The sense of being lost seized me again. There was nowhere I belonged. My family didn’t want me. Evan
couldn’t forgive me. Sara didn’t need me. The girls didn’t really know me. Jonathan was gone. And Cole had walked away, finally seeing me for who I was.
I felt so … tired. Letting the exhaustion pull at my lids, I closed my eyes and hoped the whispers would let me sleep.
I stared at the phone in my hand. The phone Emma had left on the bed, that I was supposed to return to her before I left for the airport. In the rush to make the flight, I had completely forgotten I had it. I plugged it into my charger and set it on the desk.
The door of the hotel room clicked open. I turned to find Jared with a bag in his hand.
‘Hey,’ I greeted him. ‘What are you doing here?’
‘Mom told me to come. She said she’d be here with you, and that she needed to tell us both something.’
‘She does? Any idea what?’ I questioned. I should have suspected Jared was going to be here when I saw she’d reserved a room with two beds. But I was too distracted to give it much thought.
‘No clue,’ Jared admitted. ‘She told me to be here, so I’m here. Then I figured I’d head back to Santa Barbara with you tomorrow.’
‘That works,’ I replied.
Jared plopped down on the other bed, crossing his feet as he leaned against the headboard. ‘So, how is the master plan coming along? Has it blown up in your face yet?’
‘I don’t have a
plan
,’ I countered in annoyance.
‘You always have a plan, Evan,’ Jared insisted. ‘That’s what you do. You think and overthink everything, strategizing and planning every step of your life. The fact that you took off to Santa
Barbara without a plan seems messed up, considering what’s at stake.’
‘I can’t plan her,’ I murmured, staring at her phone again.
I woke suddenly, my eyes scanning the room. I was alone.
I don’t want to be alone. Please don’t leave me alone.
Needing to get my mother’s desperate voice out of my head, I pushed the blanket off me and went out on the deck. The sun was low, spreading golden-orange and red hues across the sky. Although I’d slept most of the afternoon, a tiredness clung to me as I walked along the beach, passing kids running in and out of the water and people sitting along the shore.
I found myself at the stairs along the hill and began climbing. I wasn’t sure what I was going to say to him. I just didn’t want to be alone, and I had nowhere else to go.
TJ came around the side of the house, carrying a surfboard over his head. He saw me as soon as I stepped onto the patio.
‘Emma!’ he hollered like he was excited to see me. ‘What are you doing? Come to visit us?’
‘Uh,’ I faltered, a little thrown by his enthusiasm. ‘Hey, TJ. Is Evan around?’
‘No,’ he replied, shaking his head like he was confused by my question. ‘He left.’
‘He left?’
‘Yeah, Nate drove him to the airport hours ago.’
‘He left,’ I repeated in a whisper. ‘Okay, thanks.’
Numb, I turned back towards the stairs and let my legs carry me away.
‘You can stay,’ TJ called after me. I raised my hand in
form of a wave without looking back, disappearing down the stairs.
‘He left,’ I muttered again, still in shock. He’d decided to let me go.
The darkness crept up and wrapped around my heart. I let it seep in, crushing it until I couldn’t feel the thumping any more. I couldn’t feel anything. The whisper of Sara’s words echoed through the emptiness.
You can’t keep pushing everyone away … because one of these days, you’ll wake up and have no one.
I didn’t remember walking back to the house. I curled up under the blanket on the couch and closed my eyes.
The whispering words filtered through me, feeding on the guilt and sadness that pinned me down. Unable to fend them off, I waited for the void to rise and swallow me into the darkness.
‘That was an eventful day,’ my mother declared, handing her menu to the server who’d just taken our orders.
‘Thank you for letting me do this,’ I said to her, appreciating that she didn’t object to my decision, even though I hadn’t allowed her to be part of the process initially.
‘I understand your reluctance to include me,’ she responded, ‘but I told you that I wasn’t going to stand in your way, and I won’t. I believe you are doing what you think is best.’
