I watch happily as Grams places cut-up pieces of pancakes and syrup in front of an excited Emmerson.
I can’t believe my baby’s going to school.
“Oh, frhanks, Grams. I wove pancakes,” Emme says, stuffing her face and clapping, her hazel eyes open wide with excitement.
Laughing at Emme’s glee, I continue to enjoy our morning together. Smiling, I put my index fingers at the sides of my mouth, stretching it out as much as I can. I stick my tongue out at her, causing her to laugh harder before making a monkey face of her own. We continue making silly faces back and forth, rolling our eyes and snickering, all the while ignoring Grams’ reminders.
“All right, you two little troublemakers, we’ve got to settle down now. Emme, you need to eat, and your mommy needs to listen to her elders and get going. There won’t be time for all those pictures she’s going to want to take if we miss the bus.”
Emme giggles messily through a mouthful of syrup and blueberries, but is sitting up tall and managing to look all grown up in her first-day-of-school outfit. We found the cutest pair of pink overalls on sale at Baby Gap, along with a matching pink-and-white polka dot Henley to wear underneath. I topped it all off with the sweetest polka dotted headband to keep her golden ringlets out of her face. And, of course, the sparkly magenta Converse runners Grams insisted on buying, ones that match all of her pink outfits perfectly.
“I know. Does the camera have newer batteries? Do you think I should bring the extra memory card?” I hum, trying to remember where I put the package I bought last night.
I cannot wait to update my phone to one that can take a decent photo.
I glance at the time on the microwave clock; I really do need to move it.
“Oh, Braun, honey, relax. I’ve got the camera all ready. I’ve packed the memory card and I’ve put the batteries I bought as well as the ones you bought in the bag too. I’d say we’re all set.” She taps Emmerson’s nose. “Are you planning on leaving your hair wavy today? It might save some time.”
“No, I think it’s better for the interview if it’s straight. I look better without the frizz. I’ll just take ten minutes or so to fix it up.”
“I think that will look nice, especially for all the pictures,” she teases, knowing I hate my half-straight, half-wavy hair. I notice her holding her lower abdomen as she sits. I wish this stubborn woman would just go to the doctor; she’s been having pains on-and-off for months now.
“You need to make that doctor’s appointment, Grams. Don’t think I don’t see you wincing. Are you still getting those cramps?” I shoot her a knowing look, already aware of the answer.
“Yes, yes. I’ll call later. Just let’s focus on the importance of today,” she says, shutting me down. “Go straighten your hair. You haven’t a thing to worry about.” She eyes me, ensuring I catch her double meaning, “I think we’ll be okay for ten or so minutes on our own. Emme and I won’t wreck the place…will we?” Gram teases, her blue eyes twinkling as she looks between Emmerson and me, making me smile.
This woman…
“I know, Grams but it’s her first day, I just want all the time I can get. It’s going to be so strange not seeing her all day. You know?” I pout, feeling my stomach drop at the thought.
“I know you’re going to miss her, I will too. Nothing is harder than seeing your babies grow up before you’re ready. Believe me. But unfortunately we can’t stop time from moving on, all we can do is appreciate the here and now. And in this here and in this now we are losing precious time. Now go, Miss-I’m-Gonna-Make-Us-Late.” Grams’ voice becomes a fluctuating and deceptively sweet singsong as she shoos me from the kitchen with a touch of menace, her spatula in hand.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m going.” I raise my hands in surrender and inch back toward the basement door while continuing to make silly faces at Emmerson, causing her to laugh and squeal. I grab a last sip from my coffee mug before putting it on the counter and running downstairs to my apartment.
I don’t know what I would have done without my Grams, she’s the most incredibly giving and caring person I know. Shortly after Emmerson and I moved in, Grams decided I needed my own space, a little place to call my own. Not because she didn’t want us upstairs with her, no, quite the opposite actually. Emmerson has two bedrooms in this house. One downstairs with me and the other upstairs on the third-floor with Grams. This way, Emme can have sleepovers anytime she wants.
