Ophelia (11 page)

“Come here, Hulk Hogan. I need a bear hug.” I laughed.

He looked at me, happy, and gave me the hug I asked for. He then kissed my forehead. “We’re home now. To be honest, it makes me nervous.”

I searched for his eyes but he was avoiding me. “Look at me. Why does it make you nervous?”

He took a moment before he even looked at me and when he did, his eyes were cold and scared. I hated it. “Because... Usually, as soon as you’re home, you start to think about leaving, to plan out your next destination, and I really don’t want you to leave me again.”

“I’m not going anywhere, I don’t have any plans. Listen to me, Teo. I’ll play at your restaurant. I’ll try to find a decent job. I want to settle here, like we said we would. I want to work on us now.”

“Us... You really want it?” he asked, his voice less panicky.

“Calm down, baby, it’s us. Just like when we were in Australia. We’re in this together, okay?”

He nodded and kissed my lips, needing to erase the fear he felt. “Come on now, I bet Clara is dying to see you.”

I wanted to run and push the people out of my way. I wanted to get to my friend and my little princess. I saw her from afar. Bev was holding her daughter in her arms. I squealed like a little girl when I finally reached her. We hugged and I cried. I was overwhelmed with emotions. Clara was holding a single red roses in her hand.

“Welcome home, Lia.”

“I missed you so much. I’m certain you’ve grown an inch or two. Look at you, you are so pretty.” I took her from Bev’s arms and held her for a couple of minutes. She was the cutest kid ever. Her little curls, her joyful smile, she was a breath of fresh air. Pure love.

The drive home had me anxious. It felt like I was moving into a new house. I had never felt like this before. Maybe the fact that we were now serious and official had changed things for me. I was looking forward to settling down, finding things to do without looking for my next getaway.

Teo held my hand the whole way back home, never letting me go. He looked just as excited about this as I was. I wanted to give him the world. My only intentions were to make him as ecstatic as possible. It was my time to spoil him, even though I knew he would never let me do. He was a proud man who wanted to be the one in control. I rolled my eyes at the thought. It was an Italian thing.

“Tired?” he asked in a whisper.

I nodded yes.

“Too bad, I had plans for us tonight.” he teased. “I can’t wait for us to be back home.” His words were full of promises and temptation. I knew what he wanted. Me.

... O ...

Being home with Teo, Beverly and Clara had to be the best feeling in the world. I was ready for this. Teo and I shared a bedroom. We were now a real couple and every day, he brought something special into my life. He knew exactly how to make me blissful.

Teo had big projects at work and he had to work long hours. I visited and ate with him as often as I could. I applied for jobs in music schools. Teo insisted I take my time before agreeing on a job. He wanted me to settle down and think thoroughly before accepting any offer. We had talked about this numerous times.

When I could, I liked to spend the day with Clara and catch up on everything I had missed. She had gotten so big and bright. She had learned to write her name and she could count to twenty. I’d missed her a lot in Australia. Six months had been a very long time without her giggles. 

Life in San Diego fulfilled all of my requirements. I played the piano as much as I could, I visited Teo at work almost whenever I wanted to and I had a girl’s night out every week with Beverly. Life was good and I had started to believe that everything I desired was here. The beaches, the city life, I loved it.

***

When falling like a leaf from a tree, I’m light, I fly.

Until I hit the ground, I become heavy and lifeless.

***

“I
got a call today. They want me in London for a month.”

Teo laughed. “Well, I hope they can find someone else,” he said, avoiding my eyes.

“They want me to fill in for a concert. The pianist has been hospitalized and they need to find someone fast. They want me.”

He took his plate and emptied the contents in the trash. “You said you weren’t going to leave again, that you needed stability and me. You said you wanted to spend time with me.”

I felt a stab in my heart. This wasn’t going to go well. “It’s only for a month, Teo.”

“No. No. No. It isn’t just a month, Ophelia. A month is a shit load of time that I want to spend with you. In the last four years, you’ve spent sixteen months home. Sixteen.” The panic was rising in his voice. I knew he wasn’t going to let me go easily.

“Teo.”

