On The Floor (Second Story) (35 page)

I don't turn on my light. I don't make a noise. I don't want anyone to know I'm here.

I just go to my bed and lie down. I close my eyes for a minute and then open them and I just stare at the ceiling, listening to everyone walk by my room chatting as they make their way to the stairwell.

Then I hear a knock at my door.

"Rachel?" It's that same broken voice I heard from down the hall. Jake. "Are you there? I saw your car in the parking lot, but I don't know if you’re in your room. I don't know what's going on. I didn't mean what I said to you. I just... I want to talk..." He pauses, and then one more, "Rachel?" before I hear him shuffle back to his room and close the door.

I go get my headphones and put them in, turning my music on so I don't have to hear him if he comes back. He sounds like his heart is broken. He sounds confused. He sounds lost.

But he shouldn't be feeling that way. He's the one who made the choice to cheat on me. He's the one who threw us away. Broken hearted. Confused. Lost. Those are
my
feelings. I mean... if I could feel anything right now.

***

I end up falling asleep with my music on and only wake up hours later because I have to use the bathroom. I take my headphones out of my ears and move near the door. I sit there for close to thirty minutes listening for any noise to indicate what is going on in the hall. All I hear is silence. So I stand up and open the door slowly, peering into the hallway before I walk out and towards the bathroom. I make it a quick trip.

When I turn the corner of the hall to go back to my room, I see Jake's door is cracked. I pause and consider going up to Jimmy's room to hang out, but I decide to suck it up. I slowly and quietly walk towards my room and unlock the door, but before I can open it, I feel Jake's hand close over mine around the door handle.

He sighs in relief as I flinch away, pulling my hand from underneath his. The hand that touched Natalie. The hand that squeezed my heart until there was nothing left but dust.

"You're okay," he says on an exhale, more to himself than to me.

I turn to face him as he puts his hands in his hair, pulling at the roots. I look at him, a blank expression on my face.

"I thought something happened to you. You weren't answering your phone. Nate tried calling Jenna too, but... I'm glad you're here," he says with a sad and nervous look on his face. He moves in to hug me, but I flinch away again.

His smile drops. "Can we talk?" I look up at him, taking in the dark circles under his red rimmed eyes, the scruff on his face, the wrinkled clothes.

"What is there to talk about?" I say monotone.

He looks confused, but changes his expression quickly and clears his throat. "Can we do this in one of our rooms?"

I shake my head. "Here is fine."

"Okay," he responds quietly, before moving a little closer and lowering his voice. "I was going through a lot with Grams and I wasn't thinking clearly. I didn't mean what I said. I'm sorry. You are worth
everything
..." he finishes looking into my eyes. "I love you so much, I..."

I decide to interrupt him now. "Okay. Is that all?"

"What's wrong, Rachel? I know we had a fight and it was a shitty time to do it, but I just want to talk to you," he moves a little closer, but I step back.

"I just can't believe this. You are just going to act like it didn't happen?" I say, not sounding angry. Just tired.

"No. I told you I was sorry for the things I said. I'm so fucking sorry," he shakes his head.

"Are you sorry about Natalie too? Is that supposed to... what? Make things all better? A fucking apology?" My voice has gotten a little louder. The numb feeling is leaving my body as I look up into his eyes and the confusion there. I am starting to feel it all over again. All the devastation that hit me when I saw Natalie leaving his room.

"Natalie? What?"

"I saw her leaving your room that night Jake! I saw your grams in the hospital and then I came looking for you. I went to Jenna's room after she told me you were out with Nate, but I guess that was a lie because when I came back down here to go to sleep, I saw someone leaving your room. And it wasn't fucking Nate! It was Natalie!" I nearly yell at him, all the emotions that had hidden themselves earlier finally breaking free.

His face screws up and he looks even more confused than he did before. He grabs my hand and pulls me into his room. I fight him, trying to pull away, but once he gets me into his room, he moves in front of the door blocking my exit.

I stand there staring at him. Angry. Pissed. Fuming. Hurt.

He looks into my eyes making sure to get eye contact with me before talking. "I don't remember much of that night, but I certainly don't remember coming back here or seeing Natalie. I woke up at Nate's."

I growl at him. "Just because you don't
remember
it, doesn't mean it didn't fucking happen, Jake! I saw her leaving your room!"

"Rachel, that doesn't mean I was even here. She might have just been..." he starts, trying to reach for my hands.

"Been what? Throwing you a surprise party? Breaking in to steal your baseball cards? You were there! Your door was open. She came out of your room disheveled and looking more used than she normally does, and then you closed the door behind her Jake. You fucked her! Just fucking admit it!" I scream.

"But I didn't!" he says adamantly.

"You don't
remember
it!" I yell back.

He growls turning around to face the door, running his hands through his hair, before he laces them behind his neck and looks up at the ceiling.

After a moment he turns to look at me, his head hung low. "You're right," he replies, my breath hitching in my throat. "I don't remember everything, but Nate was with me. We stayed the night at his place. We were at Toby's and then we drove to Nate's. He didn't even drink. He knows everything that happened. He was with me all night!" he says. "Please. Believe me..."

"I want to..." I say my resolve breaking at the look on his face. I still love him so much. "But I know what I saw. You didn't call me. You didn't respond to any texts. I saw Natalie leaving your room when you say you weren't even here. Nothing makes sense..." I finish shaking my head.

"Rachel..." he says, seeing the weakness that is starting to fill me. He looks so sincere. He looks like he is telling the truth. But I saw her… I need to think. I need to be by myself. If I stay here with him, I won’t be able to think clearly.

"Please, Jake. If you love me at all, just let me leave. I want to be alone. I can't... It's too much," I say while trying to catch my breath through my crying.

"I
do
love you. So much," he replies, moving to the side. As I start to leave his room, he grabs my hand but I don't turn around. "Just promise me we will talk more. Tell me that we're not over..."

I take a breath, but I don't respond to him before I leave his room and walk across the hall to mine.

When I get to my room, I put my headphones in and lie on my bed, glad that I am feeling again and that the numbness is gone. Even though the feelings are heart wrenching, they are better than the emptiness that comes with being numb.

After hours spent lying in my bed I still can't figure out what actually happened with Jake and Natalie. It doesn't make sense that Jake could have gone back to Nate's if I saw him Natalie come out of his room. I
saw
her leave and the door close behind her. But I didn't see Jake... But who else would have been there with Natalie? Did he
actually
wake up at Nate's? Maybe he did, but he went there after he hooked up with Natalie in his room...

This is all driving me crazy. All the questions. All the maybes. All the doubt. I need the truth. I need to know what happened. What I saw and what Jake is saying happened just don't match. I need to talk to Jenna, but it's late and she is driving back here right now. Plus, she has her own mess going on at the moment with Nate.

My mind finally calms a bit when I decide to sleep on it. I don't have to make any decisions right now. I can talk to Jenna in the morning and maybe even Nate. Maybe they can both give me some insight. I just can't process everything on the few hours of sleep that I've had.

I close my eyes and hope that I can open them to some clarity.

***

I wake up the next morning feeling rested, but not any less confused and upset about the situation. I text Jenna hoping she is up and that I can come up and talk. She texts me back, saying that I can come up whenever. I let her know that I'll go grab some coffee and bagels and then head up to her room.

I slip on my sandals and head down to the coffee stand right outside the dorm in my pajamas, a pair of sleep shorts and a tank top. I get our goodies and head back up to her room. She cracked the door open for me, so I knock, giving her warning before I open it. When I walk in, she's still snuggled in her bed under the covers. She peaks up at me as I walk in and smiles. "Good morning sunshine," she says as she sits up.

"Breakfast in bed?" I ask her as I hold out the bagel and coffee to her.

Her smile grows. "Ooo! Gimme gimme!" she exclaims reaching for my offering.

"You have quite a bit of energy this morning," I tell her as I sit down in her desk chair and sip my coffee.

