One (21 page)

“
I’m not like that anymore.” Ana said.

She stretched her hand across the table and laid it on top of mine. Her warmth traveled through my body. I looked down at her hand thinking about my feelings and Christine’s face appeared in my mind. As I glanced back at Ana’s face, I understood that she could see my thoughts and feel my body heat rise. To think about Christine at a moment like this was expected. If this was real then Christine was no more, if this is all a dream then there has been no transgression.

“
Whoever she was she's gone, Timothy. It's just us now and if you want together we can find the answers about your family. I just don't want to be alone tonight.”

Ana stood from the table and extended her hand to me. I hesitated but soon took her hand in mine as she guided me out of the restaurant and down the hallway toward the elevator. Everything I thought I was after I had yet to achieve. Instead I found someone, a person I was coming to care for rather quickly. And she could be the answer to what I did not realize I was seeking.

The elevator came to a stop and opened to the floor of the presidential suite. Ana smiled still holding my hand as she walked up to the door, opened it and stepped inside. More lavish decorations, but it did not bother me. My mind was on Ana and the step I was about the take. Ana led me into the bedroom; the bed was covered in fresh roses, diamonds and thousands in cash. She released my hands and fell backwards onto the bed.

“
When did you do all of this?” I asked with curiosity. Ana, I don’t think…”

She sat up and grabbed my hand pulling me to the foot of the bed. Ana bent me down to her and kissed me on the lips. The taste of them cleared my thoughts even if just for a moment. Part of me wanted to give in and enjoy what I had found, but the underlying issue was that if this was part of the delusion then embracing it could mean I would never escape. There was also the possibility that I was just scared to admit that I wanted her and that I would give up everything else if I could.

“
Don’t think…just…” Ana whispered.

The physical or the mental, I had made my choice. My body needed release and my mind needed silence. She guided my hand to her breast and for the first time in a long time I was excited. A passion I believed had died was resurrected and took control of my actions. There were no thoughts of my family or friends. Christine was a memory of a life that I lived long ago. Ana gave me her body and in return, I was able to give her my mind.

Purgatory

Why do some people die in their sleep? Is it that the body has failed and the mind has taken over? Dealing with months on end of horrible nightmares the idea of having one’s body surrender to the mind is a terrifying thought. However, when the nightmares stopped they were briefly replaced by dreams of pure pleasure. Could it be that when one is near death the mind will soothe the soul preparing it for the afterlife with heavenly dreams? If it were possible I believe many would surrender themselves to a dream if nothing else than to avoid the nightmare which is their waking world. Would they die in their sleep if they decided to stay?

Laying in the dark staring at the hotel’s balcony reminded me of home. Feeling the warmth of Ana’s naked body reminded me of Christine. These thoughts were not what unsettled me. Christine use to tell me that at times I could show an emotional side that was stronger than she had ever seen before. She loved it and hated it at the same time. She said that in the flash of an instant I would pull her over to me wrap my arms around her and profess my love. Then soon afterward it would fade and my distant off-putting stare, as she put it, would return.

It was as if something deep inside let go for a moment then realized it had made a terrible mistake and retook control, she would say. I could not deny it, that moment lying in that bed next to a woman that knew nothing about me, that part of me retook control. My problem was not with her, it was with me and the fact that I was ready to accept this world and give up my search for answer. I was ready to abandon reason and the unanswered questions before me for an emotion that I did not understand.

Ana noticed me staring off into the dark. She ran her hand down my back; the lack of response on my part was immediately noticed.

“
Timothy… are you… do you regret what happened?”

I sat up with my back to her. It should have been easy to tell her everything, there was no one else. There had to be more to this, more than just a woman who shares a brief moment in my history. I forced myself around and looked at her; the look of concern on her face was genuine. I had to tell her something, something real and yet…

“
No. Ana. It's not that. Well, maybe it is, but not the way you think. At dinner I did shy away from you when you touched me because of Christine. I loved her and at first it felt as if I was cheating on her. I told myself I would embrace logic and not get caught up in my feelings, but that isn't possible is it? I put my feelings for Christine away to embrace my feelings for you.”

“
But she's gone, Timothy. And she isn't coming back.”

I could not tell if at that moment she was trying to convince herself or me. There was much more here. More than she had told me, more than even she knew. Looking into her eyes I knew I had to get back to my search and the first place to look was within her.

“
That's just it. To be with you I have to accept that all this is real, that there is no ending where I am reunited with everyone I love. As much as I care for you it is still devastating to think about that. It seems like it's easy for you to do that. Maybe that's because you truly didn't like your life. Maybe you never felt loved there. If that is so then I'm sorry, but I did like my life and I had those who loved me and as much as I hate it I can feel that inside me and it hurts to know I will never see them again.”

My words were working even though many of them were lies. The key was her love, for life, for family and for someone special. A look of sadness came over Ana’s face. She turned over on her back and looked up to the ceiling. I knew that look well. She was deciding if she would tell me everything.

“
It's not easy for me, Tim, believe me. I cried for hours once I realized this wasn't a dream and that everyone I knew was gone. My life wasn't a happy one. It is even worse than I've told you. That doesn't mean that there weren’t people I loved. After I cried I felt better, I don't know if I was crying because of the life I lost or the life I had. What I do know is it felt like I could say goodbye to it and move on. That doesn't mean the feelings don't remain. It's just that one needs to go on, to deal with it, to adapt.”