“Don’t fucking Teo me,” he shot at me. “I thought you wanted to be here with me. Me, Ophelia, the guy who moved across the country to be with you. The guy who left everything to be with you. For ten fucking years, I’ve waited for the day you would say you’re done travelling around the world and you finally said it a month ago.” His emotions were all over the place. The sadness in his eyes broke my heart but the muscles in his jaw kept telling how furious he was.

“It’s all I know, Teo. It’s all I’ve ever done in my life.” Tears ran down my cheeks. I wanted to hug him, hold him in my arms but I knew it wasn’t the right time. “Come with me.”

He laughed but it wasn’t a funny Ha! Ha! kind of laugh. It sounded more like a ‘are you fucking kidding me?’ laugh. “Are you serious? You know I have a job here. I can’t leave everything for a month when I just spent ten days with you in Australia.”

“I’m so sorry, Teo.”

“You told them you would go, didn’t you? You said you would go before you even mentioned it to me? How is that supposed to make me feel, Ophelia? Do you care about me? About us? Don’t answer that.” He paused and walking toward our bedroom. “When you say you love me, do you mean it? I love you so much, babe, so freaking much, but you are tearing me in two and I’m fucking bleeding.”

“Teo...” I cried.

“You’re all I have left, but I realize now that I never really had you.”

“I love you, I love you.” I repeated, sobbing. I felt his pain, his loss but also the need to leave to do what I loved to do. I was torn between both of my loves.

“Don’t say it. If you are able to leave me again, this isn’t love. You need me, maybe, but you don’t love me. I did everything I could for you. I did more than my part. I waited a decade for you, I was patient but I can’t anymore because it will never be enough. You’re never going to stay with me.” He paused. “I’m done, Ophelia. Done.”

Our eyes locked for the first time since the beginning of our argument. I more than needed him, I really loved him, loved everything about him.

“When we talked about having kids, getting married, were you even serious about it? Or did you just say that to make me happy?”

“I want it all with you, Teo. You know me. You know it scares me to death to have kids, but I would do it with you because you are my rock.”

“I was your rock.” He entered our room.

My whole world shattered. My life without him didn't mean anything, but I had given them my word that I would be in London tomorrow morning. I wanted to throw punches at the wall, I wanted to scream, but none of it would ease the anguish I felt inside.

Teo walked out of the room with his duffle-bag full of clothes. He had made the decision to leave, and he wasn’t kidding. We. Were. Done.

“Teodore.” I never call him by his full name. He looked up to me and I felt terribly small. So tiny he could walk over me. “Every single time I said I loved you, I meant it.”

“Well, it didn't mean enough.”

With those words, I watched him leave. He never looked back, never said goodbye. The pain pulsed into my body and my heart was about to escape its cage. Panic invaded me. I was back ten years ago in my hospital bed, unable to breathe or to think, only trying to survive. I had lost a part of my soul and it was slowly killing me.

Was I making the right decision? I thought not, but saying no to a great opportunity never seemed like a possibility. I had never refused before.

Beverly and Clara were out for a couple of days and it killed me not being able to say goodbye. Everything was weighing against me and my decision, which only had me doubt myself even more. I cried every tear my body contained, but it didn't change anything. Teo was still not home and he hadn't called either.

I ended up packing my clothes with a broken heart and a confused mind. The day had started well, with many cuddles and I love yous, but I ruined it all.

I left our apartment not knowing where Teo would go, feeling like the sky was about to fall down on my head. It was the first time that I was going away without Teo or Beverly accompanying me to the airport. I hated the feeling of loneliness and it only pushed me to cry even more.

Was a contract really worth losing the man who had stood by me for so many years? I couldn't bring myself to answer the question.

Sitting in the taxi, I could see the airport getting closer and my hands beginning to tremble. Shit! I thought to myself, this wasn't right.

The taxi driver parked by the entrance and got out to give me my luggage. I was still hesitating between going or not, but I paid him and finally walked in the airport.

