Authors: R Davison
Alexander and Nicholas looked at each other and grinned. “Well, let me say that he is out of the way at the moment,” said Alexander.
Susan didn’t feel at ease with that bit of information and pressed the cosmonauts for a more definitive answer. “What exactly is, ‘out of the way’”?
Nicholas answered, “He is locked inside the module next to this one.” Quickly he added, “It was Alexander’s suggestion.” Alexander did not look too comfortable with this credit.
“The centrifuge?” Susan asked abruptly.
“No,” Alexander responded, looking at Nicholas for support. “It was not the centrifuge, it was the other one…I do not remember the name. Do you Nicholas?”
Susan interrupted before Nicholas could reply. “Leonardo? The MPLM?”
“Yes,” Nicholas replied, “it was the Italian name, Leonardo. Why?”
“Oh damn!” Susan shouted as she pushed past the two bewildered cosmonauts and shot out of the compartment. They looked to Ivan for an explanation, but were distracted by the crashing sound of a hatch being thrown open against its stops, and Susan yelling at Jerry to get out of the module.
“Hey,” Jerry yelled back. “It wasn’t my idea to get in here!”
“Just get out, now!” Susan shouted even louder.
“Alright, alright! I’m out!” Jerry floated out of the cargo module and kept his distance from Susan as he moved quickly toward Kibo’s open hatch.
Ivan, suppressing a smile, finally answered Nicholas’ question. “The equipment that Susan needs for the Kibo experiment is stored in the Multi-Purpose Logistics Module, the MPLM, or Leonardo.”
“Oh!” said Alexander and Nicholas together as their faces turned red, and they both stammered an apology, trying to explain that they did not mean any harm. Ivan reassured them that Susan would understand and would not take it personally. Still red-faced, they left together to personally apologize to Susan.
Susan carefully checked the inventory in the Leonardo module. Once she had ascertained that Jerry had not tinkered with the cargo, she left and headed to the cupola. She needed a few moments alone to think, and the cupola provided her a place to do that with a nice view of Earth.
That may or may not be a good thing to look at now
, she thought. It was all so clear to her not twenty minutes ago. She knew then that she wanted to stay on the station, but now things had gotten quite muddied with Ivan’s confession and Paul’s lecture.
Susan reminded herself that once the CRV left the station, the choice was permanent. Whether she was on it or not, she would be committed to that reality for the rest of her life. To make matters worse, she now had to deal with the emotional interference that her heart was creating for her. It was a lot easier when she didn’t know Ivan’s true feelings, she thought bitter-sweetly.
Settling in the cupola, she looked at the planet through the thick glass. They were again on the dark side of Earth, but shortly the station would experience another sunrise. She could see the fringes of the upper atmosphere of the planet glowing from the scattered sunlight. Susan tried to imagine that she was alone on the station, and this was her only contact with her home world. “How does it feel?” she asked herself aloud. Focusing on the dark ocean below, she tried to force the rest of the group out of her mind as if she had not seen them for months, but it was difficult.
She tried to imagine what her days would be like: Waking up and checking the station’s status, tending her garden in the Kibo module, having a breakfast of vegetables fresh off the vine, working on some experiment she had devised, writing extensively in her journal all that she felt, saw and did, for the benefit of some future astronaut. What about emergencies? What if you had to do an EVA to repair damage to the hull, or some system outside, would you be able to do that unassisted?
Susan worked hard to bring the image together of doing an unassisted EVA. The thought was scary, being alone and outside the station with no one there to help if you had a failure in your suit, or were to inadvertently separate from the station. She shuddered at the thought of floating forever in space as a small moonlet for the station. You could do it, she tried to convince herself; all it takes is preparation, planning, and very careful execution.
You know the mechanics, you can learn the procedures, you can do this
, she insisted to herself.
The sunrise was rapidly approaching and Susan anticipated the warmth she would feel when the sunlight flooded the cupola. She moved closer to the window and pushed herself to continue her analysis.
What about the loneliness, does that scare you too?
she questioned. Deep down, Susan knew that the reality of being alone was far different from anything she might be able to imagine. Total isolation, what kind of price tag is that going to carry? She wanted to fight her battle on her terms, with dignity and courage, but what if she were to go crazy from the loneliness and isolation? What dignity would she have then? Could she survive the loneliness? That was a very big unknown to Susan, and it shook her confidence to her very core. “Is it better to die from starvation on Earth or die a mad-woman in space?” she murmured aloud. Susan let her mind wander as she watched the sunbeams play through the atmosphere below the station.
Pressing on to an even more difficult topic she had to ask: What about Ivan? Susan thought about the kiss he gave her and caught herself smiling.
Poor Ivan
, she thought,
he has always been there for me and has always made me feel good even when he wasn’t trying to
. She thought about all the little things that happened between them in the years past and how she didn’t give them a second thought, until now. Now, those little things spoke volumes when she examined them in this new light. Ivan was nothing if not shy and bashful when it came to women, she acknowledged. The little things he did were his way of opening up the door for me to respond and invite him in.
How stupid I was
! she scolded herself. She looked at her reflection in the window and saw that she was smiling again. She also saw Alexander’s reflection behind hers and jumped.
Alexander quickly apologized for startling her, and added, “I was glad to see you smiling, you have not been doing much of that since I have met you.”
Susan could feel herself blush, not so much from what Alexander said, but for the reason she was smiling. She was not sure if anyone on the station knew how she and Ivan felt about each other. She hoped that Alexander didn’t notice her embarrassment, or hear her talking to herself.
