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Family Time

My mother stood near one of the exhibits holding Ashley by the hand. She must have been no older than eight years old. Her eyes were so bright with excitement as she pointing at the apes in the cage. My mother however, looked upset. Her eyes searched around the room until they focused on something. I followed them to find my younger self leaning against the wall near the exit.

I remembered the day. My mother had taken my sister and me to the zoo. I was upset and spent the trip wandering off by myself mainly to anger her. The look on her face as she walked over toward my younger self reminded me that I had succeeded.

“
Timothy, I will not tell you again to stay next to me and your sister!” She scoffed.

I knew how upset she was but I did not care. Watching the other families taking pictures having a good time just angered me further. I hated them for being happy. My mother grabbed my arm tightly, she snapped me out of that state.

“
Don’t you ignore me! What is wrong with you?”

I pulled my arm away which angered her even more. She knew what was wrong.

“
If I have to be here why couldn’t Jonathan come?” I asked.

I knew the answer. It was less than a year ago that I stopped going to church. I was vague about the reasons why to my mother and father, but they spoke with Miss. Grant and were told the whole story. While they never outright said it they looked upon Jonathan a bit differently after that. They believed he caused me to leave, but his name could have been replaced with anyone and the result would have been the same. After that, whenever they did not want Jonathan to come with us she would use the same excuse.

“
I’ve already told you, this is our family time. You should not feel you have to be here, you should want to be with your family.”

“
Family time…? Then where is dad? Shouldn’t he want to be here too? Oh that’s right, he’s working again like always.”

One of the reasons unchecked emotions are dangerous is that when they reach a boiling point you will lash out at whoever is closest at the moment even if they are not involved. It is true that my mother went along with not allowing Jonathan to accompany us, but she did truly believe in spending quality family time with us. I was angry at my father because I did not fully understand what his sacrifice meant. In the end however, I wished his ambition was truly for himself and not because he felt obligated to improve. A reversal from actions based on emotions to understanding of actions based on rational thought.

“
Daddy’s on his way!” Ashley said in almost a cheer.

I had almost forgotten about Ashley. The innocence in her eyes, her unwavering love, her ignorance, it was just as upsetting as those smiling families.

“
No Ashley he isn’t, just like he wasn’t at your recital last Friday or your play two weeks ago.”

My anger and hate were unreasonable. I was old enough to understand what it took to raise a family and yet I acted in such a manner. To want to shatter the world Ashley was in just to see her upset was sick. In time, she would understand, but it was not necessary to reveal the way things really are to her at such a young age.

“
That’s enough, Timothy! Your father is working hard every day so that we can have a better life. This isn’t just about you Timothy. A father has to think of his family as a whole before anything or anyone else. You’ll understand that when you are older.”

I was stunned for a moment seeing how upset my mother was. It was not just because of what I said to Ashley and it was not because I was one hundred percent off base. I had overheard my mother and father fighting a few weeks earlier. My mother asked if there was any way my father could be off for their anniversary but he was scheduled to be out of town. For a moment during that fight she sounded as I did. It was unfair and she was upset but there was nothing that could be done to change things and she had to learn to accept that. I think at that moment I understood that I had to learn to accept things as well.

“
I understand that he hasn’t been thinking about us for a long time. I’ll never be like that, never!”

She did not see my tears as I ran out the door. I was lying and even then I knew it. There were things in life that had to be done and either the ones you are with understand that or they do not. Either way it will not change what has to be done.

A Painful Image

The images faded and I was returned to the darkness. I walked forward; it was so dark I wondered if I would be able to find my way back to the door. A crackling beneath my feet startled me. I jumped then realized I had stepped on something, broken it. I reached down and felt two objects on the floor. I picked up a cell phone, now broken and a digital camera.

I aimed the camera in front of me and pressed down on its silver button. A bright flash briefly illuminated the room. I fiddled with the switches on the camera and a bright light shined from the flash bulb. I scanned the light across the room and saw there were more phones, purses, cameras and other items on the ground. I lifted the light up to the exhibits and just stared blankly at the empty cages.

There was no more doubt. I felt sick and exited the primate house. Back outside the smell of smoke and fire only made it worse. I felt myself panicking, fear slowing taking me over. I used anger to fight it back. I tried to convince myself that the fact that animals were also taken that all this must be in my mind, that it was not real.

Something made me look at the camera. I searched through the stored pictures and discovered the camera belonged to a family. They looked a lot like my family. There were pictures of them together as recent as that day according to the date stamp. The last picture was taken at one eleven. Someone else must have taken it. The family stood in front of one of the ape exhibits. They were smiling, an ape stood right behind them as if posing.

I felt rage building up inside me. I was upset because they were happy. I wanted them to be in pain just as I was. I threw the camera against the building wall it shattered into pieces. I staggered back to my motorcycle; the feeling of sickness was getting worse. I fell onto my hands and knees before the zoo’s entrance, my body refused to move any further. This feeling was different than anything I had felt before. I was not losing consciousness or fading into a memory. This was purely physical.

