“That is awesome. Game on.” I wiped my mouth, and caught him watching my every move, his eyes lingering on my mouth. I held his gaze as he did mine.
“So now that we’ve got a few songs to get through, answer my question.” he said, shaking us both from our mini-trance.
I tossed the napkins down beside my plate. “Right, sorry, yes. I guess you could say that I’m local. Well, I am now. I have no plans to leave anytime soon, that’s for sure. I love it here. Okay, so I’ve lived here for about four-and-a-half years. I moved in with my Grams when I was almost nineteen and I’m almost twenty-three now, but my Grams has lived in St. Catharines for as long as I can remember, and I’ve been visiting her since I was a little kid, so I think I qualify as local.”
“I’d say yes, you definitely could call yourself a local. That was actually a part of the reason why your resume appealed to me. I saw that you had what we consider a local address, not typical student housing, but I have to admit Braun, I was totally shocked when you were not a dude.”
I laughed at that comment and told him just how often it happens. We ate and it was totally relaxed as we continued to look for songs and got to know each other.
I thought:
I just might have a little crush on my boss.
“So, do you have a boyfriend?” he queried around a bite of burger.
I know I blushed at the seriousness of his tone as he asked me, but rather than respond right away, my mind wandered to Shawn, and what the right response should be. “No, no boyfriend.” I felt my mood plummet. I didn’t want to feel like this with Levi. “No, with school and now work, I just never seem to have the time, you know?” I hoped my long pause didn’t make him suspicious. I’m not ready to share Emmerson with him just yet, if ever.
“How about you? Any lucky lady in your life?”
Please say no, please.
“Of course I do, Braun, look at all this.” He moved his hand from the top of his head to below the table. I nodded my head to show I’d heard him and tried to hide the disappointment creeping onto my face by hiding behind a bite of my huge burger.
“Yeah, you’ve already met her too, she’s a real fucking beauty.” With that statement, my stomach had dropped to my feet and I have to admit that I was kind of taken aback. Not only that he had a girlfriend, after what Sal said, but that I’d met her. Maybe it was one of the girls I’d only met in passing, but I hadn’t met too many girls yet. I was so confused.
All of a sudden the air seemed to change between us and I felt uncomfortable as he watched me. I wondered if he saw my disappointment.
“The pub, Scrappy.
That’s
my girl. Always has been.” He’d burst out laughing. “I had you, eh? No, no girlfriend. I prefer an easy arrangement and hope to find the right girl to make me change my mind someday, but for right now, I’m kind of all about my girl over there,” he said and pointed across the street.
Then we’d both sat back to enjoy getting to know each other. You know, if it had’ve been a date, I would have considered it the best first date I had ever had. Thinking about Levi like this—and how comfortable and easy it was—causes a terrible wave of guilt to wash over me.
What the hell am I doing thinking about Levi?
Immediately I reach inside the wooden night table to shake off my Levi thoughts and remember Shawn instead, by taking out the worn note that I’ve held sacred for the last four years. I keep it for Emme, I keep it for me—as a reminder, a memory invoker, a punishment, but, best of all, a connection. A connection that I miss so damn much. A connection I felt guilty for stepping away from for a while today…
Opening it up, my hands tremble as they always do.
Why do I have to go back to that day over and over? Why do I insist on punishing myself?
I’m like a cutter, it’s like I use Shawn’s letter as a way to feel. A way to torment and to punish myself, to let it slowly kill me from the inside.
Why the hell can’t I let the guilt go?
I’m so tired of torturing myself, exhausted from the guilt, the anger, and the fear. I just want to scream into the void:
How the fuck could you do this to me?! You ruined me!
I just want to share out loud how hurt I am; I’m cut, cut so fucking deep, but I can only bleed inside.
I can hardly stand to breathe some days, but I’m not a coward. I am a mother. And our daughter needs me…my daughter needs me. I have to be strong for Emmerson, so rather than allowing the cuts to remain open and to bleed out, letting all the pent up feelings escape, to seep out allowing me to deal with and to eventually heal, they pool inside and fester within, killing me quietly.
Will I ever get over it? Move forward?
But tonight I can’t seem to hold it in. What is happening to me? I clutch the note to my chest I try to control myself, but great big sobs escape along with my pain and anger. Glancing in Emme’s direction, I see she’s awake and looking at me. I begin to try to comfort her, but it’s my four-year-old daughter who comforts me.
