Only Strange People Go to Church (24 page)

What a bliddy laugh! That was the first time Alice had ever been in one of those places. She’d made out to the other Belles that she was used to clubs but she was dead nervous when they got to the door. They had free tickets so there was no problem getting in and the bouncer was flirting with them like nobody’s business. Handsome big boy he was, made Alice feel like a young thing again. Even if he probably was a poof, it’s still nice to get a bit of attention.

She’d been expecting it to be dirty and sleazy but actually it was quite classy. Classy prices, too. Despite the fact that they’d got free tickets, the drinks were a fortune and the show went on so late they had to get taxis back to Hexton.

The whole thing had been Alice’s idea and even Ray said it was brilliant.

After that moaning-faced cow Maria left, half-pished Alice noted, she’d gone in and pestered Ray until he confirmed what it was all about – that weird fella, Ronald. Alice knew right away it was him, it was that obvious. A man that dresses up as a woman, it’s not right. A boy like that’s guaranteed to be a homosexualist. She was pleased that Ray trusted her enough to tell her – and she’ll obviously keep it under her hat – but at the same time she was a bit worried. Although she didn’t say so, she agreed with Maria that it was dodgy having him around the place.

‘Don’t get me wrong, Ray, he’s definitely got talent. Apart from the Belles he’s the best thing in the show,’ she said.

Ray agreed and said there was also his
come one come all
policy thing that he’s always banging on about.

‘It’s just a shame the boy can’t do something a bit more constructive than parading his bits,’ she told Ray.

Alice’s view of young people has changed radically in the last few weeks. Ray’s noticed. When she suggested Bob and Gerry for stagehands, ‘give them something useful to do rather than hanging about here like a bad smell all day’, Ray said that was a great idea. He said Alice was turning into a ‘solutions person’.

Alice didn’t have a clue what that meant but she knew it was something good. Since then she’s been thinking up loads of great ideas.

‘Plenty of them, homosexualists I mean, earn a living at it,’ she told Ray, ‘strip shows and that kind of thing. I’ve seen them on the telly. With Ronald’s talent he should be getting paid for it instead of getting arrested.’

He laughed and said something about ‘context’ but then he went serious and said he had a contact. A guy he’d done a lot of joinery work for owned a strip club in the city. Ray phoned the guy and apparently the guy couldn’t do enough to help. Everybody loves Ray.

A couple of days later – did Ronald not come in and offer them all free tickets! He said he wasn’t ‘a name’ yet so they weren’t expecting a big crowd and would some of us want to come along? Bums on seats, he said.

Ray and McKenzie weren’t interested, they seemed embarrassed to be asked but that’s typical men. Alice and the Belles jumped at it and what a night it turned out to be!

All the turns were good but Ronald was far and away the best. He sang while he took his clothes off. And he didn’t just strip, what a showman! He never laid a hand on anybody and yet he made love to every woman at that table. Some of them were helluva grateful. Some of the girls had forgotten what it looked like. They only thing was, not everybody liked the colour of his downstairs hair. Jean McEwan said she liked fiery pubes. Years ago, before he went grey, her man had fiery pubes. But the rest of them, Alice included, found the gingerness a wee bit off-putting. Still and all, they never let it spoil their night. They still had a bliddy laugh.

Maria almost said no. She can laugh about it now as she watches her solitaire sparkle on her finger, but then, on the cliff top, she was scared.

Her first thought was that it was a prank, that the whole time they had been dating was a big set up for this elaborate joke on her. How could this be? That, in such an unbelievably romantic setting, a bona fide proposal of marriage would be made by the best boyfriend in the world. It could hardly be true.

She panicked, she even tried to run away but on that promontory, that cliff top eyrie, there was nowhere else to run but straight back into Dezzie’s arms. He later joked that he’d planned it that way, saying that if she’d refused he was going to throw her off the cliff.

They agreed to keep it quiet for the meantime; at least until after the show and Dezzie has a chance to speak to Mike and Bert. Neither of them is very sure what the position is with engaged couples working together at the centre. Dezzie said that if it turns out that one of them has to move to another centre it should be him. He has the motorbike for transport; it’s easier for him to go further afield.

