“You’re right. We were both eighteen and legally considered as adults by the time we found out we were going to be parents, so our parents didn’t have any say over our decision to keep the baby.”
“What about his family? Did they support you?”
“No, Shawn’s family wasn’t any better. They share the same beliefs as my parents, so we were screwed from the start. They wouldn’t stop putting pressure on him to make us put the baby up for adoption, either. But there was no way he would consider that. Eventually, Shawn just lost it and refused to speak to his parents until they agreed to respect our decisions as adults. A respect that they never had a chance to give.”
“I couldn’t imagine you without Emmerson, Scrappy. You’re an amazing mom to an incredible little girl. Assholes,” he mutters as he leans down kissing my head before pouring us a bit more whisky. Shaking his head, he just stares at me for a minute before going on. “Fuck, that’s a lot for two teenagers to bear. I’m in awe of you, Braun. You’re inspiring, given the circumstances, sticking with your decision, and doing what you felt was right.”
“Thanks. Yeah, me either. I could never have given her up. We knew it was going to be a struggle, but luckily Shawn had been working and had managed to save some money, enough to cover a few months of rent. I applied for government assistance, as well as qualifying for a housing subsidy. I was still in high school, so getting a full-time job wasn’t possible. Besides, most places in Mount Forest wouldn’t hire me for the sheer fact of who I was. My family had a lot of connections with my father being the pastor. My grandmother tried to give me money, which I couldn’t accept. I’d made my decision and wanted to prove to not only myself but to my family I could do this on my own. I knew I always had my Grams if I needed, and as you know, it turned out that I totally needed her. In the end, Grams’ offer to help me caused a major rift between my mom and Grams, as well. It’s another thing I feel guilty about now, but deep down, I know Grams was shocked at how her own daughter was treating her child.”
“I think I just might have fallen in love with your Grams now too, Braun. Hell, you Daniels girls are something, eh?”
We spend the next while talking and I feel better by the end. It feels cathartic to tell Levi everything, like sharing this part of me with him has bonded us in some impenetrable way.
As Levi turns on Netflix and we scroll aimlessly through the menu, browsing for a movie we can agree on, Levi tells me about his mom and asks if I’d like to meet her.
“I’ll tell you right now, my mom is the best, and she’s gonna love you and Emme. I’ve actually been telling her all about you guys, so she’s been on me to get us all together. She asked if she could come down for the day next weekend and spend the day getting to know you, Emme, and your grandma.”
“I’d really love that, Levi. We’d be honoured to meet her. I know she’s important to you and Ryker. At bowling, Kat told me how you guys are about your mom, and what big mama’s boys you two are,” I tease poking him in the chest. It’s nice to go back to normal.
“Mama’s boy, eh? I’ll have you know, young lady, my mom is the shit, and she will put you in your place. She’ll tell you to be nice to her boy,” he says as he reaches over to tickle me.
“Ha! See? Only a mama’s boy would say that,” I laugh, dodging his tickling hands. “Okay, okay. I give up! You’re all man!”
“You know it, Scrappy. And one day I’m going to show you just how true that statement is.”
“I can’t wait. As for your mom, just let us know when. You do realize Grams will want to cook, though, right?”
“No, way. I’m taking us all out. Grams needs a night off too.”
“I think you’re gonna have a fight on your hands with that one, buddy. Grams is going to want to arm wrestle you over this for sure.”
“Huh. Guess I better eat my Wheaties, ’cause there is no way she’s winning.” Levi smirks as he pulls in close for a kiss.
I smile, enjoying the way he makes me feel, like we didn’t just have a crazy soul-baring conversation. We sit in contentedness for a few minutes before I break the silence again.
“Can I tell you something else?”
“Always. Anything, baby.” He squeezes me close.
“I feel like I’m finally being given a chance for a different life. I never thought anything positive could come out of losing Shawn, but after struggling through the loss, pain, guilt, and the four-year pause I put on my life, I feel as if I’ve found myself again. And the woman I’ve become is stronger, wiser, and way more realistic than the girl I was the day Shawn made his terrible choice. I feel guilty even thinking this, but when I’m with you I feel like I ended up in a really good place, in a life I never expected to have after losing him. He’s no longer suffering—I like to think anyway—and I’ve worked hard to get over the worst of my loss. I just needed your help to accept that it’s all right to live again, to have fun, to be happy.