Before I could continue the conversation, my phone vibrated in my pocket. I removed it, and my mother scowled at me. She forbade cell phones at the dinner table.
‘I know,’ I said before she could say anything, ‘but I really need to take this. I’m sorry.’
I pushed my chair away from the table, answering, ‘Hi,’ as
I sought a more secluded location down the hall leading to the restrooms. ‘Is everything okay?’
‘I was hoping you could tell me that,’ Sara said from the other end. ‘Have you seen Emma today?’
I paused, her question not making any sense. ‘What? Aren’t you with her?’
Sara was silent this time. ‘Evan. Where are you?’
‘San Francisco. Where are you?’
‘At my grandfather’s funeral in New Hampshire.’
‘Oh, wow. Sara, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.’
‘Thank you,’ Sara said, dismissing my condolences quickly. ‘I haven’t been able to get a hold of Emma. I was starting to worry.’
‘I have her phone. Sorry. She left it at the house, and I forgot to give it to her. That’s why you can’t reach her. But she’s with Cole, right? You can call him to talk to her.’
‘I tried,’ she answered. ‘He’s not answering.’
‘Do you want me to have Nate check on her? She could use his phone to call you,’ I suggested.
‘It’s fine. I’m sure she’s okay. I just told her I’d call, and I haven’t spoken with her since I left yesterday.’
‘I’ll be back tomorrow. I’ll stop by when I arrive,’ I informed her. ‘I’m sorry about your grandfather, Sara.’
‘Thanks, Evan,’ she replied.
‘Talk to you later.’
As I was about hang up I heard, ‘Hey, Evan?’
‘Yeah?’
‘I know it’s really not my place to ask you, but … is everything okay between you and Emma? I mean … I know it’s not
okay
, but you’re not going to stop talking to her or anything, right?’
‘No,’ I answered, perplexed by the question. ‘Uh … why would you think that?’
Sara released a heavy breath. ‘Never mind.’
‘Wait, did she say something? Does she think I’m upset with her?’
She hesitated a moment. ‘Not really. I guess … I just have this weird feeling. I’m sure it’s me being overly protective as usual. I’ll be back on Thursday. I’ll see you then.’
Sara hung up before I could question her further. I knew I’d screwed up when I didn’t get to see Emma before I left, and for not saying anything after she confessed the other night. Sara’s worried tone ate at me. Something wasn’t right with Emma, I knew it too.
I made a call to Nate before returning to the table, asking him to stop by and check on her. He didn’t understand why I was asking, but he promised to do it anyway.
‘Everything all right?’ my mother asked as I sat back down at the table, replaying everything I did, or didn’t do, the night Emma came over.
I redirected my attention to my mother, whose eyes were narrowed in concern. ‘I’m sorry. That was Sara. Her grandfather passed away, so she’s with her family in New Hampshire.’
‘Are you serious?’ Jared interjected. ‘Gus died? Man, I loved that guy.’ He glanced between my mother and me, then blurted, ‘I’ll be right back.’ I saw him pulling his phone from his pocket before he was a foot from the table.
‘Why was she contacting you?’ my mother pursued, always observant of my subtle reactions.
‘I have Emma’s phone, so Sara hasn’t been able to get in touch with her, and she was wondering if I had. She didn’t know I was coming here. No one knew but the guys,’ I explained. Before Jared returned and before my mother could enquire further, I had to ask, ‘What did the letter say?’
My mother’s blue eyes flinched ever so slightly at the question. ‘Which letter are you referencing?’
‘The letter Emma gave to you before she left. I found the envelope. And whatever it said convinced you to change the course of my life. So what did the letter say?’
My mother paused thoughtfully. ‘It was given to me in confidence. It’s not for me to reveal the content. I’m sorry.’
My mother had always had strong principles, and as much as I admired them, at times they could be very frustrating. ‘I understand.’
Jared pulled his chair back and sat down again.
‘So how long do we have you?’ my mother enquired.
‘An hour,’ Jared answered, appearing anxious.
