Orbital Maneuvers (36 page)

Susan thought for a second, scanning a mental list for things they might need, “No, I can’t think of anything.  Thank you, Captain, you’ve done more than we could have hoped for.”

“You’re welcome.  Please remember, you only have two chances, and you have about twenty minutes to your first window.  Good luck and have a safe journey home.” The Captain’s voice faded in the rising static.

The intercom was still active, linking Susan with the control module, and she heard Jerry call out to Paul.  The voice sounded hoarse but a lot stronger than she thought it would be considering Jerry’s condition.  “It sounds like Jerry’s back with us,” she said softly to the intercom, hoping that Jerry did not hear her.

Ivan responded.  “Yes, he has been awake for a while.  He has been quiet, though.”

“He must be glad to hear we are about to leave the station,” Susan said.  She did not hear Ivan’s response, but was again deep in thought about what her future was to be.  Susan looked up at the intercom, and spoke up, “Ivan, could you come down to Kibo?  I need to talk to you.”

Ivan was surprised at the request, but agreed and quickly left the control module.  Meanwhile, Paul was undoing Jerry’s restraints with the reluctant help of Alexander and Nicholas.

XXIII

Ivan’s mind raced with thoughts as to why Susan would call him to Kibo, especially since they did not have much time before they had to board the CRV.  While he sorted through the different possible reasons why Susan might have called him, he also considered what he was going to do once he got back to Earth.  Going back to Russia made sense, but for some reason it did not feel right to him.  He felt the need to go to the United States first.  Why, he did not know, it was just a feeling.  Frustrated, Ivan tried to push it out of his head for now, there were too many unknowns at this time to come up with a workable solution.  The only thing he could count on, he thought, is that life is going to be very different. 

Absentmindedly, he pulled himself along with whatever handhold he could find, moving faster and faster, which only made it harder for him to stop as he approached the hatch to the Kibo module.  A bit out of breath, he entered the module and found Susan gazing into a rack near the end of the compartment.  She looked very pensive and Ivan knew from that expression that she was thinking about something very serious indeed.

Susan looked up when she heard the hatch squeak as Ivan pushed it open and entered the compartment.  “Hi, Ivan.  Thanks for coming,” she said softly.  As Ivan closed the hatch behind him, Susan continued, “I know we don’t have much time to make this first window for the reentry so I will get right to the point.” Taking a deep breath she looked Ivan in the eyes, and blurted out, “Ivan, I am not going to go back!  I am going to stay on the station!”

Ivan was dumbfounded!  He suddenly felt very numb and wounded.  Slowly the words began to register as he searched her face, her eyes for a sign that she was playing with him, teasing him in some malicious way.  He saw nothing other than a very serious pair of eyes gazing into his. 

“What…what are you saying?” he stammered, not really wanting to believe what he thought he had just heard.

“I said that I am going to stay on the station.  Look, Ivan, I have given this some thought—”

Ivan cut her off.  “You can not be serious!  You can not stay here!  This is crazy, Susan.” Ivan’s normally quiet voice was tinged with disbelief and was many decibels higher than usual.  He reached out to take Susan’s shoulders, but she moved back.

“Ivan, I have given this some thought.  I have nothing to return to Earth for.  No one, no reason to be there, and I am sorry to say, no desire to be there and suffer a slow death.”

“Susan, this is not going to be any better, in fact it could be much worse for you.  You have no one to support you here if something were to go wrong.  You have limited resources of food, water and air—”

Susan cut him off again and waved her arm around the module.  “Kibo is set up to become a self-sustaining habitat,” she said.  “They have all the equipment here to do it.  It was to be a test bed for long-term space flight, a flight to Mars.” Ivan followed her gesture, looked about the almost empty compartment and shook his head.

“I do not see any equipment for this—
habitat
!” Ivan retorted.  He did see that the computer display had the countdown timer showing and noted that they had ten minutes and thirty-five seconds left.

“It has to be set up.  All the equipment is on board in the Leonardo module, I have already checked,” she responded, trying to be reassuring.

“Susan, that is an experiment!  There is no guarantee that it will work.  If it fails, you have no hope of rescue!” Ivan could feel his heart pounding in his chest and his face flush.  He was caught with his guard down and had no contingency plan for this.  He knew that they would not finish this discussion in time to make the first departure window.  His experience with the military, in space and with NASA training told him that they should take advantage of their first opportunity to leave the station and not wait until the last chance in case something goes wrong.  They would need that extra time to try to fix any problems that might occur.  “Susan, this is nonsense!  Come, we do not have much time, we need to get to the CRV.”

