On The Floor (Second Story) (32 page)

"Rachel, love and relationships aren't always flowers and smiles. Love has ups and downs. Highs and lows. Right now is a low. But when two people are really meant for each other, they'll always find their way back together. He loves you. You love him. You will forgive each other. You will trust each other. You will love each other. You do love each other," she finishes squeezing my hand in reassurance.

I nod my head and wipe eyes with my free hand. "I hope you're right."

"I am," she says, so sure of herself. "I have known that boy his whole life," she pauses for effect. "And I have
never
seen him as happy as he is with you with anyone else. With any
thing
else. He's let you in darling, and as hard as it was to work your way in, it's even harder to work your way out. And that's coming from someone who is in there with you."

"Thank you, Grams," I say as we smile at each other.

"Now dry your eyes and go get my husband. He has some food for me out there with him and I am starving. That dinner they gave me was pathetic."

I laugh as I stand to leave. "Sure Grams."

"And when you see my boy, tell him I'm fine. And tell him you love him," she says with a wink.

Nothing like the advice of a sage grandmother to bolster your confidence.

***

I get to my car and try Jake again. Still going to voicemail. I let his inbox know that I just got done visiting with his Grams and that she told me to tell him she is fine.

I tell him that I am going to go back to the dorms.

I tell him to call me when he gets this message.

I tell him I love him.

Then I hang up the phone and head to the dorms.

It's after dinner by the time I get back. I try Jake's door and his phone again, coming up empty on both counts. Then I call Jenna.

She picks up, "Home safe?"

"Kind of...?" I say.

"Oh my god! What happened!? Did you get a ticket? Were you in an accident? Is everything okay?" she asks her questions coming at me rapid fire.

"I'm fine. Everything is fine. I'm just not at my dad's house. I'm at the dorm. Can you come to my room to hang out?"

"Phew! You freaked me out! I can hang out, but can you actually come to mine? I'm in the middle of organizing my closet."

"Sure. Be up in a few."

I hang up and head out the door, to the stairs, and up to her room.

The door is open when I get there so I walk right in and look for a place to sit, but the only place not covered in clothes is the floor. "Heeeeyyy," I say.

"Hey! Close the door. You can sit on my desk chair. Just give me second to move the stuff that's on it to the bed," Jenna says smiling over at me. "And then we can sit and talk about why in the world you are missing your Mom's dinner tonight."

She just gets right to it, doesn't she?

After a few minutes the chair is clear, so I sit down. I think she is going to keep going through her closet, but instead she sits down on the floor in front of her door, leaning on it for support. She looks at me expectantly.

"Um..."

"Come on, Rachel. I know you want to talk about this or you wouldn't be here. I'm listening," she says. She may sound harsh to the outside observer, but this is the kind of person I need to be my best friend. I'm always worried about other people. I need someone who will push me to talk. Someone who will make me see things I maybe didn't see before she makes me see it.

"I talked to my dad about doing the dinner on Mom's birthday."

"Finally!" she says, throwing her hands in the air. "But you don't looked very relieved about it," she comments, pushing me to explain.

"He agreed. I'll go next month and we'll do it then."

"But there's obviously more."

I go on to explain all that happened with me and Jake, and Grams. I tell her everything from start to finish. Much more in depth that I told my dad or Grams. I try to remember word for word what he said to me. I want her to know. I want someone to know. And I want to know if she thinks that we are over.

I haven't fully accepted it. If I had, I would be a crying, sobbing, snotty mess on the floor right now. But what Grams said gave me hope. Even though he's not answered my messages or my calls, I don't feel like it's over yet.

Jenna is quiet for a few minutes after I finish my long, drawn out recounting.

"First of all, I'm proud of you for finally talking to your dad about the dinner thing. That was a really big step to take in the right direction. It feels like you've been treating him like the child, babying him for so long. It's good that you finally realize he's not as fragile as he was four years ago."

"Thanks," I say quietly.

