Only Strange People Go to Church (23 page)

Maria is relieved to finally get a hold of Dezzie but worried about why he’s been so elusive. She’s about to find out.

‘It’s me,’ she says tonelessly.

‘Hello, Miss Maria!’

Dezzie sounds pleased to hear from her and she laughs with relief.

‘I’ve tried you a few times.’

She tries to keep it light, not like an accusation.

‘I thought maybe you were at a game and couldn’t hear your phone.’

‘No, no, it’s an away game this week. I’m sitting here watching it on telly at Brian’s. We’ve got a few cans in. Just giving his mum and dad a chance to get a few hours out of the house. They’re away up to the Hexton Arms for Bobby McCann’s Saturday Singalong.’

This might ordinarily cause Maria to struggle with her own jealousy: Dezzie bonding like this, not only with Brian but with his family. But she’s just happy for them, happy that Dezzie and Brian enjoy each other’s company and that his parents can get out. Most of all she’s happy that Dezzie isn’t angry with her. Things seem to be back to normal, thank God.

‘Hold on a tick, Maria, I’ll take this out in the hall.’

Maria hears Dezzie moving out of the room away from the noisy television.

‘So, I’m glad we’re talking again,’ Dezzie says in a semi-whisper, quiet enough that Brian won’t hear. ‘I’ve missed you.’

Dezzie’s the one who didn’t phone but maybe he thought she wasn’t speaking to him and anyway it doesn’t matter anymore.
The warmth Maria feels in her cheeks and her belly is not just from the wine.

‘I’ve missed you, too.’

‘So when am I going to see you? Tonight?’

‘Oh Dezzie, I’m sorry. When I didn’t hear from you last night I arranged to take Fiona out tonight.’

‘But I’ve hardly seen you all week!’ says Dezzie, sounding like a disappointed child.

‘You see me every day.’

‘Yeah, but you know what I mean. I haven’t seen you naked. I miss your body.’

‘Oh Dezzie,’ says Maria smiling, ‘Is that all you’re after?’

‘You know that’s not all I’m after, Maria.’

Dezzie sounds offended and Maria moves quickly to reassure him.

‘I know, sorry, I’m being flippant, too much wine.’

‘Wine?’

‘It’s a long story which I’ll tell you when I see you.’

‘What are you doing tomorrow?’

‘I was planning on coming down to rehearsals; see if anyone needs a hand with last minute stuff. We’re getting close to showtime.’

‘You can’t be there every day. You need some time off. All work and no play makes Maria a dull girlfriend.’

Maria smiles, there it is again, her favourite word. She laughs with delight: he wants to see her, he needs her.

‘Why don’t I take you down to the seaside, give you a bit of a break? We can go on the bike, I’ve got a spare helmet.’

‘Oh I don’t know, I’m a bit scared of motorbikes.’

‘Maria, don’t worry. I’ll drive slow, d’you think I’d let anything happen to my most precious cargo? Look, forget the bike. I’ll see if Jan will lend me the car.’

‘I thought she said ‘never again’ after George’s little accident.’

‘Yeah, but I’ll work my boyish charm on her.’

Maria laughs, as Ray walks back into the office she lifts her eyes and acknowledges him and leans forward. Ray makes a ‘take your
time’ gesture but not only is she on the phone to Dezzie – her secret boyfriend, she’s calling an expensive mobile number from Ray’s line.

‘I’ll have to go,’ she says, careful not to say his name.

‘Okay, I’ll come round in the morning, early. Don’t bother getting up and dressed, I’ll just climb in beside you.’

‘Okay.’

‘I love you,’ he whispers.

‘Yes,’ says Maria, stunned, ‘I’m with people just now.’

But she wants to scream; I love you too, Dezzie!

‘Okay. Tomorrow then, yeah?’

‘Okay, bye.’

Maria puts down the phone and mentally prepares to leave. She’ll have to wait a few minutes with Ray just to be polite, especially after using his phone. But thankfully it’s Ray who calls their meeting to a close.

‘Sorry, I’ve got to finish this bloody sideboard off,’ he says.

Maria stands and as she is about to leave he calls her back.

‘Mind if I ask your advice, Maria?’

He has pulled out his tobacco tin and begun rolling a cigarette.

‘Fire away.’

‘D’you think I’m ready?’

‘Ready?’

Maria is delighted to do anything she can to help Ray but she’s not sure what he means.

‘I mean, to meet someone else? I don’t know,’ says Ray, as he lights his cigarette.

‘I’ve met so many nice people here, one woman in particular, d’you think I should ask her out?’

‘Do
you
think you’re ready, Ray?’

