and wait on Him to give her clear direction.

As Barbara was putting Davey into his crib, a soft knock sounded on the door.

“Come in,” she called.

The door creaked open, and Faith stepped into the room. “Is he asleep?” she whispered.

“Jah.”

“I wanted to talk with you, but I guess we’d better do it
downstairs so we don’t wake the little guy.”

Barbara moved over to the bed, took a seat on one end, and patted the spot beside her. “It’s okay. Davey’s like his daed—he could sleep through a thunderstorm.”

Faith chuckled and sat down.

“What did you want to talk about?”

“Noah said he was by your shop the other day and that your daed had mentioned how far behind you’re getting.”

“It’s true. We’ve got more work than the two of us can manage.”

Faith’s blue eyes revealed her concern. “Your daed’s arthritis really slows him down, doesn’t it?”

Barbara nodded. “I wish I didn’t have to rely on his help. But no matter how hard I try, I simply can’t do all the work on my own.”

“Is Paul planning to come back to the harness shop to help you after the harvest is over?”

“As far as I know, he’ll be returning to Pennsylvania.” Barbara swallowed around the lump in her throat. She hated the idea of Paul leaving but didn’t know what she could do to stop him from going.

“I thought the bishop had asked you to marry him. Whatever happened with that?”

Barbara shrugged. “He changed his mind.” She couldn’t very well tell her friend that the bishop had taken an interest in Margaret. Not when he’d told her he hadn’t asked Margaret to marry him yet. Besides, it was his place to do the telling, not hers.

“You’re in love with him, aren’t you?”

“The bishop?”

“No, silly. Paul.”

“What?” Faith’s direct question jarred Barbara clear down to her toes.

“Don’t try to deny it. I’ve seen the look of love written all over your face every time Paul’s name is mentioned.”

Barbara dropped her gaze to the floor. “I can’t allow myself to have feelings for him.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t want to forget David or let go of what we once had.”

Faith slipped her arm around Barbara’s shoulders. “Romans 7:2 tells us, ‘For the woman which hath an husband is bound by the law to her husband so long as he liveth; but if the husband be dead, she is loosed from the law of her husband.’ ”

Barbara sniffed as tears formed in her eyes. “I know that verse. But part of me will always love David.”

“And well you should. He was a wunderbaar husband and a good daed. However, I’m sure David wouldn’t want you to spend the rest of your life pining for him. He’d want you to find love and happiness again.” Faith picked up the handkerchief lying on the bedside table and handed it to Barbara. “Dry your eyes and tell me how you feel about Paul Hilty.”

Barbara blotted her eyes with the hanky. Then she lifted her head and looked directly at Faith. “You’re bound and determined to make me say it, aren’t you?”

Faith chuckled. “As you may recall, you were pretty determined that I see my need for Noah after I returned to Webster County a few years ago.”

Barbara forced a smile. “I knew your place was here with your family and friends, not on the road trying to make a name
for yourself. I also knew Noah could make you happy.”

“You were right about that.” Faith patted Barbara’s hand. “I believe Paul can make you happy, as well.”

“But I don’t know how he feels about me. One minute I think we’re getting close, and the next minute he pulls away. It’s almost as if he’s afraid of something.”

“Maybe he is. Have you asked him?”

Tears hung on Barbara’s lashes. “I can’t. It wouldn’t be right. It would be too bold.”

“Humph! You know how I feel about that notion.”

Barbara smiled despite her tears. “I think your time of living among the English made you see things in a different light than most people in our community do.”

Faith nodded. “I guess you’re right about that, but at least I’m not a rebellious daughter anymore, and I know how good I’ve got it right here with my family and friends.” She grimaced. “Back in the days when I wasn’t following the Lord, I was silly enough to believe the fifth commandment was to humor my father and mother rather than honor them. Only then, my folks never thought anything I said or did was funny.”

“That’s all changed, though.”

“Right. Often I’ll tell a joke, and my daed will laugh so hard he’ll have tears running down his cheeks.”

“Anything in particular you’ve told him lately?” Barbara asked, eager for a joke to lighten the mood.

“Oh, sure. I told him the story about the Amish man who went to visit his friend right after a bad storm.”

“What happened?” Barbara asked.

“The man said, ‘Did you lose much in that tornado?’ His
friend nodded and replied, ‘Jah. I lost the henhouse and all my chickens. But that was fine with me, ’cause I ended up with four new cows and somebody’s horse and buggy!’ ”

Barbara laughed. “You sure haven’t lost your sense of humor.”

Faith smiled, but then she sobered. “There’s one thing I did not learn while I was living in the English world. It’s something I grew up knowing but didn’t come to recognize until I moved back to Webster County.”

“What was that?”

“The importance of committing every situation to God. I think it’s time for the two of us to pray that the Lord will direct you and Paul.” Faith squeezed Barbara’s fingers. “Keep an open mind and trust Jesus. If you’re supposed to be with Paul, it will all work out.”

Barbara drew in a deep breath and sighed. “I surely hope so.”

Barbara opened the front screen door and discovered Paul and Aaron seated on the porch step. She smiled at the way they had their heads together, talking as though they were the best of friends.

Both of them looked up when Barbara stepped out the door.

“Hey, Mama,” Aaron said with a lopsided grin.

“Hey, Aaron. Where are your little brothers?”

“They went for a walk with Grandpa.” He grinned up at Paul. “We’ve just been sitting here talkin’ about the fishin’ trip he wants to take me on this Saturday.”

Paul looked kind of sheepish, and his ears turned pink. “I was planning to ask you first, of course,” he said, nodding at Barbara.

Barbara noticed Aaron’s hopeful expression. “Would it just be him and you?” she asked, looking back at Paul.

He nodded. “I thought it would give us a chance to get better acquainted.”

Barbara stared at the wooden planks beneath her feet as she contemplated the idea.
If he wants to spend more time with Aaron, does that mean Paul doesn’t plan to leave Webster County right away? Maybe he’s given up on the idea of returning to Pennsylvania
.

“Can I go fishin’ with Paul, Mama. . .please?”

She smiled. “Jah, I think it’s a good idea.”

“Danki, Mama.”

“You’re welcome,” she said, patting her son’s arm.

Paul stood. “Well, I’d best be going.”

Aaron jumped up, too. “Where to?”

“I’ve developed a headache and am feeling kind of tired, so I think I’d better go home and take a nap.” Paul’s long, lanky legs took him quickly down the steps. When he got to the bottom, he looked back over his shoulder. “I’ll be by for Aaron on Saturday around one, if that’s okay with you.”