The intercom crackled to life with Paul’s voice.  “Ivan, Susan, we have less than ten minutes to depart the station, are you ready?” Ivan looked at Susan with pleading eyes but she held fast and slowly shook her head “no”. 

Paul’s voice broke the silent standoff.  “Ivan, Susan, do you copy?  We have to get going now if we are to leave by the first window!”

Ivan moved over to the intercom.  “Paul, we have a problem here,” he said.  “You and the others meet me at the CRV.  I will be there shortly.” Paul’s response barely squeaked out of the speaker before Ivan shut off the intercom, cutting him off.

Susan moved forward toward Ivan.  “Ivan, you have to go.  You and the others have to leave now.  You can’t afford—”

Ivan interrupted Susan as he pushed off from the bulkhead where the intercom was and moved closer to her.  “We can not leave you here…I can not leave you here!  Do you not understand that?” he said gently.

“Ivan, you have to leave me here, it is what I want.  I can’t—”

Susan was within arms reach and Ivan grabbed her and pulled her close to him.  Holding her tightly, they floated very slowly across the module and Ivan whispered quietly, “Susan, I love you!…I can not leave you here, by yourself, and return to Earth alone.” Slowly, reluctantly, Susan’s arms rose to embrace Ivan and she pulled him close.  “Come with me, to Russia.  We will be okay there,” Ivan said softly, as he put out his hand to cushion their collision with the wall.

Susan’s mind was racing a mile a minute now!  Ivan had never told her how he felt.  He was much too disciplined to allow his personal feelings to cloud their professional relationship.  Deep down she knew, or at least she felt, there was so much more beneath that polished exterior of their professional relationship, but she never allowed herself to explore it—the time was never right. 

Susan felt that the time now was even more wrong.  She wasn’t in any position to let herself go with her emotions with all that had happened in the last few days.  Susan was feeling very vulnerable, and it was taking every bit of strength she had to resist the urge just to surrender to those feelings, and to Ivan. 

Why now?
  She anguished in silence, as she squeezed Ivan tighter.  Why couldn’t this have happened on Earth weeks ago, or months ago?  The thought of returning to Earth just filled her with dread.  She knew that she would not be very good company to anyone she was with if she went back.  Knowing herself, and how she was feeling now, she had no other choice. 
I can’t allow this to happen now
! She thought. 
I can’t even show Ivan that I love him, too.  It would not be fair to him to give him such encouragement and then just push him away
. 

Her mind raced on, her emotional side arguing with her logical side. 
It feels so good being with him, close to him
.  Susan wrestled with these thoughts and finally decided that she could not allow herself to acknowledge or reciprocate Ivan’s feelings. 

“Oh, Ivan, I can’t,” she said.  “You have a life in Russia, a family and friends who have been there for you for your entire life.  I can’t just drop in with you.  I would be more of a burden to you and your family.  I would be another person to look out for if things get worse, and that is something you don’t need.  No, I can’t allow you to do that.  I can’t do that.”

Ivan pulled back and looked intensely into Susan’s eyes, “Nonsense!  You would not be a burden and everyone would be delighted to have you.  Please, come with me.”

Susan closed her eyes wishing that this were not happening, at least not now, not here.  She was perfectly content with her decision to stay, but Ivan’s confession threw her into quite a quandary.  To complicate matters, time was rapidly slipping by, and she had no desire to impede the departure of the rest of the crew.  Glancing at the display, the countdown timer showed three minutes and ten seconds. 
Barely enough time to get in the CRV
, she thought.

“Ivan, no!  You must go.  There is no time to debate this.  I will be fine.  I will, I promise!” She tried to pull away from Ivan, but he held her tighter.

“Then I will stay here with you,” Ivan said, softly but firmly.

Susan pulled back with a surprised look and gazed deep into Ivan’s dark eyes, wanting so much to surrender to him.  Her head took control over her heart, and she knew she couldn’t agree to his offer.  “No! You can’t do that!  Ivan, listen, please!  You have a life waiting for you down there.  I do not.  Don’t you understand that?  You have people who love you, and care for you, and are waiting for you to return.  I don’t—”

“You will have me,” Ivan interjected.