‘Please express my condolences to Sara and her parents,’ my mother requested before taking a sip of her wine. Jared nodded, but refused to look at me.
‘Well, since our time is short, let me share with you the reason we’re here,’ my mother announced. ‘I have decided to sell the house in Weslyn.’
Jared didn’t react. He wasn’t expected to, since he didn’t spend much time there. This statement was directed towards me. Jared was just a buffer for when I said, ‘You can’t.’
My mother remained perfectly poised. ‘I am buying a place in the city, and that house is simply too big now that the two of you are away,’ she explained patiently ‘I’m sorry, Evan.’
‘No.’ I shook my head adamantly, my voice rising slightly. ‘It’s the only place that’s ever felt like a home to me. You can’t sell it.’
‘Evan –’ Jared said in warning, not approving of my tone – filling his role perfectly.
As I paused to collect myself, my mother remained still, silently observing, as she did so well. We’d moved many times
throughout my childhood. I never became attached to a house, or friends, with the exception of Nate and the guys.
My parents had offered the private boarding-school option that Jared had chosen so he could continue school with the same group of friends. But I liked to travel, and I didn’t want to leave my mother alone. Everything changed when we moved to Weslyn.
I couldn’t lose the memories I’d made in that house. The thought of never seeing the oak tree again, or walking in the meadow along the brook, was too difficult to fathom. I knew I didn’t have Emma, and I was uncertain if that would ever change. But I still couldn’t let her go, and that’s what I felt would happen if the house was sold. Like everything between us would be erased.
There had to be another way.
‘Would you consider letting me buy the house?’ I asked.
‘Evan, dear, you don’t have access to those funds for another fourteen years,’ my mother reminded me, her expression sympathetic. ‘It wouldn’t be possible sooner without your father’s permission and a –’
‘I know,’ I interrupted. I could already hear his condescending words. ‘But what if we set up payments, or …’ She remained quiet. I knew this was not a decision she was willing to support. At least not tonight.
I walked into the hotel room, dropped my jacket on the chair and loosened my tie. I sat down on the bed and propped my feet in front of me. I wasn’t ready to give up the house in Weslyn – or what was happening between me and Emma. She was just beginning to open up, and I was slowly finding a way to trust her again. The threat of losing the house made it clear that I couldn’t be without her. I couldn’t let her go.
A vibration came from her phone. I walked over to shut it off, and the screen lit up to reveal a list of missed calls and texts. They were mostly from Sara, which was understandable. But the one that kept me staring, unable to blink, was the one that just said,
Emma?
I knew it was none of my business. I didn’t have any right to pry, but I pressed the message, and the previous one showed up under it. It was longer. There was only a phone number across the top, but I knew exactly who it was from.
Got your messages and texts. Sorry – life is complicated right now. Unfortunately we can’t go back and change things. Wish we could. I do forgive you. I miss you. Would give anything to hear your voice right now. Won’t be able to contact you again after tonight. Phone will be disconnected soon. Please say you forgive me? It would help to know you do. Emma, you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be loved. Hope you believe it.
I wanted to delete it. I wanted to delete
him
. But I couldn’t. I held down the button to shut the phone off.
I didn’t know what hurt worse. That she’d reached out to Jonathan, asking for forgiveness. Or that she didn’t want that from me – insisting that I hate her. Why would he need to be forgiven? What happened between them?
Now I had a choice. I could let her push me away, fearing she’d continue to hurt me. Or I could fight for us. Convince her that we were worth it. Any pain she could inflict would never come close to the pain of being without her. I could never give up on her … on us.
I
STARED OUT THE WINDOW AT THE GREY
shroud lapping against the glass. I didn’t know what time it was or how long I’d been on the couch. I’d been held captive by the sharpness of tongues that slit my veins with loathing and tainted my blood with hatred.
You’re a worthless pathetic tramp.
