“Don’t be scared.”
“It’s hard not to be.”
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.”
“That’s the problem. I’m not exactly sure what I want to do. “Jeremy stiffened, then turned his head, craning his neck to look at someone or something. “What is it?” she asked.
“That woman who just came off the elevator. Where did she go?”
“Who? Did you see Serena?”
“I don’t know. It looked like her.”
The clerk motioned for them to move forward. Maggie hesitated. “Should we go after her?”
“It might have been her,” Jeremy said. “But she was heading for the exit.”
“Let’s go then.” Maggie dashed toward the front door, with Jeremy following close behind. When they moved through the revolving doors to the pavement, they saw a man and a woman getting into a cab.
Maggie stopped dead in her tracks. There was something about the man, the cut of his suit, his hair color.
“That’s her, Maggie, come on. They’re leaving.”
She put a hand over her mouth, shaking her head in denial.
“What? What is it?” Jeremy asked impatiently.
“I think that man was my husband.”
Her ex-husband had a girlfriend, Lisa realized, feeling a twinge of bitterness as she drove back to Maggie’s house. Suzanne’s shocked face was still imprinted in her mind. Not to mention her glorious red hair and incredible figure. She could have been a model. Heck, maybe she was a model.
Lisa drummed the steering wheel as she stopped at a red light. Damn Nick anyway. He’d made such a big deal about her getting married again, when he was dating someone himself. He’d probably been with dozens of women since she’d left. He’d always enjoyed sex.
Her stomach knotted at the thought of Nick with someone else. She’d been able to keep that picture out of her mind for a long time, but now that she’d met Suzanne it was impossible not to think of Nick with another woman. Especially since he’d kissed her only minutes before Suzanne had walked in the door. He had kissed her with hunger and desire and longing, as if he’d missed her, as if he still cared.
And for a moment she’d cared, too. Far too much. She was getting married, she reminded herself, trying to focus on Raymond’s face, his smile, his eyes. It was hopeless, though. All she could see was Nick and Suzanne.
She wondered if they were sleeping together. Of course they were. They were both adults, both single, both free. After all, she’d slept with Raymond. But that was different. Raymond made love like a gentleman.
He didn’t embarrass her or tease her or make her feel like he was trying to see into her soul, get into her thoughts and her heart as well as her body—the way Nick had always done.
With a sigh, Lisa stopped her mother’s car in front of Maggie’s house, knowing she had to pull herself together before she went inside. The day had brought so many surprises, the storage room, the baby furniture, kissing Nick and still feeling something, and Suzanne—how could she forget Suzanne? Lisa leaned her head against the steering wheel and closed her eyes.
She saw Nick walking over to Suzanne, putting his arm around her shoulders, explaining who Lisa was. But why didn’t Suzanne know? Hadn’t Nick told her about his marriage? Obviously he hadn’t. He also hadn’t mentioned Robin. And at Suzanne’s question, he’d simply replied that he didn’t have a child.
How could he deny having a child?
She was the one who denied it. He was the one who confronted it every day of his life, by building cribs for babies.
For some reason, the thought that he hadn’t told Suzanne anything about his past cheered her. It made her feel that their relationship was still private, still special.
Shaking her head, Lisa opened her eyes and got out of the car. Why on earth did she want to think of their relationship as special? It was over. She was moving on.
Lisa walked into the house, said hello to Dylan and Mary Bea, who were watching television, then ventured into the kitchen knowing she’d find her mother and great-aunt there.
Silvia stood at the stove, stirring something in a pot. Carmela sat at the kitchen table, studying the flame of the candle in front of her. They both looked up when she walked into the room.
“Are you happy now?” Lisa asked, setting the key to the storage unit on the counter.
“I thought you should know,” Silvia said.
“Why?”
“Because you’re insisting on getting married to a man you don’t love.”
“You barely know Raymond. You have no idea how I feel about him.”
Silvia continued to stir without commenting, which irritated Lisa even more. “You know, I don’t see how you are such a judge of men,” Lisa said pointedly, feeling like a child when her mother looked at her through disappointed eyes.
“Are we back to your father?”
