“But I guess I was mean to them sometimes,” said Caroline. “I used to lynch Howard’s teddy bear. And let the air out of his bicycle tires so he couldn’t follow me.”
Hannah laughed: “Well, it couldn’t have been easy, being exto take care of someone who’d replaced you. After all, he meant more work and less attention for you. You’d be entitled to dislike him.”
Each of her children turned into a total dingbat as the next arrived home from the hospital-wetting the bed, stammering, forgetting how to tie shoes, sucking thumbs, trying to nurse again. Poor little maniacs.
“But I didn’t. I was crazy about Howard. Still am.”
“Good,” said Hannah, watching one side of Caroline’s face contort into a grimace that contradicted her words. “And what’s just hapwith Diana? Didn’t you say she’s been flirting with a new young woman? Just as you’re starting to feel happier and stronger?”
Caroline gave a dazed smile and looked down at her fingernails. “I don’t know, it sounds farfetched to me.” But what had Diana said the other night? If
you realize how neat you are, why would you want to 6e with me?
“I agree.” Hannah still found it
astonishing, even after all these years of helping clients excavate their patterns and of watching her own in operation. “If you felt a sexual attraction to Arlene, she probafelt it too,” said Hannah, trying to make the most of Caroline’s confusion. “And lots of heterosexuals are terrified of their homosexual impulses.”
Caroline looked up from her study of her fingernails. “Are you saying everyone is homosexual?”
“One of my clients used to say she was trisexual-she’d try anything sexual.”
Hannah reflected that at various times she’d have fucked anything-trees, dogs, vegetables. It had a lot to do with hormones and very little to do with true love.
Caroline was laughing. Then she stopped abruptly.
Hannah was
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not only not respectable, she was downright kinky.
Caroline studied8Diana thinks you’ve put me up to dating Mr. Right,” said Caroher bare feet with bewildermentddline, to break the silence.
“I think we’re all bisexual,” said
Hannah, “and make choices8I don’t care whom or what you date.”
based on social pressures and family dynamics.88That’s what I told her.”
“Choices?“8Does Mr. Right have a real name?”
“That’s what life is all about.“8Brian Stone.”
“Becoming a lesbian sure didn’t feel like a choice.” She studiedHannah nodded and said nothing.
She’d done counseling with
Hannah in her natty blazer and gray flannel slacks. This respecta89m and his wife while they were splitting. A nice man, dedicated to middle-aged lady was apparently acknowledging her own bisexuality.his profession, but remote and workaholic. Caroline was zeroing in on But had she felt desire for a woman so compelling that she couldn’tDaddy again, just like a homing pigeon. And no doubt about to shed
eat, sleep, or concentrate, so all-encompassing that when she dreamedDiana in the process.
it was of nothing but caressing a naked female body?
As Caroline had8And Diana’s not too pleased?”
in relation to both Clea and Diana. Hannah always looked calm and8hope,” said Caroline with a grin.
If Diana was coming around,
cool. Caroline tried to picture her face flushed from passion, her sharpshe was certainly taking her time. She’d been out with Suzanne last blue eyes unfocused with desire. She realized with a jolt that she’d like night, coming home early in the morning to shower and change before to take Hannah to bed and make her care whether Caroline returnedleaving for work.
for her next appointment, make her feel sexual obsession so strongly8Whom do you want?”
she’d be compelled to doubt her own bland convictions ab8I don’t know. Both maybe.” Caroline jutted out her jaw defi8choice.” antly.
Caroline lowered her eyes. Jesus. Hannah said Arlene would haveHannah smiled and gestured with her cigarette hand. “Be
felt Caroline’s attraction to her. Did this mean Hannah was awaremy guest.”
of it too?