I shrank away from the disdain that haunted my soul. But I couldn’t escape the relentless barrage of maliciousness. No matter how hard I tried to shut them out, their voices were all I could hear now. The scars may have healed, and the bruises faded. But the claws of hate and rejection dug deep within my flesh and never let go. Every spiteful sentiment struck with more force than the most violent of blows. Each degrading remark and estimation of worthlessness broke me in half.
You are not important.
There’d been a time when I was almost convinced that my accomplishments and determination would silence their malice. But I’d given up. I couldn’t say the exact
moment that it happened. Perhaps it was the second I’d abandoned Evan, leaving him beaten and barely conscious on the floor. Or it may have been before that. But now, in my isolation, the whispers found me.
You don’t care about anyone other than yourself.
I stared out into the distance, beckoned by the roaring of the waves, the only sound loud enough to mask what were now sickening screams. I walked down to the beach, through the haze of clouds that swept against my skin.
You took him from me.
I stood at the water’s edge, enraptured by the fury rushing to shore. The rolling wave cresting before crashing in on itself in a maddening tumble, sweeping under my feet, pulling me into the shifting sand. The rippling surface seduced with its curling fingers, tempting me.
You can’t honestly think he cares about you.
Tears filled my eyes, slipping over my lashes and down my cheeks. I was so tired of fighting. Tired of hurting. Tired of the guilt that would never release me, and the regrets that could not be changed. I didn’t want this life. There were only so many times I could hear that I should never have been, before I wished it to be true.
You should never have been born.
I took a step and began walking towards the grey horizon that seamlessly melded with the dark water. My chin quivered as the tears washed over my face. Turbulent waves pushed me back towards shore, but I forged ahead. I dived under them, letting the cold seawater soak into my trembling skin, into my bones, until I was numb.
Don’t you realize how much you hurt me?
I swam past the breaking point to where the water
rocked, bobbing me along its surface. I floated on my back, balanced on the hands of the rocking sea with my arms spread wide. Everything became still, and all I could hear was my breathing. I allowed the silence to subdue me. The pain dissipated through my fingertips into the water, carrying the voices with it until I was drained, and all that was left was … me. Accepting the fate that had finally caught up with me, I inhaled my final breath, and then I was gone.
Curling into a ball, I let myself sink beneath the surface. I closed my eyes as the water filled my ears, magnifying the stillness.
All I had to do was give up.
Give up.
The words echoed through my head, begging me.
Breathe, Emma. Just give up, and … breathe.
My lungs demanded the air within reach at the surface. My heart fought for each beat. It refused to surrender to the calm I sought beneath the water. The desperate thumps stammered against my chest. Within the silence, his words were as clear as if they were being whispered in my ear.
Hold on to this life, Emma. You’re so much stronger than you think you are.
And I knew. I didn’t know how to give up.
Peace awaited me with a single breath. But I couldn’t give up. It wasn’t who I was. This may not have been the life that was meant for me. Perhaps I was never supposed to be. But while I existed, I would fight for every breath that kept me alive.
I opened myself up and kicked to the top, breaking
through the surface with a heart-wrenching cry. The water lapped around my neck and splashed onto my face as I bellowed in pain, my chest caving with each sob.
I forced myself towards shore, crashing my arms through the surface, pulling the water towards me, kicking fiercely. My feet eventually pushed into the sand.
I splashed through the shallow water, moving my legs faster beneath me until I reached the beach. And then I broke into a run, letting pieces of me fall along the way. Shedding the young girl who feared which of her mother’s personalities would enter the house each night. Stripping off the belief that if I were perfect, I’d be easier to love. Stomping on the doubts that made me question my worth, never feeling like I was enough. And crushing the guilt that convinced me I would hurt everyone I cared about, leaving me incapable of being loved.
My legs carried me away from that girl, desperate to leave her behind. My stride picked up, and the tears streamed with the water and sweat. I cried for the little girl who lost her father but never had a mother. I cried for the girl who only wanted to be accepted, but was never enough. I cried for the girl who suffered unfathomable pain at the hands of hate. I cried for the girl who deserved to be loved but didn’t know how.