‘Well kind of. I’ve taken my ring off,’ he says, indicating his ringless hand.

‘I think that must be why I told you about Suzy. I don’t want to miss my moment with this woman, she’s really nice.’

Naturally Maria is dying to know who the woman is: Marianne or maybe one of the young mums. Really Ray could have his pick of
the women who come around the church, they probably all fancy him, but she’s not going to ask. She’s been privileged to be let in to a little of Ray’s life today, he’ll tell her if and when he wants to, when he’s ready. But whoever it is, she’s a lucky girl. Except for the smoking, Ray is a fantastic catch.

‘Ray, why do you smoke? You know it’ll kill you.’

‘Well, that’s the general idea,’ he smiles.

‘In that case it sounds to me like you’re not quite ready.’

His smile fades. Perhaps she’s been a bit hasty.

‘But you’re getting there.’

Maria bought Fiona a dress. It’s a smasher, Mum says. It’s for the show and Fiona is not allowed to wear it. She’s to keep it good. Maria says thank God it fits because she wasn’t sure and she can’t take it back. It’s green. Fiona saw it in the window. Mum says that was a helluva price to pay for a dress out of Oxfam even if it is velvet. Mum says she hopes to Christ Maria’s not expecting her to pay for it, a posh frock to wear for just one night. She says that lassie must have money to burn. Fiona was crying because she wanted to wear it to the pictures but Maria and Mum said she has to keep it good. Maria said they were a bit early for the pictures so they could go to the pub if Fiona wanted. Maria was very happy. She winked at Fiona and said, ‘come on girl, live a little, we’re both over twenty one,’ Fiona said yes. They sell crisps in the pub. Fiona’s dad used to bring her crisps from the pub before he went away. They went in but Fiona is scared of the pub. It is noisy and too smoky and Maria said okay, let’s get out of here.

Maria took Fiona to a posh coffee shop. They had coffee in big cups. The cups were bigger than the soup bowls in the centre. Fiona wanted a cake but Maria said she won’t fit into her dress if she keeps eating crisps and cakes. She wants to fit into her dress. Maria said if she has too much sugar in her blood she’ll get diet beetles. Fiona has got sugar in her blood. She’s tasted it. Fiona is scared of diet beetles but she didn’t tell Maria.

The film was very funny. Maria and Fiona were laughing all the time. It was a rom com. At the end, Juliet, the screwball girl who walked dogs, was a beautiful bride. Fiona knew Juliet was going to
be beautiful. She tried to tell Maria. But Maria said shh! They got the bus home and Maria was very happy. She smiled and squeezed Fiona’s arm. This made Fiona feel happy, too. Fiona told Maria she wants to be beautiful. Maria said Fiona is beautiful, she just needs to lose a few pounds. Maria said that when the show is over they can start running in the morning. She says it is great exercise and they’ll soon have Fiona in shape. Fiona wants to be in shape. She doesn’t want to have diet beetles. She wants to look nice in her dress. She wants Martin to see her in her dress. Fiona did not tell Maria this. Fiona took Maria’s arm. Maria said Fiona is her best gal pal and always will be. She said even if either of them gets married they will still be best pals. Fiona wants to get married. She wants Maria to get married, too. It was the best night out at the pictures ever. And they didn’t even get crisps.

Maria sets the alarm ten minutes early just in case. When she lets Dezzie in she pretends she’s just woken but she’s already brushed her teeth, had a quick shower and slipped into a clean sexy nightie.

Dezzie brings the cold morning air in with him and his body is cool against hers. His fingers are freezing. Maria squeals and giggles and makes him rub them under the duvet for a few minutes before she’ll let him touch her. It is two hours of play and tea and toast and naughtiness and then Dezzie is gently shaking Maria’s shoulder. She must have dozed off.

‘C’mon. Shake a leg, we’re burning daylight.’

He’s up and pulling on his jeans.

‘Do we have to go?’

‘Yep.’

‘Can we not just stay in bed for the day?’

‘Nope.’

‘Ooohh!’ says Maria, pulling the duvet around her and pretending to cry like a baby.

Dezzie comes over to the bed and kisses her ear.

‘C’mon, babes. It’s a lovely day. I’m taking you down to Culzean. It’s the most beautiful place in the world. I want to show it to you. And when we get there I’ve got a surprise.’

Dezzie takes his opportunity and grabs the duvet but Maria holds on so tight that she’s dragged, screaming and giggling, out the bed and on to the floor.

