One Stubborn Cowboy (23 page)

She tried to nod again.

"Hell, I've slept with so many women I can't count them all. Groupies follow winners at rodeos. The adrenaline rush during the competition stays with you and after the shows, I'd take any willing woman. Almost all the guys did. It meant nothing but a release after the stress of the show."

She nodded again, his grip loosening slightly, but still he held her head close to his, his palms hard against her jaw.

"But I've only made love a few times. To Althea and to you. But what I felt with Althea can't begin to compare to what I feel with you, Kelly. She was almost as wild as I was, wanting the sex for a release. And it was sex, pure and simple. Or not so simple, maybe. But I didn't feel with her what I feel with you. With you it's hot and exciting and never enough. Yet I feel complete, as if more than our bodies touch, communicate. You are not a substitute for anyone or anything when you're in my arms. I have never felt so strongly about anything."

She blinked, wanting to say something, but not knowing what to say. Her heart swelled with love for him and she longed to take him in her arms and share that love with him.

"The past is over, gone, finished. It won't ever be repeated. I wish tonight that I hadn't done everything I have done, but know I can't change a thing. I have to live with it and you will, too. But I don't want it discussed again. Is that clear?"

She nodded. "I love you, Kit," she said softly, her eyes never leaving his.

"Hell, I wish you didn't," he groaned, lowering his mouth to hers.

When she could speak again, she tugged at his wrists and he raised his head.

"Maybe you love me, too. Maybe that's why the sex is different," she said hopefully, aching for it to be true.

"No, I don't. I can't. Don't you understand I have nothing to give a woman?"

"I can't believe you said that. You have more than enough to give any woman. More than enough for me!"

"You're setting yourself up for a truckload of heartbreak if you set your sights on me, honey."

Kelly didn't answer. She was not going to argue about it and set his back up again. She wanted to share her love for him, not make him withdraw. Reaching up, she pulled his head back down and kissed him with all the love she had.

He turned off the light and gathered her closer as they settled down to sleep the rest of the night.

"Kit," she whispered after a long time.

"Now what?" He didn't sound asleep.

"After the accident, were you told you couldn't make love again?"

"No."

"Why didn't you before me?"

"Never had the urge."

She thought carefully how she should word the next part.

"Was it hard to learn to walk?"

"Yes. Not that they said I couldn't. But I had no intention of spending my life in a wheelchair."

"Did they ever tell you you couldn't ride again?"

"Yes. Dammit, I can't believe you are bringing that up again. Drop it."

"If you would try one time for me, I promise never to bring it up again as long as I live. No matter what happens."

"Go to sleep, Kelly."

"Please?"

He was silent for a long time, his body stiff with tension.

"Kelly, I can't change what I am, what I can do. If you can't accept me as I am, maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore. I can't change just to please you." He held his breath. The thought of not seeing her again was enough to tear him apart.

She was shocked. "Kit, I don't want you to
change.
I only want you to go for all you can. It's none of my business and I'm sorry if you thought I was pushing you for more on my account. I'm perfectly satisfied with you the way you are. I love you, if you recall my mentioning it. But if you could be happier riding, why not try it? I thought I was encouraging you, not trying to change you. I'm sorry."

She was almost in tears. How could he think she wanted him any different from the way he was? Granted, if a miracle happened and he could walk unaided again, she'd be delighted. But his limitations didn't matter to her one bit. If he were happier with himself, though, she thought, he might let himself love her. Riding again could do it. But riding or not, she loved him just as he was—irritable, arrogant, bossy and sexy as hell.

"I'll think about it," he said at last.

It was the most she could hope for right now. He was a man of his word. If he'd think on it, maybe it would be a small step to trying. It would be enough. Snuggling closer to him, she fell asleep with a smile on her lips.

Chapter 11

Kit was gone when she awoke the next morning. She stretched, wincing at the soreness of certain muscles, then smiled with remembered memories of last night. She loved him so much! And his lovemaking was the stuff dreams were made of.

She showered carefully and donned her clothes from a few days ago. Sally had laundered them for her and they were clean and fresh. Brushing her hair, she grimaced at the bandage. How much longer would she need it?

She found Sally in the kitchen and they chatted casually while they ate breakfast.

"I'm off as soon as I help you clean up," Kelly said, eating the last of her toast.

"No need to clean up. Not much to do and if you help, I'll have empty time on my hands. I'm sorry you got hurt, but it's been fun having you here."

"Thanks for taking care of me. I would have had a hard time at home alone." She carefully refrained from asking after Kit, hoping he'd come to tell her goodbye. But she neither saw nor heard him. Well, they had covered some serious ground in their talk last night. Kit had some thinking to do—and so did she. If he wanted to see her, he knew where to find her.

"I guess I'll wait a little while before I take the pony out again," Kelly said as Sally walked her to the car.