In time, my legs just carried me along the water’s edge, my breath evened out and the pain subsided. The tightness in my chest loosened, and the fear and sadness drifted away.
I released a part of me with each step, not knowing who would be left when I stopped running. So I kept going, afraid to find out, though my muscles screamed for
rest. After stretches of sand and rocks, my lungs burned and my vision wavered. My tongue felt pasty in my mouth, and I could barely lift my feet.
I needed to stop. I looked ahead to where the surfers bobbed in the water, sitting on their boards. I drew a line. That’s where it would end, and I could stop running – and just be.
I faltered the last few steps over the line and fell upon my knees. My entire body trembled, and a wave of heat floated from my skin. I sat back, but ended up tumbling over onto my back, staring up at the bright blue sky. A face peered over me. I squinted, having a hard time focusing.
‘Emma?’ I heard the girl say.
I squinted harder, and blonde hair and big brown eyes came into view. ‘Nika?’
‘What are you doing out here? Where’d you come from?’ she asked, offering me her hand to pull me up.
I stared up at her, unable to move.
‘Cole’s,’ I murmured, my head hazy.
‘Did she say Cole’s?’ a voiced asked. ‘She must be delusional, because that’s frickin’ far.’
‘Drink this,’ another girl said, kneeling next to me and placing a cold bottle in my hand.
Cool water soaked into my tongue, and I wanted to sigh in relief. My hand shook as I tipped it back, unable to take more than a sip at a time.
‘Can we drive you back to Cole’s?’ Nika offered.
I shook my head, my words failing me.
‘Where can we drop you?’ the brunette beside me asked.
‘Nate’s,’ I blurted, still trying to get my bearings as everything swirled around me.
I knocked on the door, and no one answered. I didn’t hesitate to see if it was locked, and when the door opened I kept going. There was something off, and I knew it. I hadn’t been able to shake the feeling since last night. And the fact that Nate said no one had answered when he stopped by –
I wished he had just walked in.
I rushed from room to room, but no one was around. When I entered the master bedroom, I hesitated. Cole’s stuff was gone. Only Emma’s things were here. He’d left.
‘Shit,’ I murmured, returning to the living room. The glass door was open. I stepped out on the deck and scanned the blankets and towels spread upon the beach. I was about to walk down the steps when my phone vibrated.
‘Evan, are you back?’
‘Yeah, Nate. I’m at Cole’s, looking for Emma.’ I continued to search for her on the beach.
‘She’s here, with us,’ he told me. ‘But, umm … she’s a bit dehydrated.’
His careful choice of words made me stop moving. ‘What do you mean, “a bit dehydrated”? Where are you? And why is she dehydrated?’
‘We’re at the house. Nika found her on some beach a ways from here and dropped her off,’ he explained. ‘Turn up the air conditioning, and make sure she doesn’t lie down,’ he instructed someone in the room.
‘What’s wrong with her, Nate?’ I demanded, anxiety building. I left the house and started running towards Nate’s, the phone still to my ear.
‘She’s not throwing up,’ he told me, which confused me more. ‘Evan, she’s just really dehydrated and overheated.’
‘You’re freaking me out here,’ I said loudly. ‘Is she okay? Does she need to go to the hospital?’
‘Shit, did you see her feet?’ TJ bellowed from somewhere.
‘What?!’ I yelled. ‘What the fuck, Nate?! Does she need to go to the hospital?!’
‘He wants to know if we should take her to the hospital?’ Nate called away from the phone.
‘No hospital!’ I heard Emma yell.
‘She doesn’t want to go to the hospital,’ Nate repeated.
‘I heard that,’ I said with a sigh, not surprised. ‘I’ll be right there.’
When I arrived at the house, I thrust the door open and found Emma sitting on the couch. Her skin was shiny and red, and her hair was plastered with dried sweat. She slouched against the cushions like she’d used up every ounce of energy.
‘Hey,’ I greeted gently, sitting next to her.
She squinted. ‘Evan?’
‘Yeah, I’m here,’ I assured her.