The knots in my stomach were making me feel nauseous, and I doubt that I was going to make it to the restroom. Running with my luggage rolling behind me was far from easy. I stumbled a few times but made it to the toilet fast enough to empty my stomach there instead of on the airport floor. Some ladies offered me help, but there wasn't much they could have done. I had to control myself and calm down. When I was finally done heaving over the toilet, I looked inside my purse to get a hold of my gum. What I found had my heart skipping a beat. The pregnancy test I had bought with Teo after having our first official baby conversation because my period was two days late. That was two days ago. How could I have possibly forgotten about it? I opened the box and sat on the toilet. This could change everything. My trembling fingers almost made it impossible to pee on the damn stick, but I managed to soak it just enough.

The moment of truth approached too slowly for my taste. I could barely breathe with all the tension building in my shoulders. My fingers held the pregnancy test, but my eyes were too scared to look. I wanted to look –  I was dying to know – but the truth had me scared shitless. Teo said he was done with me, but what would he decide if I was pregnant?

I wanted to scream so freaking loud, but being in an airport made it impossible.

“Positive, I’m going home and negative, I’m going to London.” I murmured before looking at the test.

The blood drained from my face, my heartbeat throbbed in my ears. “Oh my God!” My bottom lip quivered. “Oh my God! Teo.” I cried saying the words. “I ruined everything.”

I put the test back into the box and in my purse before hurrying out of the restroom. I had to get back home and find my man.

“Taxi, taxi.” I called as soon as I was outside hoping one of them would be willing to take in an emotional wreck. I managed to give the man my address in between sobs. “Please hurry, sir.”

He looked at me as if I wasn’t the first one asking him for that favor today. I just wanted to find Teo, soon. Today had been a terrible day.

I closed my eyes for the most part of the ride home to try and calm down.

“We’re here, Miss. I hope your day gets better.” He smiled to me, and I saw pity in his eyes. He removed my luggage from the trunk and brought them to my front door.

“Thank you, sir.” He returned to his car while I unlocked the door and pushed the luggage in. “Teo? Are you here?” I waited for an answer but I heard nothing.

Teo’s job was nearby, and the small bar where he liked to hang out, too. I crossed my fingers and prayed I would find him there. Both places were within walking distance, so I hurried out. By this time, the tears were gone. My whole body ran on a rush of adrenaline.

I walked faster and faster, almost to the point of running. First, I reached the bar. It seemed to be a quiet night.

“Excuse me, Trevor, have you seen Teo tonight?”

“No, sorry. I haven’t seen him in a few days.”

Right! He’d spent the last couple of weeks glued to me, and I loved it. These moments had to happen again, I couldn’t imagine my life without his touches or his kisses. The fact that I had chosen London over him made me a monster. I was an idiot, no doubt about that.

The restaurant where he worked was across the street from where I was. He was sitting on the bench by the door, his elbows on his knees. Teo looked lost in sad thought and I was the reason for his pain.

“Teo!” I called after him for the first time. I saw a small reaction, but he didn’t move his head to look around. “Teodore!” I said, louder. “Here, baby/” I said again when our eyes met. He didn’t smile. He looked surprised. He stood up and his deep brown eyes remained on me. I looked to the left before crossing the street, and I started running to him, holding the test in my hand. I hadn’t really figured out how to announce the news. Teo wanted kids, many of them. I was pretty certain that he would be happy, but I wasn’t sure if he still wanted me.

I saw terror into his eyes. “Ophelia, watch out!” he yelled

Tires screeching and wall hit me.

Darkness and pain followed.

***

I. Can’t. Lose. Her

***

T
eo.

I heard her scream, I saw her helpless body hitting the windshield hard and it cracked to pieces. I heard her scream again, I saw her body falling lifeless, inches in front of the car. I heard nothing but my heartbeat crashing on my eardrums.

I didn't know if I was screaming, crying, or sobbing, all I knew was that the pearl of my life was in the middle of the street and she didn't even look alive.

I jumped off the terrace and ran as fast as I could to reach her, to hold her in my arms, to pull her out of the street.

Every part of my body was shaking. Amore mio! I kept repeating, hoping I would find life when I reached her. She was too young, too promising to die and mine, she couldn't die.