Authors: Philip Roth
assassination of a President that we did on the last
one."
"What sort of criticism do you mean?"
"Well, last time there was just some kind of cloud
over the whole thing, wasn't there? Credibility gap
and so on. People thinking they weren't getting the
straight story. Accusing us of covering up and being
caught off guard and so on. Well, this time it's going
to be different, I can assure you. This time we have
the weapon and a fairly good idea of who did it
beforehand, and we're really only waiting for word
that it actually happened, to make an arrest. After a
decent interval, of course, just so it doesn't look as
though we picked up the first poor slob we found in
the gutter."
"Is it a Boy Scout? That is, will it be a Boy Seout,
if and when?"
"Well, of course I am only a law enforcement
officer. I don't decide who commits the crimes, I
just catch them, after that decision has been made
by the proper authorities. I will say this, however.
We would not have decided on a Boy Scout knife as
the murder weapon, if we didn't think there was a
good strong motive to go with
146
OUR GANG
it. That was one of the troubles with the last
assassination: didn't have a good strong motive to
go with it. After all, we are talking about the
assassination of the highest elected officer in the
land. People like a good strong motive when
something like that happens, and I can't say that I
blame them. That's why this time we intend to give
it to them. Otherwise, you're just going to get your
national disunity, your credibility gap, your doubt,
and your cloud over the whole thing."
"And you honestly think that this Boy Scout
knife will clear up such doubt and incredulity?"
"Why? Don't you?"
"Well, it's not for me to say. I'm just an
objective reporter."
"No, no, go ahead, say. What do you think? Just
because you're objective doesn't necessarily make
you a fool. You don't find the Boy Scout knife
convincing? Is that it?"
"But what I think isn't at issue-either this is or is
not the murder weapon."
"In other words, you're implying that it does
seem to you far-fetched. Good enough. What would
you think of this, then?"
"That?"
"Yes, sir-a Louisville Slugger. Curt Flood's very
own baseball bat. Let me show you on this model
here of the President's head the kind of damage you
can do with one of these things.
THE ASSASSINATION OF TRICKY
147
Remember, before, when I said `bludgeoned'? Well,
watch this."
To the White House now, for an important
announcement by the President's Bilge Secretary.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to make the
following announcement concerning the President's
health. At midnight last night the President entered
Walter Reed Army Hospital for minor surgery
involving the surgical removal of the sweat glands
from his upper lip."
"Can you spell that, Blurb?"
"Lip. L-i-p."
"And the first word?"
"Upper. U-p-p-e-r ... Now as you know, the
President has always wanted to do everything he
could to gain the trust and the confidence and, if it
was within the realm of possibility, the affection of
the American people. It was his belief that if he
could stop sweating so much along his upper lip
when he addressed the nation, the great majority of
the American people would come to believe he was
an honest man, speaking the truth, and maybe even
like him a little better. Now this is not to say that
people who sweat Along the upper lip are
necessarily liars and/or unlikable. Many people who
sweat profusely along the upper lip are outstanding
citizens in their communities and sweat the way they
do because of the many civic duties they are called
148
OUR GANG
upon to perform. Then too there are a lot of good,
hard-working ordinary citizens who simply sweat
along the upper lip as a matter of course
That is really all I have to say to you at this
hour, ladies and gentlemen. I wouldn't have
bothered to call you together like this, had it not
been for the continuing rumors that it was the
President's `hip' that had required surgery. There is
absolutely no truth to that whatsoever, and I wanted
you to be the first to know. I hope by tomorrow in
fact to have available for you x-ray photos of the
President's hip that will make it absolutely clear that
it is in perfect condition."
"Which hip will that be, Blurb?"
"The left hip."
"What about the right one?"
"We'll try to get those to you within the week. I
assure you that we're working to clear this thing up
just as fast as we can. We don't want the people
in
this country to go around thinking the President has
something wrong with his hips any more than you
do."
"What about the reports that he's dead, Blurb?"
"I have nothing to say about that at this time."
"But Secretary Lard was seen weeping as he
left Walter Reed today. Surely that suggests that
President Dixon is dead."