‘You left.’ She tilted her head back clumsily and tried to focus on me
‘I did.’
‘You left,’ she repeated in a pained whisper.
‘But I’m back,’ I assured her, disturbed by her reaction. ‘And I have your phone.’
‘Oh. You came back to give me my phone.’
‘No,’ I answered quickly. ‘For you … I mean …’ I clenched my teeth with a grimace at the inadvertent honesty. Hoping she was too out of it to pick up on it, I continued, ‘I was only gone for a couple of days, and now I’m back. Okay?’
‘Okay,’ she answered in an exhausted breath, and repeated with a hint of a smile, ‘You didn’t leave.’
The side of my lip crept up at the relief on her face. ‘No, I didn’t leave.’ I ran my hand along the side of her cheek; fine salt brushed off her skin onto my fingertips.
‘There’s some of that water with electrolytes in the fridge,’ Nate told TJ
, who went to retrieve it.
TJ offered her the bottle of water, and her trembling hands couldn’t open it.
I took it from her and twisted the cap off before handing it back. She pressed her face against the leather couch and took small, slow sips.
I stood up to talk to Nate, who was standing at the end of the couch. ‘Do you really think she’ll be okay?’ I murmured, glancing down at her. Before he could answer, I exclaimed, ‘What the hell?!’
The bottoms of her feet were red and raw, and there was blood splattered on the back of her leg from a cut on her heel.
‘I called a friend for advice,’ Nate said. ‘One of the girls I race with, she’s in her last year of nursing school. I sent Ren to pick up Popsicles and some more drinks with electrolytes. I know you’re worried. But I think she’ll be fine. I mean, she’s going to be sore as fuck tomorrow, but I’ve seen worse at the marathons I’ve run.’
‘I’m not sure that made me feel better, Nate,’ I answered curtly.
Emma sat on a chair, sucking on a Popsicle. She was showered and dressed in random guys’ clothes – Nate’s T-shirt, my shorts and TJ
’s zip-up hoodie. The glazed look was gone from her eyes, and she was more alert.
‘Let me see your feet,’ I requested, with the towel on my lap and the medical supplies on the table next to me.
Emma eased her feet out of the bucket of water they’d been soaking in and gingerly placed them on my lap.
‘What flavour is that?’ TJ asked Emma from across the table, sucking on a yellow Popsicle.
‘Berry,’ she told him. ‘What do you have?’
‘Pineapple. Want a lick?’
‘
TJ
,’ I scolded.
‘Hey, I was just offering to share,’ he defended, making Emma laugh. The perfect sound. One that I wished I heard more often.
Before I could begin cleaning and bandaging the cuts on her feet, my phone vibrated. I grimaced as soon as I saw Sara’s name, feeling bad for not calling her sooner.
‘Hey, Sara,’ I answered hesitantly.
‘Guilty much, Evan? Thanks for calling,’ she snipped, making me feel worse. ‘Did you see Emma?’
‘Yeah,’ I responded. ‘She’s here. You can talk to her.’
I handed Emma my phone and doused the gauze in alcohol.
‘Hi,’ I answered, ‘Shit! Evan, that frickin’ hurts!’ I yanked my foot out of his hand.
‘Emma? What the hell is he doing?’ Sara demanded on the other end of the phone.
‘I have to clean it, Emma,’ Evan shot back, grabbing my ankle. ‘I’ll be gentle.’
He started dabbing the open cuts, and I hollered in pain, tugging my foot from his hand. ‘It feels like you’re using battery acid and sandpaper.’
‘Emma!’ Sara yelled, fighting for my attention.
‘What do you expect if you’re going to run a marathon in bare feet,’ Evan shot back. ‘Give me your foot.’
‘At least wait until I’m off the phone,’ I begged, setting it back on the towel on his lap.
‘Fine,’ he said, setting his torture device on the table.
‘Sorry. I’m here,’ I said into the phone.
‘Are you going to tell me what’s going on?’ Sara demanded, beyond frustrated.