‘It’s not just that,’ Maria told him, ‘I’ve been with Blue Group for three years, I don’t think I could just up and leave them for another centre.’

Dezzie understood.

He was happy letting Maria set the date, the sooner the better he said, but he wasn’t bothered. Whatever she wanted was fine by him. Maria favoured a spring wedding. They would try for permission to have the ceremony at Culzean on the cliff top. Failing that they’d have it on the beach. No one could stop them having it there. They were of a similar mind about celebrating it: nothing expensive or showy, just a few close friends, Blue Group obviously, and family. She was dying to tell the girls, especially Anna, and see their faces, their pity turning to envy when they met her gorgeous fiancé. In some ways she was more excited about telling the Kelvin Street Kids than about any other aspect of her wedding.

They agreed that they would each put their flats up for sale and buy a house, a proper house with a garden, a safe place for kids to play in. They planned to get a dog, a lifelong dream of Maria’s, and even came up with a name: Sadie. They thought of children’s names, too. They argued and laughed about it all the time but they couldn’t decide on anything. Dezzie said not to worry, that they’ll know when the babies come along what to call them. And, before they left the cliff top they made love, seriously and without protection, in the gathering dusk. All the way home in the car Dezzie kept reassuring her that she’d made the right decision, that she wouldn’t regret it, that she’d made him the happiest man in the world.

She’s had time to get used to the idea now. She’s accepted that she has as much right as anyone to have her dreams come true.

The last week of rehearsal zoomed past in a haze of last-minute costume fittings and scenery painting. Apart from Magic Marshall’s heightened security with his rabbits, the dress rehearsal went very well. As she spent virtually every waking hour in the church making preparations for the show, Maria actually saw very little of her fiancé. Dezzie – wisely, Maria thinks – stayed well out of the way and let her get on with things. He kept himself occupied watching football most evenings at Brian’s house.

Bert reluctantly agreed that the centre would cover the cost of taxis for Blue Group to and from the church on the night of the show so long as they share. Between them Maria and Dezzie discussed possible routes and arranged to pick everyone up in two taxis. Dezzie will firstly leave his bike at the church and then go by taxi to pick up Fiona, Martin and Jane. She will pick up Brian.

And now, at last, tonight’s the night. Maria reluctantly removes her engagement ring and puts it on the gold chain she wears around her neck. She keeps the chain under her jumper, out of sight and close to her heart. Blue Group is so jumpy and nervous that she doesn’t want to risk any further upsets, tonight’s their night.

When Maria arrives at Brian’s house it’s his mum who brings him out to the taxi. Normally quite a friendly woman, Brian’s mum draws Maria filthy glances as she roughly stuffs her son’s chair into the taxi.

‘He’s got my heart roasted, so he has,’ she says to Maria, and then sharply to Brian, ‘I’ll be telling your father the minute he comes in, don’t think I won’t. I’m warning you, boy!’

Maria doesn’t know what she means and Brian smiles when she asks him.

‘Mmm. Bop.’ says Brian. ‘It’s. A. Secret. No. One. Knows.’

Maria recognises the Hanson lyrics. It’s probably to do with the T-shirt trick the boys are going to play on Mike but when she asks him he refuses to answer. She knows it’s pointless to ask again. She won’t get any sense out of him. Brian is in one of his warped teenage moods and he’s best left to himself when he’s like this. No doubt he’s nervous, but so is she.

The church hall looks like the Albert Hall. It’s amazing, unrecognisable. It’s clean and tidy, swept late last night by Aldo and Bob of wood shavings and silk threads. The school has been emptied of chairs. They’ve been transported here and laid out in tidy rows, packing as many in as the hall can take.

Pastor McKenzie has proved himself invaluable. Good things can apparently come from wild unfounded allegations. The Pastor, always one to put a positive spin on things, thought that Maria’s hastily assembled
truth and justice
meeting went so well that they should form a health and safety committee. This has admittedly gone some way towards building bridges between Alice and Maria. She has apologised to Alice repeatedly but it wasn’t until Ray had a word that Alice relented and spoke to Maria.