Caroline looked at her. She didn’t really mean that. She talked a
“Caroline, do you understand you’re going to try to get me togood liberal line, but she’d had the same husband for eighty-six years
reject you?” Sometimes just saying this was enough to subvert theor something. However she sounded, she was a pillar of conventioncompulsion. Other clients wouldn’t have been sidetracked by Arma-ality. If Caroline called her bluff and came on with her, she’d flip out.
geddon. Hannah watched Caroline eyeing her speculatively. Asking her if
“Why would I do that?” she’d had a relationship with Arlene had probably put ideas in her “Because it’s what you’re used to, what you’re geared for. Whathead. Maybe that question was a mistake? She remembered her own
you need
in order to move on.” horror at finding herself attracted to Maggie during therapy. She told “But that’s about the last thing I want, and I thought it was all aherf it was disgusting, she a middle-aged mother and Maggie a
question of choice,” Caroline threw out tauntingly.
grandmother. But the feelings kept coming. One day out of the blue
Hannah looked at her for a while, then smiled faintly. “ConsciousMaggie asked, “Is it really so terrible to want to be close to someone choices aren’t always in agreement with unconscious ones. That’s whyyou care about, Hannah?”
we’re trying to bring the unconscious ones out for an airing. To see if8What?” asked Hannah warily, sitting on the couch in Maggie’s they’re what you really want.” She drew on her cigarette and flickedoffice studying the pattern of the wine and blue Oriental carpet.
the ash into the hollow stone, reflecting that it was even more compli-“Look, I know what you’re feeling for me, and it’s okay. It’s normal
Gated than that.
in therapy. It’s normal whenever people open themselves up to
r6o
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each other. Normal, and not very important. Just because we have the misfortune to live in a culture that says it’s abnormal doesn’t make it so.”
Gradually the urgency faded, and the issue was never referred to again in the subsequent fifteen years of close friendship. Maggie had always gone for the jugular as a therapist. She claimed once in New York a man in a raincoat exposed himself to her on the street. She grabbed him by the arm, saying, “Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t do anything with that.” And dragged him upstairs to her office for an hour of therapy. Being British, Hannah tended to operate with more guile. So she smiled pleasantly at Caroline and allowed her to exit, still in the grip of all those disturbing and revealing feelings.
Caroline was walking down a sidewalk. In the grass sat a small boy holding a wild thrush.
He tossed it into the air. The bird flapped its wings frantically. The boy held a string tied to its leg, with which he hauled it back in. Caroline walked over to him. “Is that your bird?”
“Yes.”
“Where did you get it?”
“Trapped it.” He clutched it in one fist. She realized if she angered him, he’d tighten the fist.
“Don’t you think you should let it go?” Nope.”
Caroline looked around for his parents, or a policeman.
Hannah marched up and yelled, “Let that bird go, you little. creep!”
Startled, he did so, the bird’s leg trailing the string in flight. Hannah looked at Caroline with raised eyebrows.
Sunlight on Caroline’s face prodded her awake like a cat’s paw. She tried to remember her dream. Which had left her feeling hopeful. Something about a bird. As she stretched, she realized she was getting middle-aged. For the past fifteen years she’d usually managed to wake up next to someone, but these days she actually preferred waking up alone. You could stretch without disturbing your bedmate. You could drift on the wind currents of your dreams without rolling into some-WOMEN
one’s insistent earth-bound arms. You could feel the sunlight creep across your covers leaving patches of warmth, without having to put into words how billowy the clouds out the window looked, how blusthe wind that was shaking the window next to the loom. Waking up with someone was the ultimate in intimacy. She recalled people toward whom she’d felt, If you want sex with me, fine; but if you want to wake up next to me in the morning, forget it.
Caroline could hear Suzanne and Diana giggling upstairs. She could be giggling with Brian right now, if she too had the ethics of a skunk. They’d gone for dinner last night to an old stone inn on the far side of town. As they walked in, across wide pine floorboards, Caroline spotted
Hannah at a table in the corner, with a distinguished-looking man with thinning white hair.
Hannah wore a tailored pinstriped suit with a skirt, and a coral silk blouse. She was leaning forward, smiling into the man’s eyes.
Caroline gripped Brian’s arm convulsively.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I just saw someone I don’t want to talk to.”
The tune “I Only Have Eyes for You” was running through her head. Only it wasn’t true. Hannah turned those dazzling blue eyes onto a host of other people. Caroline felt swamped with jealousy. This is ridiculous, she told herself as the hostess ushered them into another room, with a low ceiling, hand-hewn beams, and a huge stone fireplace with a mantel lined with pewter plates and tankards.