“No, let’s just forget the whole thing.”
Silvia shook her head. “You brought it up. Why don’t we finish it once and for all?”
Lisa crossed her arms and leaned against the counter. “Okay.”
Silvia set down her spoon. “I fell passionately in love with your father on our first date. He was different from the boys I’d grown up with. He wasn’t serious or macho or passionate. He was like a summer breeze, warm, teasing, fun, full of blarney.” She smiled at Lisa. “He was a boy, though, not a man, and when I told him I was pregnant, he became terrified. Being a husband and a father was not in his plans. And his parents …” Her face tightened. “His parents wanted so much more for him than me.”
“So he left.”
“No, he married me to give you a name.”
“Which you didn’t allow me to take.”
“Because I didn’t want him for that,” Silvia said proudly.
“Then he left.”
“The day after you were born,” Silvia admitted.
“He hated me.”“He loved you.”
“Oh, right. And you think I’m in denial? You’re the one who can’t see the truth.”
“He couldn’t be a father, Lisa, but he wasn’t a bad person.”
“You always want to see the best in people. Why can’t you see the best in Raymond? The man has a successful business, owns a lovely home, and is mature, caring and kind. Why do you think our marriage is a mistake?”
“Because he’s so much older than you, and because you don’t love him.”
“The age difference doesn’t matter,” Lisa said, grabbing on to the one point she could confidently argue.
“It wouldn’t, of course, if you did love him, and if you were honest with him. I don’t believe Raymond knows you at all. When you’re with him, you’re not Lisa, you’re Elisabeth, this woman you’ve created who is nothing,” Silvia said, waving her hand in the air. “You’ve become a shadow of yourself, no opinions, no joy, no tears. You’ve turned your back on everything that you were and everything that you could become to be this man’s wife.”
“This isn’t getting us anywhere,” Lisa said, hating the fact that her mother’s words had a ring of truth to them.
“You’re so afraid of living, you’ve simply stopped. You might as well be dead.”
Lisa stared at her mother in shock. “How can you say that?”
“I say it because I love you, because I’ve spent almost eight years waiting for you to wake up. I can’t wait anymore. Someone has to shake you out of this stupor you’ve placed yourself in. I want you to be happy, the way you were with Nick.”
“You want me to be with Nick,” Lisa argued. “But that isn’t possible, and it doesn’t have anything to do with me. Nick has a girlfriend. He’s involved with someone else.”
Silvia looked taken aback. “He never said anything.”
“He probably didn’t feel he needed your permission. You see, we’re divorced. We’re finished.” Lisa grabbed the bag of trash sitting by the door in a desperate move to end the conversation. “I’m taking this outside.”
She opened the kitchen door and walked out onto the back deck. As she turned to go down the stairs to the walkway where Maggie kept the trash cans, she heard a rustle and saw a clash of color. She stopped abruptly, dropping the bag on the ground. “Who’s there?”
Lisa stepped forward and took a better look. She saw what looked to be two people embracing, and her jaw dropped open. “Roxy, is that you?”
Roxy and the boy jumped apart. “Aunt Lisa. Hi.” She straightened her shirt. “What—what are you doing out here?”
“Obviously not what you’re doing out here.”
“Uh. Well.” Roxy looked at the boy, then at Lisa. “I—we were trying that French kissing thing that you and Uncle Nick were doing. I just wondered what it felt like.”
“Roxy, get in the house.”
“But Aunt Lisa—”
“Go, now, please.” Lisa turned to tell the boy to leave, but he was already hopping over the side fence.
“I thought you were cool,” Roxy protested as they reached the back door. “You’re acting just like Mom.”
“Good heavens. How much makeup did you put on?” Lisa asked, getting her first glimpse of Roxy’s face in the light.
“Just a little lipstick and blush.”
“You used more blush than I’d use to paint my house.”
“I look prettier this way and older.”
“Which is exactly why you’re going to wash your face,” Lisa said pointedly. “You’re too young to be wearing that much makeup. In fact, I don’t even wear that much makeup. And you should definitely not be sneaking out of the house to kiss boys.”
“I’m thirteen,” Roxy said defiantly. “Girls my age can get pregnant.”