"Second, Grams is right. There is no way that Jake is ever going to be over you. He's not going to throw your relationship away after everything you've been through to get to where you are. He doesn't think things through sometimes and he's not always the best at expressing how he feels. We both know this from experience. Give him the night. Talk to him tomorrow or if he comes to see you tonight. Don't push it until he's taken a breath."

"Okay. That all makes sense," I say quietly, remembering all the times we have miscommunicated with each other. All the missed opportunities we had together. We are both new at this. We'll get it eventually.

We're just not there yet. Obviously.

"Third, I know where Jake is. Nate and I were going to go see a movie tonight, but he cancelled on me. He said that Jake was having a rough day and needed to go out. He told me to tell you not to worry. Jake told him he was having a bad day, but wouldn't go into detail. Nate promised me he would look out for him. Keep him from doing 'stupid drunk guy shit.' That's a quote," she says laughing. "So don't worry. Jake is safe in Nate's hands. They're going to hang out at Toby's and then head back to stay at Nate's place."

I take a relieved breath. At least I know where he is. And I trust Nate. Toby... maybe not so much. But definitely Nate. "You could've led with that part, Jen."

"What?" she asks, smiling innocently. "I had to build the suspense."

At that response, I pick up a pile of her clothes and throw them at her. She ducks as they hit the door, laughing at my childish behavior. "Calm down, pretty girl. Let's pick a movie and you can help me decide what to keep and what is trash," she says gesturing to all the piles of clothes around her room.

"Sure," I say. "But one more thing before we start."

"Yeah?"

"I think you said something about you and Nate... and a movie?" I say, acting dumb. "That kind of sounds like a date."

"It kind of does, if it was with someone else. We are friends. Friends can go to the movies together," she says, getting a little defensive.

"Okay. I just wanted to check. I know I've got a bunch of stuff going on right now, especially this weekend, but that doesn't mean I'm still not available as your best friend. I want to give some BFF boy advice every now and then."

"I know. And if I need any, you will be the first one I call. But I don't," she says sticking her tongue out at me.

"I mean, especially since I already dated this guy, I might have some sort of insight on..." And I can't even finish my sentence before she throws the clothes I flung at her back at me.

"Shut up! Don't remind me about that!" she says laughing.

There is so much going on right now.

My fight with Jake.

Grams in the hospital.

The anniversary of my mom's death.

Some people might not get how I could be laughing right now.

But what some people might not realize is sometimes in life there is so much bad going on, it's better to try and forget it. Just for a little while.

Whether it's for two hours while you watch a movie.

If it's for three hours while you help organize a closet.

Even it is for two minutes to have a clothes fight with your best friend.

Because without those brief distractions, what some people might not realize, is that you are only one second away, one little trigger away, from completely losing it.

And when you lose it, there is no escape from the crippling sadness that the laughter kept at bay.

Well, at least the laughter kept it at bay for a little while.

Chapter 24

"Stop yawning!" Jenna scolds, nudging me with her elbow.

"I can't help it!" I say laughing. "It's getting late and I've had a long day," I say trying to stifle the next yawn.

"Seriously? There are ten minutes left in the movie. The best part is coming up. Be awake!" she says, shaking me and bouncing on the bed as we sit side by side.

After looking through her movie collection, we ended up deciding on
Sixteen Candles
. We are just about to the part of the movie when Jake Ryan shows up at the church at the end of the movie. That's Jenna's favorite part. My favorite part is any scene with Long Duck Dong. He makes me laugh. But I guess the end is my second favorite part.

"I know, I know," I say sitting up straighter and opening my eyes wide as if that will keep me awake.

I sent Jake a text letting him know where I was and that I wanted to talk to him, if not tonight, then tomorrow. I haven't heard back. But according to Jenna's correspondence with Nate they just left Toby's place to head back to Nate's apartment.

The movie ends the same way it always does, happily for now and I get up off the bed. "I am exhausted."

