Sexual Bucket List
Josie reclined on the couch and leafed through photo book Nick made for their five year anniversary. Nick and Josie had taken thousands of pictures over the years. Some of them were in albums and some were locked in a special box in their bedroom.
Maybe in a hundred years someone will find the pictures and ask who these crazy fucks were?
Josie frowned at the slightly faded photos in front of her. Over ten years had passed since her wedding reception and her relationship with Nick had changed so dramatically. Sometimes it felt as though she didn’t know him at all and when he was home, she felt like she was sleeping with a stranger.
Yuri grew into a loud and stubborn teenager with a tremendous amount of energy and Al was laid back to the point of being lazy. Dealing with two teenage boys and holding down a full-time job while Nick traveled made life increasingly difficult. Josie, like many working mothers, lost herself in the madness of everyday life. She tried desperately to try to recapture her life by looking through old photos. It only made her want to cry.
“Mom, when’s Dad coming home!” yelled Yuri from the top of the stairs.
“Around dinner time!” she screamed.
Nick had great success in his career and had become a leading cinematographer for documentary films. He loved traveling to exotic locales to be on set—Peru, Easter Island, The North Pole. While Josie stayed at home with the boys, she started wondering whether Nick was having an affair?
When Nick did return from one of his trips, his attention was given to Yuri and Al who tackled him as soon as he walked in the door. As expected, wrestling became the Markovich family sport and both boys couldn’t wait to show their new moves to their father. Being the only women in the house, Josie felt pushed out and neglected.
It was dinnertime when Nick returned from his latest trip. He dropped his bags in the entryway of the downstairs office. The boys leaped from the kitchen table to greet him, abandoning their meal and Josie.
“Dad!” they screamed and launched themselves at him.
He wrestled with the boys on the living room floor. Josie called out from the kitchen. “It’s dinner time! You can attack your father after you finish dinner.” She could hear Nick mumble. “The master is calling.” The boys and Nick took their seat at the table.
“That master is calling?” Josie questioned snidely.
Nick filled his plate with carrots and potatoes. “That’s what you are, aren’t you?”
She didn’t respond, hoping her silence would be enough of an answer.
“She’s like a slave master,” responded Al. “She doesn’t let us do anything when you’re not here. All we have to do is chores.”
“Did you have chores when you were younger dad? Did grand mom make you clean the bathroom?” asked Yuri.
“I don’t remember. That is like another lifetime ago,” he said.
“Mom does. It’s gross. That’s what maids are for,” said Al.
“Well if you don’t learn to do it, how do you know if a hired maid is doing it properly? You gotta learn how to do it before you can hire someone to do it for you,” said Nick.
“I know how to do it. Mom, can we get a maid?” asked Al.
“If your father wants to pay for one, I’m all for it,” replied Josie. She took her plate and walked to the sink. “Maybe he can hire a cook as well.”
It was then Nick realized there was something wrong with Josie. He picked up his plate and followed her. “Is there something going on I should know about?”
Josie turned on the water and scrubbed her plate clean. “Maybe if you were around more, you would know.”
“Honey, it’s my job. I’m a filmmaker. We go on location to film. Our backyard is not big enough,” he said.
She ripped the plate out of his hand. “So, do you want me to hire you a prostitute as well as a cook?”
Nick paused and shook his head. “What?”
‘“And there have been many affairs and many times I thought to leave.’ What does that mean Nick? Who were the affairs and when did you think to leave?”
“What are you talking about?” he asked, growing irritated.
“That was the lyrics to the Rod Stewart song you chose to dance with me at our wedding reception. Who were the affairs, Nick?”
“Again I ask—what? What the hell is the matter with you? That is the one line you are intent on focusing on. You honey, are nuts!” he yelled.
“You’re away so much, you must have another woman, or women,” she said and looked over her shoulder to see her boys still seated at the table, “and then you come home and pay no attention to me. Maybe if you’re bored at home, I can hire someone to entertain you.”
He looked at her hard, turned around and walked out the front door, slamming it behind him. Yuri and Al looked at Josie and then at Nick who opened the door and returned to the kitchen.
“What the hell was that all about?” Josie asked.
“Well, I thought I entered an alternative universe, so I thought I’d start again and maybe in this universe my wife is not a fucking crazy,” he said.
Josie chuckled sarcastically. “You think this is funny. Our marriage is on the rocks and you’re making jokes.”
“Our marriage is on the rocks?” he questioned shocked.
“Are you having an affair?” she asked, whispering so the boys couldn’t hear her.
“No! Jo, how can you even think that!” he exclaimed.
She turned and looked at him sternly. “Are you watching porn when you’re alone on the road?”
He hesitated. “I—”
“I knew it! You promised you’d never watch porn without me,” she stated strongly. “What was it—lesbian, anal, threesome,” she broke into tears, “barely legal? Is that it? You long for some tight, young thing?”
“No, honey it was just lesbian, sometimes threesome,” he said in a comforting tone.
“Ah ha! So I’m not enough for you? You want to invite another woman into our bed?”
Nick turned around and walked out of the kitchen. He wasn’t going to continue this conversation with her. He never expected it from Josie, but she had lost her mind.
Later, after the boys had gone to sleep, Josie crawled into bed alone. She turned on her side away from the door and cried.
It is true; my marriage is falling apart
. She wiped her eyes when she felt Nick’s weight fall onto the bed beside her.
“They’re having a premiere party for the documentary I did in Peru. If you don’t want to come with me, I will take the boys,” he said.
“Oh, I’m going! You can’t get rid of me that easily.”
Nick sighed heavily. “Are we going to talk about this, or are you just going to make me suffer?” he asked.
“Make you suffer?” Josie replied. “What do you think I’ve been doing for the past ten years?