“God help us,” Lisa said. “Kissing the way you were kissing is not a game, Roxy. It should only be done between two people who care about each other, who are committed to a relationship.”
“But you kissed Nick that way this morning, and you’re marrying someone else.”
Lisa was shocked into silence as she tried to figure out how to answer that statement. The screen door opened, and Silvia stepped out on the porch.
“You kissed Nick?” Silvia asked, obviously eavesdropping.
“She did,” Roxy said. “And it was a long one.”
“It was not,” Lisa protested, feeling as if she were the guilty one.
“They had their mouths open,” Roxy added.
Lisa sent her niece a dark look, now feeling like she was the one in trouble.
“I thought you were finished with each other,” Silvia commented. “Done, over, divorced. Isn’t that what you said?”
“This isn’t about me. It’s about Roxy. You are not to go out of this house again until your mother comes home, or unless I’m with you,” Lisa said firmly. “Understood?”
“Fine. But when is Mom coming home? I thought she was supposed to be back by now.”
“She called,” Silvia said. “She said she’d probably see you tomorrow or the next day.”
“The next day?” Lisa asked. “I have to go back to work. Did she say where she was? Did she leave a number?”
“No, she was rather vague.” Silvia turned to Roxy. “Why don’t you wash your hands? We’re about ready to eat.”
“Okay.” Roxy hesitated at the door, her face losing its bravado for one vulnerable moment. “Do you think Mom’s all right, Aunt Lisa?”
“She’s fine. She just needs a break. When she comes back, she’ll be rested and full of energy and more than capable of keeping you out of trouble.”
Roxy smiled and entered the house, leaving Lisa alone with her mother.
“Don’t even start with me about kissing Nick. “Silvia smiled knowingly. “I wouldn’t dream of asking you about such a personal matter. Listen, when Maggie called she was at the airport. I don’t think she’s coming home any time soon.”
“The airport. I can’t believe this.” Lisa shook her head in bewilderment. “Has the whole world gone mad?”
“Sometimes it seems that way, doesn’t it? Oh, and Raymond called. He wants you to phone him as soon as possible.”
Lisa sighed, feeling exhausted. “I can’t do this, Mom. I just can’t do it all.”
Silvia put her arms around Lisa and pulled her close, the way she’d done when Lisa was a child. Lisa returned the hug. She loved her mother, even though they rarely agreed on anything else.
“I’m sorry,” Lisa murmured. “I know you’re trying to help, that you want what’s best for me.”
“I do,” Silvia said as they broke apart. “You’re my baby. I know you’ve always felt a little lost without a father. Sometimes I thought about marrying someone else just so you could have a dad. But I couldn’t do it. I believed that marriage was sacred, and I still do.”
“Your marriage didn’t last a year, Mother. And you were left with a baby. I hardly think anyone would have minded if you’d found someone else.”
“I would have minded. I took a vow. I kept it.”
“The man didn’t love you. Why should you deny yourself the chance to be happy with someone else?”
“I loved him, and regardless of his feelings for me, my love was true.
It was sacred. I believe in one man, one woman, Lisa. That’s why I believe in you and Nick.”
“Mom.” Lisa shook her head, feeling Silvia’s powerful words stir her emotions, knowing she was nowhere near as strong as her mother. “Even if I don’t marry Raymond, I can’t be with Nick. You know he would want children. He would believe that somehow we could re-create what we had lost, that we could end up happily ever after. How could I go through that again? I couldn’t survive a second time. “”Who to say you wouldn’t end up happily ever after? That you couldn’t have another child?”
“Me, I guess.”
Silvia stared at her for a long moment, her eyes kind but sad. “Do you still love him, Lisa? Just tell me that, one time, the absolute truth.”
“Does she still love who?” Nick asked, as he walked out of the
house.
Chapter 15
Raymond,” Lisa said swiftly. “She wants to know if I love the man I’m going to marry, and of course the answer is yes. By the way, your girlfriend is lovely. How long have you been together?”
Nick’s smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Long enough. She is pretty, isn’t she?” He looked her straight in the eye. “And loyal, too.”