As Caroline drank a Manhattan and chatted with Brian about his operations for that day, she reclaimed her composure. In the middle of a hysterectomy, she saw Hannah and the man walk past the window next to her table and over to Hannah’s copper-colored Mercury. The man unlocked her door and opened it. As Hannah turned to get in, he pinched her ass. She laughed and poked him in the ribs with her elbow. Caroline watched, outraged. How dare he demean her like that? How dare she enjoy it?
was … if you don’t have ovaries, you don’t need a uterus,” Brian was saying, “so I take out the entire shooting match.”
“I see,” said Caroline, intent on the departing Mercury. Marriage, that grotesque institution Caroline felt such contempt far, worked for OTHER
Hannah and her husband. Caroline could see from their faces and gestures that they were happy. She sat in shocked disbelief, playing with the maraschino cherry in her drink.
was … that way you don’t have to go back in again a few years later to remove a cancerous uterus.”
“What?” asked Caroline. “Oh yes, I see.”
She was thinking about her own marriage to Jackson.
It had consisted almost entirely of waiting. Waiting around the phone hoping he’d return her calls, waiting for the boys to wake from their naps so she’d have someone to talk to, waiting with supper in the oven to see if he’d come home, waiting to go to sleep in case he showed up wanting a late-night meal, waiting in bed for him not to be too tired to make love, waiting in the soft gray light of the Newton dawn with her arms around a king-sized pillow for him to return home after dashing out in the middle of the night to an emergency, waiting for the man who’d courted her with such flair and enthusiasm to reemerge. She’d been an expert at waiting, until she couldn’t wait any longer and walked out.
“What about you?” asked Brian, cutting his ham.
“Excuse me?”
“I said what about you?” He raised a piece of meat to his mouth on his fork.
“What about me?”
“What was your day like?”
“Fine, thanks. Nothing unusual.” She’d thought that was the nature of marriage. But Hannah’s marriage wasn’t like that.
“Tell me about your exhusband.”
Thinking Brian must be telepathic, Caroline said, “There’s not much to tell. We met while I was working at Mass General. He was a resident. The usual: We dated, fucked, married, had kids, and diin that order.” She poked at her butternut squash with her fork, recalling the first time she ever saw Jackson, at the ER admissions desk in his white lab coat and tie, dark hair falling into his eyes. He looked at her name tag and called her Miss Kelley, whisking around issuing orders with brisk efficiency. Absorbing his commands, Carothought to herself: It’s okay, I can handle this guy. As he strode away down the corridor, the nurse standing beside her said in a low l
I
“I wonder if that man ever takes time out to eat pussy.”
o ce,
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Caroline was at one of the many low points in her life. Without Arlene she had no magic. When the bloodied victims of car wrecks or knife fights rolled through the ER doors, she wanted to run the other way. A young girl with meningitis died in her arms one morning at dawn. She didn’t know whom she’d been trying to kid passing herself off as a healer. She developed a rash all over her body and began lying around her darkened apartment missing work. Her colleagues started to notice her listless distraction and kept asking if she was all right. Night after night in her apartment, pill bottles lined up beside her, she watched on the evening news as one American city after another flared up in flames of racial frustration. Soon whites would be butchering blacks in the streets, the gutters clotted with blood. It wouldn’t end until the black race was extinct. It was summer, and after the news she’d lie on her carpet in a pool of sweat as through her open windows drifted noises from car crashes on Route 9, and the screams of muggers’ victims. But there was nothing she could do except eye those pill bottles.
At the hospital Jackson and she nearly tripped over each other several times turning corners. Eventually he exchanged a sentence or two with her during such a collision. And late one night they sat on a stretcher outside an X-ray room and talked long enough for Caroline to learn he’d grown up in a tract house in Springfield, where his father worked in the Smith and Wesson factory, put himself through Tufts on scholarships and part-time jobs, lived alone in a Back Bay apartHe looked startled to hear himself inviting her to dinner at Jimmy’s Harborside that weekend.
As they ate clams casino, lobster, Caesar salad, and drank Chateau Lafitte,
they looked out on the harbor, where gulls mewed and swooped among the masts of docked sailing yachts.