Alexander looked past Susan’s reddened cheeks toward the planet below. “I have been in space for a long time, but I know that I will never tire of watching that magnificent globe spin below me,” he said. Susan turned to look at Earth, and they admired its natural beauty together in silence for a few moments.
“You know,” Susan said quietly, “I always knew that something like this could happen to our planet. But deep in the back of my mind, I always thought that there would be someone watching over us, observing us, to come to our rescue. Someone to push the killer asteroid out of the way. I don’t know who or what, maybe some alien species that would save us at the last moment, or maybe God.” She drew a deep breath, watched the planet below them revolve for a moment longer, then added, “I must have watched too much science fiction on TV when I was younger! This is reality!” Remembering Alexander’s comments before her musings, Susan quickly asked, “Did you find a lot of time to stare out of the window when you were on MIR?”
Alexander stifled a little chuckle. “Our ground controllers went out of their way to make sure that every waking moment was filled with useful things to do and looking out the viewport at Earth was not considered useful.” He added in a whisper, “But we always made time to check on Mother Earth!”
Susan laughed, and nodded her head in agreement. “I know,” she said, “we were always kept quite busy on the shuttle. I would think that things on the station would be a bit more relaxed than on the shuttle. You would have more time in orbit to do the things you needed.”
“Well, they tried to keep us busy all the time to maximize the profits for the station. My favorite thing to do was to anchor myself by the viewport facing Earth when it was time for sleep. Then I would just watch the swirling white clouds and the blue water with the green and brown land in between just float by. The next thing I knew, it was time to start the day all over again. Ahh, it can be so peaceful from up here.” Alexander sighed as his eyes moved back to the planet.
Susan’s smile faded and as she continued to look at the dark side of Earth. She asked, “Alexander, how long have you been in space? I mean, how much time have you spent in orbit?”
Thinking for a moment, he replied, “I really do not know! I stopped counting after I passed four hundred days and that was a while ago on MIR.” He watched the slivers of sunlight flicker through the thin atmosphere and reflect off Susan’s hair as she floated in front of him. “Why do you ask?”
“You weren’t in space continuously for over four hundred days, were you?” she asked.
Alexander thought about his career, how much time he spent preparing for his first journey into space and the subsequent trips he made thereafter. “No, I have been in space on six separate occasions. The last stay on MIR was over three hundred days, I think.” He looked at Susan’s somber face and wondered what she was thinking, and where she was going with her questions.
“What is it like to be in orbit for so long?” Susan inquired.
“It was wonderful! It was hard work, but it was fun! As soon as I returned to Earth, I was always trying to find the quickest path to get back into orbit. I probably made a pain out of myself, pestering everyone and anyone I could to get back on the mission roster. You know, there is something very magical about being in space, the least of which is this beautiful view of our home,” he said pointing toward the planet filling the window. “It is just as magical to look out toward the stars once you are on the dark side of Earth. I would feel this sense of…
unity
—if that is the correct word—with everything. Just watching those points of light and wondering if there was someone in orbit around their home planet looking back at me. It makes one feel very small when you consider how vast this universe is.”
Susan thought about what Alexander said and nodded her head in agreement. “Yes, there is something very magical about it, I feel that too. I also know what you mean about feeling small, it is very humbling to look into the vastness of space and consider that we exist on this very small oasis.”
Susan was quiet for a few seconds before she finally asked, “Alexander, would you stay in space if you had a choice?”
Alexander turned from watching the rising sun to look into Susan’s eyes. He paused for a few seconds while his eyes adjusted to the dark interior of the cupola and he composed his answer. “Susan, to be in space is a wonderful experience, but it is one that does come with a certain amount of danger and risk. I loved being on MIR, but I knew that I could always return home to Earth, aboard Soyuz, if things went wrong. You do not have that safety factor for what you are contemplating. You will also not have the safety factor of a companion to keep an eye on you, and to keep you company. Even with the two of us on MIR, it could get very lonely at times.” He stopped talking and tried to read Susan’s face to gather some clues as to what she was thinking. The pensive expression he saw only told him that she was having a very fierce battle inside.
Susan turned away from Alexander’s probing stare and looked out the window again. She knew Alexander spoke the truth, as did Ivan and Paul. It did not make it any easier to make her decision knowing that bit of information. She had doubts about herself and she knew she must face them now, not later, and maybe Alexander could help. “Alexander…” Susan started and then hesitated.
“Yes?” he said.
Susan paused for a few moments, as she carefully chose her words. “Alexander, do you think that I am just running away from the reality that exists down below by choosing to stay on the station? Does it make sense for someone to choose the isolation provided by the station in orbit, over the known, and unknown hardships and possible companionship awaiting one on Earth? Or am I just being a coward?…Sorry, for all the questions!”
Alexander turned to look at the bright clouds floating below them as he contemplated Susan’s questions. “You do not ask simple questions,” he said, shaking his head while still watching the clouds below. “Susan, you ask if I think are you running away. You are not running from a difficult situation to one that is easier. Each path you are contemplating is going to have challenges beyond what you might imagine now. They may also provide you with more pleasant times beyond what you might imagine possible. These are unknowns that everyone must face everyday of their lives just because of the uncertainty of life. You have to weigh the odds based on your experience and knowledge as to which is the most secure path for you.”
Alexander paused and took a deep breath before he continued with his response. “Are you a coward for staying on the station? I think that you would be choosing a very difficult path to stay here; therefore, I would not think you a coward to do that. Returning to our home is going to take a lot of courage, also. There are going to be a great many challenges we will have to negotiate as individuals and as a civilization to survive this disaster. It is not going to be easy for anyone, and I have no feeling for what our odds of survival are. In time our fates will show themselves.”