Lisa swallowed hard. “She sounds perfect. What does she do for a living, save the world?”
“Not quite. Suzanne owns a retail store that specializes in clothing for infants and toddlers. It’s very successful.”
Lisa’s body tightened with sudden, unreasonable tension. “Babies! That’s just great. Is she part of your ‘face your fear’ strategy? Maybe you should just have another baby and attack it head-on. Maybe two or three, to fill up all those cribs in your storeroom.”
“Maybe I should,” he said through tight lips. “I haven’t ruled it out. I’m not afraid of trying again.”
“No, you’re just—you’re just—” Oh, good grief, she couldn’t even think of what he was. She just knew she hated the idea of Nick and another baby—and another woman. It seemed unthinkable.
“I’m just what, Lisa? Living in the real world? Some of us do that, you know.”
“So, are you serious about her? “”Maybe Nick crossed his arms in front of his chest. “What’s it to you?”
Lisa glanced over at her mother, suddenly aware that Silvia had heard their entire conversation.
“What is it to you, Lisa?” Silvia asked.
“It’s nothing to me. I was just making conversation.”
The screen door opened, and Roxy stuck her head out. “Grandma Silvia, the oven timer went off, and Aunt Carmela is chanting something weird over a candle.”
“Oh, dear. I’ll be right there.” Silvia moved toward the door, then looked at Nick. “Carmela is very worried about the anniversary of Robin’s death. Perhaps you can convince Lisa to stay, Nick. It would be nice to have both of you.” Lisa’s jaw dropped open once again as Silvia left to tend to dinner. “You—you’ve done the celebration before?”
“Someone had to.”
“You don’t believe in those customs.”
“Your mother and your great-aunt do, and they both loved Robin. I figured it couldn’t hurt. Maggie came last year, and Roxy. We thought Dylan and Mary Bea were a little young to hear your great-aunt’s stories, but I’ve taken them by the cemetery a few times, and we’ve put flowers on Robin’s grave. She is their cousin, after all.” Nick leaned against the side of the house. “Have you ever gone to the cemetery, Lisa?”
She hesitated for a long moment. “Yes.”
“The violets. You left her the violets.” He nodded as he smiled to himself. “I found them by the headstone, the day after Mary Bea was born. Did you talk to her, Lisa? Did you say her name out loud?”
His words came softly on the breeze, accompanied by the sound of the wind chimes hanging over the deck. Here in the shadowy darkness, it seemed easier to answer Nick’s questions.
“I don’t think she’s interested in anything I have to say. I’m the one who let her down.”
“I thought that was me.”
“Maybe it was both of us.”“Or maybe she just died through no fault of ours. No, somehow you just can’t accept that. You have to blame someone.”
“This is pointless. I’m going inside to help my mother with dinner.”
Lisa tried to walk past him into the house, but he grabbed her arm.
“Not so fast. We have some unfinished business.”
She looked at him in surprise. “I can’t imagine what that is.”
“This.” Nick leaned over and covered her mouth with his, kissing her this time with a passion she found just as compelling as the tenderness he had exhibited earlier. In a way, it was easier to handle, because this kiss was more like a fight than a loving, and she knew how to fight with Nick. It was the love without the hate that she couldn’t come to terms with.
Nick finally set her free, but the expression on his face still held her captive. “How can you kiss me like that—and marry someone else?”
How could she? Lisa felt an immediate wave of shame and guilt. “I never should have come here.”
“That’s not an answer.”
Lisa threw her hands in the air. “I had everything figured out, Nick.
I knew what I wanted. I had what I wanted. Now it’s all messed up.”
“My fault, I’m sure.”
“Partly, yes.” She hesitated. “I saw the way Suzanne looked at you.
She wants you. And Raymond wants me. We’re both moving on. That’s the way it should be.”
“What if I can’t stop thinking about you? What if I call your name when I’m making love to Suzanne?”
Her stomach clenched as she remembered all the times Nick had cried her name, with passion, with joy, with lust, with tenderness. “Don’t do this, Nick.”
“Here’s an idea. You and me—one night of passion, just to see if there’s anything left.”