Within the first week of Grams’ little revelation, she hired a crew to convert the basement of her house into a two-bedroom apartment, complete with a modest-sized living room, washroom, and a galley-style kitchen. I cast a guilty look at the virgin countertop and stove on my way to the bathroom. I’m not sure why she bothered having a kitchen installed, as she
never
lets me cook, instead insisting we eat as a family. She prepares all our meals as cooking has always been her passion. My grandmother takes cooking classes over at the community centre and lucky for us we get to be her guinea pigs, sampling all the new recipes she learns.
Grams was more adamant than I was about us having our own private space so I could feel independent—comfortable doing my own thing. Which, if Grams were to have her way, would involve having all kinds of friends over, being social with other “humans” as she puts it. Basically, Grams wants to see me hanging out with more than herself and Emmerson. I look at this woman who took me in during my most desperate time and I honestly cannot fathom how this is the same person who shares DNA with my own mother. A mother who wants nothing to do with me.
I didn’t even get the chance to offer any protest. It was happening regardless. Once my grandmother decides something, it’s law.
My grandmother started living her life to the fullest after Gramps passed away at the age of sixty. He died from an unexpected heart attack; forever affecting her outlook on life, and I think having us here helped to offset some of the sadness she felt living alone. However, Violet Daniels had made up her mind to cross every item off her bucket list. She’d taken classes, travelled when she could, dated, and above all, she allowed herself to have fun. My grandparents had always been smart with their money. My grandfather was an investment banker with Edward Jones Investments, and had always done well with the stock market. I know he left Grams more than enough money to live comfortably. But that doesn’t mean I want her spending all her money on us, which is one of the arguments I lose most often. Hence, my beautiful basement apartment for two.
My long hair is as good as it’s going to get. Back upstairs, I grab my coffee mug and top it off before plopping down beside Emme and Grams at the table.
“You’ll do great today,” Grams says, patting my hand. “You were nice and quick, we’d better leave in about fifteen minutes. Now eat up and think positive.”
“I hope so, Grams. I’m feeling uneasy, I guess,” I say with a sigh, pausing mid-sip. “I’m nervous for Emme to start school and about this damn interview at Pub Fiction. I mean, in all reality, who’s going to hire me as a social worker after this year if I’ve never had a job interacting or being social with people?” I let out an awkward laugh at the idea. “I just
really
hope this goes well. Not to mention how much I want Little Miss to love school.”
“Oh, darling, you have nothing to be nervous about. She’ll love school; all the kids there will make her forget we even exist. Trust me on that. She is more than ready for the big leagues. And as for the interview, I know the hours are perfect and it’s an ideal job for right now but don’t stress either way. There are plenty of jobs to be had in this city. Besides, I’m sure once they meet you, they’ll find out how wonderful you are and the job will be yours.”
“I sure hope so, because it’s not like I have a bunch of experience working in a bar—or anywhere—for that matter.” I fidget with my hands thinking I don’t even stand a chance. This is a terrible idea. I’ve never had a job. Who in their right mind is going to be willing to take a chance on me?
“Mmm…smells good this morning, Grams,” my best friend London sniffs as she charges in from the backyard door. “And, oh, my poor dear Hooker,” she continues, having obviously heard what we were saying, as she takes over the conversation like only she can even though she just walked in. “You will be outstanding. Don’t even sweat it.” She flaps her hand at me.
Unfortunately, my Grams leaves the door unlocked for London since she joins us every morning for breakfast. London lives next door with her sister and brother while she attends university. Their parents moved out west to Vancouver for a year because their father was asked to help open a new office, and the kids have been left to look after the house over the next year while they’re gone. London and Lucy attend Brock U with me and Linden is a teacher over at Mountainview Elementary. Grams, being Grams, offered to help keep an eye on them. So far it’s been working out. Well, except for the fact none of them cook; hence Grams leaving the door open for The Strays, as I like to call them, to come and go for meals as they please.
“Stop calling me that in front of Emme. Actually, stop calling me that altogether,” I chastise, trying to sound determined so she’ll know I’m serious but knowing she’ll just ignore me anyway.
“Whatever,” she says, flapping at me again. “Loosen up and I’ll start calling you ‘Tighty’. See what I’m doing? I figure if I play the opposites game, maybe the forces will bring you that someone special Grams and I are hoping you’ll meet sooner than later.” She pauses to allow me to process this.
God, this girl is crazy.