"Not necessarily. It could just as well mean
THE ASSASSINATION OF TRICKY
149
that he's alive. I'm not going to speculate either way,
gentlemen, in a matter this serious."
"What about reports that he's been murdered by a
Boy Scout gone berserk?"
"We're looking into that, and if there's any truth
at all to that story, I assure you, we'll be in touch
with you about it."
"Can, you say anything definite about his condition
at all?"
"He's resting comfortably."
"Are the sweat glands out? And if so, can we see
them?"
"No comment. Moreover, it would really be up to
the First Lady anyway, whether she wanted the
President's sweat glands to be made available for
photographers and so on. I think she might want to
keep something as personal as those glands just for
the immediate family, and maybe eventually build a
Trick E. Dixon Library at Prissier in which to house
them."
"Can you tell us how big they are, Blurp?"
"'Well, I would imagine that given the sheer
amount of sweating he used to do, they were pretty
good-sized. But I'm only guessing. I haven't seen
them."
"Blurb, is there any truth to the report that while
at Walter Reed he was also going to have surgery
done to prevent his eyes from shifting?"
"No comment."
"Does that mean they were gouged out?"
150 OUR GANG
"No comment."
"Will the eyes be in the Trick E. Dixon Library
at Prissier too, Blurb?"
"Once again, that would be entirely up to the
First Lady."
"Blurb, what about his gestures? He's been
criticized for a certain unnaturalness, or falseness, in
his gestures. They don't always seem tied in to what
he's saying. If he's still alive, are there any plans for
him to have that fixed too? And if so, how? Can
they sort of get him synchronized in that
department?"
"Gentlemen, I'm sure the doctors are going to do
everything they can to make him appear as honest
as possible."
"One last question, Blurb. If he's dead, that would
make Mr. What's-his-name the President. Is there
any truth to the rumor that you people are
postponing the announcement of Dixon's death
because you're looking for a last-minute
replacement for What's-his-name? Is that why Mr.
What's-his-name himself keeps denying so
vehemently the reports that the President is deadfor
fear of being dumped?"
"Gentlemen, I think you know as well as I do
that the Vice President is not the kind of man who
would want to be President of the United States if
he felt there was any doubt as to his qualifications
for the office. That's f of even a question I will take
seriously."
TAE ASSASSINATION OF TRICKY 151
"Good evening. This is Erect Severehead with a
cogent news analysis from the nation's capital ... A
hushed hush pervades the corridors of power. Great
men whisper whispers while a stunned capital
awaits. Even the cherry blossoms along the
Potomac seem to sense the magnitude. And
magnitude there is. Yet magnitude there has been
before, and the nation has survived. A mood of
cautious optimism surged forward just at dusk.
Then set the age-old sun behind these edifices of
reason, and gloom once more descended. Yet
gloom there has been, and in the end the nation has
survived. For the principles are everlasting, though
the men be mortal. And it is that very mortality that
the men in the corridors of power demonstrate. For
no one dares to play politics with the
momentousness of a tragedy of such scope, or the
scope of a tragedy of such momentousness. If
tragedy it be. Yet tragedies there have been, and the
nation founded upon hope and trust in man and the
deity, has continued to survive. Still, in this worried
capital tonight, men watch and men wait. So too do
women and children in this worried capital tonight
watch and wait. This is Erect Severehead From
Washington, D.C."
"-the flag-burners, the faggots, the fairies, the
filth peddlers, the Fabian Socialists of yore,
152 OUR GANG
the fair-weather friends, the fairies, the faithless,
the flesh-show operators-"
We interrupt the Vice President's address to the
National Primates Association to bring you the
following bulletin. A troop of Boy Scouts from
Boston, Massachusetts, the home state of Senator
Edward Charisma, has confessed to the murder of
the President of the United States. The FBI has
declined to give their names until such time as the
President's murder has been announced by the
White House. The Boy Scouts are being held
without bail, and according to the FBI the case is,
quote cinched unquote. The murder weapon, which
at first was believed to be the very knife that the
President had exhibited on television during his
famous "Something Is Rotten in Denmark" speech,
is now identified as a Louisville Slugger baseball bat,
formerly the property of Washington Senator center
fielder Curt Flood. We return you to Vice President
What's-his-name at the Primates convention: