One Special Christmas & Home for the Holidays (21 page)

“Are you all right?” he asked.

Her flush deepened. “Yes, of course. A little warm from all that cookie baking, though. Anna, I think I'll take a walk. I love this crisp weather, and I feel a touch of snow in the air. I won't be gone long,” she promised, opening the hall closet to retrieve her coat.

“Kate, dear, do you think you should?” Anna asked worriedly. “It's getting dark.”

“I'll be fine. A little fresh air will do me good.”

Anna turned to Eric with a frown. “I'm not crazy about her walking alone, even if it is Christmas Eve.”

“Please don't worry, Anna. I won't be gone long. Just down to the park and back,” Kate reassured her as she pulled on her gloves.

Eric wasn't crazy about the idea, either. But Kate seemed determined to go. He frowned, waging an internal debate. Spending time alone with her was the last thing he wanted to do. The temptation to touch her, to feel her melt into his arms, was hard enough to resist when there were other people present. He wasn't sure his self-control would hold when it was just the two of them. Despite recent events and his subsequent resolve to end their relationship, he still loved her. He still wanted her to be his wife. And deep in his heart, he still wanted to believe they could work out the conflict between their personal life as a couple and his career. But his confidence had been badly shaken. He just couldn't find the courage to trust his heart—or his judgment. They had
betrayed him once. How could he be sure they wouldn't again?

“Eric, I really don't like this,” Anna prompted more forcefully.

His gaze swung from Kate to Anna's concerned face, then back to Kate. He didn't, either. It wasn't safe for Kate to be wandering around in the dark by herself. There was really no choice.

“Why don't I go with you?” he suggested. “If you don't mind the company.”

Did her smile seem relieved? Or was it just his imagination?

“I don't mind in the least. Thank you.” She picked up a tote bag, slung it over her shoulder and gazed expectantly at Eric.

He hesitated for a moment, then pulled open the door and stepped aside. “We won't be long, Mom,” he said as Kate moved past him, leaving a faint, pleasing fragrance in her wake.

“Don't hurry. We won't eat for at least an hour,” she assured them.

Kate waited while he shut the door, then fell into step beside him as they headed down the sidewalk. Dusk was just beginning to fall, and the lights from Christmas trees twinkled merrily in the windows. Few cars passed, leaving the peace and stillness of the evening largely undisturbed.

“I've always liked Christmas Eve,” Kate said softly. “I remember as a child it was filled with such a sense of wonder and hope and anticipation. As if great, exciting things were about to happen. Was it like that for you?”

Eric shoved his hands into the pockets of his overcoat. His breath made frosty clouds in the cold air, but
his heart was warm as he thought of Christmases past. “Yes, it was. Thanks to Mom and Dad. They made me feel that somehow anything was possible during this magical season. It's a shame we have to grow up and lose that belief in endless possibilities.”

They strolled for a few minutes in silence, and just as they reached the park a few large, feathery flakes began to drift down. The distant strains of “Silent Night” floated through the quiet air as carolers raised their voices in the familiar, beloved melody.

“My favorite Christmas song,” Kate murmured, her lips curving up sweetly. “Could we sit for a minute?” She nodded toward a park bench tucked between two fir trees bedecked with twinkling white lights.

Eric hesitated. He was already pushing his luck, going on this walk. He'd had to fight the impulse to reach over and take her hand every step of the way. Sitting on a park bench, where the shimmering lights were sure to add a luster to her ebony hair and bring out the sparkle in her eyes, was downright dangerous. “It's getting awfully dark, Kate,” he objected.

“Please, Eric? We don't have to stay long. But the song is so beautiful.”

There was no way he could refuse her when she looked at him like that, her eyes soft and hopeful, her face glowing. He drew a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Okay.”

Kate led the way to the bench and sat down, carefully setting the tote bag beside her. He joined her more slowly, keeping a modest distance between them. As they sat there quietly, listening to the distant, melodic voices, Eric stole a glance at Kate. She seemed oblivious to the snowflakes that clung to her hair like gossamer stars, giving her an ethereal beauty. Her gaze was fixed
on something in the distance, and he wondered what she was thinking.

Please, Lord, give me the courage to go through with this,
Kate prayed silently.
I've never been the bold type, but I think Amy's right. This may be the only way to convince Eric how much I care. Please, let me feel Your presence and help me to find the right words.

As the last strains of “Silent Night” faded away, her heart began to hammer painfully against her rib cage. So before her courage could waver, she clasped her hands tightly in her lap, took a deep breath and turned to him.

“Eric, I've been thinking a lot about what happened the night of the accident. And I think we need to talk about it,” she said as firmly as she could manage, considering her insides were quivering like the proverbial bowlful of jelly.

Startled, he jerked his gaze to hers. Confrontation wasn't her style, yet there was a touch of that in both her voice and the determined tilt of her chin. And she was right, of course. They did need to talk. But he didn't want to do it on Christmas Eve. “Kate, can't we put this on hold until after…”

“No.” Her tone was quiet but resolved. “My life has been on hold too long, Eric.” She reached into the tote bag at her feet, withdrew a flat, rectangular package and held it out to him. “Let's start with this.”

He stared at the gift wrapped in silver paper. “Kate, I…”

“Please, Eric. Unlike Amy, I'm not really good at this assertiveness thing, so just humor me, okay?”

The pleading tone in her voice, the strain around its edges, tugged at his heart, and without another word he took the package and tore off the wrapping. He angled
the counted-cross-stitch sampler toward the light from the bushes as he slowly read the words from Jeremiah that had been so carefully and elaborately stitched around a motif of the rising sun. “For I know well the plans I have in mind for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare not for woe! Plans to give you a future full of hope.”

“I started working on this when Jack was in the hospital,” Kate told him quietly, her gaze resting on the sampler. “I came across the passage one night when I was idly leafing through the Bible, and it seemed to speak directly to my soul. Because after the accident I felt that there must have been something I did—something wrong—to deserve such a tragedy and loss. Taking Jack away was the Lord's way of punishing me, I thought. So whenever I started to feel overwhelmed, I'd pull this out and work on it to remind me that the Lord was
for
me, not
against
me. And it also encouraged me to look to the future with faith and hope. It made me believe that things would get better, that tomorrow my life would again be filled with joy.”

Kate paused and transferred her gaze from the gift to his deep blue eyes. “When Jack died, I put the sampler away. I felt empty and hollow inside, and the words seemed to mock me rather than offer comfort. For a long time I lived in an emotional and spiritual vacuum. The guilt became all-consuming again, and I lost hope that the kind of love I shared with Jack, which had made my world so bright, would ever touch my life again. All I could see in my future was an endless string of dark days. And then you came along.”

She drew a steadying breath, willing her courage to hold fast. “Eric, the simple fact is that until I met you, my life was like this sampler—on hold and unfinished.
But you made me realize that it was time to tie up the loose threads and move on. So I did exactly that—literally and figuratively. Because when I took this out of storage, I took out my heart, as well. For the first time in five years, I let myself not only believe again in the endless possibilities of life, but I opened myself to them. I want you to have this because I think you've been held captive by the same demons that plagued me for years—guilt and hopelessness. And I think it's time for you to do what I did—put your past to rest so you can create a new future.”

She paused and reached into her bag again, this time withdrawing a smaller, square box, which she handed to him. She noticed that her hands were trembling, and clasped them tightly in her lap as Eric silently unwrapped the second package, then lifted the lid. Nestled on a bed of tissue lay a delicate, heart-shaped blown-glass Christmas-tree ornament with a loop of green satin ribbon at the top, anchored with sprigs of holly.

“Just as today we celebrate the birth of a baby who brought new life to the world two thousand years ago, I'd like us to celebrate our own rebirth of hope and faith that this day symbolizes,” Kate said softly. “When Jack died, I never thought I'd love again. But the Lord seemed to have other ideas when he sent you my way. Because how could I help but fall in love with your tenderness and caring and sense of humor and those deep blue eyes and all of the thousands of things that make you so very special and unique? I love you, Eric Carlson, and I can't imagine my future without you in it. So I give you this ornament as a sign of what you've already claimed—my heart. And I would be very honored if…if you would marry me.”

Eric stared at her, speechless, then looked down at
the shiny red ornament cradled in his hands. It was so fragile and so easily broken—just like her heart. Dear God, had she really offered to entrust it to his care? Or was he caught up in some sort of Christmas Eve fantasy? His confused gaze moved to her hands, clasped tightly in her lap, and he could sense the tension vibrating in every nerve of her body as she waited for his reaction. So it was real, after all.

A rush of tenderness and love and elation swept over him, so swift and powerful that it took his breath away—and scared him out of his wits. There was no question that he returned her love, with every ounce of his being. Yet doubts about making a success of marriage, given the pressures of his career, remained. He struggled against the urge to throw caution to the wind and pull her into his arms and shout “Yes!” for all the world to hear. It was what his heart told him to do. But he had to make sure she understood the dangers.

“Kate, I—” His voice broke and he cleared his throat.

Kate felt the bottom drop out of her stomach. She'd obviously shocked him into speechlessness, and her courage suddenly deserted her. How could she possibly have asked this man to marry her? Amy's bold plan had seemed reasonable when they'd discussed it, but given his reaction, it was way off base. Now she needed to find a way to smooth over the awkwardness she'd created.

“Listen, Eric, I'm sorry,” she said jerkily. “Y-you don't have to answer that question. I understand if…”

He reached out and took her hand, his look so tender and warm that her voice deserted her. “I
want
to answer the question. I was just…overwhelmed for a minute. No one's ever proposed to me before.” His lips quirked into a crooked grin.

Although the ardent light in his eyes set her heart hammering, she sensed a hesitation in his manner. She had hoped her bold question would assuage any doubts he might have about her willingness to accept the demands his job would make on their life, but apparently it hadn't, she realized with dismay.

“I—I understand if you need to think about it,” she stammered, stalling for time, suddenly afraid to hear his answer. If he was going to refuse, she didn't want to know tonight. Not on Christmas Eve. She averted her gaze and reached for the tote bag. “Like you said, we can talk about this after Christmas.”

She started to stand, but he restrained her and pulled her trembling body close beside him, into the shelter of his arm. “You can't just drop something like that on a man and then walk away, you know. Let's talk.”

She lowered her head and stared at the snowflakes falling gently to the ground, willing the peace of that sight to calm the turbulence in her heart. “I don't know what else to say,” she responded softly, her voice choked with emotion.

Eric reached over and with gentle pressure urged her chin back up until their gazes met. “Then I'll start. First of all, I love you, too,” he said huskily.

Kate's throat constricted, and joy flooded her heart. Those were the words she'd been praying to hear for weeks! And yet…he hadn't accepted her proposal. She searched his eyes, afraid to ask but knowing she had to. “I sense a ‘but' there,” she ventured, her voice quavering.

He laced his fingers with hers and absently stroked his thumb across the back of her hand.

“There is,” he conceded. “I'm just not sure marriage would be good for either of us.”

“How can you say that, when we love each other?”

“Because love implies certain obligations. Like being there for a child's Christmas play. And making sure the woman you love doesn't have to deal with her private terrors alone. And protecting the people you love from danger. And honoring promises. And a million other things that my profession won't always allow me to do. What happened four days ago could happen again, Kate. I can't promise you it won't.”

“I'm not asking you to. I admire your dedication to your work, Eric. It's part of what makes you who you are. Don't you think I know that you're torn between what you see as conflicting loyalties, that you anguish over balancing the two responsibilities? I wish you wouldn't let it tear you up inside. Yet one of the reasons I love you is that you care enough to
feel
anguish. And my feelings about
that
will never change.”