Authors: Jessica Wilde
Even with all the time we had
spent together and all the tension that electrified the room when we were
together, I had held on to the pieces of my heart, but my grip was loosening
and I was getting tired of holding on.
Andrew seemed just as nervous
when he first walked in after Liv left, but must have gotten over it quickly.
That, or he just hid it really well.
"So, what do you want to
do?" he asked with a grin.
"I have no idea."
"Me neither."
We both chuckled and decided to
start with cookies and milk at the kitchen table.
After three excruciating minutes
of only the sound of chewing and swallowing, Andrew asked about my plans for
the 4th of July.
"I haven't really thought
about it. Do they have a big parade around here?"
"Oh yeah, I was actually
planning on taking some chairs down the night before and saving a spot for you,
Liv, and me. Does that sound okay?"
I nodded and took a big bite of
chocolate chip cookie and gave up a tiny piece of my heart to him.
"Great. Then after, they
have a big fair at the park with rides and booths and pretty good music. It
might be pretty hot out, but we could check it out for a little while until
Olivia's nap time."
I nodded again and took a gulp of
milk, giving yet another piece.
"We could do a barbeque that
night with Maddy and Ty, if you want, then go to the high school and watch the
fireworks. Will Olivia like those?"
I shrugged and struggled to hold
on to what was left. He had obviously been planning a nice day for us and I was
grateful we were always on his mind, that Olivia was his priority. "I'm
not sure," I answered him. "She has never seen any. There is a good
chance she will love them or just fall asleep by that time."
"It's all planned then. I
can't wait to see her face when she sees those fireworks for the first time.
I'll have to make sure Maddy brings her camera to capture that." He was
smiling and staring off into space, imagining Olivia's reaction.
I couldn't take my eyes off of
him and I watched his deep blue ones brighten when he looked at me. I thought
about how much he had done for me already and how happy Olivia and I had been
the last several weeks. He had slowly become an intricate part of our lives,
something to look forward to, and that scared the hell out of me. Thinking of
not seeing him every day was like a punch to my gut. The only problem was that
he didn't know my secrets and hadn't really asked about them. I didn't really
give him a chance to and hadn't really decided if I was going to just tell him
or wait for him to ask, but looking at him now and seeing how much he cared
about Olivia… I just couldn't stand the thought of keeping him in the dark when
he was starting to mean so much to me.
Our eyes were still locked and
his smile had faded. I couldn't be completely sure, but I thought I saw his
eyes shift down to my mouth for a split second. It made me consider that
perhaps he was feeling similar to how I was.
I forced myself to look away from
those ocean blue orbs and studied my glass of milk for a minute. I felt like an
idiot. I had made a whole speech about being nothing more than friends and now,
I wanted to turn back time and slap my hand over my mouth.
"You okay, Joss?"
He didn't use the nickname 'Joss'
for me very often, but when he did, it sent goose bumps up and down my body and
a pleasant warmth in my chest.
"Yeah," I said with a
genuine smile. "Better than okay."
He started to reach across the
kitchen table and was moving toward my hand and my heart thumped wildly against
my chest. When Saturday Night Fever started playing loudly from my phone on the
counter, he stopped just short and I groaned in exasperation.
"Seriously?" I said
firmly to myself and stood.
He chuckled softly, but followed
me with his eyes. At least, the tingling at the back of my neck told me he did.
I picked up the phone, "Hi
Benjamin." As soon as I said it, I realized that even after all this time,
Andrew had no idea who Benjamin was and his lips drooped into a frown. There
was still so much he didn't know and I knew then it was time to come clean, for
the most part.
"I haven't heard from you in
a couple of weeks. Just wanted to check on you. Is this a bad time?"
"Oh no, you're fine. We are
doing great! Just been busy." I glanced over at Andrew and he was now
studying the cookie in his hand and actually looked like he was counting the
chocolate chips, trying not to listen. I wanted to somehow reassure him that
Benjamin was not who he was probably thinking he was. "How are Linda and
the kids?" I asked and watched Andrew's lips twitch up into a grin as his
shoulders slumped in relief.
Interesting.
"They are really good. Linda
has been desperate to talk to you. She said the last time she talked to you,
you were with a
friend
? She has been anxious to get some details on this
friend, but only if it is a man. She was very specific about that."
"Ha! Well, tell her that as
soon as I know more, I will give her a call."
"Wait. He is with you right
now, isn't he?"
I forced myself not to look at
Andrew and make him suspicious, "Yep."
"Good. So, things are going
well?"
"Yep."
He groaned, "Oh come on,
Joss. You gotta give me
something
. She'll kick my ass if I don't get
more than that and you know it."
I laughed at that because there
had been many times that she
had
kicked his ass for not getting enough
information. Poor Ben was whipped.
"Anything, Joss. Hair color,
eye color, a name…
something
."
Andrew had moved to the sink and
was slowly rinsing out his glass a few feet away from me and looking quite
wary. My body was extremely aware of every move he made and when he turned to
face me, he looked like he was deep in thought and that whatever it was, it was
making him a little upset.
"Listen Ben, you tell Linda
that when you called, I was with
Andrew
and didn't want to talk to you
about anything because you forget what I really tell you and that I thought it
would be better to talk to her myself and give her all the details
correctly
.
That should keep her out of your hair until I get the chance to call."
"Well done. I wish you were
still here. We miss you, you know?" his voice was a little shaky and I
knew he was starting to regret things.
"I know, Ben. I miss you
guys, too. But don't forget that this is where I really want to be, regardless
of how I ended up here. Don't fret okay?"
He sighed and then cleared his
throat of any emotion, "Okay, Joss. You be good. Let me know if you need
anything okay?"
"I will. Thanks."
"Oh, and I am coming down
there in a while for one of those boring medical conferences in Portland. I'll
come visit if that's okay."
"Sounds good."
We said our goodbyes and I ended
the call and stared down at my phone. Andrew was leaning back against the
counter with his strong arms crossed over his broad chest and his gaze
penetrating through the side of me. When I finally looked up and locked eyes with
him, I knew that I needed to let him in. Keeping things from him would only
hurt us both in the end.
He beat me to it.
"I know that I've never
pressed you to talk about where you came from and what you left behind, and I
never will. I figured it was probably a sore subject by the way you always
avoided my questions." He saw that I was about to deny it, but cut me off
before I could. "Don't even try and deny it, Joss. You are too obvious and
you know it," he smiled. "I just hope you know that no matter what,
I'll still be here. For you
and
for Liv." His voice was smooth and
calming. I wanted him to keep speaking, saying anything, just to hear that
voice a little longer.
We stood there studying each
other for a few moments while I pulled my big girl panties on and took deep
breaths.
"That was Benjamin Moore. He
has been a friend since we were in junior high school. His wife, Linda, had
moved to town when we were seniors and we all became best friends right away. I
went to a local college after graduation and he moved out of state for school
so he could become a doctor. Linda stayed with me until he came back for her
the next summer and they got married, had a pair of twins 9 months later. He
was like a brother to me. My parents died a year later and he was the only
family I really had left."
"I'm sorry about your
parents. That must have been tough."
I nodded, "Yeah, it was.
Especially still being in the same neighborhood they had always lived in.
Everyone always had something to say, so it never really went away with time.
He talked me into moving to Seattle and being closer to them. Get a little
distance from everything else."
Andrew turned to face the counter
and rested on his elbows. I saw the curiosity burning through his eyes, but his
body language remained neutral. "I bet that was hard to leave them to come
here," he said.
"Yeah… it was at first, but
it was necessary. I love them. Their kids keep them busy, though, so I'm not
too worried, but if they were all that I was leaving behind, I wouldn't have
moved away."
He moved his hand on top of mine
and the feel of his warm skin sent my mind into overdrive. "I know it may
sound cold, but I'm glad there was more to leave. If not, I would have never
met you or Olivia." We both heard a groan coming from the corner of the
kitchen. "Or you Monty," Andrew chuckled.
That made me smile but tear up at
the same time. I pulled back the moisture and pulled on his hand, leading him
back to the kitchen table. I sat down, but he didn't let go. Instead, he did
the last thing I expected and it changed everything.
He raised my hand to his lips and
kissed it softly, making everything inside me turn gooey. The warmth of his
lips on my skin was still there when he released my hand. No one had ever done
that before. Kissed my hand. It was almost too much for me and it took me a few
seconds to remember how to breathe let alone speak.
"So, what else did you leave
behind?" he asked, acting as if the intimate act he was just a part of was
no big deal.
I wiped the shock off my face and
fortified my emotions.
Just a friendly kiss on the hand. No big deal,
I
said to myself. But I knew better and the look on Andrew's face told me he did,
too, but we both decided to just ignore it.
"Oh, um, well… after I moved
to Seattle, Ben introduced me to one of his old roommates, David Cross."
He blinked several times, but
stayed quiet and urged me to continue. "We dated and ended up married two
years later. Thinking back on it now, I know I only married him because I
thought that was what was expected of me. I thought I was in love with him, but
David wasn't exactly the most compassionate man and I don't think I ever really
got to see the real him until later. He liked to party and thought that would
continue after we got married, but bills pile up so I ended up being the
responsible one for a minute."
I tried to keep eye contact with
Andrew, but when his hand clenched into a fist, I had to look away. I didn't
want to see his face and know what emotions were running through him.
"About a year later, some
stuff happened that forced me to stop working for a while and he said he
decided it was time to start providing for me, but I know Ben chewed him out
for putting me through what he did. David wasn't ambitious enough to come up
with that on his own.
"I stayed with him for a
couple years, thinking that it would just take time for him to find his role in
our lives. It wasn't the best marriage and he was distant most of the time, but
he took care of me in his own way, I guess."
Andrew huffed at that remark,
"I don't think so." His voice was sharp and his eyes were dark. I
hesitated to tell him what came next. "I'm sorry, Jocelyn. I couldn't help
it."
I started picking at a chip on
the surface of the table. I remembered when that chip had happened, vividly. Ben
had just found out that David had left me and punched the table as hard as he
could. His ring had chipped the wood with the impact.
"When I found out I was
pregnant, everything changed." I smiled at the memory of reading that
first pregnancy test. I had fallen to my knees and cried tears of joy and
thanked God for sending me a child. "I was so thrilled and excited that I
never considered how it might impact him. It wasn't planned, obviously, but a
part of me had always hoped for one." I took a deep breath before
continuing and met his eyes. They were warm when I told him how happy I had
been to be pregnant. I liked them warm and happy, but I knew my next words
would take that away.
"When I told David, he just
stared at me for a minute and then turned around and walked away. He was gone
for two days and I was a wreck. Ben and Linda tried to come and get me and make
me stay with them until someone heard from him so I wasn't alone, but I
refused. The third day after he left, I got served the divorce papers."