"I think it is all the adrenaline. Nate texted me to see if he could come over and I told him it was fine. That we needed to talk. I'm just pumped to put him in his place over all this lying shit." And she
looks
pumped.

"Well I'm glad that you're going to talk to him today," I respond. "And I wanted to talk to you about all of that. I actually talked to Jake last night..."

"What!" she blurts out around a bite of bagel.

"Yeah..."

"And you didn't call me immediately?! What happened?"

"You were driving and it was late... I just..."

"It's fine. I understand," she says. "What I really care about is what he said."

"Well, he caught me as I was coming back from the bathroom and asked if we could talk. He apologized for what he said to me before he left for the hospital, but he didn't mention Natalie at all," I start to tell her.

"Aha! The
if I don't mention it, it never happened
. But it sounds like he still wants to be with you."

"Well, he does. Then I brought up Natalie while we were still standing out in the hall. I asked him if he was sorry about
her
. And Jenna, he looked totally confused. Like he had no idea why I would even bring her up. So he moved us to his room after I yelled at him about fucking her. Then he told me that he only remembered some of the things about that night, but he didn't remember coming back to the dorms or seeing her. He says he woke up at Nate's," I finish explaining sounding confused myself.

"So he doesn't remember fucking Natalie. Doesn't mean it didn't happen," she says pointing that little bit of information out to me.

"That's what
I
said. He said that they went straight from Toby's to Nate's. Nate didn't drink since he was going to drive, so Jake told me to talk to Nate. But should I even trust what Nate says? I mean, he's Jake's friend. Won't he cover for him?" I ask Jenna.

"Well, I'm not sure how I feel about Nate right now, but he'll be here in a few minutes so why don't I just ask him," she says with a smile on her face. She looks like she can't wait to tear into him about lying to her. "I mean they say they didn't go out. They say they slept at Nate's. They
say
a lot of things. Now
I
want to
say
something..."

"Well," I start to say, hoping to remind her to stay calm because she can get, um, energetic in these types of situations, when there is a knock on the door.

"Come in," she sing-songs sweetly, a deceivingly innocent smile on her face.

This is how I know she truly cares about Nate. The fact that she is hurt about what he told her. She is normally indifferent when it comes to break-ups. Or like with Will, she is a little sad. But she seems livid at a seemingly small misunderstanding with Nate.

Nate walks into the room with a blank expression on his face. He sees Jenna and his expression turns a bit sad before he sees me. And then he looks confused. "Jenna? Rachel? What's up?" he asks.

Jenna's smile stays sweet, but her eyes say something else. "Hey Nate! What's up? How have you been?"

"Um, I've been good. I actually wanted to see you. I thought we were going to hang out this weekend, Jenna," he says to her, his eyes briefly flicking over towards me. "Then you disappeared and wouldn't answer my texts. I was worried," he finishes. And he looks worried.

"Oh. Sorry about that. I just decided to go home and spend some time with Rachel and my family. You know, I'm sorry about not telling you what was going on and telling you we would hang out and then changing plans. It's almost like I," she pauses and her smile drops, "
lied
to you." Her sweet smile comes back before she finishes. "But, hey, you fucking lied to me too, so... no harm done." She shrugs and then goes back to eating her bagel.

Nate looks totally confused right now. "What did I lie to you about?" he asks, sounding a little angry. "I've told you more truths about myself than I've told
anyone
."

"Yeah, so you say. But who the fuck knows if those things were the truth or not. You know, when you
lie
to someone, you break trust. And I put a lot of trust in you Nate. And then you
lied
, and now that trust is gone," she replies, shrugging again like it's no big deal.

"Would you just tell me what the fuck you think I lied about?" Nate responds, nearly yelling. I think that they have both forgotten that I am here. I feel like I am witnessing something that should be a private argument, but it might be more awkward if I got up and left right now.

"You know, when you told me,
promised
me, on Thursday that you would look out for Jake. That you were just going to Toby's and then back to your place. Something there isn't adding up seeing as my friend Rachel over there saw her boyfriend's super slutty ex-fuck buddy leaving his room on Thursday night.