“It’s o’tay, Mommy, I wove you.” And, as if it were possible, she scootches over even closer to my side, closes her eyes and gives me exactly what I need in that moment.
Her.
Finally calmer, I read over the lines one last time, focusing on certain now-familiar words:
the happiness cavalry
trust me to take care of you still…always
I’m with you
I love you
I’m sorry
Don’t blame yourself
It’s not very often that I can handle reading the whole note, but tonight I feel the need. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that need again, to see what Shawn wanted me to see.
I wonder if he’s proud of me?
Has he really been looking out for us all this time?
Could he be bringing the job, and Levi, into my life for a reason?
God, I need to make an appointment with Hillary. And soon.
These are the thoughts that plague my mind as I pull my daughter closer and finally drift off to sleep.
Levi
“W
ait ’til, you
see these chicks, man. I’m telling you, they rival the ones we picked up last weekend. Shit, I can’t believe I’m gonna be a repeat offender. Who would have thought I’d meet a girl at Tim Hortons of all places, eh?”
I’m fucked, truly fucked.
Sitting on my back deck I’m listening to my buddy Finn go on and on about some chick, Zoey, and her friend that we’re supposed to meet up with later tonight at Front 54. Or rather, trying to listen, ’cause he’s obviously into this one, but I can’t. All I can think about is
her
. Braunwyn.
“Are you fuckin’ listening to me, man? I’m like pretty much giving you my man card and you’re just sitting there zoned out. What the hell is on your mind? And if you tell me ‘Pub’, I’m going to kick your ass. You’re off tonight. Remember?”
Taking a long pull from my bottle of Canadian, I can’t get the would-be taste of her out my mouth, a taste I keep imagining over and over. That taste which I imagine would belong to her skin, one of honey infused with vanilla, like her scent. I keep tasting it and imagining it as hers, despite the crisp flavour of beer taking over my mouth (not to mention the fact that I haven’t actually tasted her).
Yet.
Jesus, I sound like a stalker, thank fuck none of the guys can hear me. Shit, we worked well together, really fucking well. She is most definitely a fast learner and that sass of hers just about had my cock standing at attention all day. I can’t stop thinking about her laugh as she teased me over lunch that she was surprised that I didn’t build an apartment on top of Pub Fiction, seeing as I obviously loved it so much.
I had never taken an employee out for lunch, especially during a training shift like that, but damn if I didn’t want some one-on-one time with her outside of the bar. I also failed to mention to Braunwyn that the coffee with Shelby was only because she was waiting on a tow truck, not because I wanted to get to know her. I wanted Braunwyn to relax and talk to me like would-be friends, not boss-to-employee talk. Luckily, I think it worked. She and I got along well—so well that I can’t seem to shake her off.
“Yeah, I’m here, dude. Sorry, I was just thinking about my new hire. I had to train her today. It’s been a long time. I was sitting here hoping I didn’t miss anything major, you know? Just running over the checklist in my mind.”
“Oh, yeah. She hot? Hey, better if you did forget shit, then you’ll have more opportunities to retrain her. Am I right?” he asks, raising his brows.
I laugh at what an idiot he can be. He’s right, though; I’d like to work with her close like that again, that’s for damn sure. “Yeah, she’s very fucking hot actually. Beautiful. Seems sweet too. But something’s off. Not sure what, but there’s something. She seems guarded, a bit reluctant to be herself.” I think back on the way she paused when I asked about her having a boyfriend, the look of sadness that seemed to cloud those gorgeous eyes of hers. A look I never want to be responsible for putting there again.
“Who cares about that shit? Not like you’ll stick around to find out, right? When you gonna tap that?”
“Nah, man, she ain’t like that. I can tell she’s…different.” Fuck, as soon as the words fall from my lips, I know I’m done for.
Clapping his hands together, Finn jiggles his knees up and down with excitement. “Whoo whoohoo. Well, well. I never thought I’d see the day. Levi Eddison is getting all serious about a girl. Ha, I love it. What next? You gonna follow in Ryk’s footsteps?” he teases.
“What the fuck you saying about me now, Finn?” Ryker interjects. “You’re just jealous, ya bastard.”
I laugh as Ryker, Matty and Phil walk into my backyard, a six-pack of Stella in each of their hands. I watch the exchange, silently thanking my little bro for the reprieve.