“You can’t be serious.”
“Are you afraid? “”Of course not.” But she couldn’t stop a shiver at the thought. Nor could she bring herself to look into his eyes.
Nick cupped her face with his hands, making her look at him. “One night, Lisa. Remember how you used to scream my name and tangle your hands in my hair when I kissed your breasts?”
She shook her head in denial.
“Remember that night when I started with your toes and worked my way up every gorgeous inch of your body?” Desire gleamed in his eyes. “You were so hot by the time we were through, I thought you’d set the bed on fire.”
She shook her head again, not wanting to remember, even though she felt that same fire now, burning its way through her body.
“You were so willing to make love anywhere, on the kitchen table, the porch swing in front of our house at two o’clock in the morning, the living room couch.”
“Now, that is not true,” Lisa interrupted. “I only went along, because you persuaded me.”
He laughed. “And you liked the persuasion. Admit it.”
Lisa knew she was in danger of losing herself in his eyes, in his voice, in his arms. It had always been that way with him. From their first date she’d been swept off her feet. She hadn’t come back to earth until the day of the funeral.
She pushed him away from her. “I am not interested in one night of anything with you, Nick. I’m engaged to be married to a great guy, and I certainly don’t intend to cheat on him with my ex-husband.”
Nick shrugged. “Whether you sleep with me now or not makes little difference. I still will have had you first.”
“My God. You’re arrogant.”
“Thank you.”
“That wasn’t a compliment. And don’t forget I had you first, too. At least, I was the first important one,” she said defiantly. “That’s what you always said.”
“And I told the truth. I haven’t forgotten anything, Lisa. Unlike you, I remember every detail of our life, but then I don’t live in a
country called Denial.” He paused. “Tell me, are you and Raymond going to have children?”
She hesitated, knowing she was about to give him more ammunition, but she refused to lie or explain. “No.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t want more children.”
“Because you’re afraid. You can’t take a risk. You’re chicken.”
“I’m not chicken. I’m a mature, sensible woman who does not need to risk losing her mind again over a baby. I’ve been there, and I’ve done that. If you’re so hot on kids, why don’t you marry Suzanne and have your own brood?”
“Maybe I will,” he said loudly.
“I hope you do,” she shouted back, storming past him to get into the kitchen.
Nick stopped her, determined to have the last line. “If this Raymond is the perfect guy for you, why haven’t you sent out your wedding invitations?”
“I haven’t had a chance, but I will.”
“Second thoughts?”
“Not one. In fact, I’m going to call him right now and tell him how much I love him.”
Beverly’s foot moved up Raymond’s leg, her toes caressing his calf, then his knee, then his thigh with a sensual purpose. Raymond stared at her across the small table in the dimly lit restaurant. He saw smoky shadows of desire in her eyes. He had a feeling the same emotion was reflected in his eyes.
In desperation, Raymond grabbed his glass of water and tried to dislodge her foot from his leg. Instead, he spilled the water halfway down his shirt and accomplished nothing more than making Beverly laugh.
“You’re so nervous,” she said. “Why?”
“It might have something to do with your foot on my crotch.”
“You don’t like it?”
“We’re in a restaurant, for God’s sake.”
“So you do like it, just not the location. “Raymond took his hand and removed her foot from his thigh, forcing her to sit up straighter in her chair. “Thank you. Now, are you done? I think we should go.” In fact, he should have left a long time ago. They’d shopped for several hours, until Beverly had selected the most expensive, sexiest dress she could find. Then they’d stopped in a restaurant for drinks and finally decided to have dinner. It was now almost nine o’clock at night, and he had yet to call a halt to things.
Being with Beverly was surprisingly enjoyable. They’d spent most of their time arguing about everything from politics to fashionable ties, but he’d found their conversation stimulating. Beverly had an opinion on everything. She also had a sharp wit and a way of looking at him that made him feel ten feet tall. Not that she didn’t humble him on many occasions, like this one, when her sexuality threatened to overwhelm him.
“I guess we should go,” Beverly agreed. “I hate driving home alone so late at night. I don’t suppose I could convince you to follow me, just to make sure I get home safely.”