“You have been suffering the past ten years?” He turned to face the back of her head. “The past ten years of raising a family has been hell. Is that how you really feel?”
“No, but it would have been nice to have a little help. You’re living your fantasy life, traveling around the world, while I have been doing all the mundane things.”
“You have a good job, I thought you liked. When I’m not traveling, I work from home to help with the boys. I have made dinner and picked the boys up from practice when you had to work late. Besides, I think it’s terribly offensive when you call our life together mundane.”
“I’m exhausted; I don’t want to talk anymore,” she said.
“Fine.” He rolled away from her. “If your life with me is that fucking terrible we can call the divorce attorney tomorrow and you can be free of the boys and me.”
Josie was shocked at how quickly he could bring up divorce. The idea didn’t even cross her mind. She couldn’t imagine living apart from him and the boys. Maybe it was true; maybe their time had come.
They next day, Josie shopped for a gown to wear to the premiere. She couldn’t believe how much weight she had gained.
No wonder he is not interested in me anymore. I’m fat and hideous.
She found a plum-colored dress that hid her fuller curves. She hadn’t really looked at herself in the mirror for years and couldn’t believe, at one time, she thought herself beautiful and sexy. She thought of her friend Marta. ‘Beauty is an illusion,’ she recalled Marta saying. That is what she needed—a great, big, fucking illusion.
Josie and Nick arrived at the premiere dressed up in their tuxedo and gown. Of course, he didn’t seem to age at all and in fact, he looked even better. She hated how men could age with such dashing degree and women often looked like an old, battle-axe in a moo-moo.
After the movie, Nick and Josie mingled with the guests, when Josie spotted a hot, lithe blonde girl. “Who’s that little thing?”
“Oh that’s Terry, my assistant,” he said casually.
“That’s Terry! I pictured Terry to be some fat, middle-aged man with a beard,” said Josie. “So have you ever thought of having sex with your assistant?”
“No. So skinny, body like a man, fake breasts—she looks like she’d crack with any weight put upon her. Women need to look like women.”
Terry arrived at Nick’s side, hearing part of his sentence. She laughed. “Hi, I wanted to introduce you to my fiancé, Roger.”
Nick gave Josie a stern glance and shook Roger’s hand. “I’ve heard quite a lot about you. Terry talks about you all the time.” He put his arm firmly around Josie’s waist. “This is my wife, Josie.”
“Josie, cool name, is that like the cartoon or the empress?” said Roger.
“Empress,” Josie lied. When Nick laughed, she didn’t know what was so funny. She didn’t mean it to be. “Well it was nice meeting you Terry and Roger,” she said cordially.
“Likewise. I’ve seen pictures of you and the boys, but always looked forward to meeting you in person,” replied Terry and then she and Roger continued to mingle with the other guests.
Meeting Terry however did not satisfy Josie’s suspicions. She was undeterred and scanned the crowd again. She studied a woman who reminded her of Madame Tsvekhov. The woman had jet black long hair; her breasts were pushed together in a low cut dress. “How about her, she is all woman?” questioned Josie.
“Her breasts look like a butt crack,” he said.
“Okay then, who do you like? If you were cruising this party, who would you try to pick up?” she asked.
“You,” Nick stated the obvious answer.
Josie scoffed and turned away. “Right.”
“All right, I’ll play your game. See that stud tuxedo, would you go for him?” he asked.
“Nick, they are all wearing tuxedos,” she replied irritated.
“Would you take any of their dicks in your mouth? Stick your finger up their ass,” he asked in a whisper.
“That’s disgusting!”
“It’s disgusting? Is it disgusting when you do it to me?” Nick offered his hand. “Come on; let’s get out of here. I took the liberty of getting us a room.”
Josie was slow to take his hand; she was angry and didn’t quite know why. It’s not like she caught him in the act with another woman. His only crime of infidelity was watching porn while on a business trip. She firmly believed the first steps to unfaithfulness were pornography and the next will be finding a woman to fulfill his fantasies.
They stepped inside the empty elevator and the doors closed. Josie glanced at Nick. “You know we never had sex in an elevator. In fact, we traveled quite a bit when we were younger; we never had sex in an airplane bathroom. I never claimed my membership to the mile high club.”
The elevator door opened. “I didn’t realize our marriage was a sexual bucket list. I’m in this for the long haul, Josie, not for kicks,” Nick said and walked ahead, leaving Josie to follow.
She trailed him silently until they were inside their hotel room. “My friends all talk about dark sexual fantasies they share with their husbands to reignite the fire in their marriages. I have tried to do that with you. I have learned how to do hand jobs. I have tried to spark fantasies, but you turned me away. I have tried all these things, but you just don’t seem to appreciate me.” She plopped down on the bed and sighed. “I just don’t know what to do any more.”
“Would it make you feel better if I donned leather chaps, a goat mask and whipped you while you were in handcuffs? Is that what you want from me!” he yelled, his face stiffening with rage. “All these fucking fantasies you women have and you just don’t get it. Josie, God Damn it! I want to be your fantasy, not some long, flowing-haired, demi-God in a puffy, white shirt. Aren’t I enough for you? What the fuck do you want from me?”
Nick noticed the bottle of champagne he ordered on the table. He hoped to drink it in celebration—a romantic evening with his beautiful wife, but instead she was dead set about putting his fidelity and sexuality in question. He uncorked the bottle with absolutely no ceremony and poured a glass for himself. “I had a crush on you since seventh grade. I could hardly believe a girl like you would even be interested in me, let alone date me. I couldn’t believe that you would delay your career to travel with me and live with me in Russia. I can’t believe you would give me such beautiful boys and such a wonderful life and you have the fucking nerve to question me, my love and devotion for you.”