“Nothing bad, man. Just asking Levi if he’s gonna get with this new girl he can’t seem to stop thinking about. He’s been telling me how she’s ‘different’.” Finn says. The bastard even air quotes my words.
“Fuck this,” I mutter, heading to grab a few more chairs for the guys.
Ryker gives me a look before laughing, “Oh, hell, brother. This is how it starts, believe me, and you’re done for now, buddy. How long’s it been since you’ve been thinking about her constantly? If you say since you met then you might as well call mom and give her the good news,” the dick says, laughing at his mom jab while fist-bumping Finn.
“It’s not like that, dude. That’s not what I was saying, she’s just cool, is all. We’re friends.” I shrug.
For now.
“Just drop it, it’s not like she’s all I think about. This asshole’s exaggerating,” I thumb toward Finn.
“Huh, I see,” Ryker says, rubbing his chin as if contemplating a real problem. I can only imagine what the fucker’s gonna say next. “Well, answer this: you know the times where you catch yourself smiling? Do you then realize it’s ’cause you were thinking about her?”
I think about it, and the answer is a complete “fuck, yeah,” but like hell am I about to tell these assholes that. Instead, I pause, which is a big mistake around this crowd. “Yep, yep! Aha! Welcome to Club Goner, buddy.” Ryker extends his hand to shake mine and I swat it away.
“Piss off, will ya? I didn’t say shit, buddy. I didn’t think your big mouth was done talking yet, so I was waiting for your Forrest Gump ass to finish. The answer is ‘no’, for your information. Other than thinking about fucking her, I don’t stop and smile and hear music and birds and shit. I’m not you, pussyboy,” I deflect, hoping it’s convincing.
He nods. I hate to admit it even to myself, but yeah, I know exactly what feeling he’s talking about. But I’ll just keep that shit to myself until I figure this out, because the admission even to myself scares the piss outta me.
Ryker and I were never the type to bring girls home. My mom has never met anyone I’ve dated, not that I have ever had a steady girl, but my mom is totally off limits. Like my brother, only my future wife will ever have that privilege. If it weren’t for my mom, Pub Fiction would not be what it is today. Unlike my father, my mom is the absolute best, having believed in me enough to invest in my dream. We co-owned Pub Fiction until a year-and-a-half ago when she happily allowed me to buy her out.
“Sure, sure, man. I ain’t buying it. You’re in deep already. I can see it. Trust me, dude, I know. Been there done that!” Ryker chortles.
“Shut the fuck up, Ryk. I just wanna fuck her, nothing’s changed, man. I ain’t got time to spare for some steady chick in my life, so don’t be siccing mom on me. Or else I’ll tell Kat on you. Ya douche canoe.”
He raises his hands in surrender. “Yeah, yeah, we’ll see. I’ll tell you right now. I’m taking fucking bets on this shit right here. I’m gonna make me some money.” He high-fives the other guys in true asshole fashion.
“Oh, hell. I never thought I’d see the day,” quips Matty. “Could it be, both the Eddison boys are becoming men?” He laughs and I can’t stop chuckling at his feigned shock in spite of myself.
“Sit the fuck down, Matty, before I hurt you,” I add, before tossing him a cold one from the cooler.
There’s no way I’m comparable to Ryker. He’s just trying to win back the man card that he was forced to surrender pretty much the minute the stupid lug laid eyes on Kat Rollins. Sure, Braunwyn intrigues me, but the last thing I have time for is a complication like a steady girl in my life. Like I told her at the diner: Pub Fiction is my girl.
Now if I could only convince my dick and my brain that were true.
Braunwyn
I
t’s official.
I’m a full-fledged staff member at Pub Fiction. I’ve just survived the last week of my probationary shifts and lived to tell about it. I might smell like stale beer and feel like a hot mess after tonight’s shift—plus being tired beyond belief from trying to finish my school assignments and juggle Emme—but I still manage to give a little fist pump, because after weeks of training, I did it.
Tonight I held my own working the VIP section, and it felt amazing. Levi and Luke had me shadow the girls on a few extra shifts because of my lack of experience, but also because I wanted to make sure that I was comfortable with everything I had learned over the last three weeks. The last thing I wanted to do was mess up, so I was grateful for the extra time, especially because it took a while for me to figure out the Point of Sale System as well as a few other bits and pieces, like holding down the bar and learning to work the alarm system on the nights I may have to close. Luckily, everyone’s been helpful and willing to support me along the way.