With the approval of the committee and the help of the local fire safety officer, the Pastor has drawn up a fire evacuation plan. McKenzie has ordered his nominated fire exits to be well lit, clear of impediments and open throughout the show. Alice was miffed, saying that those who had been unable to get tickets might be able to sneak in but the Pastor, usually open to compromise, would brook no argument. Especially with so many wheelchair users in the building, safety must take priority over a few people sneaking in, he said.

The hall has a feeling of order and safety to it and it looks lovely. The stage curtains have been washed and mended and now roll
along the runners as smooth and quick as a dancer. The snooker table no longer squats in the middle of the floor either. Ray has made a wooden cover as a lid for it and it now serves as the coffee bar at the back of the hall. Betty Anderson, one of the Kitchen Belles, had a fantastic idea for decorating the stage.

A poster went up in a the café a week ago requesting the loan of pot plants and almost everyone coming into the café came with their arms filled with greenery and their name stuck on the side of their plant. People, mostly those who are not otherwise involved in the show, are desperate for their plant to be included and some of those who had no plant to begin with, went out and bought one. Everybody wants to be in show business. The lip of the stage is covered three-deep in shiny green vegetation, which gives the place an air of class. But Maria has not seen the classiest yet.

The director, the stage manager and the compere for the evening are one and the same person, Marianne Bowman. Marianne has lost all traces of her pearl strung glasses and tweed suit. Her make-up and jewellery are perfectly understated. Her dress, a pale blue full-length Grace Kelly number, highlights her girlish figure. She looks good enough to eat, which is confusing to the senses because unfortunately, as usual, she reeks of
Georgio
perfume. People in the audience ten rows back will go home tainted with the smell. Apart from this one small foible Marianne brings so much style and grace that she could be a presenter for the Eurovision Song Concert.

Advance ticket sales have been tremendous. They could have sold every seat in the house three times over. Other than to check tickets and sell programmes Pastor McKenzie and his Victory Singers have very little to do.

Marianne has thoughtfully allocated Blue Group exclusive use of the dressing room nearest the stage. By way of a welcome Alice has hung a big gold cardboard star on the door. The others haven’t arrived yet.

Apart from chaperoning Blue Group Maria has been pressed into service as an understudy scene shifter and has been instructed by Marianne to dress in black. She’s already wearing her black
trousers and has brought a black polo jumper to change into. It is whilst she’s yanking it over her head and trying to disentangle her hair that Brian catches sight of the ring on the chain.

‘Who. Is. The. Lucky. Man.’ he asks.

Maria smiles, giving nothing away.

‘Are. You. In. Love.’

Again she smiles, this time as confirmation.

‘Me. Too.’

Now they’re both smiling.

‘Who’s the lucky woman?’ Maria teases.

‘Man.’ Brian corrects.

‘Oh,’ says Maria, raising an eyebrow, ‘you’re a dark horse, aren’t you?’

Really she’s quite shocked that Brian has a lovelife at all, never mind the fact that he appears to be saying he’s gay. But Maria is so delighted for him that she can’t resist giving him a hug. Everyone deserves to be happy and in love, especially Brian. Life is wonderful.

She’s glad the others aren’t here yet. She almost never sees Brian on his own these days. Without this time alone together he might not have told her. With all the time she’s had to spend on the show, her relationship with Brian has drifted without her noticing.

‘Well, go on then, who is it?’

Brian repeats the Hanson lyrics.

‘It’s. A. Secret. No. One. Knows.’

‘Okay, you don’t have to tell me if you don’t …’

‘Dezzie.’ says the Dynavox.

Maria laughs.

‘Dezzie?’ Maria says, still laughing.

Brian is smiling.

‘You’re in love with Dezzie?’

Brian has such a beautiful smile.

‘Oh Brian, sweetheart.’

She moves to hug him, this time a slow tender hug. Poor Brian. He has a crush on Dezzie. It’s understandable, but heartbreakingly sad. How awful it must be to want someone without any chance of there ever being a relationship. They mustn’t let Brian find out
about their engagement while he feels like this; it’ll break his poor heart.

‘You’re young, Brian. I’m sure there are a lot of nice guys out there. And one of them will be right for you.’

‘Young. But. Not. Daft.’

‘Sorry Brian, I didn’t mean anything other than…’