“No, Ivan, I can’t do that. You don’t know what you are getting yourself into.  Who knows what the future is going to bring.  You will be better off facing that with your family.  You must go.  Please…please understand that I…” Susan fought with herself not to let the words escape, but she was too weak and too tired at this time and they flowed from her in a whisper, “…I love you too, Ivan, and I would not be able to live with myself if I knew that I was the reason for you never seeing your family again!” Ivan didn’t answer but looked deep into her teary brown eyes, pulled her close and kissed her lips softly. 

Time slowed, and for an instant all their problems, urgencies, troubles and fears were now very, very far away.  Their universe consisted of two fragile bodies clinging together as one, lips melding, warm breath from one sustaining the other.  Susan’s mind was spinning from the emotions that had been repressed for so long.  Ivan felt Susan’s tense body relax as he gently stroked her hair and let one kiss flow into another.  Their moment, which seemed a blissful eternity, was suddenly shattered as a squeak escaped from the hinges on the module’s hatch, announcing that someone was coming in. 

Quickly separating, Ivan turned to the computer display and watched the countdown time intently while Susan gazed out of the porthole, as if deep in thought.  “I take it we aren’t boarding the CRV?” Paul asked in a puzzled voice.  They turned to see Paul’s face looking in with Jerry, Alexander and Nicholas peering over his shoulder.

Ivan gave Susan a long intense stare and then turned to Paul.  “Susan is not coming with us,” he said dejectedly. 

Paul squinted his eyes in confusion as he looked toward Susan for an explanation, which did not come, and then back to Ivan.  “What are you saying, she’s not coming?”

Jerry piped up. “If she doesn’t want to go back, then fine, let’s get going!  We’re running out of time!”

“SHUT UP, JERRY!” Paul and Ivan shouted in unison, causing Jerry to immediately retreat.

Pointing toward the timer on the display, Ivan said, “It does not really matter now, we have less than a minute to get to the CRV, and that is not enough time to secure it for launch.  We will now have to wait for the next window.”

Jerry pushed into the compartment, “Damn you, Susan—” But that was all he got out before Alexander’s meaty hand reached in, grabbed Jerry by the collar and jerked him out of the compartment.  “We will keep Jerry quiet while you talk,” Nicholas said, as he pulled the hatch closed muffling Jerry’s yelps of protest.

Paul moved in closer to Ivan and Susan and spoke in a quiet voice, “I had a feeling this was the problem.  Susan, I was wrong when I said I would be better off staying here.  I know how you feel, I was there not six hours ago, but you must remember that you can still be an important part of what goes on down there.  With your skills and knowledge there will be plenty for you to do and you
will
make a difference for many people who might not have a chance if you stay here.  Remember what you said to me in the cupola not too long ago?  Think about that.  You gave me a reason to go back, it is the same reason why you should return.”

“Yes, Paul, I remember what I said.  But, at that time I was not aware of this aeroponics experiment.  You had no chance for survival once the current supplies ran out, but I will be able to extend those ten or twenty times as long, or more.  I am
not
giving up, I am fighting to survive on
my
terms under conditions of
my
choosing!”

Paul shook his head.  “What experiment? He asked.

Ivan said, “It is like hydroponics, but using a different medium to nourish the plants.”

Paul looked at Ivan as he digested his description and then turned to Susan shaking his head.  “Susan, you are not thinking clearly!  You are counting on a hundred percent success in this experiment!  You know that’s unrealistic!  What happens if you only get a seventy percent yield, or twenty-five percent, or it fails altogether?  Then you’re no better off than I would have been.” Ivan floated quietly to the side, looking from Susan to Paul and nodding his head in agreement with Paul.  Susan didn’t answer Paul’s questions but contemplated them quietly.

Before Paul could continue with his case, or Susan could provide a rebuttal, the hatch swung open and Alexander and Nicholas floated in.  They joined Ivan, Paul and Susan in silence and for the moment no one noticed the absence of Jerry as all eyes were trained on Susan waiting for her response.

“I don’t know,” she said.  “I know this may not be the most logical decision, but I also know that I don’t want to go back to deal with what is left of our planet.” Susan tugged at the cuff of her suit and looked about the room, first at the walls and then at the faces looking back at her.  Suddenly she realized that Jerry was not among them.  Turning to Alexander, she asked where he was.