“I figure you need all the help you can get, and besides you need some loosening up. Even Grams agrees.” She narrows her eyes at me. “We talked about it last night when Linden and I came for tea. It was friggin’ ten o’clock and you were sleeping like an old maid. We all agreed that you need to get a life. Right, Grams?”
“Yes, honey, I do agree. I mean, even I step out and have fun from time to time. You need to start, Braun. It’s time to be a real human again and interact and play nicely with others. And perhaps you
will
meet a nice boy this year at school,” she adds, hope gleaming in her eyes.
I know she worries about me, but I’m fine.
“I can definitely relate to you, sweetheart,” Grams continues. I nod, knowing she can. “And I know it’s hard. Moving on isn’t something to take lightly, especially after all you’ve been through with Shawn’s passing. I mean look at
me,
I’ve been seeing Lewis more than a year now, and I know we’re serious, so it can definitely happen. They aren’t called second chances for nothing, you know. I swear, after your Gramps passed I figured I’d never find a new partner. I wasn’t even sure I’d want one, but look, I’ve had a few regular sexu—” She cuts herself off, and London and I both mutter our own versions of “thank goodness”. There is no way I want to hear that word coming from Gram’s mouth, ever. London and I pass a look to each other then of course burst out laughing. Grams just shakes her head, continuing to tend to Emme. “Crazy ladies, up in here, Emme, I tell ya.”
“Okay, listen you two,” I pause, waiting for London to sit down with her plate of pancakes and cup of coffee before going on. “I appreciate the concern, I do. I know you both worry but I’m happy, I promise. I have some news though, and I think you’ll both be excited. I’ve been thinking a lot lately on my own coupled, of course, with you two nagging me,” I tease, “and decided it’s time I branch out. I think it’s time I work on finding who I am post-Shawn. Not only because you guys are royal pains in my butt, but because I’m starting to have more good days than bad. That being said, you need to let me go at my own pace.” I glare at them both and kiss Emmerson on the head. “I’ll look into joining more social events at school, going out a bit more and possibly even dating. Besides, if I get this job it will be a perfect start. So, no pressuring me. I’ll get there.” I take a deep breath, relieved they are both smiling at me.
“Oh, Braun, that’s great news, sweetheart. I’m excited for you.”
“Thanks, Grams. Me too. I spoke to Juan, the chairperson for the Philanthropy club, and he told me that they really need volunteers to work a few of their fundraising events this year. One’s a bowl-a-thon, so I told him to put me down for that. I figured Emme could come too.”
Grams smiles over at Emme. “She’ll love that.”
“And
you
.” I point to London. “Stop calling me ‘Hooker’, and call the ‘forces’ off, London. I don’t need your crazy voodoo—I got this.” I wink, trying my hardest to show them I’m confident. London rolls her eyes. Lord knows, they’ll be watching, waiting and trying to “help”, regardless of my pleas.
What have I set myself up for?
Braunwyn
“P
wease no more
pictures, Mommy. I wanna play wif the kids,” Emmerson complains as we pose for yet another photo. This time I’ve got one of the other mothers snapping a few shots of Emmerson, Grams and I.
“All right, Emme. We’re all done. But can you just stay with me for a few more minutes? Mommy’s gotta go soon and I’m going to miss you so much.”
“I’ll miss you too, Mommy,” she says, and she hugs my legs. “Now can I go?” I can’t help laughing. Such a smart girl.
“Okay, baby. You go play. Mommy will be right here with Grams.”
“You’re going to have to leave sometime, Braun. You’ve already missed the eight-fifteen bus. Isn’t your interview at nine?”
“Yeah. But she needs me.” I watch as Emme runs along the grass with a young boy and two other girls. I grab my camera snapping a few pictures.
“She needs you? Or is it that you need her?” Grams says, eyeing me.
“I can’t believe he’s not here for this…” I whisper, thoughts of Shawn seeping into my mind as I watch Emme, who’s becoming so independent. “I can’t believe what he’s missing. Missed.” I wipe my tears, falling like they do whenever I speak of Shawn, thinking of all the incredible things he didn’t get to see: first steps, first tooth, four birthdays and now her starting school. Then I get a little mad thinking of all the things
Emmerson
is missing out on, not having her dad. I hate feeling like this.