Preparations

Aunt Jackie taught me many things about dreams and nightmares. However, there was one thing she did not tell me, that you bring your weakened physical state with you into the dream world. At the peak of my ability to control and escape my nightmare I was stricken with an infection. Being bedridden barely able to move was painful enough to deal with during the day, but it was even worse at night, in my dreams.

It is simple really. If your body is weak but not fully debilitated your mind is busy trying to correct whatever is wrong with you physically. Because of this any abilities you may have had in the dream world are weakened or lost altogether. As nightmares go that week was the worse I had experienced, until now.

I knew what was wrong with me. I grabbed hold of the handles of my motorcycle and pulled myself up and onto it. I stared the bike and a smile almost came to my face. With all that has happened and the impossibility of it all my issue right then was basic. I was hungry. That afternoon I missed breakfast and had not eaten since. Considering the heat of the fire and the numerous falls I have had it was no surprise my body was ready to give in.

I made my way down Clark Street; the fire was still spreading from Wells Street out and across the neighborhood. I considered going to Christine’s home to see if it was still there, but something inside of me wanted it to burn so that I could forget about it and move on. I pulled in front of the Walgreen’s drug store; I did not even realize why I had come there. There were many other places I could have gone to in order to find food but I chose there. I walked to the front of the store; I was surprised to find the lights were on as if waiting for me.

As I walked through the empty store, it did not seem out of place, working there for almost a year I was use to coming in before they opened to stock the shelves and perform other duties. Even though it was September the air conditioner was on which made the whole store as cool as its freezer cases. There were people here. The store is open twenty-four hours, there were various items on the floor, but by then I was used to seeing that.

I went aisle to aisle deciding the best thing to do was gather supplies that I may need during my search. While the thought of being in that world was terrible, wishing it away or being ill prepared would just be stupid on my part. If I could feel pain and require food and water then I could also suffer the effect of neglect. There was also the chance that I may need to stay in one place for a long time and if so I needed to have basic survival items.

A sturdy backpack was the first item. Making sure the safety on the M911 was on I placed it in the small pouch in the front of the backpack. Items such as batteries, a flashlight and rope were the next items in. Making a mental list and finding most of the items in the store helped me put things in perspective. I finished my shopping and grabbed a handful of beef jerky. I sat on one of the checkout counters near the front of the store.

Across from me was another checkout counter. When I worked there, I would sometimes be stationed at one of the checkout lanes. While I hated dealing with people I was good at it. Whenever someone would become irrational, I would just breakdown their argument until they understood my point or stormed out. Either way I would be rid of them.

Strangely enough it was Jonathan who got me the job at Walgreens. Not long after we started college Jonathan and I began talking again. I had grown during the summer while searching for what college I wanted to attend. I had the grades and my family had the money to send me almost anywhere, but the more time I spent thinking about the road I was heading down the less I wanted to traverse it.

Seeing other people fret over what college they were going to and what contacts they were going to make made me realize I was foolish for acting that way in high school. Moreover, while I understood my father’s sacrifice I did not want to become like him. My future was to be for me alone. If someone wished to travel with me then they would have to carry their own weight and keep up or be left behind.

Not a popular attitude to be sure, especially, when trying to date. I had no time for women whose goals hinged on mine. I was honest with my opinions and feelings and I learned as I suspected that most women just could not deal with the truth and I could not deal with a lie. The end result was me working for me and only me, that, and walking alone.

Jonathan understood, but he was now a bit more goal-oriented. He had fewer choices for college, but got into DePaul as I did. We met in the cafeteria one day and just talked things out. He was reasonable and we were able to put the past in the past. After shaking hands and walking away there was an uneasy feeling inside of me. I just felt that our friendship was doomed to fail and I felt that once again it would be me who brought fourth that failure.

An Emotional Mistake

Staring across at the empty checkout counter I wanted to remember. This was when I made an emotional mistake. The store was pretty empty. Jonathan was hunched over his counter looking pissed off. I was bored standing behind the counter waiting for a customer. That was until I saw Christine near the photo lab searching through a bin of barging DVD’s.

Jonathan met Christine during orientation. They claimed they were only friends and for the most part acted like it. There were times however, that Jonathan looked like he wanted to be more than friends. Honestly, I was tiring of watching it. With Jonathan upset I started out by trying to cheer him up and at the same time bring this dance between him and Christine to an end.

“
Hey, Jonathan, Christine’s here. You finally going to ask her out?”

When Jonathan was upset he would sometimes lock himself inside his mind to come up with a solution. Sometimes I believe he did it just to lock other people out. I must have broken him out of himself. He looked up at me like I woke him for a deep sleep.

“
Such bullshit…!” Jonathan yelled just a bit too loud for my comfort.

“
What? I was just asking?”

Jonathan must have realized his response was a bit too loud. He leaned over the counter quickly looking around to make sure nobody heard him.

“
It’s not that. I’m talking about my promotion and my raise.”

“
I figured it was something like that. So that’s where you were. What did she say?”

It was weird seeing Jonathan care about something as unimportant as a raise at a convenience store. This was the same person who would lecture me about being who I am. The truth was time changes everything. Yet another reason our friendship was doomed to fail.