"We'll exercise him. And I'm sure Kit will keep working with him. He's good about doing things like that," Sally said.

"I know. Though not from his reputation. I thought he'd be reckless and incorrigible from the rumors I heard before I knew him. But he's nothing like that."

Sally smiled and nodded. "I think it's some sort of male thing. I was actually afraid of him when I met him. And very nervous about coming here when Clint and I married. He still makes me nervous. But he works hard, and until recently hasn't had a chance to play. You're good for him, Kelly."

"He's good for me. Well, thanks again. See you soon." She climbed into her car and headed for home. She wished she could have seen him before she left.

* * *

Kit had to force himself to work this morning. He glanced at his watch again. Would she have left by now? He looked up at the fence Pete and Mark were repairing, wondering what he was doing here when he longed to be with Kelly. Damn, he wished he could have stayed in bed with her until she woke up. Kissed her awake, made love to her again.

He had to stop thinking of her. He was getting obsessed with her, and he knew there was no future in that. Yet not thinking of her was easier said than done. At odd moments he'd remember her coming in his arms last night. He'd never made a woman reach such pleasure before. It made him feel whole again. A sudden thought popped into his mind.

"Ah, hell,"
he said softly, closing his eyes in anguish.
He'd not used any protection.
He hadn't been able to stop long enough to get anything, hadn't even thought of it once.

She drove him mad and he reacted. Did Kelly know? He'd taken care of it before.

She had to know, if she thought about it. He felt his heart squeeze against his chest, and breathing was difficult. What a consequence. He needed to talk to her.

Tell her what? Sorry, I got caught up in the moment and didn't think of protection. Hope you're not pregnant.

What if she was? Then what?

Kit started the truck, calling to the men that he was leaving, and headed across the field. He and Clint had installed automatic gates at each crossing, so he used his remote to open the gates barring his way. Before long he reached the house.

Kelly's car was gone. She had already left. He stopped the truck and sat, gazing out over the fields. Now what? He'd have to tell her. But how? And what if she was pregnant?

A feeling of astonishment swept through him. And anticipation. He'd like to have a baby with Kelly. Have several children with her.

Was he crazy? He couldn't even marry her—how could they have children? It was one thing to have an affair with him. But she'd never tie herself to him and he wouldn't ask her to. He wouldn't ask any woman to pledge her future with him. It would be asking too much.

He climbed out of the truck and made his way to the barn, feelings at odds with his mind. Trying to ignore the warm glow that he felt when he thought of a baby growing in Kelly, of her stomach heavy with his child. Damn, he couldn't afford such thoughts. Logically they had no future together. He knew that.

He knew it as well as he knew he'd never walk normally again. As well as he knew he couldn't ride again.

Pausing near the corral where a couple of his cutting horses dozed, he leaned against the rails and watched the horses, remembering his promise to Kelly to think about riding. She was such a damned optimist. Why wouldn't she face reality? Didn't she understand the extent of his injuries? Wishing things different wouldn't make it so.

His stomach clenched with nerves and apprehension as he stared at the horses. He'd promised to think about riding. Could he possibly do it? The doctors had said he might never walk, yet he did, after a fashion. Could he ride?

He longed to feel the warmth and strength of a horse between his legs, to feel the air rush by as he moved with his mount. To go where a truck couldn't, be alone with an animal that would carry him wherever he directed, just the two of them. He yearned to know that kind of independence and freedom again. It would make him feel almost whole. He longed to feel the power between his legs, feel the same rush he felt when he rode the broncs and bulls.

He considered it. He'd promised he would and he did. The first barrier was mounting. He didn't have enough strength in his left leg to mount. The second problem would be staying on, getting his right leg in the stirrup, holding on.

Despite his best efforts, excitement began building within. He wanted to ride. He yearned to ride again. Could he?

He was getting as bad as Kelly, thinking he could do all he used to do. Bitterness surged through him as he turned and went toward the house. He'd accepted his limitations two years ago. No use wishing for the moon at this late stage.

* * *

With her book finished it was time to start another. Kelly threw herself into plans for a new story. This time she'd write about a little city girl's adventure on a real ranch. She couldn't wait to get started.

As the week progressed, Kelly's headaches stopped. Her shoulder was no longer stiff, and the bruise on her hip was fading. Still she didn't return to the Lockford ranch. She spoke to Sally every couple of days, asking after Sam. As casually as possible each time, Kelly would ask after Clint and Kit, longing to hear how Kit was, a bit angry with him that he didn't call her or come by.

She thought about making plans for her party, but each time she sat down to pick a date and make a guest list, she soon felt distracted. It always came back to Kit. When Kelly imagined her party, she saw herself introducing Kit to her friends as the man she loved, and who loved her. But that was not to be. Finally, Kelly decided to postpone her plans for a party until she had a clearer mind, and a clearer idea of where she stood with the stubbornest, most contrary man in the world.