Raymond hesitated. Beverly wasn’t afraid of much. He had a feeling this plan had more to do with getting him to her home than anything else. Still, she was a woman alone, and L.A. could be dangerous at night.
“Sure. No problem. Tell me something, are you flirting with me because you think it will give you some sort of an edge over Monty Friedman, or because you’re truly interested?”
Beverly smiled, that slow, knowing, self-satisfied smile that reminded him of a cat with a big bowl of cream. “I get to you, don’t I?”
“Not at all. I don’t know what your game is, but it won’t work.”
“Then why are we here together? In fact, why did you come looking for me?”
“I wasn’t looking for you; I was looking for Monty.”
“You knew we were together. Did you really think Monty would give me
personal information? Something I could use to beat the pants off of you?” Her eyes gleamed with delight. “No pun intended.”
“Obviously you thought you could get something out of him.”
“I was just showing him a little personal attention. I’m very good at that.”
“I’m sure you think so.”
“I do. None of that explains why you’re still here with me.” She paused. “I think you want me.”
Raymond laughed, shaking his head as if she’d just said the most outlandish thing in the world, instead of the closest thing to the truth. “Don’t be stupid.”
“Why are you so afraid of me?”
“I’m not.” Raymond tossed his napkin on the table. “This conversation is over.”
“Fine. The last thing I’d want to do is make you uncomfortable.”
“Sure.”
Beverly remained blessedly quiet as they paid their bill and left the restaurant. It took a few moments to collect their cars from various locations, but Raymond eventually found himself following Beverly’s taillights down the freeway. She drove as fast as she did everything else, and it was a challenge just to keep up with her.
He couldn’t remember being with a woman who tested him in so many ways.
Not that he wanted to spend his life with that kind of woman. Elisabeth was more his type, with her quiet, calm demeanor, her willingness to adapt to his needs, his schedule. Maybe they didn’t have a tremendous amount of passion in their relationship, but who the hell needed all the upset anyway? Beverly would drive a man crazy.
Not that it wouldn’t be fun while it lasted. She was so bold, so daring. Raymond wondered if she’d be that way in bed—if her fresh mouth wouldn’t take him places he’d never been before.
His body hardened, and he rolled down the window to let in some air.
He had to stop thinking about her. He was marrying Elisabeth in four weeks. Elisabeth. Elisabeth. He ran her name through his mind like a mantra, trying to remember her face, her beautiful blue eyes, but then he saw the bracelet, the baby shoes.
What if Elisabeth wanted children? What if she changed her mind and got pregnant without asking him?
Of course, he could always have a vasectomy. He’d thought about it for years, but the procedure had never been palatable to him. He was afraid it would decrease his sex drive, make him less than he was, and he was already losing so much of everything else like hair and muscle tone that he hated to do something unnecessary.
He was probably just imagining things. Still, he remembered the softness in Elisabeth’s voice when she’d told him about the children she was babysitting. He knew she would be a good mother. She had a nurturing instinct that couldn’t be denied. That’s why she volunteered for the children’s organizations. Because she loved kids. Which left him wondering why she didn’t want any. It suddenly seemed a contradiction in her character. Was she hiding something? Why had she told him the bracelet belonged to her mother, when it was hers? And why did she have a bracelet with baby shoes on it? Had it been given to her at birth?
Funny, until today he’d never thought Elisabeth capable of hiding anything. But then he’d never anticipated her taking off for San Diego on a moment’s notice.
He straightened as Beverly exited the freeway. In a few minutes, she pulled into her parking space in front of a luxurious town house in the Hollywood Hills. He stopped his own car in the guest space and sat there for a moment, knowing that he should not get out of the car. He should not go inside. Absolutely not.
Beverly walked over to his car and tapped on the window until he rolled it down. “Did I mention that Monty Friedman’s sister was featured in Entertainment magazine last week?”
“No,” Raymond said warily. “Why would I care?”
“Well, she does talk about how she and Monty grew up, what they believe in, some of their family values. I probably shouldn’t even be telling you this, but you were so nice today and that dress is going to cost you a fortune, so if you’re interested…”