"Really? I wasn't sure based on the twenty million times you yawned in the last half hour," Jenna says sarcastically.

"Ha ha," I say flatly. "You're so funny. I'm going to my room."

"Call me after you talk to Jake. Whatever you need, Rach," she says smiling supportively.

"Will do," I reply, trying not to think about the fact that Jake still hasn't responded to me. I call his phone when I step out of Jenna's room and it rings. Finally.

I walk down the stairs to my room and come out of the stairwell while his phone is still ringing. I look down the hall to where my room is and see something I absolutely did not expect to see.

But I don't see it at my door. I see it at Jake's.

And my heart beats fast before it stops. At least it feels like it stops.

Jake's door closes and Natalie turns around to walk down the hall.

Natalie.

His ex-fuck-buddy-whatever.

She fixes her short, tight dress while smoothing her hair. She adjusts her purse on her shoulder and licks her lips. And then she looks up at me. She pauses for a second, her face blank, and then her lips curve up into a smirk. She starts walking towards me, swaying her hips with a look on her face like she knows she just destroyed me.

And she fucking loves it.

When she gets next to me, she leans in and speaks quietly near my ear. "He's sleeping, so make sure you're quiet when you close your door. Wouldn't want to wake him. He's pretty worn out." She pulls away and looks at me with fake pity. "It's okay sweetie. I'm sure you'll be able to find another man. You're cute. You just aren't meant to keep a man like Jake. He needs someone a little more like me," she says with a smile.

With that, she opens the door to the stairwell and leaves, her heels echoing around the walls until the door closes behind her.

I am frozen. A statue.

And then I realize that I am still on the phone. Jake's voicemail must have picked up while I was listening to Natalie. Anger surges in me when I remember what I just saw. What she just said to me.

"You're an asshole, Jake. A big fucking mistake," I say quietly before hanging up the phone.

I still haven't moved from the spot in the hall. I feel like I can't breathe. I feel like everything inside of me is cracking.

Crumbling.

Breaking.

Shattering.

I don't want to do this here. I don't want this to happen at all. But it is. And I don't want it to be here in the middle of the hall. I have to get to my room where I can be alone. Where my world can break apart and I can be the only witness to it.

I take a deep breath and move towards my room. I know I'm walking fast, but everything feels like it's moving in slow motion. I fumble for my keys and open my door. I close it. I blink. Then I crumple to the floor. Sobbing. Trying to catch my breath. Trying not to completely break.

But I think I already have.

I know that I have.

I've met my trigger. And she is a total fucking bitch.

***

I wake up on the floor feeling disoriented. I'm not sure where I am. I blink the sleep from my eyes and rub my face.

And then it hits me. Something that felt like a dream, but was more like a nightmare.

Something that is my reality.

Jake's door. Natalie. Natalie leaving Jake's room last night.

And I start to cry all over again.

He meant every word he said to me yesterday.

He was done. I was a mistake. He didn't want to be with me anymore.

So he went and got with someone else.

When my tears clear enough that I can read the clock on my phone, I see that it is early morning. I also notice that I don't have any missed calls or new messages.

After all the messages I sent him, voicemails, and missed calls, he hasn't returned or responded to a single one. As hurt and angry as I am about everything that happened last night when I saw Natalie, what hurts more is the fact that he has completely disregarded me. He has ignored me. He has made me feel like I am expendable.

And I guess I am to him.

I know we had a fight. And I know that he was going through a lot yesterday with not knowing what was going on with Grams, but it almost feels like everything between us was a lie. Even though we fought, I still care about him. I changed my plans with my family to check on
him
and
his
family and he ignored me. Is
still
ignoring me. And he slept with Natalie.

He knows what today is. He knows how
emotional
today is for me. He knows I still struggle with the loss of my mother. And after one fight, one misunderstanding, he moved on. I would never do that to him. I don't care what his excuse is. I don’t care if he was hurt, sad, angry, or drunk. You don’t do this to someone you love.