Maria has heard of it, of course, a National Trust stately home on the Ayrshire coast. They drive down from Ayr along a rugged coastline of dramatic sea cliffs and ruined castles. As they turn a corner, Culzean Castle, perched on the very edge of a cliff, is spread in front of them. It has a huge round tower with long windows facing out to sea. Gulls swoop and turn on the cliffs below and boats with white triangular sails bob in the water like bath toys. It’s a fairy-tale castle, the kind of place where a life-sized living Ken and Barbie might raise a family.

Dezzie stops the car halfway down a steep hill at a signpost that reads
Electric Brae.

‘Watch this,’ he says mysteriously.

He takes off the handbrake and studies Maria’s face for a reaction. Her face registers surprise; despite the absence of brakes, the car has not started to roll down the hill. Her expression progresses to disbelief and fear when she realises that the car is slowly beginning to roll
up
the hill. This cannot be happening. This defies the laws of physics.

‘What is it?’ she cries in panic. ‘Why is it doing this?’

‘It’s magic,’ says Dezzie, clearly delighted with her response.

Maria badgers him and he reluctantly explains. When vehicles were first discovered to be rolling uphill it was the subject of much scientific debate and exploration. The first theory was that it was caused by strong electricity or other, as yet undiscovered, natural forces; forces strong enough to haul a car and passengers up a hill. Eventually, after exhaustive research, it was discovered that the Electric Brae phenomenon was related to the angle of the hill and the hills beyond. It was merely an impression on the senses caused by the lie of the land.

‘Some smartarse clever clogs worked out that it’s just an optical illusion.’

‘You mean it’s not magic?’ cries Maria, deflated.

‘It is if you want it to be, darling,’ says Dezzie.

‘It’s magic!’ Maria shouts out of the open window at the car behind them, which is loaded with awestruck children and now rolling up the magical, electrical brae.

They park Dezzie’s sister’s car in the village of Maidens and buy cans of juice from the local shop. He has brought sandwiches in his rucksack. They wander slowly along the beach hand in hand, without speaking, without needing to. They explore the rock pools and caves at the foot of the cliff, finding crabs and shells and a long slimy seaweed stem with thick fronds like tagliatelle. It reminds Maria of a whip, a cat-o’-nine-tails. She affects a pirate accent and chases Dezzie along the deserted beach, thrashing out at him with the whip but never quite catching him.

‘Shiver me timbers, Jim Lad, I’ll see the colour of your innards!’

Dezzie climbs up on to the slippery black rocks and holds his jacket open and his arms out wide impersonating the black cormorants that stand drying their wings in the stiff sea breeze.

The sky is a bright wide blue, entirely clear except for the fluffy clouds that hang over the mountains of Arran across the water. The sea is blue and then grey and then green and then blue again, shifting and changing with every wave. The waves smash the rocks, fizzling and sizzling in the pebbles at their feet, as if to say, ‘I’ll be back.’ And they do come back seconds later, angrier and more fizzy than the last time. Dezzie and Maria dare each other to stand closer and wait longer, toying with the wave, jumping and laughing when it catches them off guard.

When their feet are wet and they tire of the game, they go up through the woods into the Culzean estate. The trees are tall and widely spaced, letting in sunlight that dapples their faces as they move through. Dezzie knows the place well and shows her everything, the swans, the deer, the vinery, the peach house, the formal gardens, the secret gardens, the sweeping lawns and the overgrown paths. They look at the Castle from outside but they do not go in.

‘I’ll pay to see inside other people’s houses when they start paying to see mine,’ says Dezzie, and Maria laughingly agrees.

‘I’ve saved the best bit,’ he says as he drags her down a path which leads to the cliff top. They follow it until Dezzie gently guides Maria by the hand on to a lower grassy outcrop. They are surrounded on three sides by the sea. This is a secret place, cut off from the estate but with views to Ireland and Arran, which is now swathed in evening mist. The sun is beginning to go down behind the Ailsa Craig. ‘Paddy’s milestone’ as it’s known, Dezzie explains, a large lump of rock halfway between Scotland and Ireland used as a stepping stone by Paddy.

‘And other local giants,’ he smiles. ‘This is my favourite place in the whole world.’

‘Mine too,’ says Maria, backing against him for security and warmth.

They stand for some time, Dezzie’s arms locked around her and his head on her shoulder. They watch the sun slide behind the big rock, splaying out rays that filter gold through the clouds and bounce on the water like diamonds.

Dezzie pulls Maria to face him and holds both her hands in his.

‘I said I had a surprise.’

She’s confused; she thought Electric Brae was the surprise. Dezzie is breathing heavily and his hands are as cold and damp as a fish. He’s fumbling in his pocket for something and then produces a red velvet box. Before Maria really has a chance to process this information or worry about it, Dezzie has made his intentions clear. He has dropped down on to one knee.