Thank you for allowing me to finally see
. God, you make me happy, Levi.”
I stretch up, brushing my lips over his in the softest of kisses.
“I’m finally learning to love and trust myself, and I think I’m a better person for it; a better mother. I think I’m finally ready to truly love someone with my whole battered and bruised, but strong, heart. I’m finally ready to be loved again, to let love back in. To let you in, Levi. Does that sound bad? Make me a terrible person?”
“Are you kidding me? Jesus, no, baby. You’re a warrior. I’m in awe of you. You’re such a fighter, so fucking resilient. Braun, it’s time to let it go, it’s time you see that you deserve to be loved, cherished, and to be taken care of for a change,” he says, running his thumbs along my jaw He brings our faces closer and rests his forehead against mine, as if somehow trying to will me into believing his words. And for once, I actually do, without argument. I believe Levi. It’s time to let go.
“He wanted this for you, Braunwyn. Shawn wanted you to be happy. It’s there in print,” he says, pointing to the letter. “It’s okay to let go. I’m here to catch you now.”
Levi
I
fold up
Shawn’s note carefully along its worn crease lines, and put in back inside the envelope.
Sitting in silence, I give myself time to collect my thoughts about what Braun just shared with me. Running my hands over my face, I watch her. She’s over at the mantle looking at the pictures, taking in all of my happy moments.
I wonder how many happy moments my girl’s had over the last four years? The thought pisses me off; I already know the obvious answer; something I vow to change going forward.
I’ll give you all kinds of memories, baby. You, Scooby and me. Starting now.
I’m trying to be good. I’m trying not to scream out loud and destroy everything in sight. I’m feeling a fucked-up concoction of emotions that I need to sort through before I even try to speak to Braunwyn.
How?
How can Braun endure what she has, and still be the fantastic person I know? How does she find the strength, courage, and ability, to still be so driven as a mom, student, employee, and girlfriend? She has every right to curl up in a ball and hide, yet here she is, worried about me. About us. Incredible.
My chest swells with pride thinking about the woman she is today. How she managed to get to this place cannot have been easy. I want to rip apart the world that could allow this to happen to her, and rebuild for her and Emme the things they deserve—that they need—and protect them from everything else.
Again: how?
How could someone do that to her—and to the unborn child who’s grown into the heart-stealing phenom that I know Scooby to be? It’s irrational to ask how, I know, because mental illness is just that, and it’s an illness that people can’t always control. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t wonder about it, or be angry about it.
I’m trying to figure out how to properly articulate the wild thoughts and feelings raging war in my head.
And those parents of hers…fuck me. I just want to yell.
Finally, I pull her down to me and we talk, we listen, and we console each other. I hold her close, rubbing her back as she sobs into my neck and shoulder.
“I think you’re finally listening to what Shawn wanted for you and Scooby all along. From what I gather, he wanted this for you. He wanted you to have a ‘me’, after him. He didn’t want you to be alone, not living your life.” I kiss her softly, moving toward her ear, allowing me to whisper the next bit, “I guess it just took a friendship with one lucky son-of-a-bitch like me to make you get it, eh?” I smile trying to lighten the mood for both of us.
“Yeah, I guess,” she laughs back, through her tears. “Maybe a bit. But I’m thinking it was more the weekly counselling sessions with Hillary, my therapist. She’s helped me come a long way. I mean, the guilt is still there,” she shrugs. “I’m sure it always will be, but not in the same capacity. I just I feel like I should have done more. You know, paid more attention, looked for signs, encouraged him to stay on his medication? But deep down I know it wasn’t my fault; I was young, and I was in over my head,” she says, wiping her tears with a Kleenex.
“Sounds like Hillary is good peeps. Glad you have her, baby. And I’m happy that I can help now too, if you ever need. Now that I know what happened.” I kiss her nose, meaning every word.
“Thank you, Levi. Talking is an important part of healing; you gotta let all that shit out. I learned that—
again
—tonight.” She pauses, smiling, before going on, “The ‘counselling’ sessions with Grams and London and the wine, Kleenex and romcoms—topped off with ice cream and a quiz or two from the latest Cosmo—have helped too. I mean, those ladies aren’t professional like Hillary, or nearly as hot and sexy as you, but they are definitely more fun. Whereas you’re just kinda
bossy
.”