She opened the door for me and in an instant just as Christine talked about, my emotions returned, but it was not love. An excitement of achievement, all I needed to do was continue pushing forward. Give her what she would need to tell me the truth.

“
That's what I've been trying to do, Ana, but there's more than what I knew, there's also what I didn't know. No matter what we do here, no matter how much I try I can't stop thinking about them. Maybe I am losing my mind, but I just won't be able to rest until…”

“…
until you have your answers.” Ana said.

It was an understanding. There was something between Ana and I, but nothing would proceed until there was clarity. She knew that I could not rest until those questions were answered and if she ever hoped to find happiness with me then she would need to tell me everything.

“
Yes… Ana… I need to… I need answers.”

She sat up next to me and stared forward toward the balcony into the darkness. I just sat there looking at her, my mind cleared, I was ready to listen.

“
I'm sorry, Tim. You told me about your family, what you are going through. I haven't told you the truth about everything. You wanted to know why I am here... I lied to you about waking up alone after partying. The truth is I was at my father's house. I moved out of there a few years back, but… the day you saw me crying, it was because of my mother.

She was raped; I was the product of that rape. Shortly after I was born my mother killed herself. My father had the power to keep it out of the papers so no one knew except him. From the outside you would think he was a normal father. Well, as normal as someone with his wealth and power could be. I was always told by countless nannies that my father loved me very much and that he was busy. That's why he didn't have time for me.”

Tears began streaming down her face. I was hearing what I wanted, what I needed to know and with every word it was changing me once again. Her, sadness, her pain, I could feel every bit of it.

“
I didn't believe their words. Even a child can tell how a parent feels when they look in their eyes. I never remember him holding me or telling me he loved me. Maybe I was stupid to expect that. How could I expect him to look at me, to love me? I did not bring joy into his life, I brought sorrow. I found out all this right before high school. Before then I didn't understand why my father was away so much so I acted out. Finally he confronted me and I let him have it. I told him he sucked as a father and that I hated him. He told me what happened to my mother and that he would have had me aborted, but my mother forbade it, after hearing that I just lost it. I tried to kill myself just as my mother did, but one of the maids found me. I spent the next year in Lake View.”

“
Lake View…?”

And just like that another connection, this one to a place that may or may not have been part of my history. Suddenly the possibility that both of us were trapped in a shared hallucination became probable. Just as you can bring an injury or sickness of the body into your dreams, you can also bring in sickness of the mind. The scar on my forehead, the pain in my stomach, these are shared, taken from the waking world. If this was true then I could learn what has trapped her here, free her, and perhaps free myself as well.

“
When I was released I didn't want to kill myself any longer, but I didn't want to live either. I entered high school and spent most of my time going from boyfriend to boyfriend. They knew who I was, all they wanted was my money or my body or both, and I let them have it. I guess I mistook sex for love.”

She turned back to me and looked into my eyes. I do not know what she saw but she quickly turned away looking back into the darkness. She was searching for love, surrounded by people who knew her name but not who she was. I embraced my mind to find my place in this world and I ended up alone. Ana embraced her heart or what she thought was in her heart and in the end the result was the same.

“
I didn't expect to find anyone who would really love me. How would I even know true love? I was content with going from man to man until my twenty-first birthday. I wanted nothing to do with it, but my father insisted I stayed in the main room so I could be seen. He paraded client after client in front of me. All he cared about was keeping up appearances. He did not care how I felt just that I pretended to be the happy daughter so he could maintain his image.

Hundreds of people came by wishing my happiness, but none of them knew me. Their feelings were a lie, their words hollow. I know they could see how I felt beneath my rehearsed smile, but they didn't care. It was important to put on a good face no matter what. After hours of that I couldn't take it anymore. My father still would not allow me to leave so I stepped outside onto the balcony. It was so cold that night. A man approached me offering me his coat for warmth. I thought it was one of dad’s employees looking to score points. I was as cold to him as the night air, but I guess he knew why. He did indeed work for my father, but not in any of his firms. He painted many of the rooms in our home. In fact I had seen him many times. I guess I was no better than anyone else.

I didn't pay attention to the people who worked in the house. He noticed me though. I don't why, but the way he spoke to me made me feel safe, comfortable. We spent hours on that balcony talking. Soon we were dating. He was just finishing college and was planning to move to Florida to start a business. When he graduated he quit working for my father and was preparing to leave. I didn't want him to go or maybe I just wanted to go with him. I didn't know what I was going to do.”

Though our lives unraveled differently and she had a different path and view than I, there was so much we shared. The falseness people portray to keep their status or advance it, the meaningless pleasantries spoken from the mouths of liars. She however, found someone who she felt comfortable with. At one time Christine was that person for me, but now…

“
A week ago he asked me to marry him. He had gone to my father to ask for my hand. He told me my father didn't care who I married and told him to do whatever he wanted to. I didn't care how my father felt. All I knew was that I had found love and I was never going to let it go. I knew my father would cut all ties with me once I left Chicago and I wanted to celebrate before we left. I maxed out all the credit cards my father had given me and we said our good-byes to this town and hello to our future. It was about two AM when we decided to go back to his place. We were both hammered and he wanted to call a cab. We had driven the Mercedes-Benz my father had given me on my twenty-first birthday and I didn't want to leave it where we were.”

As she continued I could feel as if I had heard her story before. There was a pain deep inside my stomach. It felt the same way when the doctors told my mother and me that my father would never wake up. Ana’s tears brought me to the brink. Our connection was deeper than I realized; if this was a shared hallucination then perhaps before we fell into it we were together.