She grins and brings her body on top of mine again, and we sit in comfortable silence before she moves even closer.
“I owe you, Levi,” she says, and kisses me tenderly, whispering the quietest: “
Thank you, for bringing me back
” over my lips, so quietly I’m not sure I heard it.
“Always, Scrappy. Always,” I whisper back, running my fingers over wisps of her hair and taking in her beauty, hoping she sees I mean my words.
We sit snuggled on the couch for a while longer chatting about everything from Shawn to Grams, work, school and Scooby. I feel a sense of calm wash over me, over us. Knowing that there aren’t any more walls keeping Braunwyn and I from moving forward in our relationship leaves me with a feeling of elation. Sure, there are still a ton of the usual type of hurdles to overcome, but as long as we work to take them on them together, I have no doubt that we’re gonna fucking make it.
I’m in love with this girl, and I’ll be dammed if I’m not going to bring her back to herself, to happiness and to life. I vow to always help her remember but I won’t ever let her fall back into the past completely. I vow to make sure she keeps moving forward.
“Wow, I can’t believe how late it is; we talked a long time. I’m drained,” Braun sighs as she rests her head back on the couch cushions.
“I’ll take you home now, sweetheart. I don’t want to, but I know you’ve got Emme and Grams is probably up waiting to hear how things went.” I tuck her hair behind her ears.
The last thing I want to do is take her home.
“Or you could just take me to bed, Levi. I’m staying,” she says, her eyes casting downward before she adds: “If you’ll have me.”
Our eyes met and I see an uncertainty still lingering within her, and it pisses me off, knowing that any part of her thinks I’d ever reject her.
“Baby, I’d like nothing better. I’d love to hold you all night.” I kiss her.
“No, Levi. I want more. I want to feel you.
Us
. I need you.”
“Braunwyn, we can wait. Let me just hold you tonight, baby. We have all the time in the world,” I say because I’m a fucking idiot. But the last thing I want is for Braun to wake up in the morning with any regrets.
“No. You don’t get it. I’m okay, Levi. I’m ready to be with you,” she says, as if reading my mind. “
This
. This was what was holding me back. Me telling you. I was more afraid of you thinking that I’d made some poor choices, that I might be unstable from having survived Shawn, or damaged from raising Emmerson the way I’ve had to. Maybe you’d think I wasn’t worth the extra time or effort. But you’ve been nothing short of incredible. You’re amazing. You are my very own knight in shining armour, and I’m ready for us to fall into each other. My conscience is clear, and now I know for certain that it’s time to take my life back,” she pauses, “starting now.”
“Fuck, Braun, I might sound like a pussy, but I’m so glad you’re choosing me. I want be the one to take care of you. I want you and Emme to be mine.”
Sitting up, she looks me square in the eye before she grabs the hem of her blue knit sweater and lifts it over her head to reveal her soft curves. Her tits bounce as she tosses her shirt aside, leaving her in the sexiest violet bra, its lace barely concealing her pink nipples. I groan because I’ve been imagining a similar scene unraveling ever since the first time her sweet ass sat on this very couch.
“Levi,” she says, and stands up directly in front of me now. Like a magnet moving toward its target, I lean forward, and rest my face against her taut stomach.
I smile before looking up at her. My gaze must still reflect some uncertainty at what she wants to happen, at whether it’s right for me to take her tonight. But as soon as our eyes meet, any apprehension vanishes, and behind hers I no longer see fear, or hurt. I see a clarity that wasn’t there before, clarity and certainty.
And I know she means it. She’s ready.
“Levi,” she whispers, “please take me. Make me yours.
With her last plea, my resolve is shot. I pick her up, and she immediately wraps those long sexy legs around me, and I carry her down the hall to my room while kissing the ever-lovin’ fuck out of her.
Braunwyn
“F
uck, I love
it when you squeeze me with those legs, Braun. Your sexy ass in my hands, the feeling of your pussy grinding down on me,” Levi tells me with a huskiness that I feel to my core.